Don't Believe it
by mooglebaku
Summary: Naruto becomes even more annoying, Kakashi becomes addicted to Final Fantasy, Kiba needs a new friend, Neji is a perv, Shika and Temari's relationship gets strange, and Lee can't ditch Gaara
1. Chapter 1, Story bios and a note

**Chapter 1**

Pre-story bios and a note from the author

This story is my very first Fanfic. This was written as a half-assed gift for my girlfriend. Anyway, now that that's out of the way, its time for the actual prologue. This fanfic was actually a bit fun to do, but lots of work im as lazy as Shikamaru and was very difficult my computer has been so badly addled its sad . Anyway, personally, I like a lot of the characters I make fun of, and I hate a lot of them. Try to figure out which ones I hate and which ones I like. And finally, I have to brush onto this subject, yaoi. Pretty much, I find yaoi tolerable as long as my favorite characters aren't involved (anyone from Final fantasy and FullMetal Alchemist, and Shino). I put it in because no story is complete without some kind of gay side story. Anyway, now I'm going to shut the hell up and drink root beer. Enjoy the story.

THE CHARACTERS 

**Naruto**, the orange wearing, loudmouthed, smart ass, dumbass, foxy, ninja lad

**Sasuke**, the gay ninja no one cares about, went to be Orchimaru's assistant

**Sakura**, the pink haired chick that has a crush on the gay ninja, but has a relationship with Lee

**Tenten**, the girl with questionable sexual preferences, loves to have sex, a lot

**Neji**, has a crush on his cousin, and he teamed up with Jiraya when he discovered his evil eye could see through clothes

**Lee**, a spandex wearing lad, enjoys training, hard work, and the pink haired chick

**Shino**, the ladies man, if you have one girl, he has 5, you have 2 girls, he has 14.

**Kiba**, the dream team of Kiba and Akamaru broke up; Kiba is now in the process of finding another animal to pair up with

**Akamaru**, went off to dental school, quite unusual for a dog

**Hinata**, pretty much unchanged, the quite, unconfident, slightly odd, little girl.

**Choji**, enjoys eating pork, chicken, beef, hotdogs, ramen, guinea pigs, and dog.

**Ino**, a huge bitch, there's not much else to say about her

**Shikamaru**, aka Chicken wuss, still says troublesome and bothersome a lot, currently dating Temari

**Gaara**, has a crush on someone he once tried to kill (so, it could be anyone), that person is a certain spandex wearing fighter

**Temari**, decided to become a chef, has a bad tendency to add chocolate to everything she cooks, is currently dating Chicken wuss

**Kankuro**, has finally come to the conclusion that he likes dolls

**Haku**, a little gay pride advocate

**Kimimaru**, Wants to work in showbiz, is widely thought to be gay, he isn't

**Iruka**, teacher at the local school, has an unhealthy obsession for Root beer

**Kakashi**, recently became obsessed with the final fantasy series

**Anko**, the crazy ninja instructor, has a crush on Kakashi

**Jiraya**, Pretty much the only unchanged character

**Orchimaru**, likes wearing a glove on one hand and dancing to thriller

* * *

More Chapters coming up. Be sure to write reviews to tell me what you think 


	2. Chapter 2, the actual story

**Chapter 2**

The actual story begins

It was a wonderful day in the village hiding in leaves, the sun was shining, and the young ninjas of the village, were enjoying their day off. Kiba was walking through the streets, looking for an animal. It had been about a month since the bad breakup with Kiba and Akamaru, and he was feeling bad about it. It was a dispute over the fact that Akamaru thought that ninja stuff was for chumps. Kiba had spent the whole month crying about it. And now, the moron was looking for a replacement. He was looking high and low, for a new friend.

"I don't need him" muttered Kiba to himself as he walked along, looking for a quadruped.

As he was walking along, he noticed Shino on a park bench, surrounded by the usual flock of girls. Shino had recently become the ladies man of the village, none of the girls paid any attention to Sasuke after he came out of the closet. Among the girls, Shino was known as the handsome bug master, among the guys, lucky #&er.

"Hey Shino!" shouted Kiba to Shino on the bench "what's going on?"

Shino looked up from the bench, holding girls in both arms, he replied "what does it look like dumbass?"

Kiba was taken back, and being the wuss he was, he ran home crying.  
"whats his deal" thought Shino for a moment, then went back to his ladies.

* * *

Iruka was grading papers at a picnic bench as he noticed Kiba running by.

"Hey Kiba!" he shouted "good to see you out of bed!"

"Nobody Loves MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shouted Kiba as he ran right by.

"Okay, I guess I'm not going to see him in a while" said Iruka, going back to grading.

"Yo!" said a familiar voice

Iruka looked up and saw a one eyed elite ninja, with his face buried in a dirty book.

"hey Kakashi" said Iruka as Kakashi sat down next to him "reading another issue of make out paradise?"

"nah" said Kakashi, not looking up from his book "its Final Fantasy VII, kupo kupo dirty fun"

"what the…" said Iruka "what the heck does that mean?"

"well" said Kakashi "it's the dirty book series of the greatest series ever"

"Never played it"

"Well you should" replied Kakashi looking up from the book

"how many have you played?" responded Iruka, going back to grading papers, pretending to be interested

"only I, II, III, VII, IX, X, and X-II"

"so all of them" responded Iruka

"no" responded Kakashi "now if you excuse me, im going to go buy Final Fantasy Tactics".

As Kakashi left, Iruka noticed he left a can of something behind. Iruka picked it up and looked at it. "Root, Beer" said Iruka slowly. Thinking "what the hell" Iruka opened it and took a gulp.

With a deranged look in his eyes, Iruka said a single word desperately

"MORE!"


	3. Chapter 3, Ninja pervs and Chicken wuss

**Chapter 3**

Ninja pervs and chicken wuss

It was about 11 o'clock and Jiraya was heading to his favorite peeping spot. The old ninja loved that spot, it gave him a perfect view of the beach, where all the girls played volleyball. As he walked towards the bushes, he heard a giggly noise. Curious, he looked, and to his surprise, there was already someone in his favorite peeping spot!

"what are you doing you little perv!" he yelled at the punk.

The kid turned around, and stared up at him.

"what does it look like?"

Jiraya instantly liked the little nin-perv.

"Whats your name?"

"Hyuga Neji"

Hyuga, Hyuga, that name was familiar to Jiraya. AH HA! It was that clan that had that evil eye thing. The power to see through solid objects. Handy.

"so, anything good today?" responded Jiraya looking out at the volleyball players.

"excellent" said Neji, going back to spying

" aren't you a little young for this, your like 14 or something"

"its only been a week since I learned my eye can see through clothes" replied Neji, giggling slightly

"SEE THROUGH CLOTHES!" Said Jiraya, as giddy as a schoolgirl.

"Neji" Said Jiraya leaning towards him "you and me are going to become good friends"

* * *

On the other side of the village, Shikamaru was lying in a tree, trying to take a nap. It had been a troublesome day, which by the lazy dumbasses standards, was the fact he was awake.

"bothersome, just bothersome" he whined to himself

Shikamaru shifted his position to get a better view of the town. He could see Kiba off in the distance, trying to get a raccoon to get on his head. He looked to his right, and saw Lee, training. Shika looked more to his right, and saw TenTen coming out of a adult store. TenTen had become a bit of a, how to say, girl who enjoys playing slip-n-slide. As far as he knew, she had been with half the guys in the village. If Shika had actually cared, he might have looked a bit more into the issue, but the voice he heard next chilled his blood.

"Shiky! Come on, its time to try my new dish!" said Temari, holding a plate with a object that looked no where near edible.

"oooooohhhh" whined Shikamaru as he squirmed in the branch. Lately Temari had decided that she should work on her culinary skills, and started to cook. When she was done making the unholy results, she would get others to try it. She couldn't get near Gaara, because the sands that protected him wouldn't let her get the food even close to him, and Kankuro was always out. So she did what all evil girlfriends do and forced her boyfriend to become a guinea pig for her food.

Shika still remembered the last time he had eaten her cooking. Temari had made a cake, and had added too much salt. The thing was so awful it gave Shika the runs for days.

"uh, hi Temari" he said jumping down from the tree "whats up"

"I've got a surprise for you Honey!" she said with a big bright smile on her face, and she showed him a plate of food that looked like charcoal biscuits.

"umm" said Shikamaru, very unsure of the substance "you made hamburger?"

"no silly" said Temari, unware of the abomination in front of her, " I made eggs!"

Oh god

Shikamaru desperately looked for an out, and he saw it, form of, Ino.

"hey look!" said Shika, pointing to the blonde girl "that bitch insulted your cooking!"

"that hag!" said Temari, dropping the plate, she pulled out her fan, and started to chase after her, saying profanities that I'm not allowed to type.

"sorry Ino" mumbled Shika "I need to escape"

* * *

Be sure to send in some reviews, its nice to know that people actually read this


	4. Chapter 4, no one loves Kiba

**Chapter 4**

No one loves Kiba

Hinata was walking along the main road, twiddling her fingers in her normal nervous way. She was wondering what would be the best way for her to admit her feelings for Naruto. There still was a love triangle going on for her. Hinata liked Naruto, who likes Sakura, who likes Sasuke, who likes Orchimaru ( I know, its gross). Okay, its more like a love pentagon, but shut up.

Hinata was planning to ask her crush to go with her to the comedy night event happening at the ramen bar that Naruto loves so much. Hinata knew this time, she would be able to do it.

While she was walking, she noticed Kankuro, he looked like he was trying to avoid attention while carrying a box around. And it looked heavy, so Hinata wondered if he needed help.

"hey Kankuro" said Hinata in a quite voice "are you okay"

Kankuro was so shocked he jumped up and lost his grip of the box. The box hit the ground and spilled its contents. Hinata saw that it was full of Barbie dolls, Barbie accessories, and Ken dolls. Kankuro was trying to shove them back into the box, explaining they weren't his.

"I swear, they're Gaara's" he said, shoving them back in, his face turning as purple as his makeup "theyre not mine"

Hinata's face turned red, and she ran off crying, shouting "I never do anything right!"

Kankuro picked up the box and ran after her, screaming "please don't tell anyone, im begging you!"

* * *

Kiba was as happy as he could be, he had finally found a new animal friend. He had found a cat, it was orange, and mean, but it was his friend. As he walked with it on his head, it growled at passersbys, and scratched his head. 

"OWW!" okay, stop that little buddy, he said nervously, trying not to piss it off, "lets go show you off!"

As soon as he said that, his chance appeared, Hinata was running by, and Kiba saw his chance.

"Hey Hinata!" he yelled running up to her "look what I've got!"

Since Hinata was running facing down crying, she completely bowled over Kiba, knocking him to the ground

"what the hell was th-" said Kiba, right as Kankuro ran into him on the ground.

Once again, all of the dolls in Kankuro's box fell out, in the middle of the village for everyone to see.

"ohh Shit!" yelled Kankuro, trying to stuff them into the box as fast as he could. While he was doing that, Kankuro unknowingly stuffed Kiba's cat into the box with the dolls. Kankuro picked up the box and ran away, spewing out a line of curses about Hinata.

"are you okay, kitty?" said Kiba crawling around looking for it

Unable to find it Kiba realized something

"OH NO! It abandoned me too!" Kiba ran home crying

* * *

Anotherchapter down, keep sending in reviews, and trying to figure out which characters i hate 


	5. Chapter 5, sand boys problem

**Chapter 5**

Sand boys big problem

Gaara was walking around the village looking for something to do. He had spent the morning scaring the crap out of some kids with his sand, and felt like doing something else. He was walking through the training area and decided to look around. He noticed Rock Lee training nearby, and Gaara sighed. Gaara had developed a huge crush on Rock Lee, after all, Lee was one of the people who showed Gaara what love was, so the crush was natural as natural as yaoi couples go . Ohh, he was so handsome, his strong body, his total determination, his censored, this isn't a yaoi . Gaara started to drool looking at the sight, thinking to himself how naughty he was.

"hey Gaara!"

Gaara almost fell over from surprise, he was caught off guard. No matter what, he had to keep his image, a sullen, emo, evil, demonic, slightly rodent like murderer. He swung around, and to his surprise, it was the village Bicycle (don't ask what that means) Tenten. Tenten was wearing her usual pink outfit, but it was undone at parts to accent her, umm, feminine charms. Tenten was wearing enough makeup to confuse her with a whore, and was moving in closer to Gaara.

"Hi TenTen" said Gaara, trying to avoid her eyes "whats up?"

"I'm just walking around, looking for something fun" said Tenten, obviously hinting something

"okayyyy" said Gaara nervously, hoping that she would go away

"would you like to do something Gaara?" TenTen asked, shifting even closer

" I can't" said Gaara, struggling for an excuse "ive, ummm got cancer"

"really" said TenTen, obviously not buying it "you know Gaara, its comedy night at the ramen bar, would you like to go with me?"

Ohh, a comedy night? Maybe Gaara could ask Lee to it, he just needed to get away from this harpy so he could ask Lee.

TenTen moved in closer to Gaara, which caused him to try a second distraction

"look!" said Gaara pointing desperately "its Shino!"

"ohh!" Tenten giggled and ran off to join the flock of girls surrounding Shino.

"whew" said Gaara going back to spying on Lee "gotta get back him"

Unfortunately for Gaara, Lee had vanished

"son of a bitch

* * *

Iruka was at the local grocery store buying root beer. It was strange, he had spent the last few hours chugging this strange new beverage, and no matter how much he drank, he felt empty. So the only way Iruka could fight that was to drink as much as he could buy.

"and 78 cents are your change" said the cashier

"T-t-t-hank you" said Iruka, shaking so much he could barely hold onto the change.

The cashier looked at him with a look of curiosity, what the frick was wrong with that teacher? The next person in line was a real weirdo too, it was an incredibly fat kid wearing a scarf and a ninja headband. The kid had so much food that he dropped some on the ground.

"is that all?" said the cashier wondering why she had gotten this crappy job

"no" replied the incredibly fat ninja, "I need more"

As the kid waddled away, the Cashier yelled NEXT to the other person in line. Up walked a Ninja in an Organge jumpsuit talking to a pink haired girl.

"come on" whined Naruto to Sakura "Sasuke is gay, he said so, and him and Orchimaru went to the sound village, remember? Believe it!"

"oh, hes not gay" said Sakura, blushing "and I'm not interested in him anymore"

"whats up?" asked the cashier as she scanned everything Naruto had all ramen .

"I asked her to the comedy night at the ramen bar, and she wont go, she wants to go with the ugly rip-off of Bruce Lee, Believe it!"

"ROCK LEE IS NOT UGLY!" yelled Sakura, going into her demonic anger form "DIE NOW!"

Naruto dropped the money for the groceries, and ran off, constantly yelling 'believe it!' with the pink haired girl chasing him cursing the whole time.

"crazy ninjas" said the cashier, looking for the fat kid "what kinda ninja is retarded enough to wear orange?"

The fat ninja came back, carrying even more food with him. As he put it down, hes said "that's all". The cashier looked, and noticed a part of the pile moved. Not wanting to look, but doing so anyway, she grabbed the moving object.

"why the hell do you have a guinea pig?" said the cashier, as the fat orange rodent squirmed in her hand

"I hear they go great with hot sauce" said Choji, eying the guinea pig like a hungry dog. "can I eat it now?

"no" said the cashier "take your food and get out"

Choji looked upset and left, muttering about food and pigs on his way out.

The fat kid had reminded her of some character from a manga series, it was something about an Alchemist or something. Sigh, it was going to be a long day for her.

"jeez" said the cashier as she looked towards her new guinea pig "my job sucks"

* * *

Hi, ive got more chapters coming up, it might take a while, this process is incredibly hard to pick up.

and as many people can probably guess, i dont like choji, hes a stupid fatty


	6. Chapter 6, Ramen bar blackmail

**Chapter 6**

Ramen bar blackmail

It was night time, and It was time for the ramen house's comedy night. Ninjas and residents of the village had gathered from all around for this, and it was going to be a fun night. Mr. Ramen had set up a stage and everything, and was selling Ramen like crazy. Neji was next to the stage, blackmailing Kankuro.

"listen, you doll playing freak" said Neji, in that harsh, unforgiving manner of his "if you don't do what I want, I'll tell everyone in town about your little doll fetish"

"what doll fetish?" said Kankuro nervously, fearing the worse

"I know that you play with dolls like a little sissy girl" said Neji, his eyes as cruel as Ice "and if you don't do what I say, I'm going to tell everyone"

"okay, okay" said Kankuro out of options "what do you want me to do?"

"your doing a ventriloquist act right?" said Neji, sure of himself "when your done, I want you to put a knock-out toxin on the lips of you puppet, and make it kiss Hinata later, so she passes out"

"may I ask why?" said Kankuro, slightly bewildered by this demand

"me and Ero-senin want to take some, umm, pictures while shes out" said Neji, blushing a bit

To say the least, Kankuro was shocked

"umm, isn't she your cousin"

"so?" said Neji, in a manner that showed he meant business

"shes your friggin cousin!"

"your saying it like its wrong" replied Neji, going slightly red

"it is wrong, BECAUSE SHES YOUR COUSIN"

"hey look you make-up wearing freak" said Neji "the author lost a bet, and had to put this in the story somehow"

"okay, nevermind" said Kankuro, freaked out "im pretty sure ive got some knock out stuff for Krasu"

* * *

Kakashi was in the front row of the seats, right in front of the stage. He was reading the Manga adaption of Final Fantasy. To his right was Iruka, who was clutching a bottle of Root beer, shaking violently and calling it his "precious", and to his left was Jiraya, who was taking to his new student about some kind of cover op. Kakashi acted aloof and uncaring as usual, waiting for the show to start. All of a sudden, he heard a voice of a certain crazy bitch he knew.

"heya Kakashi!" said Anko behind him, started to toy with his eye patch from behind "you didn't tell me you were going to be here"

"ive been a bit tied up playing Final Fantasy" replied Kakashi turning the page

"ohh come on Kakashi, you cant keep a girl like me waiting"

"umm, Anko" said Kakashi "im not interested, I just want to play final fantasy"

"really" said ankd, doing something of a disgusting nature to Kakashi's ear,"why don't you ditch that and we can go for some come-come paradise back at my place?"

"no" replied Kakashi, unfazed, turning the page "your as wacky as yuffie, as freaky as Kefka, and as hyper as Rikku"

"umm, right" said Anko, not understanding a bit of that "lets go have some fun"

"fu k off" said Kakashi getting up and walking away

"Nooo! Come back Kakashi!" screamed Anko, crashing over some seats

Shino was in the back, surrounded by his usual pack of girls. They were busy stroking his hair, telling him how awesome he was. Shino was busy scanning the crowd, never being one to take things at chance. He noticed that Hinata was sitting a few rows ahead of him, all alone. Wasn't she going to ask that Naruto dumbass to this thing? He decided to go cheer her up.

"hey Hinata"

"AIH!" squeaked Hinata almost falling over "ohh, its you Shino, what are you doing?"

"well" said Shino, looking at his shy comrade "I was going to ask you if you actually asked Naruto to this thing"

"EKK!" said Hinata, her face turning beet red "you knew"

"to be quite honest Hinata, you'd have to be an inbred hick not to realize it"

"EKaIHAY!" Hinata squeaked turned red, got up and ran away

"That's girls got serious problems" muttered Shino as he went back to his groupies.

* * *

Hi! Thanks for the reviews, and in case you want to know, ive already have written a ton of Chapters for this story. Ill put them on from time to time. Keep sending in reviews please! Id like to know what you think.


	7. Chapter 7, more problems for Gaara

**Chapter 7**

More problems for Gaara

"Okay, okay, testing, one two three" said Mr. Ramen as he tested the microphone onstage. "This is the first annual Ramen comedy bar night ever!"

The crowd of jubilant ninjas cheered.

"The first act will start shortly"

Gaara was in the back of the rows, looking for a seat. And then he saw it, the perfect seat, the seat next to Lee, his love muffin. And to make him even happier, that Gai fellow that Lee always hangs out with was out on a mission, leaving Lee all alone. Gaara almost skipped over to Lee, but was interrupted by an annoying voice.

"Hey Lee!" shouted Kiba as Gaara passed his seat, "whatcha doing?"

"None of your damn business mutt" growled Gaara to Kiba

Kiba didn't hear that last part. He pointed to his head and said 'what do you think of my new partner'

"What new partner?" said Gaara puzzled

"The guinea pig on my head" said Kiba smiling

"There's nothing there" said Gaara, pointing out Kibas stupidity

"OH NO! HE MUSTVA FELL OFF!" Kiba jumped out of his chair, and started to run around, crying the whole time.

"Loser" mumbled Gaara as he looked back to the open seat next to his beloved Ninja, Lee. To his horror, the seat was filled up, by a ninja so fat, he used two chairs. Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap, Gaara said silently to himself. He noticed the other seat next to Lee was vacant, Gaara had to get it, he just had to. Gaara sprinted straight towards the seat, and right as he was about to get to it, Sakura sat in it.

"ARGGH! THAT FREAKIN PINK HAIRED BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU SON OF A BCH!" Gaara swore to himself

He noticed that Lee didn't even see him. Lee was deep in a conversation with Sakura. Naruto sat down next to Sakura, looking awfully mopey that Sakura was ignoring him and spending all her time on Lee. Gaara tried to talk to Lee, but Sakura drowned him out, and Lee didn't even know he was there. Gaara had the sudden temptation to murder Sakura, but bit his lip and returned to his previous seat. On his way back, Ino passed by him, saying 'hi Gaara!' but Gaara just pushed her face into a light post.

* * *

Did you know that its a scientific fact that every time a yaoi is created, a puppy dies, an angel looses its wings, a democracy falls, and the next Harry Potter book gets delayed. Its true.

Actually, this is a bad chapter for me to write this. but i still will

thanks for the reviews


	8. Chapter 8, really bad comedians

**Chapter 8**

Very bad comedians

It was time for the comedy to begin, it had already gotten dark, and the lights were shining on the stage. Mr. Ramen walked up and announced the first person up.

"okay everyone, the first act is from a ninja from the land of mist, please put your hands together for, Kimimaru!"

A ninja with two red dots on his forehead, no shirt on, and bones sticking out of his back walked onstage and up to the mike.

"Hi everyone, I'm Kimimaru, and I am part of a clan that manipulates our own bones, as you can see. Anyway, since I can manipulate my bones, you might say, I have a **bone to pick. **

Absolutely no one in the audience found It the least bit funny, and cricket noises could be heard from inside Shino. 'YOU SUCK' was shouted by Jiraya.

"okay" said Kimimaru nervously, obviously not understanding why no one was laughing "oh come on everyone, whats not funny? Were all the same bag of **bones** on the inside!"

This time people in the audience started to get pissed.

"YOU SUCK!"

"TERRIBLE"

"GET OFF THE STAGE"

Rock Lee stood up and yelled "Didn't Gaara kill you?"

A few rows back, Gaara blushed and said happily to himself "ohh, he mentioned me, my sweetheart!" the person next to Gaara had the crap scared out of him.

Mr. Ramen got up to get Kimi off the stage and to get the next person up, but Kimi had one last joke.

"come on people" Kimi said into the mike desperately "I have bones sticking out of my back, you might say I have a **Boner**…."

This was all he managed to say, as too an empty Root Beer bottle (courtesy of Iruka) hit him in the head, knocking him out.

"Okay" said Mr. Ramen, as kimimaru was pulled off the stage. "next up, is Kankuro and his ventriloquist act!"

Kankuro walked onstage, with his hand up karasu's Backside. Kankuro walked up to the mike, and began his act.

"HI EVERYBODY" said the puppet, with Kankuro doing an awful time throwing his voice "MANY OF YOU KNOW ME AS KARASU, BUT TONIGHT, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME FRANKLIN!"

"so Karasu" said Kankuro to the puppet, "whats on your mind"

"LOTS OF STUFF, LIKE ASKING MYSELF WHY YOU HAVE YOU HAND UP MY ASS!"

The crickets in Shino started to chirp again.

"AND HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGE OF LEAVES IS BUTT UGLY? ITS LIKE GOING TO AN ANIME CONVENTION, UGOS EVERYWHERE!"

Not only did Kankuro earn himself a root beer bottle in the head, a number of shuriken were thrown into Karasu.

"GET OFF THE STAGE!"

"YOU STUPID SAND NINJA!"

Kankuro ran off the stage. As he ran off, he caught a glimpse of Neji, he was sitting with the same emotionless face, he nodded to Kankuro. Kankuro knew what he meant. Backstage, Kankuro was going through his puppet maintenance equipment, muttering to himself.

"stupid people, wouldn't know comedy if It bit them in the ass, don't know how to take a joke."

Kankuro found the knock out toxin and smeared it on Karasu's lips. He set him down and walked to where he could see the seats. Right now, some sissy looking Ninja named Haku was on stage, saying jokes, that actually were a bit funny. Kankuro scanned the crowd, and to his horror, Hinata had moved. Silently cursing to himself, he went back to get Karasu and search for the girl. To his horror again, Karasu was gone.

"OH NO!" screamed Kankuro to himself, all didnity lost "HES GONE! MY PRECIOUS DOLL IS GONE!"

Unfortunately for Kankuro, Haku had went to get a drink, and the whole audience heard. And at the same time, the whole audience burst out laughing. Gaara sat in his seat, turning red, hoping Lee wasn't looking at him.

"my stupid dumbass brother."

* * *

Something I'd like to know is why do fangirls love the thought of Neji and Hinata togather? am i the only one who thinks its wrong? THEYRE FRIGGIN COUSINS! could someone explain that? I put that element in the story because i thought itd be funny, but i dont understand it at all.

ohh, and a cookie to whoever gets the Franklin reference

Believe it!


	9. Chapter 9, puppets, sex, and drugs

**Chapter 9**

Puppets, sex, and drugs

Shika was sitting next to Temari in the front row, and was struggling to stay awake as Temari discussed her cooking methods to Kurenai, right next to her. Kurenai was rather intrigued at the thought of adding chocolate to riceball. Shikamaru looked onstage as the next person went up. He didn't care anymore, he wanted to go home or take a nap in his favorite tree.

"Hey Temari" Shika said lazily "I'm going to go to the bathroom"

"Your not coming back, aren't you" said Temari, seeing right through him.

"Read me like a book" said Shika slinking off.

As Shikamaru walked away, he saw Iruka throw another root beer bottle onstage, nailing the person in the head. 'How bothersome'. Shika went the other way, and decided to head home by going around the stage. As he walked around, some loser named Zabuza took the stage and started to do a juggling act.

It was dark, and Shika was so distracted by the person onstage that he didn't see the dark figure on the ground and tripped over it.

"SON OF A BOTHERSOME" said Shika as he checked what it was.

Oddly enough, it was Tenten, and she had karasu on top of her. It looked like she had tried to kiss the thing or something and passed out. Incredibly grossed out by Tentens sexual preferences, Shika tried to get up, but Tenten shifted and Shika slipped, his face going right into karasu's mouth.

"eeewwww, gross" Shika said

All of a sudden, Shika felt really tired, and he passed out on top of Tenten.

Kankuro had heard someone yell something, and he headed to wear he heard it, and found Shikamaru on top of Tenten and Karasu asleep.

"OH MY GOD!" cried Kankuro, "Chicken wuss and the village whore had a three way with Karasu!"

Kankuro pulled Karasu out of the pile, a little hesitant at touching him. He left Shikamaru there on top of Tenten. Shikamaru's hand was on top of Tenten's chest, and her arm was dangling over Shikamaru's ass.

"Little thieving punks took my puppet"

Naruto was inside the ramen bar, getting drinks for Sakura, Lee and Choji, grumbling the whole time. The stupid spandex wearing jerk was hitting it off fabulously with Sakura, and it was not good for Naruto. He swore that he would not let that dog browed freak get his pink haired gal. Naruto racked his brain for an answer, but was interrupted by a voice.

"What kind of drinks would you like?" said the person behind the bar

"ummmmm" wondered Naruto, looking at the list "4 root beers, believe it!"

As the person poured the drinks, Naruto thought of a plan. Then it hit him, he could slip one of Kankuro's toxins into Lee's drink, and Lee would make an ass of himself. Hehe, it would work perfectly, he told the person behind the counter, I'll be right back with my money. Naruto ran behind stage where Kankuro kept his equipment. Rummaging through it, he found a vial of what he assumed was a toxin and took it. He ran back to the counter.

"Here's the money" grinned Naruto, brimming with anticipation "thanks a lot and believe it!"

Naruto grabbed the drinks and went to the condiments section. Giggling like a schoolgirl, he opened the vial and poured it into the glass of fate. He emptied the whole vial into the glass, and dumped the bottle. Before he picked it up, he realized, how am I supposed to know which one has the surprise? Naruto went to get a straw. On his way there, he saw Kiba crawling on the ground, frantically looking for something. Kiba was crying a little bit and sniffing.

"Umm Kiba" said Naruto, puzzled by what he saw "have you been eating those pills you found on the ground again, Believe it?"

" no, no, no, no!" said Kiba looking up "have you seen a little brown guinea pig around here?"

"well" said Naruto, thinking back "Choji was snacking on something brown earlier"

"OH NO!" screamed Kiba, running towards the seats "DON'T LEAVE ME MY FRIEND"

"ummm, right" said Naruto, turning back towards the root beer "he's been eating those pills again, Believe it!"

When Naruto looked at where he put the drinks, to his shock, they were all gone.

"who the hell would steal all that Root beer?" said Naruto "oh crap, one of them had the toxin in it!"

Naruto looked left and right, wondering if anyone saw him. Good, no one did. Relieved, Naruto snuck back to his seat.

* * *

Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!

anyway, another chapter is on the way in a few days, keep sending reviews i guess

Oh, and thanks for shining some light on the Neji and Hinata thing, but i suppose its one of those things i'll never get (like yaoi)


	10. Chapter 10, Rock Lee goes for it

**Chapter 10**

Rock Lee goes for it

Iruka was drinking the root beer he stole from Naruto. He was behind the stage, and out of view of the audience. He was shaking violently, and started to drink another glass. He couldn't help himself, it was just so good, it was controlling him. He chugged the glass in a single gulp. Odd, this one tasted different than all the other ones, it tasted a bit like diet, but not quite. Not really caring, Iruka chugged the last one and sat there, enjoying the feeling of freshly drunk root beer. Suddenly, Iruka felt funny. All of a sudden, everything looked so funny, and colorful, Iruka started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Then Iruka started to walk away to the bar to get more root beer. He wobbled a lot and could barely walk straight. How could he? There was so much wonderful colors around him, and there was a panda on roller skates giving him a ride.

* * *

Neji had gotten up to look for Kankuro, wondering if he had done his job yet. The stupid sand ninja was no wear to be seen, Neji decided to check backstage where Kankuro kept his stuff. On the way there, he did run into Kankuro, who was hiding in a trashcan, trying to avoid Neji.

"Kankuro" said Neji to the trashcan "what the hell are you doing"

"I'm not Kankuro "replied the trashcan "I'm just a waste disposal unit"

"really" said Neji not buying it "okay then"

Neji snatched the ice cream from a kid nearby, and ignoring the Childs whining, threw it in the trashcan.

"HOLY SHIT THAT'S COLD" yelled Kankuro, popping out of the can

As soon as Kankuro jumped out, Neji grabbed him by the neck and looked into his eyes

"did you do it, or didn't you?"

"argh, ahhh" said Kankuro, having trouble finding the courage to speak "shes gone, she left earlier"

"damn it" said Neji

While Neji had Kankuro by the thought, Kiba came by, still looking for the guinea pig. Kiba didn't pay any attention to Kankuro, who was turning as purple as his make up, and trying to ask Kiba to help him.

"GUINEA PIG! IS THAT YOU?" yelled Kiba into the trash

Kiba Pulled out Karasu from the trash. Karasu smelled like a dead fish, and Kiba and his super sensitive nose recoiled from it.

"what the hell happened to him?" Asked Kiba to Kankuro, who was now loosing brain cells at a rapid pace.

Neji finally released his death grip on him dropping Kankuro to the ground, who started to wheez and cough.

"hey Kankuro" kiba said, sniffing around the puppets mouth "theres poison on your puppets mouth"

"That's……cough…..not poison…..its….a knock out…….toxin" replied Kankuro

"Nope!" replied Kiba, sniffing it again "its some kind of poison all right, Mosfungus I think"

"OH SHIT!" yelled Kankuro, straightening up "TENTEN AND CHICKENWUSS INHALED THAT!"

Kankuro ran like hell. In his wake, Neji realized if Kankuro had gone through the plan, Hinata would've been killed.

"wow, isn't that luck, and, wait, oh my god, you killed tenten!"

Meanwhile, in the 5th row, Rock Lee all of a sudden said "you bastard!"

* * *

The comedy night was winding to a close, and the last person was on stage, it was some sick coughing ninja named Hayate.

"uhh, cough cough, hi, Ive got cancer and jokes, cough cough"

The crowd was horribly depressed by the sick ninja.

"ive only got about 2 weeks left to live, and, uhhhhh, ive been bleeding out of my gums a lot, and my skin doesn't heal when its cut."

The audience wanted him off, but nobody had the heart to boot the terminally ill ninja off the stage. They looked where Iruka was sitting, he in his suger high state would surely wing something at him.

"yeah…….." continued Hayate onstage "ive also lost the ability to taste food, and to smell, and ive been throwing up a lot.

In the 5th row, Rock Lee and Sakura were talking to each other. Rock Lee had his arm over Sakura's shoulder, and was looking into her eyes. On the other side of them, Naruto was fuming to himself. "why the hell would a chick like her fall for a complete dork like dog brows?". He wasn't the only one wondering that. In the back, Gaara was looking at them, fuming to himself, asking "why would that awesome ninja go out with a pink haired harpy like her?". Gaara wanted to go up, slap the crap out of Sakura, and have Rock Lee put his arm over him like that, and then yaoi talk, censored for your own safety and that, Gaara giggled to himself, would be fun.

Rock Lee decided to go in for a kiss. Sakura was babbling about something, Rock didn't care. He looked into her eyes, and slowly started to move in. Sakura knew what he was about to do, she closed her eyes, and slowly moved towards Lee.

Both Gaara and Naruto saw this, and both internally started to scream 'NOOOOO!'. It couldn't happen, it just couldn't, if it did, they would never stand a chance. Gaara got up, if he did it, he would just cry. Rock Lee was just a half inch from Sakuras lips and…….

* * *

Hehe, dont you love cliffhangers? will yaoi love prevail? or will Dog brow kiss pink haired chick?

Anyway, this whole Yaoi issue is a bit, bothersome to me. My girlfriend is a Yaoi fangirl, and is absoultly obsessed with GaaraXLee (try to guess how that affected my story)

anyway,someone once told me a quote about yaoi "Yaoi fangirls are unstoppable, the sheer force of thier sick yaoi fantasys are so powerfull, they make Nuclear bombs look like firecrackers"

keep sending reviews, i think theyre rather interesting to read


	11. Chapter 11, what the heck happened?

**Chapter 11**

What the heck happened?

Rock Lee could smell Sakura's breathe, it was wondrous. Right as he was about to kiss her, there was a gasp from the crowd, and Sakura turned her head to see what it was. Rock Lee was unaware and kept going and smashed his face into the chair. A few Rows back, Gaara was doing mental summersaults. He was upset that his love muffin was hurt, but he was even greater that the pink haired whore didn't kiss him. Gaara looked onstage to see what the commotion was.

Iruka was onstage, wearing absolutely nothing, and talking onto the mike.

"hhhhheeeeyyyy everybody! I am a forest nymph! I am a beautiful fairy of the night! I am nude!"

Iruka promptly fell unconscious onto the first row and chaos broke out. People started to stampede in the seats, and destroy the stage.

* * *

Temari decided to get the hell out of there. People were running everywhere and it was hard to move around. Temari carefully walked around to the side of the stage, trying to avoid smashing into someone. When she finally got clear of the crowd, Temari decided to head home. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the dark. On the ground, Temari started to curse to herself.

"oww, what the hell is that?"

Temari examined the oddly located object. To her amazement, it was that whore Tenten. To add to her amazement, there was someone else with her. Wondering who, Temari decided to check.

"Oh my god! Shiky! What the hell are you doing?"

The thought hit Temari in the head, her loveable boyfriend, was asleep, ontop of the village whore. AHHHH! Did Shiky cheat on her? Did that whore trick him? Why was his hand on her chest! Temari's head was going crazy with theories and conspiracies. What should she do? What should she do? Temari grabbed Shikamaru by the collar and decided to beat the answer out of him later. On her way home dragging him, Ino ran up to her and asked her what she was doing with her teammate. Temari used Shika like a club and knocked the crap out of her.

"Nosy Bitch"

* * *

Since this chapter was so short,I'm going to put some filler stuff in.I figure i might as well show this

MY TOP 3 FAVORITE NARUTO CHARACTERS

1) Rock Lee, This guy is so awesome, he's like Chuck Norris, Indiana Jones, Captain Jack Sparrow, and fonzy, all in one. KICK ASS

2) Shino, hes so cool, i'll admit hes creepy, and that the thought of having bugs inside of you is weird. But he looks just like Auron from FF X, isnt that cool? How cool is he? so cool hes never been in a yaoi, that cool.

3) Haku, I honestly used to hate him, i thought he was a wussy, a tool, and weird, but now i think hes cool. I don't even know why, but now i think hes cool

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Kakashi, Iruka, Shikamaru, Tenten, and Orchimaru (just kidding)

Keep sending reviews, and tell me what you think of my humble story


	12. Chapter 12, Shikamarus crazy girlfriend

**Chapter 12 **

Shikamaru and his crazy girlfriend

It was the day after the ill-fated Ramen bar comedy night. It was morning, the sun was shining, and the local ninjas were doing their freakish activites. School had been canceled indefinitely ever since the teacher at school had streaked across the stage. So all the students were spending their new free time with pleasure.

Naruto and Kimimaru were walking down the middle of town and Naruto was venting his problems. Kimimaru was glad he had someone to talk to after getting beaned last night, but he was annoyed that Naruto kept saying believe it every time he spoke.

"Believe it! Seriously, Sakura has a crush on the friggen workaholic ninja, and she wont spend any time with me! Doesn't that suck?"

"You think that sucks?" replied Kimimaru "everyone in town thinks im gay for that creepy snake pedofile. That sucks."

"Well, maybe if you didn't always walk around topless you wouldn't appear to be gay. Believe it!"

"Well, that's a suggestion" sighed Kimi "besides, theres only 2 gay people in this town, Sasuke and Haku, and Sasuke left town"

"believe it! Yeah, well, I'm kinda glad he's gone, now there will be less yaoi's going on, believe it!"

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing…nothing…Believe it!" responded Naruto

"Well, speak of the devil" said Kimimaru spying something ahead

Haku was next to a building, putting up multi-colored gay pride signs.

"Uh, wow" said Naruto "believe it! uh, hi Haku, whats up?"

"Hi Naruto!" said Haku in his high pitched girly voice "I'm just putting up some alternative life style signs"

"Wow, that's, umm, great" said Kimimaru, slowly backing away "awesome Haku"

"You could join too Kimimaru!" cheerily said Haku "I heard that you also live an alternative lifestyle"

"Why the hell does everyone say that!" angrily said Kimimaru

"Hey Naruto! I heard you and Sasuke lead an alternative lifestyle too! You can join too!" said Haku, focusing his attention to the orange wearing retard ninja.

Naruto suddenly had a flashback to his first face to face encounter with Sasuke. It was burned into his memory (Sasuke had slipped him some tongue) . The kiss, and the beating he got from the girls at school afterwards. Naruto was horrified that everyone in town still remembered it, even the little fruit Haku.

"uhh, Haku, Believe it!I've gotta go" stuttered Naruto "I've gotta go see some Medic Nin's cause I've got, umm, cancer.Believe it!"

Naruto and Kimimaru promptly got the hell out of there, leaving Haku by himself.

"What nice fellows" said Haku, going right back to the posters

* * *

Shikamaru awoke to find himself with a pounding headache. He couldn't see clearly, and he felt groggy and tired. What the hell happened last night? He remembered leaving early, and tripping on something. He couldn't remember anything past that. Arrgh, his head hurt like crazy. He tried to rub his head but he couldn't move his hand.

"Your finally awake" said a familiar voice

Shikamaru couldn't see very well, but he could make out a figure in front of him.

"Is that you god?" asked Shikamaru

"Hell no. Are you still drunk from when you had sex with that slut?

"Temari, is that you?"

Shika's eyes were getting better, and he could actually see his surroundings. He was in a dark room, and Temari was standing right in front of him. Shika loved Temari, even though Temari was the scariest woman he had ever met. But right now, she was looking the maddest shed ever been, even madder than the time he told her he was to lazy to get her a birthday present because he couldn't care less.

"umm, Temari, what are you doing?"

Shikamaru tried to get up, but he couldn't, he had both his hands cuffed together and chained to a chair. There was only one thing going through Shika's mind, 'uh oh'.

"Temari, I told you last time, I'm not into the kinky stuff"

"This isn't sex you freakin Prick!" said Temari, more angry than Shikamaru's ever seen her "you cheated on me with the village whore!"

"Uh, what the hell are you talking about?" asked Shikamaru, completely unsure of what Temari asked him.

"You passed out on top of Tenten! Your hand was on her chest!"

"You aren't making any sense Temari" said Shika, not changing face

"Fine, then you want it to be rough" said Temari, scowling, pulling out her fan.

"Oh shit" thought Shika

* * *

Just to clear things up, i have to inform/disappoint you by saying that what happened between Shika and Temari in this chapter was non-sexual. I repeat, NON SEXUAL. But yeah, Temaris into the rough stuff. Bad luck for Shikamaru

Ohh, and i have seen that episode Shino laughs, i thought it was funny, but a part of me died when i saw Shino laugh, but just remeber, "my senses are that of a gold sniffing Fox!"

I figure since ive shown my Top 3 favorite characters, time for my Least favorite ones

MY TOP 3 HATED CHARACTERS

Ino, I hate this bitch, i hate hate hate hate her. And i dont even know why. Shes a blonde, bitchy, weak, stupid Airhead. what is there to hate about her?

Choji, Stupid fat hobbit! wait, no. He spends all his time eating, thinking of eating, chewing, spends like,2 seconds of his life fighting, then goes back to eating. Lame. At least gluttony could do that and make it cool (guess who Choji is themed after in this fanfic)

Sasuke, I hate him the most out of Naruto. I admit, his shangarin (how do you spell that) is cool, and so is fire jutsu, but thats where it ends. I refer to him as the gay ninja, think about it, he has a horde of girls coming after him, and he turns them all down, and the first time hes shown, he frenchs Naruto. personally, after watching some Naruto episodes, i think that a yaoi of NaruXSasuke practically writes itself, seriously, (watch episode 132, you'll see what i mean)

thats it pretty much

yeah, i felt like writing that. Keep sending reviews, and just rember, "Don't believe it!"


	13. Chapter 13, When Shy Met Slutty

**Chapter 13**

When Shy met Slutty

Hinata was walking through town all alone. She was twiddling her fingers in her usual nervous fashion, trying to think up a way to show to Naruto what she felt about him.

"No matter what I do, he won't even pay attention to me" Hinata thought to herself "He likes Sakura, and I understand why, shes so much prettier than me, and smarter, and nicer"

Hinata had succeeded in making herself even more depressed than before. She sighed, she needed a plan. Suddenly, she heard a voice calling her out.

"Hey Hinata, what'cha doin?"

Hinata Jumped. "oh my goodness, someone noticed me! Please let it be Naruto"

It wasn't Naruto to her disappointment; it was Tenten, who was running towards Hinata.

"uh oh" thought Hinata, she had heard many rumors about Tenten, and how she liked to have sex with anything (males, females, inanimate objects, don't ask) . Hinata was a bit scared by her.

"Uh, hi Tenten" said Hinata in a barely audible whisper "uhh, hi"

"Whatcha up to Hinata" said Tenten, edging closer than Hinata really wanted

"Uh, nothing, Tenten, nothing" replied Hinata, in another whisper like voice

"Hmmm" Tenten looked close into Hinata's face, studying her eyes

"Umm, what are you doing Tenten?"

"Let me guess," said Tenten in her usual cheery voice "your having boy problems"

"AIE! How'd you know?" said Hinata, shocked that Tenten picked that up

"quite frankly Hinata, you'd have to be an inbred hick not to guess it"

Hinata's face turned an incredibly dark shade of red, she hadn't been this embarrassed in a while "ummm, sorry Tenten, sorry to bother you"

Hinata tried to run away, but Tenten grabbed her arm.

"Hinata, you like Naruto, and your too afraid to do anything about it, so you know what?"

Hinata was on the verge of tearing up "what are you going to do" she managed to choke out

"I'm going to embark on a crusade to make you less shy!" Tenten stated

"Huh?"

"I'm going to help you, I'm going to make you so irresistible, you'll be censored ing him in no time!"

"you'll (sniffle) help me get Naruto to like me?" Hinata asked, brightening up slightly

"you bet!"

Hinata started to smile a bit "you can do that!" she said, greatful that someone was finally there for her

"step number one"said Tenten, energetic as usual "we need to accent you T and A!"

"what does that mean" asked Hinata

"you know what that means, right?" asked Tenten

"no, i was home schooled"

"whoa" said Tenten, shocked "its going to be a long day"

Gaara had a plan, he knew that Rock Lee liked Sakura, and he needed to destroy that. He had thought up a plan, he had heard of it somewhere before, he didn't know where. It might've been from a manga, or an anime, he didn't remember, but he had to do it. All he had to do was find him.

Gaara walked through Konoha looking for Lee. He knew Rock Lee wouldn't be with Sakura, because Gaara had indisposed her by making that bitch Ino Stalk Sakura. Gaara snicked to himself, the pinked haired bitch was out of the way, now it was up to him.

Gaara saw Lee alone on a park bench eating lunch. It was a bench that was on a lonely stone path, relatively isolated. It was perfect, it was time to set the plan in action.

* * *

Hehe, whats Gaara plotting? what sick little Yaoi fantasies are going through that little red head? youll find out.

Ohh, and in regards to Sakura, shes on my Neutral list, i'll put that up later.

Until next time, just remeber, everytime a yaoi is made, a puppy dies, an angel looses its wings, and the next final fantasy gets delayed (nooooooo!). Believe it!


	14. Chapter 14, Gaaras Totally Original Plan

Chapter 14 

Gaara's totally original plan

Lee sat alone on the park bench, eating his lunch. He hated taking breaks. He was totally devoted to training, being the little workout geek he is. As Lee ate his ramen, his mind drifted to the previous night. It was a fun night, Lee admitted, but it could've ended better. Rock Lee missing Sakura was a huge embarrassment and a failure that haunted him. Raising his fist, Lee swore that he would kiss the woman he loved, for it was his sacred duty as a man.

Suddenly, something caught Lee's eye. Across the stone path was Sakura, leaning against a tree.She was looking right at Lee,right intoLee's eyes...

"Oh my god" thought Lee, "she's looking right at me, with her beautiful eyes…"

Rock Lee was so lost in the pink haired ninja's eyes; he didn't notice the gourd on her back.

The Sakura look-alike moved across the path and sat down right next to Lee. 'She' was only a few inches away from Lee, and her hand slowly moved towards his bandaged hand. Lee could smell her perfume, it was differnt, something he hadnt smelled before, but he didnt care, it was Sakura, the beautiful pink Ninja maiden.

"Lee" said Sakura, in her beautiful voice "I want to kiss you, but before I do, there's something I must know"

"yes sakura, anything" Lee said, he wanted to kiss her so bad, but the right thing to do would be to grant her request

"what do you think, about, Gaara?" asked Sakura-look-alike, cocking her head slightly

Lee was totally caught off guard, he expected her to ask something about love, or those other things girlfriends say to toy with a guy.

"uhh, well, he's powerful, and he has red hair, and he tried to kill me…." Said Lee

The Sakura look-alike blushed and giggled, "ohh, he remembered me, my sweet heart" the look alike thought to themself.

Rock Lee was a bit confused, why would she ask something like that, and giggle? It must be a thing girls do, he shrugged.

Sakura leaned over and whispered something into his ear. It was in a slow, sensual voice. "Lee" look alike said "kiss me"

The Sakura look-alike started to move close to Lee face. Lee realized this was it, Lee closed his eyes and moved forward slowly.

* * *

Meanwhile, Neji was up in a tree. He liked that tree because it gave him a perfect view into the Girls changing room for the school. He was giggling like he does when he sees girls naked (don't ask) . He was trying to take his mind off the failure of his deviant plan that failed. If only Hinata didn't leave, he would have been looking at naked pictures of his beautiful cousin (ewwww) . He needed to come up with a new plan. He needed someone Hinata trusted to help him. Neji's super eyes spotted the answer to his problem not so far away. It was Shino. Shino was one of Hinata's friends, and Neji figured since he was a ladies man, he wouldn't think much of his request. Neji jumped from tree to tree and landed in front of Shino and his horde of groupies. 

"Hey! Bug master!" yelled Neji

Shino turned his attention from his groupies to the pervert-nin.

"you want something?"

"umm" said Neji, turning a bit red "could we talk alone?"

Shino walked towards Neji, his groupies motioned to follow, but Shino put his hand up, symbeling them to stop. Shino walked up to Neji for their hush-hush conversation.

"So, what do I owe the honor of your presence?" Shino said sarcastically

"umm, I know your close to Hinata and stuff…."

"Whatever your going to say, the answer is no"

"ahh come on, you know I like her, could you do a guy a favor?"

"She's your cousin" Shino was starting to get annoyed by the pervert-nin

"So will you help me man"

Shino turned around, muttering something about justified homicide. Neji turned around and sighed. No one understood, all her wanted to do was have sex with his cousin, what was so wrong about it? Neji started to walk away, trying to think of a plan. He decided to use the evil eye to do some more "intelligence gathering". When he activated it, he noticed something in the woods. Lee was on a park bench, and as about to kiss the creepy sand kid. Since Neji had the power of the evil eye, he could see through the look-alikes disguise.

"heyyy, Lee's going to kiss a guy, kinky!"

* * *

Oh, and i forgot, Rock Lee is like Jack Bauer, Sora, Auron, Big Boss, and Jackie Chan all in one.

Until next time, remeber, every time a yaoi is written, a puppy dies, an Angel looses its wings, and the Cubs Lose a game (NOOOOOOO! but it would explain alot)

Believe it! And GO CUBS!


	15. Chapter 15, Final Fantasy feelings

Chapter 15 

Final Fantasy feelings

Kakashi was in trouble. He had spent so much time doing Final Fantasy stuff over the past few days that his sense of reality was starting to dwindle. Everywhere he walked, he saw chocobos, Black mages, and spikey haired blonde people with enormous swords. He had been wandering through the village, hoping that he wouldn't run into the evilest of the evil, Kefka, the evilest Final Fantasy Villain of all-time.

"Calm down Kakashi, calm down" he said to himself, passing a white mage by "it's all in your head, its all in your head, its all…"

"Hey Kakashi"

Kakashi had the crap scared out of him. He fell over, praying it wasn't Kefka. Instead, it was a person that had two reds dots on his forehead and no shirt on.

"Kuja, is that you?" asked Kakashi

"No, it's me, Kimimaru" he said, helping him up "why the hell would you think I look like Kuja?"

"Well, Kuja is the all-time gayest looking person in the final fantasy series, and, well…." Kakashi trailed off

"For the millionth time! I'm not gay!" yelled Kimimaru "I just like going topless!"

"Right…." Said Kakashi, secretly glad that Kimi got him out of his Final Fantasy delusions "anyway, whats up?"

Kimimaru and Kakashi started to stroll down the street until they noticed a big sign. Posted on it was 'TOGA PARTY AT AKASUKI'S HQ! 7:00PM TODAY!'

"Well" said Kimimaru "that's something to look forward to"

"Are you kidding? Akasuki are the gayest people in Konoha. How else can you explain why there aren't any girl ninjas in it?"

"Actually, you bring up a good point, I always thought there was something going on between Kisame and Itachi"

* * *

At the local Mall, Tenten was teaching Hinata to become attractive (aka, Slut training). It was a slow process; Hinata was so unperverted it was a bit scary. Hinata had no idea what a hickey was, or what any of the bases were. So, Tenten decided to convert her to the dark side of the force, by any means necessary. They were currently in the changing room. Hinata was in one of the booths changing into some of the clothes Tenten picked out, and Tenten was outside sitting down, reading some of the dirty magazines she bought she needs ideas . Inside the changing rooms, Hinata was having a problem with some of the 'questionable' clothes Tenten gave her to try on.

"Ummm, Tenten? I'm, umm, I can't seem to figure out how to get this on."

"Hinata, all you have to do is put it on, even if you put it on wrong. Remember, the more you show, the more attention you'll get."

Hinata was in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, she was in a changing room, in nothing but her underwear, being told to put on an outfit that would make her look like a prostitute (Or, like Ino). Not to mention the fact that Tenten had been periodically peeking in on her didn't help at all.

"Umm, Tenten, can you give me back my clothes please?"

"No Hinata, not until you at least try something on"

Tenten got up and went into the booth Hinata was in. Hinata was so shocked she fell over and turned Red.

"Umm, Tenten, umm, please get out" she said almost on the verge of tears

"Oh come on girl, you have a great body, you have an amazing butt, and great kittens."

"Umm" Hinata said confused, "I don't own a cat"

"Come on, I'll help you get dressed"

* * *

(A few minutes later)

* * *

A few minutes later, Hinata was dressed in a black leather outfit, complete with a whip and chains.

"Its perfect!" said Tenten, giggling with glee

"Are you kidding?" said Hinata, turning red, hoping no one could see her "I look like a pornstar!"

"Well, it's a work in progress, anyway, time for me to teach you how to kiss"

Hinata ran back into the dressing booth and locked the door.

* * *

My opinon of the ladies of Naruto

Hinata, shes the coolest one. Shes nice, powerful, and cute. Shes kinda like a fighter version of Shinobu (From Love Hina)

Tenten, Personally, i like her. She has a cool power, really slick. Why do i make fun of her so much? cause its easy, thats why.

Ino, Bitch

Temari, hehe, poor Shika

Sakura, surprisingly, i kinda like her. I find her blind love of Sasuke to be friggin annoying, but i love it when she gets pissed off and goes into her demi-god strength mode.

Tsuande, ahh, the well endowed Senin. I don't really know much about her, so i don't have an opinion. (she appears later, so look out for that). My girlfriend and her friend claim that Tsunade is god. I've gotta say, if Tsunade was god, i would'nt be surprised.

until next time, BELIEVE IT! AND GO CUBS!


	16. Chapter 16, Toga Toga Toga Toga

**Chapter 16**

Toga Toga Toga Toga

It was nighttime at Akasukis place, and ninjas in togas started to flood the house. The members of akasuki lived in a huge mansion, complete with a swimming pool, big screen tv, and ninjas. Inside the house, the sound system was blasting the song 'you know you make me want to shout' a classic toga party song , and ninjas started to grind.

Shikamaru was talking to Choji and Kakashi in the corner of the room. Shikamaru was covered in bruises, and whenever someone said Temari he jumped a bit.

"Kakashi, Akasuki isn't gay, I don't know where your getting that"

"They're an all guy group, doesn't that spell brokeback mountain to you?"

"Not really, they're a group of assassins, I doubt they could be gay, besides, I don't think a girl is cut out for what they do"

"Not true" said Kakashi "in Final Fantasy VII, the assassin group the Turks had a girl in it"

"This guy is a total buffoon" muttered Shikamaru under his breathe "how troublesome"

"What's a Turk?" asked Choji with a hungry look in his eye "can I eat it?

"Ummm, noooo" said Kakashi, eager to change the subject "umm, Shika, what the hell is up with your bruises?"

"quite simply put, right now, Temari has me whipped like a pig"

"wow, that sucks"

"she has me on the short leash"

"yeah, I know what that's like"

"no, literally, she put a leash on me"

Shikamaru lifted up the clothe around the neck of his toga to reveal, he had a dog collar on his neck. It had an electric sensor on it so he couldn't leave a 50 ft radius of Temari without being shocked.

"okayyy" said Kakashi, a bit worried "I don't know what that's like"

"she tortured me for hours, it was horrible, she forced me to eat her cooking"

Kakashi began to slowly back away, trying to find an out

"I can't eat another tray of brownies without chocolate, how could she forget to add chocolate in friggin brownies?"

Kakashi had already left.

* * *

A group of people had gathered around the refreshment table. They were all amazed at the spread, it was all some kind of foreign food, but it tasted great.

"wow, this is some good stuff"

"yeah, who made it?"

"this is great, what is it called"

"actually, i made all the refreshments" said a loca large Plant wearing a toga.

"Zetsu? you made all of this?"

"it tastes great! what is it?"

"ohh, they're all made from dead bodies, some morons were going to waste them by burying them"

All of the party goers at the refreshment stand proceeded to induce vomiting

* * *

Naruto had showed up for this shindig in a bright orange toga. The toga looked as obnoxious as Naruto acted, which is a lot. Naruto strolled down through the crowd of people indoors, ignoring people asking if the blonde kid was retarded or something. The entire time Naruto walked, he kept on shouting 'BELIEVE IT' into the face of anyone who got close. Naruto strolled over to the refreshment area to get some punch, and heard an angry voice call out.

"Sasuke! Is that you! I shall crush you!"

Naruto turned to see Itachi. Itachi had gone blind, which was obvious because he was wearing a pink toga.

"No way! This is Naruto, believe it!"

"ohh, sorry Naruto, I thought you were that annoying pest"

"no problem, believe it!" Naruto said as he helped himself to some punch "but I have a question, who gave you that toga?"

"uh, Kisame gave it to me, he said it was the best and most masculine one"

"uh, Believe it! Its true, Believe it!"

All of a sudden, Kiba strolled up in a fur covered Toga.

"hey guys! Do you like my new best friend?" he asked while pointing to his head

Perched on top of Kibas head was a moogle, who didn't seem to enjoy being up there. for everyone who doesn't play final Fantasy, moogles are little bear-like creatures with little wings on their back and a pom-pom on top .

"uhh, what is that thing on your head? It looks like a teddy bear, Believe it!"

"Is it Sasuke on your head?" Said Itachi in a battle stance

"no" responded Kiba "by the way Itachi, why are you blind?"

"well…" responded Itachi "you know that saying the catholic church says, if you touch it, you'll go blind?"

"uhh, yeah"

"its true"

* * *

I honestly don't know the members of Akatsuki very well. Heck, i dont even know if i'm spelling that right. All I know is that theres Itachi (blind guy), Kisame (shark guy), Zetsu (plant guy), Sasori (puppet guy), and Deidra (girl-like guy). I didnt put them all in, cause i was too lazy to actually do the reseach.

Ohh, and to everyone thats emailed me, that wasnt my email adress, that was a temp one i borrowed from my Girlfriend. I have a real one know, so if you wanna contact me, your gonna have to use the new one.

untilnext time, Believe It!


	17. Chapter 17, you make me wanna shout

**Chapter 17**

You make me wanna shout, kinda

Kankuro was in the corner talking to Sasori. Kankuro rather enjoyed the fact he was a living puppet.

"so, you wanna be a puppet in one of my marionettes?"

"NO! I'm not going to be in one of your friggen plays!"

"oh come on, or we can do a ventriloquist act"

"If your hand goes anywhere near my wooden ass, I'll cut it off"

"oh come on, if you do something nice, maybe you'll become a real boy someday"

Sasori proceeded to beat the ever loving hell out of Kankuro. Once again, Kankuro started to turn as purple as his makeup. In the few seconds before he blacked out, noticed something by the door. He wasn't the only one, something was standing in the doorframe that turned the eye of everyone at the party. It was Hinata. She was wearing a 2 piece toga which perfectly accented her body. She looked gorgeous. She was so hot looking, a random person in the party had a nosebleed. Hinata giggled, she was noticed, she just hoped Naruto noticed her too. She walked past the partygoers ogling her.

"I'm the most popular girl at the party" she thought to herself

Hinata walked to the center of the room, stopped, and did a spin. This caused another random nosebleed in the audience. Hinata giggled to herself. She finally was life of the party.

Unfortunately, she wasn't for long. Suddenly, Tenten showed up wearing absolutely nothing. Every single guy in the party had a nosebleed at the same time (except Itachi, he's blind after all). Tenten strolled through the crowd, making sure that she purposely brushed up against everyone, casuing the persons nose to bleed. Jiraya was busy tailing her, taking as many pictures as his camera could hold.

Temari noticed that Shikamaru's jaw had dropped at the sight, so she responded by pulling a remote from her purse and administering a shock. Shika fell to the ground, shaking violently, at first the party goers were shocked, but then they went back to dancing and chatting.

* * *

On the other side of the house, Lee was chatting with Sakura, and the entire time, Lee was blushing in that weird way he does.

"So, Sakura, did you enjoy that kiss earlier?"

"What kiss Lee?" Sakura asked, not sure what lee was babbling about

"You know, remember, earlier? On the park bench" Rock Lee said, certain that Sakura was teasing him "come on, I know you do"

"Umm, I'm pretty sure your making this up"

"oh come on, it was on that lonely path, on the park bench, I was wearing green, you were wearing red, with the gourd on you back, it was noon"

"ummm, Lee, at lunch time I was hanging out with Ino"

"Huh? What? Than who did I kiss?"

Eavesdropping nearby, Gaara giggled to himself.

* * *

Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo!

Kupopopo!

Kupo Kupo Kupopo Kupo!

Translation: Kupo Kupo Kupo Kupo, Send reviews, Kupo Kupo, go cubs, Kupo.


	18. Chapter 18, Inbred Ninja Love

**Chapter 18**

Inbred Ninja love

The party was going along splendidly, people in togas were dancing to "you make me wanna shout" on its 18th run (what else are you going to play at a toga party?). People had even gotten used to Tenten walking around in the nude, everyone except Temari. She was still pissed at that whore for taking advantage of her boyfriend. She was so mad, every time she saw her, she pressed the button of the shocker (Shikamaru at this point has become deep fried). Jiraya was finished taking pictures of Tenten, and decided to move onto something else. He pulled out a walkie talkie to contact his protégé.

"Grasshopper Perv? Grasshopper perv? This is frog perv, lets reconnaissance in the southward portion of the building"

"This is Grasshopper perv. I hear you loud and clear. Grasshopper perv out"

* * *

A minute later, Neji met up with Jiraya.

"so, my young grasshopper, what have you accomplished so far today?

"well ero-senin, I've spiked the punch with the laxatives, rigged the cake to explode, and I put the stink bomb on the back of Kisame's Toga"

"good, good"

"what have you done so far Sensei perv?

"well, I laughed at chicken wuss when he got shocked, took a bunch of pictures of Tenten in the buff a crime , and I've got a great prank staged for later"

"what is it ero-senin?"

"well, I'll give you a hint, it involves him"

Jiraya pointed to Itachi, who was in a deep conversation with a house plant.

"okay sir! I've got it"

"Be sure to resume your mischief young grasshopper perv"

Jiraya disappeared in a puff of smoke. Neji decided it would be best to spend his time doing what he did best, spying on his cousin.

* * *

Hinata was on the other side of the room, Naruto was in a conversation with Choji who was eating a table leg . She was standing behind Naruto. She looked like she wanted to strike up a conversation with Naruto, but she was to scared to try. Neji had remembered the advice his sensei gave him "the best time to picked up a girl is when she's insecure and desperate". Neji strolled over to Hinata, ignoring Ino, who was getting pelted by cake no one likes Ino . Neji went up behind his cousin, trying to think of something to say. Uh oh, he was completely blank. Neji swore to himself, he was pathetic. He could take down a spider esque ninja of the sound 4, but he couldn't think of something to say to a girl. Neji ran away in a manner worthy of Hinata, god, he was pathetic. He wanted to leave the party, and now. On his way to the front door, he ran into Kisame, who was wearing a blue toga and a lampshade on his head. He was lying on the ground, to drunk to stand properly, and he smelled like a dumpster (Neji knew why),

"Hey, I know you, your that Neebi kid"

"Neji" he responded, turning his personality back to his usual cruel, soulless self

"Geez your tense, did someone use 1000 years of pain on you or something?"

"No" said Neji "just girl problems"

"Uh huh, well you know what, I can help you with that"

"You can? I always thought you danced on the other side of the room"

"No, I'm just funny like that"

"Oh"

"anyway" said Kisame getting serious (as serious as a person in a blue toga and a lampshade can get) "someone once told me, never lie to yourself, if you love a girl, than tell her, if you don't, then your lying to her and lying to yourself"

"Wow, that's some of the best advice ever! I'm going to confess my love to my cousin right now!" Neji left Kisame, skipping to where he last saw Hinata.

"uhh, cousin?" Kisame wondered what he meant, but he supposed that he mustva been to drunk to hear him right.

* * *

Seriously, NejiXHinata, is just creepy. A little while ago, i placed abet with my girlfriend on the subject. We versused in Soul Calibar 3, if i won, NejiXHinata would be considered wrong, if She won, I would have to say that theyre a cute couple. Guess what happened? NejiXHinata are cute.

Lifes funny like that.


	19. Chapter 19, Jiraya Clears a Room

**Chapter 19**

Jiraya clears a room

Meanwhile, Jiraya's plan for a funny way to clear the room was enacted. He walked up to Itachi (who was still engaged in deep conversation with the house plant). Grinning, he decided what the best way to do this was.

"Hey Itachi" Jiraya asked

"Huh?" said Itachi, finally ending his conversation with the inanimate houseplant.

"I understand your blind now, hows that working for you?"

"Well, truthfully, its awful, no one respects the blind fighter, and no one thinks i can do anything"

"You seem pretty depressed about it"

"yup"

Jiraya swooped into his plan.

"You ever seen that show blind justice?"

"Uh, no, why would you ask that?"

"Well, im thinking your just like the cop in it, he was blind too"

"Really?" said Itachi, excited that someone thought that even though he was blind, he could be something

"Sure, you've got the akasuki uniform, which is kinda like a police uniform, you've got the ring, which could be like your badge, all you need is a gun"

"Yeah, I need a gun…."

"Here you go, I happen to have one right here"

"Wow, thanks Jiraya, you're a real pal"

Itachi was so distracted by the feeling of usefulness, he didn't question why Jiraya was carrying a handgun, or the morals of Jiraya (giving a blind guy a handgun equals bad).

"Good luck with the cop thing"

Jiraya tried to slip away unnoticed by the party goers, but he was unfortunate enough to be spotted.

"That was a rather dangerous prank you laid just now"

Jiraya jumped, if he got busted for this, he would be screwed, plain ol screwed. To his surprise, the person that caught him was Gaara, that emo sand kid.

"Uh, I don't suppose your going to rat me out, will you?"

"That's a rather dangerous thing you've done, you could get in a lot of trouble"

"Don't worry, the gun I gave him was full of blanks, it's not like he could hurt someone"

"Maybe I should just ask the ANBU ninjas whether they think it's dangerous, maybe they'll know" said Gaara, smirking slightly

Jiraya pulled Gaara to a corner, checked to make sure no one was listening, and started to whisper to him.

"look kid, if you don't tell anyone, I'll get you something, I'll give you a set of the pictures of Tenten I just took" (once again, a crime).

"No, I don't like Tenten"

"aww come on, she's hot"

"No" said Gaara sullenly

Jiraya was getting desprate, the little sand bastard was toying with him, he had to think fast.

"Is there someone else in the village you want me to get naked pictures of?" (Also a crime)

Gaara suddenly brightened up, he knew who he wanted pictures of, his lovable green wuv muffin.

"Okay" said Gaara, seizing the opportunity to get some yaoi "you get me some naked pictures of Lee, and it's a deal"

Jiraya was shocked at this horrible situation he was in. If Gaara didn't get what he wanted, Jiraya would be busted by the anbu, and most likely go to jail, if he did what he was asked of, it meant spying on a guy and taking naked pictures of him (yet another crime). Jiraya admitted to himself that he was screwed, but he decided to take the lesser of the two. Besides, he reasoned with himself, he could always make Neji or Naruto do it.

"Fine, I'll do it"

Gaara's heart soared, he could finally get some yaoi of his wuv muffin, Gaara skipped off, humming to himself, leaving Jiraya alone.

"God that kids creepy"

Speaking of creepy, Jiraya suddenly saw Neji, he was walking up to the chick in the skimpy toga. Jiraya ran over and grabbed Neji by the collar, dragging him back into the corner. Jiraya pulled him up right and shook him a bit.

"Gasp, Gasp" breathed Neji, desperate for air "what is it perv sensei?"

"The plan is in motion, I gave him the gun full of blanks, but I got spotted doing It, but that person has been, bribed..." Jiraya shuddered slightly when he said 'bribed'

"umm, perv sensei, I have the gun full of blanks."

"Say what?"

Neji pulled out a fake gun, full of those cheesy fake rounds you can buy at a store.

"Holy Crap! What the hell did I give Itachi?"

* * *

Meanwhile on the other side of the room, Temari was watching Tenten. The slut was still nude, and just looking at her pissed her off. Temari was shaking with rage, that slut had taken advantage of her boyfriend, she decided to teach her a lesson. Temari walked over to Tenten, who was in conversation with Kimimaru about the joys of going topless. Temari tapped Tenten on her shoulder. As soon as Tenten turned around, Temari slapped her in the face. 

"You Friggin slut! I'll kill you!"

Tenten and Temari proceeded to fight to the death.

People started to gather around the two girls wrestling on the ground. They Started to cheer them on and place bets on the likely winner. As thrilled as the party goers were that there was a chick fight going on, it didn't last for long. A certain Blind ninja had heard 'I'll kill you' and thought it was directed at him.

"Sasuke, is that you! Its time to finish our fight! And this time, I'm armed!"

Itachi then pulled out the gun and began shooting random shots into the ceiling

Most party goers were faced with a dilemma, watch a chick fight where one of the girls are nude and risk getting shot, or running like hell. Naruto chose the second one.

"AHH! BLIND GUY WITH A GUN! RUN! BELIEVE IIITTTTTTT!" shouted Naruto, jumping out a window.

* * *

I just got back from my short vacation to the Wisconsin dells, and i've got to say, it really kinda sucked. 

Anyway, thanks for sending reviews, and just so you know, 'wake me up when the world ends' is my girlfriend, and tears of the hidden is her friend who thinks that Tsunade is god.

School starts on Tuesday, thats going to really suck. Im probably going to have less time to write my story then.

Oh, and I just bought the love Hina novel, and have already finished it, its a good read, I feel really sorry for Keitaro ("I don't get girls")

Until next time, every time a yaoi is made, a puppy dies, an Angel looses its wings, and Keitaro gets a Naru Punch (owwww)


	20. Chapter 20, The next day

**Chapter 20**

The next day…

The next day, all the nins were assembling at the school. The night before, the party ended earlier then most would've wanted, but no one wants to stick around when a blind guy starts to fire a gun randomly. Don't worry, no one was hurt, except Shikamaru, who had some rather bad shock injuries on his neck. Oh, and Tobi was hurt too, but no one really cared.

Anyway, school continued for other classes, but Narutos class was differnt, since their regular teacher was in a rehab center for his root beer problem, they only had one class today.

In the classroom, the desks were arranged in a 4x4 manner, in the front row, it was Rock Lee, Sakura (talking to Lee) , Haku, and Kimimaru (telling Haku he isn't gay). In the second row, it was Gaara (right behind Rock Lee, and was drawing LeeXGaara chibi), Choji (eating a portion of his desk), Kiba (he still has the moogle), and Tenten. In the 3rd row, it was Temari, Shikamaru (needs to stay close to Temari), Shino (his hunnies were in a different class) and Ino. In the back was Kankuro (playing with dolls under his desk) and Naruto (spouting 'believe it' every other time he talked). Neji and Hinata weren't at school (they're rich, so their home schooled, its a clan thing). Everyone was doing their own thing, when suddenly, the door opened, and a ninja with a toothpick in his mouth walked in.

"Hello class, in Genma, and I'll be your teacher for the next hour"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and paid attention. Except for Naruto, who was too busy saying 'believe it' to pay attention.

"Listen up punks, Your teacher is still out, and we cant find a sub, so this will be your only class this week, except for that freaky eyed chic"

No one in the class really expected this, and no one knew what he meant by freaky eyed chic. In the front row, Rock Lee raised his hand.

"Excuse me teacher, but no one has told us, what class is this?"

"ohh, well, this is the sex ed class"

Everyone groaned, except for Tenten

"Oh my god! This is a class? All right, this will be my major!" She said, with a look of destiny in her eyes

"No, it doesn't work like that" said Genma, dismissing Tenten "your not here to have sex, were here to talk about it"

"Oh, darn" Said Tenten, upset

Nearby, Temari was mentally killing Tenten over and over again.

"Little horish bitch" Temari thought "i'll finish what i started last night later"

"Anyway, I'm here to teach you that sex is wrong, dirty, and that you should'nt have it."

Everyone in the class was confused by this. Usually the teachers beat around the bush the entire time. Shikamaru raised his hand.

"Where did you get this lesson plan?"

"The Catholic church"

"ohhh" said the whole class

It makes sense.

"Okay class, our first topic is abstinence. Its important to not have sex before marriage. Okay? Its important that you wait. Everyone here, if you have had sex, raise your hand"

To Genmas surprise, everyone raised their hand.

"Okayyyyyy, well, looks like I'm a little late teaching this subject, now, let me rephrase that, everyone who's had sex with Tenten, raise your hand"

Every single guy in the class kept their hands up. The only person in the class who put their hand down was Shika.

"Liar!" shouted Temari, pulling the shocker out of her purse, and pressing the button.

The whole class started to stare horrified at Shikamaru on the ground, shaking and twitching. Kiba got up to go help him. Temari pulled out her fan and pointed in at Kiba.

"If you wanna be a hero, help him, and I'll kill the frickin rat on your head"

"Sniffle, it's not a rat, it's a moogle!"

"It's an ugly rat!"

"moogle! It's a Moogle!" responded Kiba

Kiba teared up, and started to run out of the room. The moogle on top of his gave Temari the finger as Kiba ran out.

"Okay, Temari, I'm going to have to ask you to keep shocking to a minimum, and stop insulting rats on top of students heads"

Temari sat back down, leaned back while crossing her legs, giving the teacher a look that could be compared to an evil glare.

"I cant promise anything" she remarked smugly

Temari and the teacher stared at each other with burning intensity, the staring contest went on for a half a minute, but was interrupted by something in the back.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!" Said Naruto in the back

Genma broke away from the staring contest to shut Naruto up.

"Uh, funny looking kid in the back? Could you please stop talking so I can continue the lesson?"

Naruto looked like he didn't even hear him, he kept rocking back and forth, spewing the same annoying line.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!"

"Umm" Genma said, leaning towards the front row "is he alright?"

"No, he's always retarded like this" said Sakura

Suddenly, Naruto seized up. He had some silly smile frozen on his face, then he fell over onto Kankuro.

"AAAIIEEE!" screamed Kankuro, who was so shocked he threw his dolls up in the air

"uhh, is He all right?" asked Kimimaru from his desk

"I'm fine! Those aren't my dolls! Their Gaaras! I'm Fine! I don't have a problem!" Kankuro said, trying to hide them all

"I was talking about Naruto" said Kimimaru

"Hmmm" Genma walked over and checked him out, he had a rather serious look on his face "okay, I've gotta consult Tsunade about this, class dismissed"

Everyone started to file out of the classroom, while walking out, Gaara was thinking to himself "I don't have any dolls, that liar. Actually, giggle, I do have one"

Gaara pulled a chibi Rock Lee doll from his pocket, on the shirt of the doll; it said 'wuv muffin'.

"what a class of freaks" said Genma, looking at the empty classroom "well, gotta get him out of there" he said, dragging Naruto "Gotta take him to the hospital and... HEY! GET OUTTA HERE!"

Choji was still in the classroom, he had finished his desk, and started to work on Haku's. Choji looked sad for a second, but then ran out of the room.

"sigh, I need a new job" muttered Genma

* * *

School starts tomorrow for me, its a sad thing really. The worse part is that I have this quote running through my head, and it won't go away.

"Looks like my summer vacation, is over..."

Oh well, a cookie to however gets where thats from.

Oh, and a little heads up about future chapters, I have a pretty long one coming up, and out of everything i've done so far, its my favorite chapter, so you can look forward to that.

Oh, and do me a favor and don't ask where i got 'wuv muffin' from


	21. Chapter 21, Bored

**Chapter 21**

What do guys do when their bored

It was around Lunchtime, since the ill fated sex ed class ended early, the nins were looking around for something to do. Rock Lee, Kimimaru, Haku, and Shino were sitting on a picnic table trying to think of a way to burn an afternoon.

"We could, spend the afternoon practicing our kunai knifes" suggested Kimi

"Lame" said Shino, in that concise manner of his

"We could, watch 24 again" suggested Kimi again

"Nah, that show is too predictable" said Haku eating a rice ball

"We could, write fanfiction parodies about Naruto" suggested Kimi, starting to get pissed that no one liked his ideas

"Nah, I got the best idea ever!" said Rock Lee "lets train"

"no, i've got a better idea" suggested Haku "we could spend the day writing and drawing Yaoi!"

Everyone in the group groaned. No one had any ideas what to do. Even Shino couldn't hang with his groupies they were still in school . Haku was a bit disappointed that no one liked his Yaoi Idea.

"What are the girls doing?" asked Shino

"Theyre having some kind of girls night thingie" said Haku

"How do you know?" asked Shino

"They told me no guys were allowed, and yet they invited me, I wonder why?"

"Uhhhh, I have a vague idea" said Kimi

"What is it?"

"Never mind"

"Hey, I got an idea!" said Rock Lee excitedly "we can have an all guys party! We can have it at my dojo!"

"Uh, an all guys party?" asked Shino "sounds kinda gay"

"It's not gay" said Haku "and its called an alternate lifestyle"

Hmm, Shino thought this through, was it a good idea to invite a gay guy to a party for guys? Hmmm, probably not, but its not like anything else was going on tonight.

"Uh, so, Rock, who are you going to invite to this shindig?"

"Let's see" said Rock Lee, counting on his fingers "Theres, Me, you, Haku, Kimi, Neji, Kankuro, Kiba, Choji…"

"Let me stop you there" interrupted Kimi "that little fattie eats everything, bad idea"

"Fine, no Choji, how about Shika?"

"He's on the short lease" said Haku "Temari won't let him go, I wish I was on a short leash…."

Everyone there thought It would probably be best to ignore that last part.

"Uh, well" continued Lee "I think Naruto is going to be in the hospital for a while, so how about Kakashi?"

"Why not" said Kimi

"Okay, I suppose that's it" said Lee

"Uh, you forgot some people, you forgot Akasuki and Gaara"

"Uh, I don't think either of those are good ideas" said Lee "Itachi still has that gun, and If you invite one Akasuki, you have to invite them all, which will be a total pain, also, Gaaras been acting weird around me"

"what do you mean?" asked Haku

"whenever I'm around him, he does this deranged giggle, like he wants to tear my head off" said Rock Lee

"You don't get it?" asked Haku, wondering how thick Lee was "you dont understand what hes doing?"

"don't get what?"

"The giggling, the blushing, the Chibi doll he has of you"

"Maybe he's just weird like that" said Lee

Haku sighed, how could Lee not pick it up? Haku owed it to Gaara to tell him what's up.

"well" said Haku, getting up "I'll go get some food for the party, and before I go, can one of you tell me why the girls invited me to that party?"

Shino, Kimimaru, and Rock Lee looked at each other for an answer, then at the same time they looked at Haku and said simultaneously.

"Not a clue"

"okay" Haku disappeared in a puff of smoke.

All the nins sighed.

"its because he looks like a chick" said Shino

"And because hes 'sensitive" said Kimimaru

"And because hes gay, why do chicks dig gay guys, why?" said Rock Lee, thinking about Sakura's ex-crush.

"if that was true, then the chicks would dig Kimimaru" said Shino

"YOU BUG BASTARD! I"LL KILL YOU" Yelled Kimimaru

Thats right, Kimi had finally snapped. Think twice before you call Kimi gay.

Kimi jumped off the table, did a flip in the air, and landed 10 ft away from the table. Kimi turned around and went into a battle stance, and those spike bones came out of his back (hehe, a boner). Kimi charged at Shino on the park bench. After he beat up the popular ladies man, he wouldn't be considered to be gay anymore. He was fighting for his manhood. He had to win, he was going to win/ Kimimaru closed the distance between the two.

"Prepare to loose" Said Kimi, winding up his fist

In a flash, the battle was over. Kimi lay on the ground unconscious. Shino hadn't even moved. Rock Lee was amazed.

"Whoa! Howd you do that Shino? You didn't even seem to move!"

Shino got up to look at the unconscious Kimi "Thats cause I didn't move"

Lee was confused.

"Then what took him out?"

Shino bent down and looked at something lying on the ground next to Kimi's head. He picked up the mystery object, looking it over.

"What is it?" asked Lee

Shino looked up at Lee, and said "he was knocked out by a flying empty Root Beer bottle"

* * *

Why did I write a comedy fanfic? Simple, its cause I can't write anything else. Whenever i write action, Its always to short and not descriptive enough. I can't write poetry to save my life. I think the horror genre is stupid. Sci Fi and Mystery require too much planning, and Romance... I could write a book on why I can't write that. Any time I try to do a romance scene, it comes out a bit blunt. In My story, It was hard enough to put Gaara and Lee togather, writing a romance is hard, but trying to write a Yaoi is even harder. Those Fangirls must be in super Advanced English or something.

The next Chapter is the big one I said, as far as my chapters go, its about 2x or 3x bigger than what I usually write.

Thankupo for sending those reviews, Believe it!


	22. Chapter 22, Ying Yang Parties

**Chapter 22**

Party Ying Yang

**At the girl's party **

The girl's party just got started. The party was at Sakura's house, she had invited most of the girls In the village hidden in leaves. Currently there was Ino, Temari, Hinata, Tenten, Anko, and Kunerai. Music was playing (some freaky DDR euro techno) , and there was refreshments and such, but no one was doing anything. Sakura knew she needed to kick her party off somehow, and she decided to complain about what all crazy girls complain about.

"So, anyone here having guy problems" asked Sakura cheerfully

That hit it. Sakura hit the bull's eye on the first shot.

"Ugh" said Ino "none of the guys in town like me, it's like I'm invisa…"

"Kakashi won't return my calls!" whined Anko, cutting off Ino "he won't talk to me, he won't notice me, and he won't come back to my place for hot kinky sex!"

Jeez, akward

"Well" said Ino "I think I know why none of the guys like me, it's because….."

**At the guy's party **

"Ino's a bitch!" yelled Neji at the party "that's why I hate her"

"Uh, Neji, we were talking about the cubs" said Kakashi

"Oh, sorry"

Kimimaru was talking to Haku in the corner. Kimimarus head still hurt from his accident earlier, and he still wondered how Shino took him down.

"uhh, Haku, don't you think a all guys party is a little, umm, French?"

"What do you mean?"

"Seriously, everyone here are teenage guys, don't Yaoi's start out like this?"

"Probably, but out of all the Yaoi's I've read, only two of them started off as all guy parties" said Haku, trailing off again

"Uh, right" said Kimimaru "how many have you read?"

"Lets see" Haku started to count on his fingers, it looked like he was having trouble

"Having problems remembering?" asked Kimi

"No, having problems counting that high. But if I exclude the video game yaoi's, it should be a little over 200"

Kimi was a little shocked. "Who the hell writes those anyway?"

"some really talented Girls on Fanfiction sites" said Haku, giving Kimimaru a thumbs up "they're really talented, they must've taken advanced English or something"

Kimimaru sighed "they've done a horrible thing to mankind"

Gaara sat on the couch, sipping some cola and staring at Lee. Gaara couldn't help but giggle to himself. He knew why Lee had an all guy's party. Hehe, he was being so coy, inviting everyone to this thing. He knew this was his chance to confess to Lee, he knew it. Gaara couldn't help but giggle to himself, which seriously started to creep out Kiba, who was sitting next to him on the couch.

"Hi Kiba" said Gaara "is something wrong"

"Nothing, nothing" said Kiba terrified, wondering if Hell had just frozen over "nothing at all"

Gaara changed his focus back to Lee, who was talking to Neji about something. He needed a plan, he needed to get Lee alone first, but how….

"Hey" Neji said to Lee "I understand your having girl problems"

"Oh, yeah, I kissed Sakura a few days ago, and she doesn't remember now, is she trying to screw with me or something?"

"uh huh, really"

Neji thought to himself, he definitely saw Lee kissing someone, but he could've sworn it was Gaara. He decided not to press that.

"So you kissed _her_" said Neji, putting an unusually large emphasis on the word 'her', "how was it?"

"Well" said Lee, smiling, doing that funky blush of his "it was amazing, it was everything I expected it to be, It was, wonderus"

Nearby on the couch, Gaara giggled. Hehe, he loved that green wuv muffin, his awesome hair, his never-give-up personality, his really cute…"

**At the girl's party **

"Buns! Hey Sakura, you never said you had put buns out with the snacks" said Hinata, looking at the snacks.

The girls now were all sitting down in a circle, they were eating ice cream straight from the tub, and complaining about guy problems.

"I don't get Kakashi" moaned Anko, eating Rocky Road

"I don't get Rock Lee" Moaned Sakura, eating Mint chocolate chip

"Uh, I don't get Naruto" whined Hinata, eating Sherbert

"I don't get any of the guys in town" whined Ino, eating banana flavored

"Yum, Ice cream" said Tenten

Sakura sighed "you know, maybe I shouldn't sling Rock Lee along like this and just kiss him"

Suddenly Temari came back from outside.

"Uh, what were you doing Temari?" Asked Hinata

"I sent Shika to go get us some movies"

"Uh, Temari, didn't you put a shock collar on him so he cant escape?"

As soon as Hinata said that, a shocking noise followed by a scream could be heard.

"Opps, I forgot about that"

**At the guys party**

"You know what I don't get about girls?" asked Rock Lee

Everyone at the guys party were tired of people complaining about girls problems. It took self restraint to not throw something at Lee.

"What?" grumbled Shino

"I have the theory that girls enjoy torturing themselves" said Lee

Everyone was confused at what Lee said.

"Uh, explain" asked Kiba

"Let me say an example, sad movies. When a guy sees a sad movie, he gets depressed and feels miserable afterwords, right?"

"Uh huh" said everyone in unison

"When a girl sees a sad movie, she cries her head off and gets all clingy, and when it's over, she'll say it's the best thing shes ever seen"

"Yeah, you're right, I've seen that happen" said Kakashi

"Holy crap your right, woman enjoy torturing themselves" said Kiba

"And they enjoy torturing Shikamaru" added Kankuro

"Well, your theories wrong" said Haku, standing up "I see sad movies, cry, and I like them, and I'm not a girl"

Everyone there was thinking the exact same thing, but kept their mouths shut.

**At the girls party**

"Hey, Tenten" Hinata asked "why do we love sad movies again?"

"I dunno, to confuse guys?" Tenten replied

"oh, okay"

The girls had finished Polishing off the ice cream, and they weren't able to get any movies (the errand boy was incapacitated).

Sakura and Ino were playing some DDR game on super deluxe heavy mode, and (NOTE, at this part, the author ran out of ideas and couldn't think of anything to write here, so decided to do a yuri pillow fight scene)

"Pillowfight!" said Tenten, whacking Ino in the back of the head with a pillow.

Ino was off guard when she was hit, and toppled head first into the Tv, effectively destroying it with her bitchy blonde hair. Everyone was shocked at first, but went back to the pillowfight.

(NOTE, The yuri pillowfight scene starts here, but due to the authors morals and lack of talent, didn't put it in)

**At the Guys party**

Shino was talking to Kakashi and Haku in the corner. They were both asking the same question all Shino fans ask (Author included).

"Shino, how do those bugs get out of your body" asked Kakashi

"I thought we were talking about Halo" said Shino, rather pissed that they brought up a sore subject

"yeah, I've got no idea how, how do you do that?" asked Haku

"magic" Muttered Shino

"Hey yeah, how do you do that?" asked Kankuro, butting in on the conversation

"yeah, tell us" Kakashi said, trying to worm the info out of him

Shino started to back into a corner, he was trapped.

"come on, tell us"

"yeah, we wanna know"

"whats your secret?"

Shino knew that they wouldn't leave him unless they got something. He decided that maybe it was time to tell them.

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you" said Shino, looking like he gave up "the bugs come out of my body by…"

**At the girls party**

"You know, I heard the guys are having their own party right now, I wonder what theyre doing"

All the girls started to have their own yaoi fantasies in their head. (yaoi thoughts not listed to protect the innocent)

"Hey, I have a crazy idea" suggest Ino "why don't we go over there to see what their doing?"

"No" said Anko "that's just stupid"

"Yeah, Lame" Temari chimed in

"I have an Idea" said Tenten "lets go over there to see what their doing"

"Great Idea!" said Anko "lets go now!"

"Yeah, lets go!" Temari said enthusiastically

All the girls got up and Left, leaving Ino in their wake wondering What the frick was wrong with everyone.

**At the guy's party **

To disappoint the girls, the guys actually were not doing anything of a yaoi related manner. They were actually watching the movie 'RENT', they were in a contest, to see who could go the farthest into the movie without throwing up. It was about 15 minutes into the movie, and so far, almost everyone had thrown up so far (Rock Lee threw up first). The only people remaining were Gaara and Haku (who seemed to really enjoy the scene with the dancing drag queen). All the other guys there were cleaning up their own puke. Gaara and Haku sat on the couch, watching it like their life depended on it.

"Whoa nelly, Rock Lee, that movie sucked" said Kakashi, who was manning the mop

"Hey, I know, but I needed a movie which I knew would churn some stomaches" said Lee, who was getting some soap "I saw that movie with Gaara once, it was horrible" (When Rock Lee attempted to leave, Gaara bit him)

"Uh, jeez, I shouldn't have had all that jello earlier" said Kankuro, who was turning a nasty shade of green.

"You throw up again and your cleaning it up" said Kakashi, still mopping "hey Lee, your challenge was, interesting, but is there a challenge we can do that doesn't involve watching a movie about AIDS?"

"Uh, good Idea" said Lee, who went over to the TV and Turned it off

"NOOOOOOOO!" shouted Gaara and Haku, who both Leaped up on Lee to wrestle the remote away from him

While the gay sand guy, the girly guy, and the green guy were fighting on the ground, Shino got pissed. This party was going no where, and if things continued down this path, a yaoi wouldn't be to far off. Shino decided to take command.

"Gentlemen" he said, standing up on the table "we need a plan, this party is tanking, its time to take action, were men, and what do we do as men?"

"uhh, burn witches?" suggested Kiba

Kakashi delivered Kiba a blow in the face from the mop handle.

"Thank you" continued Shino "no! We do stupid and irresponsible stuff, and we should do that right now!"

"YEAH!" Shouted the partygoers

"We need to do something that puts one of our lives in danger!"

"YEAH!"

"And we need to do it to Kiba"

"YEA!" shouted the party goers

"YE-wait what?" asked Kiba

Kimimaru, Shino, Kakashi, Kankuro, Haku, and Neji grabbed Kiba and started to march to the roof of the dojo. After they left the room, Shino returned to get Lee and Gaara, who were still wrestling on the ground.

"Uh, guys, were going upstairs to do something stupid and irresponsible now"

"ohh, okay" Lee got up and followed them, leaving Gaara on the ground

Gaara giggled to himself, his hand had done a bit of straying during his 'wrestling with Lee' (ewwwwwwww). This was the best party ever he thought to himself.

**At the girl's party **

The girls were outside the dojo, trying to find a place to spy in. They had expected it to be like one of their Yaoi fantasies, all guys, no girls, they would then the boys would decide to (censored yaoi thoughts, for the innocent). They were camped out in some bushes, each of the girls had brought a camera with for "precious moments". All of the girls were lying down, each scanning around, looking for a window. They were having no luck (Rock Lee's dojo doesn't have any windows). They were loosing heart, when some noises could be heard from the dojo.

"Hey, do you hear something funny going on up there" whispered Sakura to Tenten

"What do you mean?"

"It's like someones yelling, what is it"

"Hmm, sounds like Kiba" said Temari

"Hey" said Anko, pointing to the roof, "something's happening up on the roof!"

**At the boy's party **

The guys were on the roof of the dojo, and they had formed the ultimate stupid stunt. They had it all planed out. Kakashi would film the event, Kankuro and Neji would take pictures, and Haku would be the nurse in case something went wrong (which will probably happen), and Kiba would be the stuntman. Kiba had 500 bottle rockets strapped to both legs. Shino was next to him reviewing the plan.

"Okay, Kiba, you know what they're doing, do you know what your doing?"

"Not a clue" said Kiba, rather nervous that he was strapped to explosives

"Once again here's the plan. We will light the fireworks, and you will count to 5, then jump off the roof, half way down, they'll ignite, and if Neji's theory is correct, then you'll fly"

"Uh, that sounds dangerous, are you sure Neji's right?"

"Yeah, Neji's a genius, because he's home schooled"

"Good point, okay, lets do this"

Rock Lee pulled out a match and lit it, he was about to lit the fuse when…

"Wait" interuppeted Haku, stepping next to Lee "what were doing is dangerous, so lets give him a helmet"

"ohh, smart thinking" said Shino "here you go"

Kiba put on his helmet, but to do so, he had to take the moogle off. When Kiba took the moogle off, it started to fly, doing slow circles around Kiba's head.

"Don't worry buddy, you can still do this with me"

"kupo kupo!" the Moogle said, shaking its head, the moogle was the only person there realizing the stupidity of the stunt.

Shino lit the fuse, and everyone took their positions. The moogle flew off the roof into the sky.

"Wait buddy! Don't you wanna do this with me?" he yelled to his furry friend

"Kupo kupo! Kupopopo!" the moogle said as it flew away

"NO! LITTLE BUDDY! DON'T LEAVE ME!" shouted Kiba as he jumped off the roof, trying to grab the moogle.

"NO! KIBA! YOU JUMPED TO SOON!" yelled Haku as Kiba jumped

Kiba hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. He was still on the ground, leaving the people on the roof to assume the worst.

"Oh my god!" yelled Neji "we killed Kiba!"

Suddenly, out of no where, Rock Lee yelled "were Bastards!"

**At the girl's party **

The girls were watching the whole thing. They were all wondering, how could they be so stupid?

"Jeez, and isn't he on your team" Sakura asked Hinata

Hinata blushed and hid her head "yeah, he is, and he does that a lot"

"They're so stupid" giggled Tenten "if they had done 600 bottle rockets, it would've worked"

All the girls started to stare at Tenten.

"What?"

**At the guy's party **

All the guys were looking off the roof, wondering if Kiba was alright, and if he would sue.

"Kiba, if your alright, say something" yelled Neji

"Kiba, if you wave your right to sue, say something" added Kimimaru

"I'm fine" yelled Kiba "I guess I'm lucky they didn't go off"

Kiba spoke to soon. The Bottle Rockets started to light, and Kiba started to scream like crazy.

Everyone was looking over the rim, and Gaara saw his opportunity. Lee was leaning over the edge, and Gaara pinched Lee's butt, Lee was so surprised he lost his balance and fell off the roof.

"Oh shit!" yelled Kakashi "that makes two now"

"They're in trouble" said Kankuro "should we help them?"

"uhh" said Shino "I've got a better idea, lets get the hell out of here"

"Good idea" said Kakashi

The guys proceeded to get the hell out of there.

* * *

This was my favorite chapter to type. It also was the hardest to write. I could never tell if it was funny to just me, or funny in general. I find it funny because parts of this actually happened to me. I have had that theory on Girls for quite a while, and My GF once forced me to watch RENT (It was similar to what happened to Lee). The part with the fireworks didn't happen, but its something I have planned for the future. 

On a side note, I totally wish that I knew how to make Flash Cartoons. Somehow, I think that this would make a great cartoon.

Oh, and the next Chapter is the first appearance of two characters, Tsunade, and (you'll find out later). The second is DEFINETLY NOT SASUKE. To make things clear, I have no intention whatsoever of putting him in this story, or not.

Keep sending those reviews, and until next time...

Kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo kupo Believe it.


	23. Chapter 23, ER Ninja Style

**Chapter 23**

E.R, Ninja style

Rock Lee awoke to find himself in a hospital bed. His head hurt like heck, and he couldn't move. The last thing he remembered was Gaara doing something to his butt, and then Lee fell off the roof of his Dojo. Did Gaara push him? Did he try to kill him again? Lee didn't know. Suddenly, a well endowed Nurse came into the room.

"Excuse me, is this a dirty dream, like, a naughty nurse or something?" asked Lee hopefully

"No you green prick" said the Nurse with huge kittens "your not dreaming, your really in the hospital"

"wait" Rock Lee focused a little harder on the nurse, it wasn't a nurse at all, it was Tsunade

"ohh shoot" Said Lee nervously, "your not going to kill me about that naughty nurse comment, are you?"

"I'm going to ignore it, and I need to tell you about your condition" said Tsunade, all serious like "You fell off the roof of a building, and Landed badly"

"Uh-huh"

"And according to Hinata and Sakura, who dragged you and dog boy here, they said Gaara pushed you, is that right"

"Sounds right"

"Well, I've got bad news, Lee, I'm afra….."

Tsunade trailed off, like she was too afraid to tell Lee something.

"What is it doc? Whats wrong" Lee said Nervously, rembering the last time he was in the hospital

"Lee, I'm afraid due to the injuries Gaara gave you, your Left arm and Left leg has been shattered, you'll never be well enough to be a Ninja again" she sobbed out (hmm, this part sounds familiar)

Lee was so shocked and scared by this news he past out from fright.

"GOTCHA!" yelled Tsunade, laughing her ass off "you stupid kid! I totally got you, seriously, aww, jeez, you are so lame!"

Rock Lee, being unconscious, was in no condition to argue.

"Haha, you are so gullible" Tsunade was laughing so hard, she could barely stand up "hehe, jeez, I cant believe you didn't see through that, Gaara already crippled you once, and now he wouldn't cripple you twice, hehehe"

Sakura suddenly walked in the room, as soon as she did, Tsunade straightened up.

"is Lee going to be alright?" asked Sakura sincerely

"He'll be fine, all he got was some minor bruises, he can go home tomorrow"

"thank you, sensei" Sakura bowed and left. As soon as she did, Tsunade went right back to laughing.

"Hehe, stupid ninja"

* * *

In the hospital waiting room, Kiba's guinea pig (named Will), Kiba's Cat (named Garfield), Kiba's raccoon (named Buddy), and the moogle (named Mog) were all playing cards.

Tsunade walked over to the table of furry animals playing poker. Surprisingly, she was unfazed that a group of animals were playing cards together.

"okay, which one of you Is here to see that furry kid?"

All of the little animals raised their paws at the same time.

"uhh, I can't let all of you in at the same time, just the moogle"

The other animals looked sad, but went back to the card game.

"kupo kupo! Kupo kupopo!" the moogle said and flew off to visit Kiba (Translation, guys, I'll be back, and if you look at my cards, I'll kick you in the ass so hard, your nose will bleed)

* * *

Next to Kiba's room, Naruto was in an intensive care room. Next to him was Jiraya, Kakashi, and Haku, all waiting to figure out what was wrong with Naruto. Naruto was unconscious, but was making strange noises that sounded awfully close to 'believe it'

"Jeez, I hate hospitals" said Kakashi, reading Final Fantasy, Yuri Heaven (coming soon to a bookstore near you) "the smell here is awful"

"I hate hospitals" said Jiraya, obviously pissed off that he had to be here "the nurses are much hotter in the pornos"

"I love hospitals" said Haku cheerily "maybe a big strong nurse man will give me a sponge bath"

Upon hearing this, Kakashi and Jiraya slowly started to scoot away from Haku. Suddenly, a nurse (unfortunately for Haku, a girl) came in the room, carrying a chart.

"ohh" said Jiraya, finally glad a hot nurse came "are you going to give me an injection of love?"

"No" she responded, obviously irked by Jiraya "I'm here to tell you that doctor Tsunade and her assistant will be coming soon" and then the nurse left

"Okay, soon, that's good" said Haku cheerily

"No, it's a trick" said Jiraya, with a look of fear on his face "doctors have a code when it comes to treating patients, when they say 'coming soon', its code for 'yeah, like that's going to happen', the doctor wont be here for hours"

"You're probably exaggerating" Haku replied

(**Four hours later**)

Tsunade finally came in the room. Jiraya and Kakashi were incredibly pissed at her timing, but Haku didn't seem to mind.

"What the (censored) took you so long?" said Jiraya, mad as hell

"Well, I needed to get me some beer, hiccup and then I needed lunch, then I decided hic I don't give a crap about Naruto, hic went to catch a movie, then came back" Tsunade said, barely able to stand straight

"Umm, okay, is it a good idea to do your job drunk?" asked Haku

"hick probably, that's why I got my assistant" Said Tsunade, pointing to the door (in her drunken state, she couldn't point straight)

Suddenly, a small, furry, four legged, fox-eyed dog came into the room, and jumped onto Hakus head.

"Akamaru?" asked Haku, shocked that a dog was a doctor

"Bark bark bark!" Akamaru said

"ohhh, he's quite capable" said Tsunade "He hick! transferred here from dental school, he had too much potential to be hick a dentist (aka, fake doctor) anyway, time to get down to the retarded Ninja"

Jiraya was shaking with rage, but he knew what happens when you piss off Tsunade. "whats wrong with him?" he said, pointing to Naruto

"Bark! Bark Bark Bark Bark, Bark Bark, Bark, grr!" went Akamaru

"And that's pretty much it" said Tsuande with a drunken, silly smile

"uhh, what the hell did he say?" asked Kakashi

"Well" said Haku "he said that Naruto suffers from a common disease in a place called America, its called _BadEnglishdubious syndrome_"

"Bark Bark Bark Bark! Bark Bark, Bark!"

"He also says that this disease causes him to say a bad catch phrase so much that its painful to himself and others, and that's caused him to loose control of his central nervous system"

"ohh, sounds bad" said Kakashi "is there a cure for it? Not that loosing Naruto is a bad thing…"

"Bark bark, Bark grrrr Bark wolf!"

"He says that there is a cure, and they've injected him with 50 cc's of Dattebayo, and he should make a full recovery in a few days"

"ohh, Okay, fine, sounds good"

Suddenly, Tsunade passed out on the floor, snoring like a sailor.

"uhh, I guess its time to go home"

Haku and Kakashi left the room. Akamaru went over and sniffed Tsunade, knowing that she would be like this for hours, Akamaru left. Jiraya was the only person who didn't leave, he looked left and right. It was clear. He did that perverted giggle of his and went over and started to try to try to peek into Tsunades cleavage. He kept giggling, he was about to see the magnificent kittens of the great Lesbian of the sky (hmm, I might get in trouble for using that term….). Suddenly, Tsunades right hand shot out and grabbed Jirayas throat.

"arrgh!" Jiraya spat out as Tsuande began to throttle him while she was still unconscious.

* * *

Meanwhile, outside, Gaara was sitting on a park bench alone. He was very sad; he had hurt his wuv muffin again. He had boughten Lee some flowers, but he didn't know how to give them to him. He had hurt his precious spandex wearing love, and didn't know how to make him fell better. This was awful, what could he do? Gaara racked his crazy red head for an answer, trying to think of what he could do. Suddenly, it struck Gaara like a thunderbolt, another great plan! The plan was so great, it was worthy of becoming a Yaoi. In fact, it was so great, it would make all yaoi's before it look like childs play.

Gaara started to giggle and set about to put his plan into action….

* * *

You know everyone, I make a ton of Jokes here, but Time to be serious. Today, I made fun of a disease, while it was funny, I must have you know, not in real life. _BadEnglishdubious syndrome_ is a real disease, and a serious one at that. Its a disease that is suffered by many, most notibly in Animes. In Animes, bad english dubs are rampant, and as many as 70 of characters in Animes suffer from it. Naruto is no exception. Such Sufferers of this disease are Naruto, Shino, Iruka, and and Rock Lee. This is not a laughing matter. The more you know, that more you can do to stop the spread of this horrible disease.

Anyway, the next chapter was a bit hard to write. As you can guess from this chapter, Gaara pulls another one of his Yaoi stunts. I won't ruin if for you, but It's even worse (or better) than before. I got the idea from some friends of mine (Yaoi lovers). The idea first almost made me throw up, but after some pepto, and some thought, I figured I could write it in.

Kupo!


	24. Chapter 24, Gaaras second Plan

**Chapter 24**

Gaaras second plan

Lee was lying in bed, tired, worried, and jittery. The nurses told him that his arm and Leg actually weren't broken, and that he could go home tomorrow. Things got worse for Lee after that, one of the nurses recognized him from last time he was there and they handcuffed Lee to the bed (so he wouldn't escape to train). It was all so freakin dull in the hospital, and all he could do was sleep. Lee closed his eyes and began to think about Sakura, beautiful, kind Sakura. Lee was hoping she would visit him, but he hadn't seen her the whole time he was there. Lee closed his eyes and figured he shouldn't think about it so much and get some sleep.

* * *

When Lee had actually dozed off a bit, someone walked in his room. Lee was out so he didn't hear anything. The person locked the door, and unconnected the phone line in the room. The figure walked up to the sleeping Lee and giggled.

* * *

Lee was having a really great dream. He was in his hospital bed, wind was blowing, and above him was Sakura, she was in a sexy nurse's uniform giving him a sponge bath.

"Oh Sakura, this is so nice of you"

"Its all for you, my little wuv muffin" Sakura responded in a rather odd voice

"huh?" Lee said

Lee woke up from his dream and opened his eyes, and looked around. He could feel something funny pressing against him, something moist. Someone was defiantly sponging him down, that was for sure. Lee still had some sleep in his eyes, so everything was blurry and he couldn't quite make out who. The person was wearing a sexy nurses uniform and everything. It was an incredibly hot scene, and to top it off, Lee noticed the the nurses hair was slighty redish color, it must be Sakuras pink hair Lee thought.

"Hey Sakura, you are an absolute pleasure to look at" Lee said, absolutely positive it was Sakura

The girl wearing the sexy uniform slowly leaned forward and kissed Lee on the lips. Lee eyes water that way he does when he gets happy, and he blushed. They kissed for about a half minute and pulled away. Lee looked into the eyes of the girl he loved, knowing full well he loved her. Unfortunately, Lee got a nasty shock. The person he kissed was not Sakura, or even a girl for that matter. It was Gaara. Gaara, was in Lees room, in a sexy nurses outfit, giving him a sponge bath, and frenching him. Lee was in totally shock, was he asleep? No, he defiantly was awake, what the heck was going on? Lees eye began to twitch uncontrollably and a look of terror started to grow across his face. He started to shake uncontrollably and studder, with absolute horror sinking in. Gaara was completely unaware of this horror, he just smiled, giggled, and went in for another kiss. Lee started to scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(stopped to get some air)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(stopped to get more air) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

At the Nearby mall, Tenten and Hinata were buying some flowers to give to the sick ninjas (Tenten was also buying dirty magazines). Hinata was going through the flowers trying to decide which ones Naruto would like best. Tenten was busy reading a Yaoi/Yuri story of Inuyasha, when all of a sudden; her head tilted to the side, and she got up like she heard something.

"What's wrong Tenten" asked Hinata, looking up from the flowers

"I sense….. something……its very…." She said, putting her hand to her ear as if to hear something "Lees in trouble, possibly, a problem that involves Yaoi, a sexy nurse, and handcuffs"

"Uh, Tenten, what's Yaoi?" Hinata said, completely clueless as to what Tenten was talking about.

Tenten was giggling and grabbing her stuff. She had a look on her eyes like they had to move, and fast.

"No Time to explain, we need to go to the hospital, and being a video camera too"

* * *

Outside the hospital, Jiraya was sitting on a park bench with ice packs around his neck. It had been a horrible day for him, he had spent 4 hours waiting for the friggin doctor, learned that the dumbass fox kid suffered from a foreign disease, and when he tried to gain some profit from it all by gathering intelligence, he was strangled. Sigh, it was not a good day for him. He pulled out his radio to contact his protégée.

"Grasshopper perv, Grasshopper perv, this is frog perv, do you read me? Over."

A static noise went over the radio, and then a voice came out.

"Roger, this is Grasshopper perv, Frog perv, what is your status? Over"

"I am slightly injured, it will heal, I must ask you to meet me in front of the hospital, I have a top secret mission for you, over"

"Gotcha Frog Perv, I actually am heading over there right now, following my target, over"

Jiraya reasoned when he meant 'target', he meant his cousin. Jiraya shuddered, even as big of a perv he was, even he didn't really like that. Cousin loving was for hicks, Inbreds, and the French. But, he he thought to himself, Neji was growing up to be a splendid Perv.

Suddenly, Jiraya saw the nudist girl running up to the hospital, followed by the quiet chick. The Nudie girl was holding a video camera, screaming "dirty bad Yaoi fun!" as she ran into the hospital. Shortly after they ran in, Neji appeared behind them.

"Ero-senin, what is it?" asked Neji, cold as ice "You better have a good reason for interrupting my intel gathering"

"Well, hehe, the thing is" Started Jiraya, not quite sure how to tell him

"What?"

"You see, the other day at the party, when I got caught, I had to bribe my way out"

"Yeah, you mentioned that, who was it that caught you?"

"Creepy sand Kid"

"Crud, so he took the bribe idea?"

"Yeah"

"What did you bribe him with?"

"Well, you see, that's why I need you"

"What?"

"You see, he wanted, some, how do I say this" Jiraya stumbled for words "you need to take some nudie pictures of Lee so Sand kid wont rat us out"

To say the least, Neji was shocked

"uh, ero-senin, what?"

"seriously, kid, your our only hope"

Neji cursed to himself, How could his teacher get caught? He hated the Idea but knew he was the best person for the job

"where is he now?"

Suddenly, there was a smashing noise from the front entrance of the hospital, the force of it was so strong that Neji and Jiraya were knocked to the ground.

Neji got to his knees and looked at the entrance, what the hell was that?

Out of the huge hole that was created in the entrance of the hospital, Ran Lee, in a hospital gown, handcuffed to a hospital bed running away, screaming, and waving his free arm like a maniac "AAAAAAAAA! SAND SEX! AAAAAA! RED HAIR! AAAAAA! SAND SPONGE BATH!"

This was the weirdest thing that Neji ever saw. Then, things got worse. A wave of sand, carrying Gaara, came crashing out of the freshly made hole in the wall. The sand chased right after Lee, with Gaara yelling "COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK WUV MUFFIN!"

Neji stood there in total shock, his jaw dropped. Jiraya got up, and dusted himself off.

"I need to quit drinking" Jiraya muttered to himself

* * *

In the next chapter, I will be adding a new character to the mix in my story. I won't tell you who it is, but I will give you some hints, 1) This mystery person is NOT from Naruto 2) This person is mentioned on my list on my profile.

Nextly, Someone asked me a question about what kinds of stuff Tenten is into. While I would tell you, the problem is, this fanfic is only rated T, I could'nt tell you without getting in trouble or having to move it to a M rating. I will say this though, Its a veryyyyyyyyyyy long list.

Whoo! I'm almost up to 100 reviews! Maybe I'll win a Pulitzer or something. Thank you for all your reviews.

Until next time, Kupo kupopo! (translation, Believe itpo!)


	25. Chapter 25, schools back

**Chapter 25**

Schools back

The Nins were back in school. It had been an awfully weird time for them recently. Their past teachers had been dropping out like flies. Iruka had escaped from his root beer rehab center and was on the run from ANBU for stealing $900 worth of root beer, and Genma had quit because 'he didn't like those damn punks'. The only other class for our group of ninjas that wasn't occupied was the cooking class (taught by Kurenai).

The cooking classroom was set up with the center having desks in the same 4x4 formation, with the edges of the classroom being the actual kitchen parts.

The nins were in the same seats as before, in the front row, starting on the left, was Rock Lee (still in shock, muttering "Red Hair…….Red Hair"), Sakura (who was trying to get Lees attention, but failing), Haku (who was listening to the CD of 'RENT'), and Kimimaru (using one of his bones to carve into his desk). In the second row, was Gaara (still drawing chibi Yaoi), Choji (eating his desk, again), Kiba, and Tenten (reading a Hentai). In the 3rd row, was Temari (still has Shika on the short leash), Shika (crying), Shino, and Ino. In the last row, was Kankuro, Naruto (shouting Dattebayo) and a new student, a guy with pink hair and a pink outift.

The door suddenly opened, and Kurenai walked in the room. As soon as she did, the new kid in the class suddenly yelled "hey! Hot Momma, take it off hunnie!"

"Morning students" said Kurenai, not hearing Him "welcome to intro to cooking, now I know some of you have experience in this subject" she said looking a Temari "and might have an advantage over others"

"Yeah right" mumbled Shika

Yup, everyone saw what happened next.

ZAP!

"AAAAAAA!"

As Shika shook with Pain from his collar thingie, kurenai scanned the class.

"Oh, yes children, we have a new student" she said, looking at her list "would a mister, Zelos Wilder come up here?"

The Guy in the back with pink hair got up and strutted to the front of the class, pinching Tenten in the hiney as he did. He got to the front of the class, and introduced himself.

"Yo Losers! I'm Zelos, I'm the foxiest and Hotest mother f--ker you've ever seen. I'm a Magic swordsman, Casanova, and gigalo. I'm the gift to ladies man ever, and I'm looking for some new hunnies. For all you ladies, I'll call you, and to all you guys, go F--k yourselves"

"You" he said, pointing to Tenten "can be hot funny looking girl"

"You" he continued, pointing to Sakura "can be my love lotus"

"You" he said, pointing to Ino, "can be the ugly one"

"You" he said, pointing to Temari "can be the insane chic"

"And you" he said, pointing to Haku "can be my wuv hunnie"

"I'm a guy" said Haku

"Oh, that was a close one" Zelos thought to himself

"Thank you Zelos, you may sit down"

Zelos strutted back to his desk, every guy in the class was pissed off (for good reason), while all the girls blushed and giggled. On his way back, Kiba tried to trip him, and Zelos saw through it and countered by slamming his face into his desk.

"Don't mess with me"

The moogle on Kibas head gave Zelos the finger as he walked away.

In the front row, Kimimaru whispered to Haku

"You know, for a guy who wears pink, he's pretty tough"

Haku eyes were focused on Zeloses butt. "he is soo hot"

Kimimaru scooted his desk away from Haku.

* * *

It was later, and all the ninjas were at their kitchen stations around the room. They were instructed by Kurenai to cook a Chicken. She had given them instructions so easy, a moron could figure it out, and, as she expected, they were having problems.

In lab # 4, Naruto was paired with Kiba, and they're were having problems. Since Kiba loves animals so much, he's a vegetarian. Asking a vegetarian to cook a chicken is not a good idea.

"For the love of dattebayo, just help me baste the thing!"

Kiba was holding the chicken, shaking it, like he was hoping it would come back to life.

"Come on, little buddy, you can pull through! Come on! You can do it!"

"Put the damndattebayo chicken down" Naruto yelled, trying to wrestle it away from Kiba

Naruto and Kiba started to wrestle over the chicken on the ground, Haku, who was paired up with Kankuro, thought this was rather exciting.

"Ooo, ahhh, hehe" Haku said as he fanned himself "I wish I had bought my camera"

Kankuro had finished preparing his Chicken, but he had the sudden urge to shove his hand up the turkeys butt and do a ventriloquist act. He looked left, no one, he looked right, no one was watching. Kankuro started to reach his hand for his chickens butt, suddenly…

"Don't even think about it" Kurenai said, grabbing the chicken away from Kankuro.

* * *

In the back of the room, Rock Lee and Sakura were working together. Rock Lee was twitchy and nervous, always ducking whenever Gaara looked in his direction. Sakura was rather bugged by this, Lee was acting all weird and strange, something happened, and he wouldn't say. She wanted to get the bottom of this, but how to do that?

"uh, Lee, could you help me baste the chicken?"

"AAA!" Lee spazed and roundhoused the chicken, sending it sailing into the back of Ino's head. Upon getting hit, Ino fell face first into the grease bucket. As usual, no one cared.

"Uh, Lee, are you alright?"

"Sakura, hehehe, not Gaara person, I'm fine, fine, fine fine, super fine"

"uh, okayyyyyy" said Sakura, realizing how messed up Lee was

"red hair, red hair………." He said, spazing

"excuse me, Students?" Said Kurenai out loud

Everyone was too busy to pay attention. When Ino had her head stuck in the grease bucket, Zelos threw a match in there, setting Ino's head on fire. Everyone was busy watching Ino run around on fire than to listen to Kurenai.

Kurenai pushed Ino into the trash, and got the classes attention again.

"Oh, and students, I have an announcement, tomorrow night, your students are going to be putting on a play for all of Konaha"

The students all groaned.

Shikamaru raised his hand to ask question

"whos directing the play?"

Suddenly, Temari (Shikas cooking partner) got pissed off.

"WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSON TO SPEAK?" she said as she shocked him

"anyway" Kurenai continued, ignoring Shika shaking violently on the ground "the play will be directed by Kakashi, and I'm not sure what play your going to perform"

"Sounds friggen stupid" Yelled Zelos, in the 3rd kitchen station "can we just bribe our ways out of this?"

"No"

"Shit"

"A play?" Thought Gaara "this might be my perfect opportunity to, hehe, perform with my wuv muffin"

Suddenly, something caught the attention of everyone in the class. Everyone turned around, and outside, Jiraya was tapping on the glass.

"what are you doing Jiraya?" asked Kurenai, annoyed that her class was interrupted

"oh, don't worry, I wont stay for long, just one thing I have to say"

Jiraya promptly turned around, pulled down his pants, and started to press his 50-year-old butt against the window.

Needless to say, the class was horrified.

* * *

Yup, thats right, Zelos Wilder is now part of the story. For those who who havent played Tales of Symphonia, Zelos was one of the playable characters. He was the chosen of Tetehalla (no idea how to spell that), he was basically as he appeared here, an arrogant, overconfident, Ladies Man. I put him in because I thought he'd fit right in with the gang from Naruto pretty well. But our story already has one ladies man, is there enough for two? (cue foreshadowing Music)

Also, yes, in the future, the nins put on a play, and yes, nins screw up, people get hurt, and yes, Gaara plots yet another plan. I've gotta say, on a side note, Yaoi is hard to write. It just keeps getting harder and harder to top the stuff Gaara plots. I'm also starting to feel sorry for Lee, seriously, I feel guilty writing all this stuff to him. The person I feel worse for is Shika, seriously, in the manga, Temari had Shikamaru whipped, in my story, i took it a step further.

Anyway, until next time, everytime a yaoi is written, a puppy dies, an angel looses its wings, and an extra week of school is added to the semester (NOOOOO!)


	26. Chapter 26, who wants to play play?

**Chapter 26**

Who wants to play play?

At the auditorium, the students were sitting in the seats, and Kakashi was onstage.

"OKAY OKAY! I know you have questions about the play I've chosen"

Everyone settled down. No one knew what the play was about, and everyone was hoping it'd be their favorite play.

"come on, please let It be the music man" thought Lee

"please, let it be my fair lady" thought Hinata

"comeeeeee on Les Miserables" thought Temari

"hmm, Phantom of the opera might be cool" thought Shino, surrounded by his hunnies

"come on, something with boobies" thought Zelos

In the front row, Haku and Gaara had their fingers crossed, saying "please be RENT, please be RENT, Please be RENT…"

"I have chosen the play………….. 'Final Fantasy"

Everyone was shocked.

"isn't that a video game?" asked Kimi

"yeah, the greatest video game series ever!"

"whats a video game?" asked Kankuro "is it like a VHS thing?"

"uh no, and sensei, which one is it? Didn't they make, like, a billion of them?" asked Sakura

"all of them, it's a huge compilation of all of the series, turned into one big happy musical, and Sakura, they've only made up to XI, XII will come out soon, but those morons over at Square hasn't releashed it here yet (October 31st, in case you care)"

The nins sat about, wondering what Kakashi was smoking.

"uh, so" asked Zelos "who gets what part?"

Kakashi pulled out a hat "pull one out"

"this in going to end badly" muttered Zelos to himself, grabbing a slip of paper from the hat

* * *

It was nighttime, the nins were already prepared and have learned their lines. All of them were backstage, and waiting for the play to start. On the other side of the stage, was the auditorium, it was huge, and could easily sit a thousand people, and seats were starting to fill up fast. Everyone wanted to see the copy ninja turn a videogame into a music. Everyone, and I mean everyone….

In the 3rd row, 2 nins In particular were looking for seats….

"hey, Orchi, wanna sit here" asked the first nin

"why, yes, Sasuke I would"

They sat down, right next to the ninja hooked up to a life support system.

"Hiiiii, who are you?" asked the terminally ill ninja "didn't you leave the village or something?"

"well, yes I did" responded Sasuke "me and Orchimaru are here to see the play"

"uh huhhhhhh, that'ssss niceeeee" said Hayate, struggling to breathe "its niceeeee to seeee other alllllternate cough, lifestyle people in the villare"

"that's right" said Orchi in his really creepy voice, putting his hand on Sasukes knee, he looked into Sasukes eyes, and his tongue snaked slightly out his mouth "hey Sasuke, you wanna do some make out paradise?"

"for the 800th time, NO! I'M NOT GAY!"

"are you sure?"

"YEAH! I AM!"

"really?"

"YES!"

Orchi looked disappointed. He took his hand off Sasukes and sat up and started to leave.

"Where are you going sensei?" asked Sasuke

"Oh, I'm just going to look for someone for a forbidden Jutsu, I'll be right back" Sasuke hoped he was talking about Ninjutsu. And not that forbidden Jutsu like between Hinata and Neji.

After Orchi left, Sasuke began to look through the program.

* * *

KONAHA THEATER PRESENTS….

FINAL FANTASY, THE MUSICAL

Directed by, Kakashi

Music by, the sound Four

Narrated by Neji

ACTORS

Naruto as Tidus (FFX)

Sakura as Tifa (FFVII)

Rock Lee as Sabin (FFVI)

Tenten as Rikku (FFX)

Kiba as Red XIII (FFVII)

Hinata as Yuna (FFX)

Shino as Auron (FFX)

Shikamaru as Zell (FFVIII)

Ino as Elena (FFVII)

Choji as Rude (FFVII)

Gaara as Vivi (FFIX)

Temari as Celes (FFVI)

Kankuro as Seifer (FFVIII)

Mog as The Moogle King

Anko as Yuffie (FFVII)

Zelos as Reno (FFVII)

Kimimaru as Kuja (FFIX)

Haku as Paine (FFX-2)

Jiraya as Baku (FFIX)

* * *

As Sasuke read the program, one thought went through his mind, its going to be a long night.

* * *

(Meanwhile Backstage….)

Kakashi was directing the Techies about the stage and what needed to be done. It was slow going, there had been an unfortunate accident earlier (Choji had eaten some of the set) and they needed to fix it.

Kakashi was sitting down, muttering to himself, when suddenly, he was approached.

"uh, excuse me, sensei?"

Kakashi looked up to find a spandex wearing muscle head.

"Hello Sabin, how may I help you?"

"Well, Firstly Sensei, my name is Lee, and I have a couple questions about your script…"

"well Sabin, The script is flawless, I based it off the whole series, what could be wrong?"

"Well, the first thing is, the play is based off the Final Fantasy series, it's a good series, but…"

"What's the problem?"

"Isn't this play a little esoteric?"

Kakashi thought to himself for a second. Esoteric, what did that mean? He decided to bluff his way through this one.

"Final Fantasy isn't a food, Sabin Lee"

Lee sighed, this guy was seriously loosing it. Lee started to walk away, he needed to get dressed for his part. As soon as he left, a red head in a black Mages outfit approached Kakashi next.

"Hey, one eyed dumbass, I have a complaint about the script" said Vivi Gaara

"what? Why does no one like my script? Whats wrong now?"

"Theres no love scene in here between Vivi (played by Gaara) and Sabin (played by Lee)"

Kakashi wondered what was going through the little red heads mind.

"uh, theyre two totally different characters, It wouldn't work"

"Just re-write it, all it should have is a kiss"

"No"

"Why the hell not? I think that it would be awesome"

"well, you see, no ones ever written Yaoi for Final Fantasy, ever, and I mean it"

Gaara tilted his head sideways slightly

"Uh, they actually have made Y-"

"And…" Continued Kakashi, cutting off Gaara "Sabin and Vivi are too different to make a good couple, it wouldn't work out"

"but…"

"and besides, if I did that, you'd have to kiss Lee, and I know your not gay, so I wouldn't force you to go through something like that.

Wow, looks like Kakashi has gotten so much into Final fantasy, he's lost track of the yaoi side story.

Kakashi got up and walked away, leaving Gaara by himself. God he was pissed off. Gaaras sand started to swarm around him in his rage. He was going to get another kiss from his love muffin no matter what. He started to think perverted little thoughts in his freaky red head, looking for the perfect plan. Suddenly, Gaara thought of an idea. He giggled to himself and left to concoct his plan.

* * *

In one of the changing rooms, Shika and Temari were getting dressed for their parts. Shika was happy for the first time in days, Temari had finally let him take off the collar for the play, and he was ecstatic about it. So much he actually did some skipping, but lost his breathe after 2 steps.

"Now remember Shika" Temari said as she was putting Zells face tattoo on Shika "I know you cheated on me with that whore, and this is only temporary"

Shika cringed

"I didn't cheat on you, you know I love you Temari, why don't you believe me?"

"cause your lying, that's why" said Temari "you should be thankful I gave you a low voltage collar"

Shika opened his mouth to argue, but there was a knock at the door. Shika walked over to see what it was. He opened it to find his girlfriends creepy little bro Gaara.

"what do you want shortstop?"

"theres been a script re-write and the director wants you to learn the new lines" Gaara said, giving Shika a paper from a stack

"uh thanks then"

Shika Closed the door and started to look over the script.

"whats been changed?" asked Temari looking over Shikas shoulder

"not much, but firstly, it says that Orchimaru is in the play, and now theres a sex scene between Sabin and Vivi"

"wow" said Temari "this just keeps getting better, this play is going to have the first Yaoi Final Fantasy scene ever!"

"uhh, never mind" muttered Shika

* * *

Neji was out in the Hallway, sullenly going about his mission assignment. He figured now would be the best chance to get those pictures of Lee, and he better move fast. As he was walking down the hall, he noticed that Zelos was kneeling outside a door, looking into the key hole and snickering.

"What are you doing you Ass?" Asked Neji in that blunt manner of his

"I'm spying on Hinata and Tenten, I heard from the moogle guy that theyre a Lesbian couple" Zelos said, not even looking up

Hmm, Tenten and Hinata thought Neji to himself, it sounded pretty hot. It was going through Nejis mind, Tenten and his cousin in a changing room, kissing and (Yuri talk, censored for the innocent). Neji started to drool and nosebleed at the same time. He skipped over to where Zelos was kneeling and started to try to push him out of the way.

"I wanna see"

"I got here first God damn it!"

"let me see you prick"

"bite me you Jack ass"

Zelos and Neji started to fight on the ground. Both Pervs trying to beat the other one senseless. After a bit of punching they started to wrestle while rolling around. As they were fighting, Orchimaru walked out of his dressing room near by. He saw the two boys fighting and started to fan himself.

"ohh, two young boys wrestling, it must be my birthday"

* * *

A little while later, the theater was a full house, and the lights suddenly were dimmed. The crowd went silent. Kakashi walked onstage, a spotlight focused on him as the audience clapped.

"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Everyone" Kakashi said bowing low "Thank you for coming out here! Tonight, I present to you the musical of the greatest thing ever, the master piece series of Square Enix, Final Fantasy"

Kakashi walked offstage and the curtains opened, The Play was starting!

* * *

Thats right, its a pretty big event. SASUKE HAS FINALLY APPEARED!

I know I said I wasnt going to put it in, I know I said I hated him, but alas, hes in. The reason I put him in is (WARNING! REALLY BORING STORY) when I was reading the Manga (about a year ago), there was a brief period where i thought he was cool. that lasted until I saw other, cooler characters, like Shino and Lee. He really started to lose his coolness, when he got his ass handed to him by a cry baby. And later, When i learned of how deep he would sink to get his revenge aganist his Brother, I really lost my respect for him. (WARNING OVER)

As for the characters and thier roles in the play, i think that i did a pretty good job choosing them. As i mentioned, Shino is the son of Auron (in theory). And they both have something in common. Neither one of them has ever starred in a yaoi. Ever. And i mean it. Seriously, no fan girl would ever put them in a yaoi, I hope...

The only character which is mismatched is Choji, who shouldve gotten the role of Quina. Seriously, they're both pigs. The thing is, I hate Quina, she was the worst part of FFIX.

Anyway, until next time, kupo kupo kupopopo! (translation, I love Oreos)


	27. Chapter 27, teh play

**Chapter 27**

Teh Play

In the dark theater, the voice of Neji narrating the play was heard.

"Our story begins on a far off land called Alexandria, which was divided into 3 separate kingdoms"

As Neji said this, the curtains were pulled back to reveal a bed sheet with a crappily drawn continent on it. The continent was labeled ALEXANDRIA in big, goofy red letters, and was divided into 3 lands.

"In the North west, lies the good kingdom of Spira, led by the hero known as the Scarlet warrior"

"to the North east, lies the land of Midgar, a nation of evil, led by the assassin group known as the turks"

"and in the south, lies the kingdom of Ivalice, led by the hero T.G Cid"

"trouble was brewing in our fair land of Alexandria, and it all involves a tale of pride, Wrath, Lust, and those other Fullmetal alchemist characters, and Oww!"

Kakashi had hit Neji on the back of his head

"read the damn script" Kakashi whispered dangerously into Neji's ear

Neji grumbled, then went back to the play.

"ow, okay sorry, I'll stick with the script" Neji Mumbled, rubbing his head "for in this land, a war would break out, a war of a terrible size, but like all the fires of war, heroes rise from the ashes, and inspire hope to all"

Suddenly, the stage lights came on and the curtains opened, and revealed the first scene.

* * *

**(Act I, scene I)**

The stage was set in a corny looking version of the city of Bevelle. The buildings were made of a cheap wood, and the bushes were made from kibas puffy coat. In the center of the stage, was FF X's dumbass hero.

Tidus Naruto was standing around doing a soliloquy.

"Oh, dattebayo, I love her, I truly truly do, but shes a summoner, can it work out?"

"how the hell would we know?" said a bothersome voice from offstage

Red XIII Kiba and Zell Shika walked onstage from the side. Kiba was painted red and walking on all fours, and doing a good job at his role.

"what? I thought you couldn't hear me, dattebayo"

"we could" said Zell Shika "anyway, why the heck are we standing around?"

"were waiting for the lady summoner, meow" said Kiba

"yeah, Dattebayo" said Naruto "I think I hear her coming now"

Suddenly, something burst from the side of the stage. It was Kankuro, with a fake slash scar across his face done with purple make up.

"prepare to die chicken wuss" he said lungeing towards Shika

Shika tripped him and knocked him to the ground. He leaned towards his ear and gave an angry whisper

"dumbass, your not supposed to appear yet! Your in the next scene!"

"I am?"

Kankuro pulled out the script and double checked, to his horror, Chicken wuss was right.

"Oh Shit! I gotta go!" Kankuro said

Kankuro shot up and ran out as fast as he could. As he did, he dropped some dolls he had hidden in his coat. The whole audience started to burst with laughter from Kankuros stupidity.

The nins onstage stood around for a bit, wondering what to do.

"uh, guys, isn't Hinata supposed to come out?" mumbled Kiba to Shika

"yeah, I think so" Shikamaru whispered back "she probably has staged fright"

"nah, she doesn't" mumbled Naruto confidently "she'll be out any second now, dattebayo"

* * *

It went on for 3 minutes. 

"what the hell is keeping Hinata?" muttered Shika to Naruto

"I don't dattebayo know, she should be out here, what could she be doing?"

* * *

**(Backstage)**

Behind the curtain, right outside the audiences view, Hinata was standing in her costume, struck with the worse case of stage fright you ever saw (Shika was right). Hinata was shaking something terrible and was sweating like crazy.

"c-c-c-calm down" she said to herself, barely able to talk right "y-y-you can do i-i-t. you were at the p-p-p-party, and you-u were no-t-t-iced"

Hinatas go-to girl was right there next to her to comfort her.

"Cheer up girlfriend" Tenten said with a grin "you'll be great! You're a really talented girl, you know that"

"y-y-you really t-t-t-think so?" said Hinata, looking at Tenten and brightening up a bit"

"You bet! Sure there's a ton of people out there, and you have one of the most important parts in the play, and if you do bad, it will make us all look bad, and if you screw up, everyone in town will know and laugh at you, not to mention that you'd look like a complete ditz in front of the guy you like, but hey, you can do it!"

Okay, maybe comfort isn't the right word.

Hinata squeaked and almost past out. She tried to escape but was stopped by Haku (who was dressed in Paines black leather outfit).

"girl, you need to listen to me" said Haku, who was talking and applying lipstick a the same time "you can do this, nevermind what Tenten said"

"but I cant" Hinata stammered, turning red "I'm not cut out for this, I'm just a shy, ugly girl"

"Hinata, your being silly, have you even thought about why you got the role of yuna?"

"uuuh, no, I never gave it much thought, I was too nervous to"

"In Final Fantasy X, Yuna was a summoner, she was a girl just like you, she had the pressure to save the world, and bring peace, even at the cost of her life. She was shy, unsure, and hard on herself. But through thick and thin, betrayal, evil, and despair, she braved them all, and saved Spira from Sin. You wanna know how she was able to do it?"

"How?" asked Hinata, brightening up to the heroic epic

"She had friends, friends who were her guardians, who stuck with her to the end, everyone here cares about you, you know that. As long as you remember this, you can do anything"

Hinata brightened up, Hakus little pep talk was working!

"And a little something you can look forward to, you see onstage" Haku said, pointing to Naruto Tidus, standing onstage, waiting for Hinata "He will stand by you, no matter what"

"you-u-u really t-t-t-hink so?" she said

"I know so, now get out there, do the best performance you can do, and get that hot blonde guy to kiss you!"

Hinata had a new look of determination in her eyes. She fixed up her costume, and walked onstage to give the performance of her life.

"Wow" said Tenten, watching Hinata from backstage "shes doing great, you did a great job Haku, and I never knew you played Final Fantasy"

Haku was putting make up on, and didn't bother to look up "I didn't, Every game has the exact same plot, so it wasn't hard to guess what to say"

"oh"

"yeah, it's a pretty basic formula for video games, the whole 'save the world' thing" Said Haku, unfazed

"well, I only play games rated adults only, so I wouldn't know. Any, do you think your pep talk will work?"

"not a clue, but I don't want her to ruin the play, its not every day I get a chance to dress up as a girl onstage, ohh, this is so exciting, I'm going to be just like angel from RENT, maybe I'll do a improv strip dance…."

Haku walked off to get his Ear rings, leaving Tenten alone, thinking that Haku was the greatest boy ever.

* * *

The play winds to its finale in the next chapter, which involves drama, romance, angst, and alot of people getting hurt. The best way for me to describe it is, let the good times roll!

Oh, and in future chapters, Akasuki returns, my favorite member of it plays a pretty big role.

Hmmm, i'm running out of things to type right here, gotta think of something, dang, what would Naruto do...

INTRODUCING, THE "DON'T BELIEVE", STORY FILLER ARC

Yup, look forward to the next 20 chapters being unfulling, time wasting crap (wait, what was it before that...)

Until next time, Believe it!

Kupo!


	28. Chapter 28, teh play, part 2

**Chapter 28**

Teh play, part 2

It was Act II in the play, and things were going badly for the actor nins. The first problem happened in scene one, when Hinata got stage fright before her entrance (it was remedied). The second problem happened in scene 2, when Kankuro burst onstage, only to find once again he wasn't up yet (bad timing, again). Things got worse when Choji began to eat more of the set, and the Techies were forced to throw Choji out (those techies hold a grudge, darn emos). The last problem happened in scene 3 when Zelos fell from the rafters while reading a dirty book up there (there are a lot of perverted nins in this fanfic). Besides those incidents, the play was coming along fine. So far in the play, Yuna Hinata and her guardians (Tidus Naruto, Zell Shika, Red Kiba, and Vivi Gaara) had traveled to the land of Ivalice on her pilgrimage. She was in the city of Murond, and was currently praying to the aeon. While she was doing that, her guardians had some down time around the city, and as they say, when the cats away, the mice will play.

They were at a local 'pub' as Final Fantasy would call it. It was the scene where they piss off everyone in the bar and start a bar fight against Sabin (the muscle head). Gaaras script called for after the fight, Lee character and Gaaras character would share an 'intimate moment'. During that scene, Vivi Gaara and Sabin Lee would (Yaoi Talk, censored for the innocent), and then they would (more Yaoi talk, and more censoring) and then they would take some whip cream and (even more censored) and then they would get Kinky, and Gaara would (Oh god I'm overusing this joke, but censored AGAIN) what the chains were for, you don't wanna know.

The inside of the pub was built rather Shabbily, there was a barkeep behind the counter and the nins were at a table. Zell Shika, Red Kiba, and Tidus Naruto were all talking in those big stage voices that you do during a play.

"OH!" shouted Tidus Naruto, doing some of the worst acting you ever saw "what are we going to do while were waiting for the lady summoner to finish praying, Dattebayo?"

"Well, you could shut the hell up" Muttered Zell Shika, wanting this lame play to be over "I hate this, its soo bothersome"

"yeah what are we going to do?" asked Red Kiba, drinking a fake liquor

"wait till Green boy shows up" Muttered Shika, sipping some fake liquor "he's supposed to come onstage, drink some of the fake liquor, start the bar fight, then we all stop fighting and break out in song"

"what song?"

"the milkshake song"

Everyone at the table shuttered, no one wanted to dance to Orchimarus theme song.

"well, you said Sabins in this scene, and here he comes, Dattebayo" Tidus Naruto pointed out

Lee stumbled onstage, blushing really funny like. He stumbled past Gaara, and fell ontop of the nins table.

"Hick hey guysss, were in a play!"

"uh, Rock Lee, whats wrong?" asked Shika "why do you smell like that Perv hermit?"

"I drank some of the (Hiccup) fake Liquor, and (hick) walked onstage"

Upon saying this Lee dropped a bottle onto the ground, it rolled over to Kiba, who was on the ground on all fours (hes a method actor).

"funny, This is supposed to be stage alcohol, but it says extra strong Sake"

Shika put his hands on his face, he didn't deserve this kinda crap.

Everyone remembered the last time Lee got drunk. He drank some of Ero-sennins Sake, thinking it was Gatorade. Rock Lee ended up wandering off and picking fights with inanimate objects (every telephone poll in Konoha was destroyed). When they found him, he was naked and handcuffed to Chocobo (you seriously don't wanna know).

Being the bad drunk Rock Lee is, he started to stumble about.

"hehehe, hey everyone! I wuvvvvvvv Sakura, I love that pink head of hers, she comes out in this play later, and she is (hiccup) hawt!" Rock Lee with a drunken giggle started to stumble to the audience

"Rock Lee, don't do it" said Kiba, running up and trying to restrain Lee "your breaking the 4th wall, do you hear me? THE FOURTH WALL!"

Rock Lee promptly swung around, and in his drunken imbalance, swung his leg while turning, effectivly kicking Kiba in the face, sending him clear into the background, completely knocking it over. The whole set collapsed revealing the back of the stage, where Zelos was "getting intimate" with Tenten. (use your freakin imagination)

Zelos and Tenten looked up to see all of konoha watching them 'in the act', they looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to what they were doing (I'm sure as hell not typing that). The crowd was rather shocked, but not as shocked as what happened next.

Iruka ran onto the stage from behind the curtain, once again, butt naked. He was carrying some root beer bottles in his arms, screaming "FREE SERBIA!" He jumped into the crowd, running through. Everyone in the crowd parted and allowed Iruka to pass (no one wants to get close to that). Following him were some ANBU ninjas chasing him, yelling for him to cease and desist.

As if things couldn't get worse, they did.

The set was destroyed, the crowd was horrified, pieces of the stage were breaking down, and Gaara decided that the play was completely hosed, and if he wanted that love scene to happen, he'd have to do it himself. Gaara ran towards Lee as fast as he could. His plan was simple, he'd tackle Lee, and start making passionate Yaoi love onstage (Zelos and Tenten were doing it, so why not?). Something Gaara didn't foresee is the fact that he had the legs of a sickly British boy. While running towards Lee, he tripped on a part of the broken set. He fell forward, his hands grabbing out for something to catch himself on. Unfortunately, it was Naruto. He fell forward, and pulled a Keitaro (he accidentally depants someone). Then, Shock and Awe happened. Naruto stood there, onstage, with everyone in Konoha staring at him without anything covering his lower half. Needless to say, something in him snapped.

"DATTE-BELIEVE IT!" He said, falling to the ground, in the fetal position, crying like a baby.

Kakashi was smashing his face against awall. Those little bastards had almost ruined Final Fantasy for him. Unfortunately, that was about to happen.

Rock Lee had noticed that Naruto was now not wearing anything, and decided to copy him. Rock Lee took off his Sabin outfit and faced the crowd. As horrifying as that was, he started giggle and began to run off the front of the stage and did a flying belly flop into the crowd. This caused Mass panic in the crowd. Needless to say, everyone in the crowd parted, except for one Particular Ninja…

"I hate myself" Said Sasuke, seconds before he was tackled by the flying naked Ninja.

WHAM!

Kakashi had started to hit his head against the wall harder. At least the audience hadn't fled the building yet. Unfortunately, he learned how lowwwww things could go.

Onstage, Shikamaru sat on the remains of the stage, drinking some stage Alcohol, thinking he should move to Hyrule. Suddenly, Hinata came onstage, not noticing the rubble.

"my guardians, I have finished praying to the aeon of this village, now we must part for…What the hell happened here?"

Absolutely all chaos in the theater stopped, and everyone looked onstage at Hinata. Had they heard correctly? Was it possible? Yes, it was…

A GIRL SWORE!

Suddenly, Every single persons ears started to bleed at the same exact time. Complete anarchy broke out and fires started as the audience started to flee/mob the place.

Hinata had no clue what was going on. And neither did Kankuro.

"hey Hinata" he said, walking onstage "am I up yet?"

* * *

**ONE BLOODY MOB SCENCE LATER**

It was a few hours later. The whole theater was abandoned. The whole crowd had started to mob the theater, and the ANBU squad was called in to disperse the crowd. The result was the whole theater had been ruined. The fires had been put out, but the seats and the stage were completely wasted. And In the darkness, a lone voice could be heard.

"Hello? Anybody? Hellllllloo! Its me!" yelled Sasuke, still stuck under the drunk, heavy, and very Nude Lee "Somebody? For the love of God help!"

No one was coming, He was all alone. When Lee had landed on Sasuke, he had completely destroyed his seat, and the seats around him, leaving Sasuke Trapped in the pile of Rubble, and the Nude Ninja. Sasuke sighed to himself. He was going to be there for a while, at least until Lee wakes up from his drunken Slumber. At least, Sasuke thought cheerily to himself things couldn't get worse (notice a pattern when people say that?). Suddenly, Lee shifted in his sleep and started to cuddle with him.

"Oh, Sakura, I love you" he said, grabbing hold of Sasuke and hugging him in a death grip

Wow, just wow.

In a little way, Sasuke was glad that this had happened. It was the first time in his life he could say he was suffering from mental trauma that wasn't caused by his older brother or Orchimaru. And beside, there was a Brightside to all of this now, Sasuke thought to himself. At least the author now would include him in future chapters…

* * *

Well, thats the end of that. The play fell flat on its ass, lots of people got hurt, and even more people didn't even make an appearance. I would've put them in, but i had a reason. The reason is simple, I was really to lazy to write a full play, but in the future, I might consider writing a story about that. 

Oh, and since I'm running out of story ideas (maybe, maybe not...) I was figuring I could have a little fan vote. I want anybody who reads this story to vote for thier favorite 2 characters in this story. Whichever two characters get the most votes will get thier own chapter in my humble Fanfic. You can just say who you want in reviews, or email it to me (you can check my email at my fanfic homepage thingie). Just remember, votes for Choji or Ino will not be counted, they will be redirected to cooler characters like Shino or Haku.

Oh, and I don't hate Kankuro, I actually make fun of him alot because its really easy. Think about it, he uses dolls in combat, and he wears purple makeup, PURPLE MAKEUP! The only man in history that could get away with wearing makeup is Kefka, for obvious reasons. But makeup and doll aside, he actually kind of makes up for that by delivering whup ass, puppet style, so he can be cool.

Kupo!


	29. Chapter 29, Hospital stay, AGAIN

**Chapter 29**

Hospital stay, AGAIN

It was the day after the ill fated performance at the theater. The thing was the biggest flop ever in the history of Konoha (well duh). Not only did the play blow chunks, it also destroyed the theater beyond repair. To make matters worse, some of the nins were injured (Kiba, Rock Lee, Naruto, Kakashi). So once again, our fair story goes back to the hospital…

In Rock Lee's room, he was once again Handcuffed to the bed, and since they hadn't repaired the damage from the last time he was there, they also bolted his bed to the ground (they really don't want another repeat of all the other times). It was bad for Rock Lee, due to the last time he was hospitalized, he had developed a fear of nurses (can you really blame him?) and he wouldn't allow any of the hospital staff to get close to him.

"Listen you little SOB" Tsunade said, trying to approach Lee "I'm not a nurse, and I'm here to help you"

"NO! LIES! I know your Gaara! REVEAL YOURSELF!" He Yelled as he threw his bedpan at her

Tsunade dodged the bedpan and sighed, she needed a smoke real bad, and she couldn't have one until she finished with this patient.

"Little Bastards cutting into my cig time" she thought to herself "Time to take things up a notch"

She had thought up a plan of action, not exactly the nicest way to do things, but fast. Tsuande walked up to Lee. Lee tried to use his free hand to punch her. She dodged and went into her demi god form. Using all her strength, she punched Rock Lee right on his Leg wound. Needless to say, this took Rock Lee down.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Rock Lee screamed, Clutching his leg with his free hand

"Quit whining" said Tsunade, looking over his chart, being completely indifferent to the pain she had just caused "thanks to you, our hospital has to get a new front door"

* * *

It had been a while since Sasuke had been in Konoha, and he had to admit, things had changed. During the show, Orchimaru had been selected to play Seymour Guado from FFX, they even gave him a costume and everything. Unforunately for Sasuke, Orchi had wandered off in the costume, to found his own corrupt religion (Yevon, again…). Sasuke shrugged to himself, Orchimaru would probably come back eventually, but until then, Sasuke had to find something to do.

During his newfound free time, Sasuke had made a list of things that had changed in his absence, have a peek.

1) Naruto had seemed to have become even more retarded

2) Choji has become a ripoff of a FullMetal Alchemist Character

3) Ino had become bitchier

4) A dog had become a medic ninja, a freakin dog!

5) Konoha was going through a moogle obsession

6) That there are WAYYYY to many Naruto Fanfics

7) Everyone in town asked him if he saw RENT

8) Everyone in town keeps giggling behind his back

Sasuke sighed, things had defiantly gotten weird. For some reason, Haku was still alive, even though he could've swore that Kakashi had run him through. And for some reason, Kimimaru also was alive, and not tailing Orchimaru. He also didn't see Season 5 of 24 when he was gone, back at Orchimarus place, they didn't own a tv. When Sasuke first got one for them, Orchi had used It for a forbidden jutsu. Orchimarus place didn't even have a freakin phone. Orchi hated phones because every time he tried using one, he heard a voice coming out of the phone. Sasuke sighed, how could such an powerful ninja be so freakin stupid at the same time?

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, the staff was having problems with another patient. One of the nins that had been in the play had suffered from a mental breakdown, and had passed out. When he awoke, for a strange reason, he couldn't speak English. The doctors were having a hard time figuring out what he was saying.

"Estoy Hablando Espanol! Creelo!" said Naruto, annoyed at the doctors

"it could be French" said one of the medic nins

"nah, it has to be german"

"Estoy Hablando Espanol! Creelo!" Naruto said again

"sounds like Korean" said Sakura, looking at Naruto, trying to reason with what he was saying

"nah" said Kakashi, dismissing what Sakura said "its obviously Finnish"

"Estoy Hablando Espanol! Creelo!" said Naruto, visibly getting pissed off

"I know what it is!" said Jiraya, catching everyones attention "Its obvious that Naruto here" he said, walking up to him and putting his hand on his shoulder "is speaking Italian!"

* * *

Sasuke had stopped by Mr. Ramen's shop to get a cup-o-noodles for himself. He sat outside of the shop, eating the noodles, and wondering to himself if Itachi could be near. Suddenly, something hit Sasuke from behind, almost causing him to throw the boiling hot noodle cup up in the air.

"THERE YOU ARE SHIKA! PREPARE TO BE LEASHED"

Sasuke turned around to find Temari, holding up a rather freaky dog collar, with a look of insane anger in her eyes.

"Shit, your not him" she said, calming down "have you seen my boyfriend? He snuck out after the play and I didn't get a chance to put his collar back on"

"uh, no, I didn't" replied Sasuke, relieved that she was going to kill him, but wondering what the hell the dog collar was for "uhh, Temari, about the collar, do you and Shika have some kind of freaky sex life or something?"

"No you perv, he cheated on me with the weapon hor, and now and I can't let him out of my sight"

Disturbing…..

"so, you've got Shika whipped like a dog?"

"you know it"

Wow, Sasuke shook his head. There was nothing sadder to him when a guys GF openly admits she has her boyfriend whipped.

"well in any case, you don't seem to be doing a good job at that" Sasuke replied sarcastically

"are you insulting me"

At this point, Sasuke made a tactical error. He had spent so much time away from Konoha, he forgot what a raving bitch Temari could be.

"yes, I am" he replied

"oh, you son of a bitch, I'll get you for that!" Temari said, with a look of bloodlust in her eyes" she jumped over the table and started to move in to attack Sasuke.

Sasuke backed up, trying to get out of her reach, shit, she was freakin crazy, he needed an escape, but how?

"how dare you insult me you fruity ninja! I'll kil… AAAAAA!"

Using his ninja instincts, and the first thing that came to his mind, Sasuke threw the boiling contents of the ramen cup into Temaris face. Needless to say, that's gotta hurt.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" Temari began to scream, running around, trying to get it off

Being the crafty Ninja Sasuke is, he used this opportunity to escape, leaving Temari to deal with her 1st degree burns.

Nearby, Zelos was surrounded by his usual horde of hunnies, all fawning over him. He heard Temaris screaming and turned around, to see her off in the distance, soaking wet, running around, and screaming.

"hey, a wet T-shirt contest!"

* * *

The realationship between Shikamaru and Temari in this fanfic is partially based off of the relasionship between me and my GF. Seriously, I have alot in common with Shika. Both our GF's have us whipped, and they also scare the crap out of us. Its pretty sad, how much i've become like Shika (lazy-ish). It just ticks me off when my GF keeps bringing it up though all the time, seriously, thats annoying. Oh crap, I hope shes not reading this now...I'm screwed

Anyway, the Fanfic for the fans chapter is not going to be for a while, I wanna give more people time before the winners are chosen. Secondly, looking at the votes that have been casted so far, I've gotta say, anyone who voted for Shikamaru or Shino, you earn a gold star. To those who voted for hinata or Neji, I had no idea incest jokes were so funny. Oh, and to those who voted for Kanky, couldja explain to me his unnatural obsession with makeup?

In the next chapter, It'll be the 30th chapter, and it will feature a special something, the "Don't believe it, reject corner". Find out which characters from Naruto werent cool enough to make it into this sub-par fanfic!

remember to keep sending votes for your favorite characters!

And until next time, Believe it!


	30. Chapter 30, Akasuki Again

**Chapter 30**

Akasuki again

Hmm, we haven't seen much of akasuki recently, lets see what their up to…..

It was at Akasuki manor, in the middle of the night. They were holding an emergency meeting to talk about future membership of a Akasuki wannabe, Tobi. They were in the super special meeting room, with the tall funny looking chairs that Organization XIII uses, you know, the white chairs that are 30 ft tall, that look really really silly. They were all arguing with each other about what to do. Each member had different views on the issue. Some wanted to kill the punk, others just wanted to badly cripple him.

"I think that the little punk needs to scram" said Kisame, in chair IV "He's a huge waste of space"

"Nahh, you should give him a chance" said Itachi, in chair VII "you guys gave me a chance, and I'm friggen blind"

"Dude, Itachi, get rid of that damn gun!" yelled Deidra

"NO!" he responded, clutching the gun "its my, my, precious….."

"well, I do agree we need a new member" Zetsu suggested "But can we get a chick? Seriously, even the TURKS had a chick"

"Not that crap again" Kisame whined "the author already touched on that in Chapter 17…"

Everyone had no idea what Kisame was talking about. They assumed that he was drunk again.

"Anyway" Sasori said "I say we just kill the bastard, or I can turn him into a puppet"

"No, don't kill him, I might need a sidekick for when I become a blind cop, like that TV show."

"Uh, Itachi, sorry to burst your bubble, but that show got canceled" said Kisame

"What! NOOOOO!" he yelled

Everyone started to bicker with each other, but was interrupted by da boss.

"SILENCE" said the Leader, Unlike the other Akasuki members, he had a censor mark over his face so you couldn't see who he was (the author had no idea what he looked like, so this was the best he could do) "We do not need a new member for Akasuki, we are still trying to kill Orchimaru for betraying us and Deidra"

Ahh, yes, the breakup, Deidra dated Orchimaru for a while, their relationship got serious and Deidra helped Orchimaru get in Akasuki. As soon as Orchi got what he wanted, he ran off with Kabuto, leaving Deidra heartbroken. Deidra spent the weekend crying in his room, eating ice cream and listening to Rascal flats. Obviously, Boss remembered that he just brought up a sore subject.

"Okayyyy" he said, trying to change the subject "I've got an idea on how to get rid of him, lets say that to join, he has to go through a series of tasks assigned to us that are impossible to do, that'll get rid of him"

Everyone agreed to this idea, it was the best way to get rid of the little bastard.

"Everyone think of a task and write it down, if he asks why, we'll say its hazing"

"wait a second, hold it" said Zetsu "if you want everyone from Akasuki to vote, shouldn't we wait for kakuzu and Hidan? They're in Akasuki too"

"they are, yes, but to be quite honest, I hate those bastards" he responded

"are you still upset that Hidan didn't invite you to his birthday party?"

"yes!" the leader said, acting indignant "the party had everything! Ice cream, karaoke, pony rides, a moon bounce, and he didn't invite me!"

Wow, who would've thought that the leader of a league of ultimate assassins could be such a wuss.

* * *

**(Teh next day)**

Haku was sitting on a park bench listening to the soundtrack to RENT, when an Orange masked Ninja walked by him.

"why good afternoon Mr. Tobi!" He said in his usual cheery mood "what are you doing on this fine day?"

Tobi just sighed and sat down next to him "I'm having a rough day"

"Oh, I see, well, what can I do to help you?"

"Nothing" he said Gloomily, walking away

As he walked away, Haku put his head phones on and continued listening. Suddenly, Tobi came running back, waving something in the air.

"Hey, wait, Little Fruity kid! There is something you can help me with!"

"Oh, okay, well, what is it?" Said Haku, putting down the CD player

"You see, I want to join Akasuki, but they've got this hazing ritual, where the prospective member has to do tasks assigned by existing memebers"

"Uh huh"

"So look at this list that they gave me"

Tobi handed over the piece of Paper to Haku. It was a long scroll, with a bunch of tasks assigned to him.

* * *

The first Item on the list was from Deidra, in neat, small handwriting.

1) Find if there's a connection between Sergeant Pepper from the song, and Dr Pepper, the drink

* * *

"wow, I never even thought about that" said Haku

"well, yeah, and it gets worse"

* * *

The next item was by Kisame, in coarse rough handwriting.

2) Find Mr. Goodbar

* * *

"man, that's cruel"

"I Know, it is…"

* * *

The next was Zetsu, in wavy handwriting

3) Make a remake of The lord of the rings, with Moogles as the good guys, and Squirrels as Orcs

* * *

"hehe, you know, I'd like to see that"

"easy for you to say, I need to put that together"

"well, alright, whats the next one?"

"read on"

* * *

The next one was Itachi, in barely readable handwriting (he is blind after all)

4) Get the next Final Fantasy game, and reprogram it so all characters are moogles

* * *

"is it just me, or does Konoha have some kind of obsession with Moogles?"

"I don't know" responded Tobi, shaking his head "must be something were overlooking, anyway, the next one is even worse than that one"

* * *

The next was Sasori, with the cruelest task yet on the list

5) Go on a date with Ino, and find out why everyone hates her

* * *

"Oooooooooooooo" said Haku, whincing

"yeah, theyre purposely trying to oust me, the last one is proof"

"Is the last one that bad?"

"Ohhhhh yeah, seriously, its awful, its like Mission Impossible times ten"

* * *

Haku gulped and looked at the final one. It was written by the Akasuki Leader, in very formal handwriting.

6) get an advance copy of the next Harry Potter book

* * *

Upon reading this, Haku almost fell over.

"That is the cruelest thing I've seen before in my life"

"I Know, its undeniable proof that they don't want me to join"

"you poor poor person" said Haku, putting his hand on Tobis shoulder "what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, I just don't know, this is impossible" Tobi looked pretty darn miserable. Actually, not that miserable cause you couldn't see his face, but his body language spelled miserable. Haku decided to throw him a bone.

"You know what? Its not!" said Haku, standing up "I'm going to help you join akasuki!"

"really? You'll help me?"

"you bet! It'll be like a road trip! This'll be tons of fun"

Tobi cheered up, he was grateful that someone in the village was there to help him.

"Okay! Sounds like fun, lets get going right now"

Tobi got up to hit the road, but Haku stopped him.

"wait, were going to need help on this one, lots of help…."

"what do you mean?" asked Tobi, unsure what Haku meant

Haku stepped onto the bench and then started to make a really weird noise.

"KUPO! KUPO! KUPOPO KU!"

Then he got down, and walked up to Tobi with a smile on his face.

"what the hell was that?" asked Tobi, puzzled at what Haku just did

"wait, for it…."

"but…"

"wait for it……..now"

Suddenly, from the shrubbery, moogles started to appear by the dozens. There were tons of them, all sorts of shapes and colors. All of them were going 'kupo!' at random moments. The scene was so cute that you just wanted to glomp each and everyone of those little guys. Which Haku did. After glomping the last one, he went up to Tobi to explain.

"were going to need all the help we can get, and now" he said, looking down the road "life is a highway, lets get going" and thus, Haku set off, with the group of moogles following, Leaving Tobi behind, wondering if this was a good idea.

* * *

Yeah...I know no one probably liked that thing with Deidra and Orchimaru, but its there, and anyway, Thats right, Haku and Tobi, out in the world all by themselves. They're not going to appear in this fanfic for a while, but they will be getting thier own Mini series, as soon as i find the motivation to write it...Be sure to look out for, DONT BELIEVE IT! THE MINI SERIES!

The next chapter is a real special one, its the Halloween special chapter!!! I'm still in the process of writing it, and its probably the longest chapter yet, and maybe even better than the Ying yang Parties... and the next chapter after that is the special fan fic for fans chapter, so a reminder, EVERYONE, CAST YOUR TWO VOTES FOR YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS!!!

Oh, I mentioned this too, the **special reject part**

**Reject 1**) Asuma, the cigarette guy, I never really thought of anything to make fun of him with, so he stays in the reject corner

**Reject 2**) Ebisu, the pervy teacher guy, what a pompous asshole

** Reject 3**) Konohamaru, who the hell is Konohamaru?

** Reject 4**) Might/Mighty Guy/Gai, I like this guy, but if I put him in, I'd be a little too inclined to put in some gay jokes with Lee, and we all know that Lee is a little preoccupied with those

**Reject 5**) Rin/Obito, The guys that Kakashi used to hang out with, they might show up later, maybe, I think...

Wow, that dragged on kinda long, well, WHOO! 30 Chapters!!! Thanks to all 3 people who have read this thing!

And until next time... Believe it!


	31. Chapter 31, Ninja Halloween fun time

**Chapter 31**

Ninja Halloween time

It was already fall in the village hidden in leaves. The leaves were turning brown, the crisp air of autumn was in the air, and Haku and Tobi were still gone on their quest. Everyone in the village assumed that Akasuki had given Tobi the shaft (no one loves Tobi...), but they were concerned about the fate of Haku. While many were troubled with that, it was only a minor worry, because of the fast approaching event of Halloween was coming. Throughout the village, people were putting up decorations of witchs (Kiba burned them at the stake), Mummies (Kankuro kidnapped them for his doll collection) and the classic jack o lanturns (Zelos and Naruto went to town on those). It was Halloween night, and our ninja antagonists were gathering at the park bench to do some trick or treating. It was already 4, and due to the really lame rules of ANBU, the nins could only trick or treat to 7 p.m., so all the nins wanted to haul in as much free stuff as possible.

In case your wondering, the ninja teachers were all at an all adults Halloween party, purposely not inviting the genins to it.

Anyway, the first people to arrive at the square were Shino, Kiba, and Hinata. Shino was dressed in a red coat like thing with a huge ass katana (his Auron costume from the play), Kiba was dressed in a big moogle oufit (his moogle was with him, dressed as a jedi), Hinata was in a classic witches outfit. They were all standing around, waiting for the other genin to show up.

"dude, where is everyone? We have to hurry, free candy" Kiba said, drooling at the thought of free candy

"they'll get here when they get here" said Shino, looking even more badass then usual "just so you guys know, I'm going to ditch you guys half way through this thing, I'm going to a party with my flock of hunnies"

"uh, Shino, uh" said Hinata, blushing like crazy "do, I, uh, (blush blush) look good?"

"you look fine" said Shino uncaringly "Hinata, I know you want Naruto to notice you, but I have news to break to you, Naruto is to freakin stupid to realize you like him"

Hinata made a very funny noise that sounded something between a squeak and a yelp.

"and now that hes stuck in his Spanish dub, you wouldn't understand him even if he said he liked you"

Hinata made that funny yelp again.

Shino was going to continue, but team guy's genins showed up. Tenten was dressed in what looked like a kitty costume. She had fake whiskers and cat ears on, complete with furry short shorts with a tail on the back. She even had furry paw gloves on. She made a very cute cat, but unfortunately, her costume was missing its midsection, leaving Tentens "feminine wiles" to hang free in the air. Neji was dressed up like Bono from U2, complete with greasy hair and yellow sunglasses. Rock Lee was dressed up as Link, from the legend of Zelda (it wasn't a big improvement, he went from green to green).

"heya Hinata!" Tenten said, greeting her friend "whats up"

Tenten threw her arm around Hinata, who tried to get away from Tentens, umm, assets.

"uh, hi" she said, in a almost unintelligible whisper

"ah, Shino, you went as a member of the trench coat mafia" said Rock Lee, clueless

"no, you dress wearing dumbass, I'm Auron, the scarlet badass, and what the hell are you supposed to be" he responded, pointing at Lee's getup

"It's a tunic, ain't it awesome" said Lee "I'm Link, Hero of time" Lee did a low bow, and went back up "this costume is awesome, its just like Links" As Lee said that, he spun around

Unfortunately, Lees costumes wasn't quite like Links. You see, Link wears pants under his kilt thingie, Lee forgot that part. So when Lee spun around, the kilt when up, and he effectively flashed everyone there.

"AAAAA!" Shino and Kiba screamed at the same time, and shielded their eyes. Hinta made another squeaking noise and turned red, Tenten Giggled and reminded her she needed to spend more time with Lee (you can guess why.

The little horror scene was averted by the arrival of team Asuma. Shikamaru showed up in a orange Spartan uniform (from HALO), and Choji was dressed as the king of town (from Homestarrunner). Ino wasn't there, the Genin had purposely had given her the wrong place to meet because no one liked her (they told her to meet in a sewer near the school).

"the coast is toast!" said Choji, eating from a bag of salt "lets get moving! FREE CANDY!!!!"

Most of the male genin had finished throwing up from Rock Lee's little 'exhibition', had turned their attention to Shikamaru…

"dude" said Neji, looking at Shikas armor "whats with the yellow armor? You look kinda fruity"

"its not Yellow!" said Shikia indignantly "its orange, I'm supposed to be Grif from red vs. Blue!"

"why Grif? I think youd make a very good Caboose" said Kiba

"Kiba, what the hell are you supposed to be?" asked Shika, trying to divert attention away from himself

"I'm a moogle! Kupo!" he said cheerily

"whats a moogle? Can I eat it?" responded Choji, with a look of hunger in his eyes

Suddenly, the remaining Genin's showed up. Zelos was decked out as the phantom of the opera, Sakura was dressed up as Sami from advance wars, Naruto was dressed up as a ghost (Charlie Brown style), Kankuro was dressed as a Kabuki theater actor (what else?), Temari was dressed as a mummy (she still has bandages covering her burn wounds on her face), Kimmimaru was dressed as a skeleton (bad pun), and Gaara was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.

"yo! Everyone! I am the most DEAD SEXY person in Konoha" said Zelos

Everyone at this point had learned to ignore everything that Zelos said, except Tenten

"No, I am!" shouted Tenten Cheerily, leaping from Hinata to tackle/hug Zelos

"hey funny haired chick and, WHOA! Are you not wearing a top?!?"

"yup, no top" she responded

Zelos suddenly realized Tenten was the coolest chick ever.

"Okay everyone" yelled Temari in that loud, demanding, bitchy voice of hers "Were going to start trick or treating, anyone who falls behind, gets left behind, and further more, Shika is going back on the leash" she yelled, pointing at Shika

"Shit" said Shika, cringing at her shriek

"anyone who helps him out, will get tied to a chair, and forced to watch the alternate ending to the movie RENT" she said, pulling out her big ass fan

Wow, Temari is one cruel crazy chick, no man there would dare risk helping Shika now, after all, that was one deadly punishment.

"hey, how bout instead of the rent thing, you just tie me to a chair?" said Zelos

Man, Zelos would do anything to have sex

"okay, I'm going to break this tension and suggest we start now" said Lee, trying to move forward

"FREE CANDY!!!" yelled Choji, charging at the closest house

Everyone started to follow suit, after all, the night was young, and so were they.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Party**

At Tsunades pad, she was holding an all adult Halloween party. Lots of the older, jonin level nins attended. The party was going pretty well, except pretty much the only refreshments served were alcoholic (18 different types, Tsunade has a problem). But besides that, the nins were mixing at the party pretty well.

"so yeah, I quit that god forsaken job teaching" said Genma, talking to Hayate "those little bastards were annoying, especially that blonde dumbass one"

"cough, cough, weez" said Hayate, who had gotten much sicker then before "That's, cough, nice, and, cough, I think I just started to bleed internally"

Genma sighed, and pushed the teminally Ill Ninja aside, causing Hayate to fall over, and break a few bones.

Elsewhere at the party, Anko was trying to convince Kakashi to 'do some Halloween funtime'.

"Come onnnn, it'll be great, you me, and some handcuffs, it will be amazing" she pouted

"uhhhh, no" said Kakashi, who was reading Final Fantasy, ultimate Yuri tactics "I'd rather not"

"come onnn, can't you at least say why you don't want to come with me?"

"because, you see" said Kakashi, looking up from his book "The truth is, I am in love…"

Anko was shocked, Kakashi wasn't seeing anybody, was he? Anko had spent the last few weeks stalking him and stealing his socks, and she had never seen any kind of indication of love (don't ask what happened to the socks).

"what happened was, I was in love, with a woman, she was a princess, of a far away land, one day, she feared her mother had become evil, and with my help, I kidnapped her to save her" Kakashi said, with a saddened, far-off look in his eye, as if to recall painful memories "I brought her to her uncles kingdom, but she ran away, I was too protective of her, and she needed to solve her problems on her own"

Kakashi stopped for a second, as if to start to cry himself, it looked like he was about to stop, but continued….

"after her mother destroyed a kingdom, using a power she extracted from her own daughter, she sentenced her own daughter to death. I saved her, and then we attempted to stop the evil man who had caused her mother to turn power hungry and evil. In the end, my loves mother died, we defeated the evil man, and she became queen of her kingdom…"

Once again, Kakashi stopped, indicating that he was emotionally stricken, but once again, continued…

"Once she became queen, we lived in different worlds, and we could no..longer… be…together" he said, starting to cry "and….even….though….I….L….Love… her, we were never meant to be"

Anko was crying. It was too much to bear, she never realized Kakashi had lived all these years with such a burden, such pain. Anko knew that even if they were together, Kakashi would never lover her the same way he loved that girl. It left anko, heart broken…

"I'm, sorry Kakashi, I didn't know"

"Its okay" said Kakashi, trying to fight back tears "you didn't know"

Anko excused herself from the room, crying on her way out. After she left, Hayate (still on the floor), crawled over to Kakashi.

"cough, cough, Mr. Kakashi, I listened to your story, cough cough, and I noticed some startling similarities between it and Final Fantasy IX, cough cough"

"wow, you picked that up" said Kakashi, going back to his book "I was just pulling stuff out of my ass when I said that, so I went with the Zidane and Garnet relationship, I just can't believe she bought it"

"you know, cough cough" hayate went, coughing up some blood as he said it "you're a pretty disgusting person"

"Yea, I know…."

* * *

**THE GENINS**

The nins had already started to Trick-or-treat, and so far the going was pretty good. Most of the houses up to the point that they were at mostly gave out the good stuff, Snickers, Twix, baby ruth, you know. So far, two houses had given out toothbrushes, and the genins had laid waste to their front lawns (eggs, Toilet paper, and Choji had taken a bite out of their front door). Besides that one incident with the toothpaste, trick or treatin had been going pretty well. Currently, the genin had reached ero-sennins house…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!! The door went as Kiba knocked on the house. There was no answer from the inside. From the outside, the ninja trick-or-treaters could see a light from the inside, There definetly was someone home, but they weren't answering the door. Kiba decided to knock again. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! No answer again. This time, the ninjas got pissed…

"Come on! We want Candy!" yelled Rock Lee at the house

"Quieremos Candy! Creelo!" said Naruto in a whiney voice

"we know your in there you pervert! Open up!" yelled Sakura, in that crazy way that scares the crap out of everyone around her!"

"Yeah, shes right, OPEN UP YOU OLD BASTARD!" yelled Zelos at the house

"wait, wait" Neji said, stepping forward, motioning everyone to stand behind him "I know ero-sennin, and I know how he thinks, theres only one thing I can say that will get him out…"

Neji stopped and closed his eyes, and went into his battle stance. He stood there with a look of extreme concentration on his face, and suddenly, he yelled

"SATIN PANTIES!" Neji yelled

Suddenly, with lighting speed, the door swung open, Jiraya was at the door, frantically searching for said object.

"where are they, panties, where are youuuuuu!" he said, looking left to right

"trick or treat!" said the Ninjas as they held out their bags, hoping for candy

"what, trick or treaters? You little bastards tricked me into coming out here? Why should I give you punks anything?" he said, Mad that theyre were no panites involved

"well, its called Trick or treating, so we decided to do both, you old hack" said Temari

Jiraya grumbled "you're the bondage chick that has her boyfriend whipped like a pig, right?"

"you bet"

Upon hearing that, Shika squirmed, did everyone know that his girlfriend had him whipped? (I know the feeling)

"Anyway" Jiraya continued "You guys obviously won't leave until I get you something, just a second" he said, going inside to look for something. A minute later, he came back, and started to put stuff into everyones bags.

"here you go, now go to hell kids" he said, closing the door "I'm going back to my porn…"

After receiving their stuff, all the ninjas assembled into a circle to compare what they got.

"lets see" said Gaara, digging into his bag, "I got a pack of cigarettes"

"I got a bottle of sake" said Sakura

"I got some balloons" said Hinata, looking at a package of condoms

"uh, I'll teach you what those are later" said Tenten, taking them away from her

"I got a playboy" said Rock Lee

"I got a porn novel" said Kankuro

"yo tuvo un rock" said Naruto

* * *

**THE PARTY**

Its not quite a Halloween party without a couple of games, and guess what? Tsunade had a few games planned. Besides playing quarters, and bobbing for beer, she had a fun game of charades set up. Right now, Deidra was up, and Kisame, Hayate, and Itachi were guessing what he was doing. Deidra was trying to act out a movie scene (I am your Father!) and the nins were doing bad. So far, Kisame was having no luck guessing, Hayate went into Cardiac arrest (3 time today) and Itachi's blind (big disadvantage in charades). Currently, Deidra was had a hand in front of his face, and his other hand was going around in a circular motion.

"your fishing! Walking? Running? Are you hungry? Cold?" guessed Kisame , totally unsure of the game "you know, this would be much easier if you told me!"

"What the hell is he doing?" asked Itachi, getting annoyed at Kisasme

"hes just spinning his hand around, is it a internet?"

"hes talking about a freakin Movie" said Itachi

Deidra started to mime a lightsabre duel.

"your strangling ducks, no wait…..your shaking maracas, no, it's a fish!" Kisame continued

"it's a sword fight" said Itachi

Deidra started to mime his arm falling off

"oh, oh! Your using a jutsu! Is it Chidori? Rasengan? Lighting blade? A thousand years of pain? Arm jutsu thingie?"

"he got his arm cut off" said Itachi "hes miming Luke getting his arm cut off, from the empire strikes back"

DING DING! With that, Itachis team won the game. No one at the party saw that one coming.

"you know" said Deidra, finally talking again, "you think the blind guy would have problems with this game"

Everyone in the room started to laugh at Deidras joke. Except for Itachi, who got angry at this little stab at him.

"just cause I'm blind doesn't mean I'm stupid!" said Itachi indignantly "I am sick and tired of people thinking im weak and stupid and ineffective! I am a person, who deserves respect! I have a disability, you people should be ashamed, I have a disability, and I have to live with it every day! And you people laugh, and say your jokes, you disgust me, every single one of you…"

Everyone in the room quited down. Itachi was right, each of them had made a joke at Itachis expense, they all started to wonder what they found funny about it in the first place.

"now if you will excuse me, I need to use the restroom" said Itachi

With that, Itachi got up, and started to walk to the restroom. However, he turned in the wrong direction and walked up to the CD player. With this, Itachi unzipped his pants, and proceeded to urinate on it. This not only grossed out the entire crowd, it also permanently ruined all of Itachis credibility for the rest of his life.

Meanwhile, in the center of the room, Hayate was collapsed on the ground, still in cardiac arrest.

"hey, guys! No big deal, I'm, uhh, just dying over here, no big deal" he coughed out, then stopped talking and moving

Everyone ignored him and went back to the party.

* * *

**The Genins**

At this point in time, the Genins had hit a crapload of houses in konoha. They had gotten a respectable amount of Candy already, and the night was only half way through. So far, Naruto and Zelos had Tped all the houses that gave out apples, destroyed the mailboxes of those who gave out toothpaste, and used thousand years of pain on those who dared to give out veggie bars…

Anyway, they had stopped at a very creepy looking house at the edge of Sennin street. The house looked like a creepy old mansion, and even had lightning in the background. Anyway, there was a sign out in front of the house that said 'Lots of Candy for strapping young boys, no chicks", when you see a sign like that, you usually avoid it like the plague, but when theirs candy involved, you want to tempt fate…

"come on!" said Neji, walking towards the house "its free candy!"

"uhh, I'm getting a weird vibe from this" said Kankuro, edging away from the house, "like the time before I stuck my finger in a electrical socket"

"uh, what does it mean by no Chicks?" asked Hinata, looking at the sign "is he allergic to chickens or something?"

"No silly!" said Tenten "its means the person in this house doesn't want anyone with boobs or a (censored) to go in"

"you know, your incredibly forward" said Zelos "and in regards to that house, I think we should avoid it, I'm getting the same vibes from it that I got from Yggdrasil, and Kratos, and even that Regal guy, seriously dude, that guy was into the handcuffs a little too much…"

Once again, everyone ignored Zelos

"you guys do what you want, I'm going to a party" said Shino, walking away

"good idea, I'll follow" said Zelos, trailing after Shino

"you guys are missing out on lots of candy" said Lee, the definition of a strapping young boy "Nothing ventured nothing gained!"

"CANDY!!!!" yelled Choji in a insane rage "CAN I EAT IT?" he yelled, running up to the house.

The other nins, forsaking common sense, and most stranger awareness programs, walked up to the creepy house and Rang the bell. They heard a strange slithery noise from the inside, and suddenly, the door opened, revealing a pure white skinned man, with slitted nostrils, greasy long black hair, and a long snake like tongue…. The nins were almost too scared to say trick or treat, but they still did.

"Trick or TREAT" they yelled out loud

"well well well, hello boyssssssssssss" he said, staring at Naruto, then to Gaara, then Neji "it musssssssst be my birthday…."

Wow, talk about your nightmares

"well, I ssssssseee you brought ssssssome, girlssssss" he said, with a look of distaste "ewwwwwww"

"listen, you creepy old snake" said Temari, stepping forward "give us some f&ing candy, or we'll egg you house to next Tuesday!!"

"threatsss wont workssssss on meeeee" he said, scanning more of the genins. He looked from Hinata, to topless Tenten, and moved his attention to the dumbass in the moogle outfit, then to the moogle jedi on his shoulder (the Moogle Jedi promptly gave him the bird). He than looked down to Lee, and his short kilt/dress thing…

"ohhhhhh" he said, fanning himself, "it must be my birthday…"

"can we have some candy?" asked Lee, holding out his bag

"ohh, sure, here" Orchimaru pulled out a bowl, and started to put treats in all off their bags. He also slipped his phone number into Rock Lees bag. This act was noticed by Gaara, who promptly went into a fit of rage. No one was going to hit on his wuv muffin, even if they were a creepy pedofile.

The genins started to walk away, and started to compare their goods on the go.

"What did you get?" asked Kankuro, looking through his bag "he gave me a PS3"

"I got 500 bucks" said Kiba

"I got an Ipod" said Shika

"uh, I got an apple with a razor blade in it" said Hinata

"Jar of Rat poison" said Tenten

"uhh, he gave me a bowl of Chili with a finger in it" said Sakura

"the bastard gave me a Michael Jackson CD!" said Temari

"yo Tuvo un Rock" said Naruto

Suddenly all the nins we hit by a huge shock, and a loud noise, and everyone hit the ground. They turned around, only to see Gaara, standing alone, in the sand crator that was Orchis house 10 seconds earlier.

"he hit on my wuv muffin" he said, uncaring

Everyone remembered not to piss off Gaara. Lee wondered what the hell he meant by 'wuv muffin'

* * *

**The Party**

Things at Tsunades party hadn't really picked up much. Hayate recovered from the cardiac arrest, only to be stuck with Lung cancer, Tuberculosis, and indigestion all at once. The Stereo system was completely wasted from Itachi, and could only play the backstreet boys over and over again (haunted house horrible). The worst part was that some weird Red headed kid had crashed the party and Kept yelling out 'DEAD SEXY!' at every possible opportunity.

Nonetheless, things continued, and the next Halloween game was started.

"Okay everyone" said Tsunade, who seemed rather upset that she was sobering up "were going to play, bobbing for apples, now, I'm pretty sure all of you dumbasses can figure out what to do" She said, leaving to go get some more booze.

The first person up was Zetsu, who looked at the tub full of water, with a few apples in it

"So, you said that their apples, right?"

"Glug, glug, uh yeah" said Tsuande, in the middle of a bottle of Tequila "its called Bobbing for apples, you inbred flower"

"darn, they're not bodies" said Zetsu sadly, walking away

Itachi stepped up to the plate next

"time to get me an apple!" said Itachi

Itachi bent down to bite an apple, unfortunately, he missed, fell over, and ended up taking a bite out of Hayate

"Owwww! That freakin cough cough" said Hayate

In the corner, Shino sighed, trick or treating was lame, and this party was even lamer, he knew he should've gone to Yoh Askuras party. But alas, he chose this party. Shino started to scan the crowd for possible booty, and bam, he saw it. On the other side of the room. Shizune, the hot attendant to the well endowed Tsunade. She was perfect, but, the problem was that she was talking to that assfer Zelos. Shino thought of a plan, once he got it, he walked over to play it out.

"so yeah, in the chosen, I'm an Angel, doncha know…"

"hey, Zelos" said Shino interrupting Zelos "behind you Sakura and Tsunade are getting naked…"

"what? No way, yeah right!" said Zelos, not buying it

"oh, hey look, now Sakura and Tsuande are making out! Ooo, looks like theres tongue involved…" Shino continued

"oh Sweet lady freedom! That's great!" Zelos turned around, searching for the make out paradise, but saw none "hey, what the hell are you talking abo…ARRGH!"

Shino Taijutsued Zelos in the back of the head, sending him clear out the window, Keitaro style. Everyone at the party was rather shocked at first, but then started to laugh and got more drinks.

"So anyway" said Shino, turning towards Shizune "wanna go back to my place?"

* * *

**The Genins**

The night for the trick or treaters was coming to a close. With Zelos and Shino gone, the numbers had slimmed down a bit. Not to mention that Choji started to chase after Kiba's moogle, yelling Mog-ka-bob, with Kiba running after yelling "LITTLE BUDDY!". Also, Naruto had run off, no one knew where, but he kept screaming 'me gusta ramen' so it wasn't hard to guess. Kankuro had left to steal some of the Halloween lawn ornaments people had left out. Shika tried to escape Temari, was caught, and Temari started to drag him home, muttering something about re-enacting SAW with Shika (Shika was yelling 'help me!' the entire time) And finally, Tenten and Hinata had decided to go back to their house for a movie (Tenten suggested one of her favorite XXX movies). This only left Sakura, Kimimaru, Lee, and Gaara, and Neji. Lee was starting to want to leave, Gaara kept trying to use it to lift his kilt, and sneak a peek. Since Lee hadn't caught on as Gaara's true feelings, he assumed Gaara was doing this to embarrass him in front of Sakura.

Kimimaru wasn't helping either.

"hey everybody! I've got a boner!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" everyone yelled, clearly getting pissed off

"aww, what about the bag of bones…."

"to be honest, your not funny, not one bit." Said Sakura

Suddenly, they could see something flying through the sky. It was redish, and coming in fast.

"what the hell is that?" yelled Gaara

"it's a bird!" yelled Neji

"it's a plane" yelled Sakura

"its Ganondorf!" yelled Lee, raising the master sword "I killed you darn it!"

The flying object hit the ground of a nearby house, skidded, and then went flying into a pile of moldy pumpkins, splattering Lee with pumpkin Juice.

"aww, nasty! Disgusting!" Said Lee, stinking of pumpkin "Link never had to deal with this stuff…"

"what the hell was that?" asked Kimi

Neji walked over and pulled the ex-airborne object out of the pile. As it turns out, the object was Zelos.

"dude, a little advice, never trust that bug bastard again" said Zelos, sadly "I almost got me some older lady tonight…"

Once again, everyone ignored Zelos.

"ohh, gross, thanks Jerk, now I've gotta wash this crap off me" said Lee "I'm heading home"

Lee turned and started to leave, but Sakura ran up, and put her hand on his shoulder.

"uh, Lee" said Sakura "I was wondering, would you like to go see the beautiful Halloween moon with me? Ontop the kage Mountain?"

"NO!" he said Angrily "I'm sorry Sakura, but I've gotta get home and wash this crap off me!"

Lee ran off, leaving Sakura alone, felling rejected.

"ha ha, you got RE-JECT-ED" yelled Zelos

Zelos barely got out of the way of the Ninja star that almost hit him in the face. Suddenly, Sakura disappeared, leaving The remaining Genins to themselves.

Gaara, was in deep thougt. "he did mention he was going to wash himself, right?" suddenly, a wicked grin spread across Gaaras face, and he disappeared in a blur of sand, leaving Zelos, Neji, and Kimi to themselves.

"wanna get some Ramen?" asked Kimi

"sure, why not"

* * *

**At Lee's house**

Lee had just gotten home. He was smelly, tired, and depressed due to the fact he had to turn down Sakura because he smelled like crap. Lee sighed, he decided just to take a shower, and hit the hay. Lee walked upstairs into his room, and took off his costume, he turned to go to the bathroom, but heard something odd. Lee cocked his head, It sounded like water was running, but he couldn't have left the water running, could he? It was coming from the bathroom. Lee (still not wearing anything) slowly walked into the bathroom. The shower was on, that was for sure.

"how odd" Lee thought, as he walked over to the shower.

Lee opened the door to the shower, and to his horror, it responded

"why hello wuv muffin, your late, but don't worry, theres room for two"

Lees eye started to twitch again, and he started to stutter. Inside his shower, was a very nude Gaara, washing himself, right in front of Lee (also very nude). Suddenly, things got worse for Lee.

"Come on, no need to be shy, I know shy you rejected Sakura…" he said, trying to pull Lee into the shower

Suddenly, Lee's survival instinct Kicked in.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(gasp)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(gasp)AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Lee Yelled

Lee turned around, and started to hoof it out the bathroom, and out of his house, running out into the street, in his birthday suit.

"Wait wuv muffin! COME BACK TO MEEEEE!" Gaara yelled, running out of Lee's house, also not covering up.

And thus the chase began.

**

* * *

**

**AT THE RAMEN BAR**

"man, this Halloween sucks" said Zelos, slurping some Ramen

"yeah, I know what you mean" said Kimi

"I'm upset too" said Neji "I didn't get one chance to spy on my cousin naked all day long…"

This realllllllllllyyyy creeped the hell out of Zelos and Kimi

"nahh, well" said Zelos, trying to change the subject "Nothing that scary happened today, pretty lame really"

"your right" said Neji "theres nothing really that frightening, I guess were all getter older, and less able to appreciate horror anymore"

"you know you guys" Kimi chimed in "be careful what you wish for, Cause it might come true"

"yeah right, cram your Chinese Proverb crap" Zelos said, slurping some ramen

Suddenly, their wish came true. Lee ran right by them, still naked, waving his arms up in the air yelling 'SAND RAPE!'. Closely following him was Gaara, also naked, yelling 'come back! My green, muscular wuv muffin!'

It took a minute for the nins to register what they just saw. The first to do so was Zelos, who turned over to Kimi and said.

"if you say I told you so, I'm going to kill you"

* * *

Hehe, Happy Halloween everyone!

I've got the 2 for the fanchapter for fans chosen. Thier chapter will be the next one. But to be honest, I'm kinda upset that no one voted for Zelos, I like him because hes a pretty versatile character, but oh well, Cest la vie I guess.

By the way, some might question my Spanish that I used in this chapter, just so you know, i'm in Spanish 4 and i can honestly say, it hasnt really paided off...

Oh, and on another note, i've finished writing the first chapter of my Haku and Tobi Side story, I'll post it as soon as I remember how to do that (this fan fic stuff is pretty hard to figure out...)

Some fair warning to readers of this fanfic, once Final Fantasy XII comes out, I'm probably not going to have the time to write for a while (not to mention school), so be prepared to wait for future chapters...

Until next time, just remember, every time a yaoi is written, a Puppy is born, an Angel gets its wings, and another Naruto book comes out!

Wait, that didnt come out right...

Kupo!


	32. Chapter 32, Someone to Love

**Chapter 32**

Someone to love

**Note from the author**

Hello readers, and thank you one and all for participating in the Don't Believe it fan vote! I promised you guys the winner of the most votes would get their own chapter, and to my surprise, we had a three way tie.

Hinata-3

Tenten-2

Iruka-1

Neji-3

Naruto-3

Kankuro-2

Jiraya-1

Shikamaru-1

Kiba-1

Shino-Infinite

Haku-863 billion

Oh, by the way, there is a margin of error on the votes, don't ask how much. So due to various reasons, Haku and Shino will not be appearing in this chapter. The winners are Hinata, Neji, and Naruto.

But wow, what luck is it that the winners are involved in a love triangle? Neji likes Hinata, who likes Naruto, who has a crush on Sakura, who is going out with Lee, who is getting hit on by the sand kid. Not to mention that you also have super Kinky Anko always hitting on Kakashi, and the always quite disturbing relation between Shika and Temari……

No one said love isn't confusing sometimes

And thanks again to everyone who voted, and thanks for not voting for Choji or Ino, seriously, I hate those two….

Anyway, enjoy this fanfic for the fans, and who knows? Maybe some runner ups might join in……

Creelo!

* * *

Hinata was wandering the village of leaves with her handy notebook by her side. After much perv training from Tenten, she decided that she needed to get some more perspective on love (Tenten had tried to make out with her one to many times). Her plan was to go around the town and learn about other peoples relationships, and see if she could find a way to express her feelings to Naruto.

"I can do this" she kept saying to herself.

She looked at her list, the first person up was Temari

* * *

**TEMARI**

"sooo, you want to know how to get a man to like you?" asked Temari, smugly

Hinata and Temari were at a booth in the ramen shop. Temaris burn wounds on her face had finally healed, and she had a new hatred for Sasuke.

"so, um, ms. Temari" said Hinata, quite nervously "whats the best way to tell a boy how much you like him?"

"Let me tell you about me and Shika" Temari said, sipping some Root beer "we have it great, I have him so far under my thumb, he'll never escape. Life is good when your boyfriends whipped"

In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to ask Temari for advice on Men

"okay, thank you ms. Temari" said Hinata "thanks for your help"

Hinata got up and started to leave, leaving Temari at the booth yelling at her

"wait! I didn't tell you about him cheating on me with the slut!"

* * *

**SAKURA**

"man advice? I'm the wrong person for this Hinata" said Sakura, who was shopping at the local mall

"but, but, um, Sakura, you're a very pretty person, don't you have lots of Men that like you?"

"well, the problem is, the first guy I had a crush on ran away with a creepy snake pedophile, and the boy I currently like turned me down, so he could run around Konoha nude with the sand boy chasing after him"

"oh, umm, sorry"

* * *

**ANKO**

Hinata was on the side of Kakashis house. Anko was up in a tree, with binoculars, trying to spy on Kakashi in the shower.

"hehe, my cute little Kakashi, you thought you could play hard to get with that little love story, eh?" Anko giggled out "to bad for you that Anko doesn't give up so easily"

"uh, excuse me, ms. Anko?" Hinata said, looking up "could you help me with a few questions?"

"what the.." Anko said, looking down "hey, it's the girl with the freaky cousin"

Anko jumped down next to Hinata, slightly loosing her balance as she landed.

"whatcha need?" she asked as she fell over

"umm, I need, umm advice on, m-m-m-men" she stuttered out

"Men? Sure, Men love to play hard to get, you gotta keep trying. Even if they say they don't like you, even if they tell you to go away, even if they get a restraining order against you, you gotta persevere."

Okay, Hinata realized she made another mistake in choosing people to interview.

"now if you excuse me, I gotta go back to peeping"

And with that, Anko jumped back into the tree, and continued stalking Kakashi.

Hinata sighed and started to walk away. Her interviews with the village girls was getting no where, none of them had given her any useful information, so she decided to go ask the one man in the village that she knew that was great with woman that she could talk to.

* * *

"hey, you came to the dead sexiest person to interview today!" said Zelos

Hinata had gone to Zeloes manor. His estate was huge, it had a 4 car garage, indoor swimming pool, personal movie theater, State-of-the-art sound system, he also had the largest porn collection you've ever seen before (all yuri).

"uh, mr. Zelos, thank you for agreeing to help me" Hinata said, turning a bit red

"hey, no prob kid! You need to know whats attractive to men, and I can tell you what that Narutard likes" Zelos said cheerily, while looking through his porn collection

"t-t-thank you very much" she replied

"first up Hinata, you need to dress sexy" He said, while choosing a couple of choice DVD's

"uh, alright, sexy"

"you know, Nosebleed inducing" he continued, putting the DVD's in the player "secondly, you gotta be more confident in yourself"

Zelos really didn't know Hinata very well, If you didn't notice

"u-m-m-m, really?" Hinata stammered out

"uh uh uh, YEAH!" said Zelos.

Zelos strolled over into his kitchen and started to make chocolate flavored puppy chow, while still giving Hinata instructions.

"If you don't get right to the point, your only going to look silly, now, I know that you like to talk a lot, and you always like to be the center of attention, but you can't screw around"

Zelos REALLY didn't know Hinata that well.

"uh, I, um, don't think I can" she said, looking depressed, "I don't really have any confidence, I just, um, cant get it, no matter how hard I try"

"hmmm" Said Zelos, eating the puppy chow. While he was eating, he looked like he was in deep thought, then suddenly, it looked like he had the solution "I think I might have the thing to help you…."

"really?" said Hinata, looking up "you have something?"  
"yes, I do" He said "Its something I picked up from Tethe'alla (still cant spell that), If you use it, I guarantee that you will get a date with Narutard in the first 15 seconds of the conversation"

"wow, what it is?" Hinata said, Cheering up that someone could finally help her

"its in the basement, come on, lets go" he said, throwing out the puppy chow, and heading to the stairs to the basement.

"by the way" said Hinata, as she followed Zelos "you have a very nice house"

"Thanks hunnie, with the massive fortune ive got, this kind of thing is easy to buy. Being rich and popular can be sooooo stressful sometimes…"

**_Da duh duh Da DAA!_**

Zelos obtained the title of **Idiot Chosen**

Suddenly, Hinata and Zelos stopped, and started to look around.

"uh, Zelos, where did that sound come from?"

"I have no clue, when I was in Tethe'alla, it keep going off whenever I said something like that" Said Zelos, looking around "never figured out why…"

* * *

**Meanwhile, outside…**

Neji was up in a tree outside of Zeloses house. He not only saw the whole conversation (evil eye), he read their lips, and read about Zeloses idea to help Hinata.

This was not good for Neji…

He hadn't expressed true feelings with Hinata yet, and if she and Naruto got together, it would be doomed before it even started. Neji cursed to himself, whatever Zelos had, it probably would really help Hinata out, but what was it?

Neji thought to himself what his plan of action would be. He couldn't take Naruto out of the picture, he just couldn't. And he couldn't force Hinata to not see him, it would make him look bad. So Neji came up with an Idea, if Zelos was helping Hinata gain confidence, and if he got rid of him, than she would be unconfident again, allowing him to sweep in unopposed. It was final….

Neji would kill Zelos…..

How hard could it be?

The guy wears pink for crying out loud…

* * *

**Inside Zeloses house**

"yo, It should be around here, I think…" Zelos said, looking around "when I moved here, I didn't really pay attention where I put some of this crap"

While the upper levels of Zeloses house could've been shown on MTV's 'Cribs', Zeloses basement was a tragedy. The whole place was full of cardboard boxes, with things written on the sides like 'Orange gels' and 'Professor Sage's Underware'.

"uh, Zelos? Where exactly did you live before you moved here?" asked Hinata, looking at a box that said 'nudie pics of Sheena'

"Tethe'alla" said Zelos, shifting through some boxes "where the hell did I put it?" He said picking up a box that said fragile, looked at it, than threw it away. "I know its around here somewhere….."

"uh, Zelos, is that it" said Hinata, pointing at the box in the corner

Zelos walked over, and opened up the box. Suddenly, he smiled, and jumped up in the air.

"BOOYA! Haha! Damn, I must be a genius! FOUND IT!" he said, doing a back flip

Zelos turned around, and rummaged through it, muttering phrases like 'if only Genis was here' and 'stupid Lloyd mislabeled this'. After a few minutes of searching, he grabbed an odd redish vial. It was an odd looking thing. It was shaped like a hexagon, and made out of glass. The substance inside was a redish liquid, which gave off a strange light. The potion looked dangerous, but Zelos seemed very sure of it…

"this…" he said, holding it between him and Hinata "…is whats going to get you that Narutard"

"what is it?" said Hinata, looking at the vial a bit fearfully "are you sure its not poison"

"this is no poison, it's a special potion combining magi technology, mizuho ninjutsu, and dwarven smith work. It's a special perfume, that's guaranteed to make you absolutely sexy to any man on earth"

Hinata couldn't believe it. She could finally make Naruto notice her. It seemed almost to good to be true. All of a sudden, Hinata realized just that. It was too good to be true, why would Zelos, the narcissistic Gigalo guy be helping her? Hinata decided to ask.

"uh, e-e-excuse me Zelos" she stammered out "I'm, ve-e-ery grateful for you helping me, but, why are you doing all of this?"

"huh?" Zelos was quite taken back by this, and looked pretty shocked that Hinata asked that "you wanna know why?"

"I-i-i-ts not to offend you, its just…" Hinata struggled for words, turning red "you have this reputation of being a lecherous jerk"

"wow, aren't you honest" Zelos said with a big grin "well, I'll tell you why I'm helping you" he said turning around

"why?"

"you very much remind me of someone" he said, turning back around "her names Collette, shes a chosen, just like me. You two act pretty similar, and are the same relationship problems….you like these guys who are absolutely clueless about it"

Hinata couldn't help but wonder who this other girl was. She sounded like someone Hinata would be friends with.

"anyway" Zelos continued "I cant just let that happen again, its honestly too painful for my vast intelligence, so, please take this, and take action" he said, handing the vial to Hinata

"T-thank you" Hinata was almost lost for words at Zeloses kindness "thank you very much, I'm going to find Naruto right now. Thank you very much"

_**DA Duh da duh DUHH!**_

Zelos obtained the Title of **Nice Guy**

Hinata started to run towards the stairs, but stopped at them, she had one final question for Zelos.

"uh, excuse me Zelos, but, what exactly is in this perfume?"

"the essence of the sexist things to a man in the world" he said following her "It only requires 4 key ingredients, essence of cheery, essence of Fruit loops, essence of Mountain dew, and essence of Nintendo"

"uh, Zelos, that doesn't sound like a real potion" said Hinata, stopping dead in her tracks

"Believe me, Hinata baby, it'll work" said Zelos, putting a hand on her shoulder "lets go find Narutard, I think hes at the Ramen place"

"Okay, if you say so Zelos, lets go"

And thus, our unlikely pair set forth, to find the orange protagonist, but little did they know, their movements were being constantly monitored, by a certain pale ninja…..

Even though Neji could read lips, he couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but they seemed to be on the move. Neji had already thought of the ultimate plan to take down Zelos. Neji slowly followed them, remaining in the shadows.

* * *

About 15 minutes later, Zelos and Hinata were out side the ramen shop. Hinata was getting extremely nervous, and started fidgeting around.

"uh, is he in there?" asked Hinata, turning redish

Zelos looked through the front windows, and took a look around. Inside, he could see Naruto talking to Jiraya in a booth.

"hey, I see Narutard, hes talking to the horny toad guy" said Zelos

"uh, uh, okay, thank you Zelos, I'm, I'm, I'm, going in"

Hinata walked inside, leaving Zelos outside. Zelos was supposed to make sure she didn't chicken out. He was hangin around outside, then noticed something to the side of the shop. Zelos walked over, and noticed a questionable magazine on the ground about 50 feet away from the shop.

"oh boy! Porn!" said Zelos, running over. Feet away from the magazine, he stopped and thought. Couldn't this be a trap? It was rather suspicious, but than again, it was porn, so he risked it.

As soon as Zelos grabbed the magazine. There was a little snaping noise, and suddenly, 30 kunai knifes and Ninja stars flew out of nowhere and directly hit Zelos.

"AAAAAA! NOOO! Not the face!!!" He yelled as he hit the ground.

Suddenly, Neji jumped out of Hiding, and stood over the body of Zelos. A smile slowly spread across his pale face. Zelos was down, and wasn't moving. Neji knew that there was no chance of him surviving that attack. ZELOS WAS DEAD!

"HA HA! it was as fate decided, you were never meant to be with Hinata, I love her, she will be mine!"

Neji turned around, and started to walk towards the Ramen shop. As he was walking, he heard some noises coming from Zelos. Neji turned around, and to his surprise, Zelos was still alive!"

**Zelos**

1709/2400 HP

500/500 TP

"God damn it that hurts" said Zelos as he pulled the weapons out of his body "what the hell was that for?"

Neji was flabbergasted, when he versed Kidomaru, 6 kunai practically killed him, and Zelos got nailed 30 times.

"why the hell are you still alive?"

"hey, for the last time, I'm the fricken Chosen! I'm an Angel! Do you honestly expect me to die easy?" responded Zelos, giving Neji the finger

Like all the other ninjas in Konoha, Neji believed everything that came out of Zeloses mouth was bull crap. The fact that he survived an attack like that proved that he was only 25 bull crap.

_**Duh duh duh da DUH!**_

Zelos obtained the title of **Gilgamesh**

Neji looked around, wondering where that sound came from.

"Just ignore that" say Zelos

"Really? Well, I guess its time to take this up a nock" said Neji, going in his battle stance

"As you wish" said Zelos, pulling out his sword and shield "This is for hurting my hot body!"

And without further a do, the fight to the death commenced.

* * *

**Inside the Ramen Shop**

Hinata walked over to the booth that Jiraya and Naruto were in. Apparently, Jiraya was trying to get Naruto out of his English dub.

"listen kid, I'm only doing this cause your other teacher has become addicted to Final Fantasy XII, and no one else cares about you enough to do it. You can at least meet me half way, stop speaking in your freakin Spanish dub!" he said

"No puedo!" said Naruto, slurping some ramen "estoy hablando espanol, que esta la problema? Creelo!"

"uggg" Jiraya sighed slumping his head "this has been a huge waste of time, maybe I should just throw you off a cliff….."

Suddenly, Hinata showed up, and Jiraya seized this to his advantage.

"hey, your that chick that hangs out with the slutty girl, right?" he said, getting up

"uh, yes..eeep!"

Jiraya put his arm around her and motioned torwards Naruto, not giving her a chance to explain anything.

"you know Naruto here right?"

"uh yes….."

"than talk to him" he said, lightly shoving her into the booth, and making a speedy getaway..

"ow!" Hinata said as she was knocked into the seat

"esta bien?" asked Naruto, concerned for Hinata

"uh im fine…eeep!" Hinata squealed

Hinata couldn't believe it, Naruto was concerned for her, it was like a dream come true for her. She realized it mustve been the affects of the potion. Wait, she hadn't used it yet. She pulled out the vial of the shiney red liquid.

"que esta?" asked Naruto, looking at the shiney liquid

"oh! Um, this?" said Hinata, shocked, clutching it in both hands. She couldn't let Spanish Naruto know what it was, she decided to say a little white lie.

"this is, ummmm, its, ummmm, a, ummm, puppy, I mean, Akamaru, darn, its Mountain dew!" she said, very unconvincingly

"aaaa, Me gusta mucho Moutain dew!" said Naruto, snatching the vial from her

"no, wait, Naruto!" she said, but it was too late, Naruto had downed the whole vial in one gulp.

"que curioso, este no es Mountain dew…."

Hinata was about to explain what the substance really was, but something interrupted her. Jiraya suddenly had burst into the Ramen shop, out of breath, and really excited about something..

"EVERYONE! Come Quick! Pretty boy and the creepy eye kid are fighting to the death! Hurry up and Place bets now!"

Everyone in the bar (sans Hinata) ran outside to see the fight. Hinata was left in the booth, shocked that the person she loved could be so stupid. The words of Zelos echoed through her mind. 'Hinata' he warned 'this potion is meant to be used as a perfume, under NO circumstances, may anyone drink it. Cause its drunk, the results afterwords would result in oblivion…'. Hinata briefly wondered what oblivion exactly meant, than ran out of the shop, hoping to get Naruto to medical care.

* * *

**Saturday night Pervert fight**

The fight had begun, and already, a ring of spectators had gathered. So far, Zelos had used Healing wind to heal himself from Nejis earlier ambush, than used Wind blade on Neji. Neji used his super whirly ball defense thingie to defend himself, and started to go on the offense. Meanwhile in the crowd, Jiraya was starting to take bets on who the winner would be.

Neji had noticed the crowd, and decided he better finish this off quick. He had to wait for Zelos to give him an opening, and soon, he got it. Zelos had stopped to focus for a spell, and that's when he attacked…

"prepare to taste the wrath of the fingerbang!" yelled Neji, running towards Zelos

"uh oh, running time!" yelled Zelos

Too late, Neji started to do his ultimate strike attack.

"eight trigrams, sixty four palms!" Yelled Neji

BAM!!! Two Strikes!

BAM!!! Four Strikes!

BAM!!! Eight Strikes!

BAM!!! Sixteen Strikes!

BAM!!! Thirty two Strikes!

BAM!!! Sixty Four Strikes!

BAM! He sent Zelos flying through the air, crashing in the guy in the audience who was selling popcorn and cotton candy.

Neji stood there, in his battle stance, analyzing Zelos. He had already underestimated him once, he really didn't want to go for twice. Neji was right. Shortly after, Zelos got up, looking completely unfazed by the attack.

**Zelos**

2334/2400 HP

478/500 TP

"god that was weak" he said shrugging "how the hell does poking someone qualify as an attack?"

Neji was flabbergasted. This complete moron just couldn't die, but why?

"whats with you? Are you a monstor? Your Chakra should be completely sealed off, your should be dead by rights!"

Zelos looked angry upon hearing that, he promptly gave Neji the finger, and responded "Get this through your friggin head, I DON'T USE CHAKRA, I USE TP!!!"

No one in the whole crowd knew what TP was, but is was very clear that Nejis most powerful attack was useless, in short terms, NEJI WAS SCREWED.

"uh oh, this isn't good" said Neji "Uh, hey, Zelos? Why don't we talk this one out?"

"uhhhh, nope, too late" Zelos said. Zelos suddenly started to charge an attack, he spun around raised his sword up in the air and yelled "BOOYAH! Lighting Blade!"

A giant sword made of electricity suddenly appeared over Neji, and than slammed into the ground, badly hurting Neji.

"ARRGH, NOOOOO! WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME FATE?!?" Yelled Neji as he hit the ground. Neji was knocked out cold.

Everyone in the crowd was silent. Even Zelos wasn't bragging, he sheathed his sword and just stood there, staring at Nejis unconscious form. This tension was in the audience for a few minutes (interrupted by a few 'creelos') from Naruto. This Tension was soon broken by a scream in the distance….

"AAAAAA GAI SENSEI! WHEREVER YOU ARE, SAVE ME!!!"

It was Lee. Apparently, Gaara was chasing him again. For some odd reason, once again, Lee was nude. Lee ran by the crowd commando style, breaking the tension and scarring them for life at the same time.

"come back to me wuv muffin! I know you love meeeeeee!" Gaara yelled, chasing after him.

That last comment from Gaara made a few people in the audience throw up. Hinata suddenly ran up to Zelos, out of breath, and looking nervous.

"puff, puff, Zelos, Puff, theres a problem" She said, panting

"what is it babe? Hey, wheres Narutard? He should be fawning all over you right now"

"well, its just that, he…"

"drank the potion?"

"yes!" said Hinata, shocked that Zelos knew that right away

"hmph, I see"

"isn't this bad?" said Hinata frantically "you said something horrible will happen!"

"no, nothing will" He said, looking uncaring

"huh? What are you talking about?"

"you see Hinata, that wasn't an actual love potion, that was just really flat Code red Mountain Dew"

"What?"

"I guessed that if you thought it worked, it would raise your confidence, and you would be able to get your gentleman caller, without being forced to use an artifical substance to do so"

Hinata completely understood what Zelos was saying. It was amazing how much Zelos believed in her and cared for her.

"you really mean all that Zelos? It really was a fake?"

"hell no, I was just joking around" he said "That thing was real, and we better get the hell out of here before it activates, come on!"

Zelos grabbed Hinatas hand and ran, forcing Hinata to flee the scene.

Suddenly in the crowd, Naruto seized up and passed out. The only person who noticed/cared was Jiraya, who promptly took his wallet and left.

* * *

**A few Hours Later**

It was night time. Everyone in konoha was at home and asleep, except for 2 ninjas in particular. The crowd had left the shop, leaving the loser of the fight for dead, and Naruto. But, as everyone whos ever known Neji, he doesn't go down easy.

"ugh" moaned Neji as he got up. His whole body ached all over, and he had a terrible headache. He looked around, it was night, probably around midnight, and Zelos was gone. Neji cursed himself for his weakness, Zelos was probably doing who knows what with his cousin right now. Neji got mad, but he suddenly sensed something weird. Neji turned around and saw the body of Naruto, which for some odd reason, was glowing in a strange red color.

"Kyuubi?" asked Neji as he walked over.

As neji got close, he noticed something was wrong. Naruto wasn't turning into the nine tails, he was turning into a completely different person. The person was a man, wearing some blue outfit, and was odd about it was that Neji couldn't sense Naruto at all, even though he saw Naruto turn into this guy. Neji was freaked out, most horror films he saw were like this, and the fact he was so badly injured he could fight started to freak him out. Suddenly, this other Person got up, and started to move towards Neji. Neji turned to run, but tripped and fell over. The form moved towards Neji, and reached into his coat to pull out something. It had to be a weapon, it just had to. Neji lifted his arms to defend himself, and to his surprise, the person talked.

"yo! Wanna see some pictures of my daughter?"

* * *

I havent had much oppertunities to type due to a massive amount of homework (it just wont die!) and the release of Final fantasy XII (I heart Moogles!). I also released the side story i mentioned.n So lotsa stuff been going on.

Theres the fanfic for fans, it was the longest chapter yet, and involved the killing off of a certain spanish ninja. Dont worry, I'm pretty sure some of you can guess who this new guys is...

Believe it! Kupo! and Dattebayo!


	33. Chapter 33, Jutsu no Jutsu

**Chapter 33**

Jutsu no Jutsu

About a week after the little duel incident, no one in Konoha had seen Naruto since. Actually, no one really cared that they hadn't seen Naruto in a week and they were pretty glad of it. Neji was in the hospital from the duel. He, like Lee, was handcuffed to the bed (he attempted to feel up one to many nurses). Sasuke was still in Konoha, trying to find Orchimaru. Not having any luck, he decided to wait in line to buy a wii.

As for the rest of the nins, once again, the nins (and Zelos) were in school. Actually, to be more specific, they were in the school, it just hadn't started yet. Inside the ninja academy classroom, all the nins were attending to their own business. They were in a different classroom from before. They were in the 3rd floor jutsu room, where the front of the room is lower than the back of the room (slantish) Sakura was talking to Lee, who was in a wheelchair, and whimpering 'sand rape, Gaara will eat me' over and over. Shikamaru was once again, on the short leash (literally, Temari put him in another collar, and a leash). And the entire time, Temari was making murderous glances at Tenten, and muttering comments like 'bitchy slut, little bitch'. In the front of the classroom, Kiba was talking to Tenten, with his moogle going through the teachers desk, looking for confiscated contraband. Right next to them, Zelos was drawing on the chalkboard (A very detailed Drawing of the female chest anatomy). In the back of the classroom, Kankuro was talking to Kimimmaru about his plan for finding Haku.

"we need to attract him back to the village" Kankuro said, motioning his hand "we need to do something that's a sure fire idea"

"well, what do you have in mind?" asked Kimi

"simple, we put on a production of RENT in Konoha theater. As soon as we announce it, he'll be here to audtion for it, we all know how much that guy likes RENT"

"sigh, Kankuro, your idea wont work" said Kimi, depressed at Kankys hopelessly stupid idea

"what? Why not?"

"first of all, the theaters been destroyed, remember the play? Secondly, he might not be in a play where we can here about it. Thricely, if we did hold that musical, I'd be the lead, I'm the talent around here"

"sorry to burst your bubble Kimi, but you don't have any talent" said Kankuro, bluntly

"that didn't stop the actors in the movie from being in it…"

SLAM!!!!

"YO!"

Everyone in the classroom stopped and looked. Standing in the doorway, was what they supposed was their new teacher. He was wearing what looked to be a strange blue military uniform, had small, rectangular glasses on, and had a goatee and gelled hair. As soon as he walked in, everyone walked to their seats (same as chapters 20 and 25). Everyone except Kiba's moogle, who was still rooting inside the teachers drawer for goodies.

"hello class!" he said, walking to the front of the room, pulling the moogle out of the desk drawer (the moogle had already swiped a ton of stuff) "I'm your new jutsu teacher, and my name is M-A-E-S, H-U-G-H-E-S" he said slowly, writing it on the chalkboard, over Zeloses wonderful drawing of the female anatomy. "any questions?"

In the middle of the room, Shino was making bets with everyone around him on how long this teacher would last.

"Anyway, students, before we start, there's something I need to tell you…." He said, reaching for something inside his military uniform.

What could it be? Everyone in the class leaned forward to get a better view.

Suddenly, the odd teacher pulled out what looked like pictures of a little girl.

"WHO HERE WOULD LIKE TO SEE PICTURES OF MY DAUGHTER ELICIA? ISN'T SHE A BUNDLE OF DIVINE CUTENESS?!?"

All of the girls in the class went 'awwwwww' at the same time and rushed forward to look at pictures of his daughter. Leaving all the guys in their seats, except for Shikamaru, who was dragged bodily along by Temari on her leash, leaving him lying on the ground, struggling for breathe as Temari fawned over the pictures.

Five minutes later, the girls lost interest over the pictures and returned to their seats (everyone trampled over poor Shika on their way back). Maes Hughes put the pictures away and faced the class in their seats.

"Okay, students, lets begin our lesson. I am your Ninjutsu instructor, now before we beguin, I need to tell you all something, I have no F(censored)ing clue what the hell jutsu is."

Wow, what a great teacher.

"I'm from a land where we don't use Jutsu or magic, we use guns and alchemy"

"ooooo, Alchemy! Could you give us a demonstration of that?" asked Sakura

"Nope, don't know how to use it" said Maes

The whole class sighed. This was the worst teacher ever.

"could you at least tell us a bit about yourself?" asked Sakura

"uh, sure" said Maes "I have the most beautiful wife in the world, and the nicest, sweetest little girl in the world too. I'm from the country of Amesitis, by the way. I was a brigadier general in the military there. But than I stumbled upon something I shouldn't have…"

"what was it?" asked Shika

"was it a weapon?" Kimi asked curiously

"was it an evil plot that would destroy a whole country?" asked Kankuro

"was it weapons of mass destruction?" asked Lee

"no! I simply found some incriminating pictures of Fuehrer president Bradley" he said, passing them around

Everyone took a look at the pictures. It was the first time in any of their lives that they had seen pictures of a man in an eye patch wearing a clown wig.

"anyway, they put a hit out on me, and a freaky guy with an ambiguous gender tried to give me the shaft, now im here, teaching you kids in a subject I have no idea about. So bare with me. And now, time for the actual teaching. What we are doing today, is every one of you are going to go in front of the class, and present a jutsu you made up"

Rock Lee raised his hand "uhh, I Can't use Ninjutsu, what should I do?"

"well" said Maes Smiling "you fail this class, you whiney, ugly, genetically inferior loser"

Rock Lee started to do that weird crying of his, and ran out of the room. In the middle of the class room, Gaara was fuming with rage. This new asshole of a teacher just made his wuv muffin cry. The only person that was allowed to Make Lee cry was him (Hes very good at hurting Lee). Gaara swore to himself he would extract his revenge on this new teacher, somehow….

"anyway, class, who should go first…" Maes said, looking down a list of students "letsssssss see, how about the new kid, a Zelos Wilder"

"Shit!" Zelos said, falling out of his chair, Zelos scrambled to get up, regained his dignity, and strutted to the front of the class.

"So Zelos" said Maes, looking at the notes Tsunade gave him "I understand that your from a land where they don't use jutsu, so that means there are no ninjas?"

"actually, there were ninjas" said Zelos, as he got to the front of the room, and faced the class "she was a really hottie, great legs, nice ass and killer killer kittens, too bad she was a total bitch. Anyway, she didn't use Jutsu, she used something else, I think….I was too busy staring at her magnificent rac…"

"Zelos" said Maes, cutting him off "stop talking about that ninjas cats and show the class the jutsu you created"

Zelos was pissed that Maes was cutting him off. Zelos put on his serious face, he held up his hands in front of him, and made the hand signs of the Tiger, Tiger, and Tiger.

"Uh" said Shika, interrupting Zeloses concentration "why are you doing the same hand sign over and over?"

"cause the others are too Fking hard to do!" said Zelos angrily, restarting his jutsu. After redoing the hand signs, he said the name of his ninjutsu.

"pervert no jutsu!" he yelled

Zelos stood in front of the class, his hands still making the sign of the tiger. He didn't appear to be doing anything, just standing there, looking around, and giggling a lot.

"what the hell did you do?" yelled Sakura in the back

"whys he giggling like Neji?" asked Kimmi

"uh, kid" said Maes, walking up to Zelos "what did you just do?"

"My super ultra special jutsu" said Zelos, still red in the face and giggling "It gives me the power to see through Woman's clothing and see their bra sizes"

**DA da duh da DUH!**

**Zelos obtained the title of Perverted Ninja**

Every girl in the classroom shrieked at the same time. Every guy stared at the girls, each taking a mental note that they've gotta get Zelos to teach them that later…

"Lets see…." Said Zelos, scanning each of the girls "Sakura got a nice set of kittens, nice" Zelos dodged a few throwing stars thrown by Sakura "Tenten, you've got some very nice girls too, hehe"

"why thank you Zelos" said Tenten, smiling, in her cherish, horish attitude

"Ino, you're an Ironing board, not good at all"

Once again, Zelos had some more throwing stars thrown at him, but Zelos dodged

"And Temari, you've gotta…"

Zelos was cut off, Temari had thrown her fan, and nailed Zelos right in the head, knocking him out cold.

"Okayyyy" said Maes, pulling unconscious Zelos to the corner of the room "remind me not to piss you off. Anyway, lets see who else is on this list…"

* * *

**MUCH LATER**

You guessed it, things were not going good in the Jutsu class. Temari had hurt Kiba's feelings, and he ran out of the room crying again. For Chojis jutsu, all he did was eat a can of Coca cola whole (unopened). And when Kimi went up, he got a boner in front of the class (his bones started to stick out, what do you think that means you pervert?). Currently up was Shino.

Shino had developed a jutsu that was a combination of Chidori and Rasengan. It was about 150 times more powerful than both of them combined. It looked like a spinny ball of lighting and wind in his hand.

"I call it the Rasengan Blade" he said aloud "It's a combination of Sasukes hallmark Jutsu, and Narutos hallmark jutsu. Its much more powerful than ethier of those novices things"

Indeed it was. He had the thing in his hand, and the mere presence of it was causing a power shortage, a 50 MPH wind in the room, and the paint on the walls to peel. Not to mention it was causing Kankuro in the back to scream like a girl out of fear.

"Any questions?" asked Shino

"NO!" yelled Maes, trying to get away from Shino "you get an A, just get that thing the hell away from here!"

Shino shrugged, walked over to the window, and threw the Rasengan blade out the window. He turned around and went back to his seat. As he was walking, there was a BOOM as it hit the ground, following by a girly scream.

"uh, did he just hit Kiba?" asked Sakura

* * *

**ABOUT 20ft BELOW**

Even though Kiba was outside, surprisingly, it did not hit him. You see, Orchimaru was trying to spy on the schoolboys, and was peeking through a window, right on the ground under the 3rd story window where Shino threw Rasengan blade out of…

"ohhh, yesssssss, lotssssa young boysssssss" he said, looking through the window into the class. "hey, whatsssss that?" he asked, looking at the incoming ball of energy.

Orchimaru found out what it was the hard way.

BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM! (Insert picture of a miniature atom bomb explosion). BOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Orchimaru took a hit to the head. The chidori/rasengan combo was as effective as its name sounds, and practically destroyed Orchimaru.

"AHHHH! OWWIE! Why would a nicccceeee tender boyssss do thissss to meeee?" he said, writhing in agony.

Orchi lay on the ground, mortally wounded, blood shooting out of him like a sprinkler. Orchimaru was going to die, and he knew it. So like most parasites, he needed to leech onto the first thing he saw…

"Mog! Come back to me!" Kiba yelled, chasing after his moogle friend "I made you a muffin!"

"Kupo kupo kuppopo!" the moogle yelled flying away

Orchimaru saw the boy, he didn't seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he would do.

"BODY REPLACEMENT JUTSU" Orchimaru yelled

Suddenly, Kiba stopped right in his tracks. He felt funny, like something had suddenly chilled him to the soul. Suddenly, his body started to move and talk on its own!

_"Hahahaha! The jutssssssu succeeded! Now its time to take over thisssssss pathetic country!" _

Kiba was scared, his body was moving and acting on its own. Which was very bad, he worked out.

"Whos there?" asked Kiba, looking around "why am I talking to myself"

_"Sssssssshut up!" _said Kiba to himself_ "I will destroy the land of fire, and eat the flessssssh of my enemiessssss!" _

"I cant do that! I'm a Vegan! I don't eat my furry friends" said Kiba, frantically

"_wellsss, in the meannnssstime, I will finds messs sssssome boysssssss_!"

And thus, the poor possessed ninja tromped off, leaving the possessee really freaked out.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM DOING! IM SCARING MYSELF! SAVE ME, MOOGLE FRIENDS!"

Too bad for Kiba, all the moogles were helping Haku, about a few hundred miles away.

* * *

Ahhhh, Thanksgiving break, its a beautiful time of the year. You see, at my school, it used to be only a two day week, with only school on the monday and Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Due to shockingly low attendance, they made it a One day week, with only school on Monday. Due to even LOWER attendance on that day, they now give us the whole week off.

Thats right, I get the whole week off.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, Life is unfair, but its great when its unfair to someone else for once. To all of those who are spending time in school this week, look on the brightside, I have more time to write this stuff.

Enough of that. Anyway, now that Maes Hughes has entered my humble Fanfic, I feel like I should tell the readers this.

NARUTO IS NOT MY FAVORITE MANGA SERIES.

Thats right. Even though I love ninjas (always have). And I think some characters in it are cool (Rock Lee, Shino, Hinata, you guys kick ass!). Its still not my favorite thing. My favorite Manga is...Fullmetal Alchemist.

Why?

Because its the greatest thing ever.

And until next time, every time a Yaoi is written, a puppy dies, an Angel looses its wings, and someone gets trampled waiting in line for the PS3 (Its all over the news...)

Thankupo!


	34. Chapter 34, Trouble on The Love Boat

**Chapter 34**

Trouble on the love boat

* * *

Were onto Chapter 34 of this sub-par fanfic, and since things are getting freakin complicated (sorta) its time for a character update.

**Ninja people**

**Naruto**, Disappeared, coincidentally, the same day Maes appeared. Does anyone care? Not really

**Sakura**, Is kinda crushed that she has horrible luck with men

**Sasuke**, has returned. It has been confirmed that he is NOT gay, and is looking for Orchimaru, so he can kill Itachi. His favorite pastimes are knitting and listening to Shakira.

**Tenten**, Still a pretty big slut. Is Hinata newest friend. And is always willing to give out bad relationship advice. She is also completely unaware of Temaris hatred of her. Her current fetish is (censored out, its that bad).

**Neji**, a pervy perv with a crush on his cousin. He recently made a mortal enemy out of Zelos. He occasionally pulls off a caper or two with Jiraya.

**Lee**, Spandex wearing Lee. Has lost a bit of his sanity due to Yaoi shock caused by Gaara. In spite of that, Lee is in love with Sakura.

**Shino**, The coolest ladys man ever. Also the son of Auron, and the great grandson of T.G. Cid. He is probably the only level headed person in this fic.

**Kiba**, a nice, animal loving vegetarian. He was possessed by Orchimarus body transfer technique, and is in a constant struggle to stop him.

**Akamaru**, became Tsuandes assistant. The only dog in the world able to perform advanced brain surgery.

**Hinata**, loves Narutard, but is unable to express it

**Ino**, a huge bitch.

**Choji**, has gotten a bit cooler since last time. Recently hes been wearing black clothes, has shaved his head, and has gotten the ouroboros tattooed onto his tongue.

**Shikamaru**, Is whipped like a pig. Just recently got the short leash put on him again. Due to a misfortunate mix up, it is now thought that Shika cheated on Temari with Tenten (didn't happen, but no one believes him).

**Gaara**, Still cant take the hint that Lee doesn't like him. Has done many, MANY unsuccessful yaoi attempts in the past.

**Temari**, Shikamarus insane girlfriend. She has him whipped like a pig (complete with a shock collar). She is currently plotting ways to kill Tenten and Sasuke.

**Kankuro**, has a strange, and unnatural obsession with dolls.

**Kimmimaru**, Still has dreams of starring on broadway. And has also recently become obsessed with Kuja.

**Haku**, helping out Tobi. Currently in a different fanfic.

**Tobi**, sent on a fools errand. Current whereabouts are in a different fanfic.

**Itachi**, blind guy with a gun. Not a good combo.

**Kisame**, the fish guy. Hes an alcoholic who enjoys listening to Abba.

**Orchimaru**, the creepy snake pedofile. Due to Shino accidentally destroying his body, Orchi was forced to use his body replacement jutsu and possess Kiba. He is currently in conflict with Kiba over the body.

**Tsunade**, the only ninja in the world that practices inebriated surgery style (surgery while plastered)

**Kakashi**, still addicted to Final fantasy, and is still fending off advances from Anko.

**Anko**, still cant take a hint. She still ignores the restraining order Kakashi got against her.

**Hayate**, has died a total of 17 times. Not quite sure how hes still alive though.

**Jiraya**, I still cant spell his name right

**Iruka**, Still addicted to root beer. Not much else info available.

**Crossover Characters**

**Zelos**, a rich, powerful, horny angel. Originally from Tales of Symphonia.

**Maes**, loves his family. A lot. A whole lot. He also is in the witness protection program (a gender confused Homculi attempted to kill him). Appeared right when Naruto disappeared. Originally from FullMetal Alchemist

**The moogles**, all left to help Haku and Tobi. The only one that remained (Mog) is currently Kibas best friend. Incidentally, Mog is fully capable of Human speech, but refrains from speaking it to "stick it to those bitches". Originally from FINAL FANTASY.

**Sir Not appearing in this fanfic**, this aptly named character is not appearing in this fanfic.

Seriously, if you think this is complicated, you should try typing this stuff. There are WAYYYYYYYYY to many Naruto characters. Maybe I should just do fanfics about Love Hina or Shaman King….

Ahhh, Shaman king.

Oh wait, still typing…

* * *

**Now, the actual plot (sort of)**

In Konoha, the most surprising thing ever happened.

Rock Lee, actually asked Sakura out on a date!

And even more surprising, she said yes!

Rock Lee had asked her out to the movies, and then to dinner. He had it all planned out. It was going to be the most romantic night ever. First, they were going to see the movie "super bloody Samurai death fights" (rated R for extreme Gore) than a romantic dinner at "super freakin curry house" (rated an A plus for inducing extreme indigestion). As you can probably guess, Rock Lee isn't a very romantic guy.

Because of his inexperience in the field of dating, he had gone around and asked a few people for advice.

* * *

Shino-

"Lee, be kind, be courteous, and for the love of god, don't F—k this up"

* * *

Zelos-

"hehe, tell me if shes a slut or not"

* * *

Neji-

"you can borrow my camera if you wanna get some pics for later…"

* * *

Tenten-

"you can practice with me If you wanna"

* * *

Maes-

"who the hell is Sakura?"

* * *

Gaara-

"What?!?! You have a date with the pink haired whore?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

* * *

Basically, the only person that really gave him good advice was Shino. The others didn't help Lee out a bit (and seeing Gaara scared the crap out of Lee).

Lee was waiting outside the movie theater. He had brought some flowers to give Sakura (Sakura flowers, he has no imagination). He still couldn't believe that Sakura had said yes, and he was still praising his good luck by doing that creepy crying of his. Unbeknown to him, he was being watched, by a certain eyebrowless sand ninja.

That's right, Lees little Gentleman was ontop of the movie theater, watching Lee like a Hawk. When he learned his 'wuv muffin' had a date with Sakura, it almost killed him. Gaara had repeatedly showing Lee how much he cared about him, only to be ignored, or run away from. Gaara had plotted to kill Maes Huges for Making Lee cry, but he decided to put that on hold. His plan was simple, first, he'd kill Sakura (in a painful way), than he'd kidnap Lee for a long romantic night of hot yaoi love (Kicking or screaming). First they'd (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and than Gaara would (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and than his wuv muffin would (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and then they'd (Censored, this is really easy to write). What the whip cream and chains were for, you don't want to know.

Anyway, Gaara planned to kill Sakura by using his sand to drop an anvil on her head (Gaara been watching to much TV). Suddenly, the pink haired witch of the west appeared…

"Lee honey!" Sakura yelled, running towards Lee.

Sakura was really serious about this date. For the first time in her life, she knew that there was a guy that really cared about her. She had really dolled herself up for this date. She had makeup, she had her hair done, she was wearing her best red outfit (she has about 23 of the exact same outfit).

"hey Sakura!" yelled Lee, waving at her

"hey bitch" mumbled Gaara, using his sand powers to lift up the anvil.

Unforunately for Gaara, anvils weren't as light as Wile Coyote made them look. Even with all his sand, he couldn't get the darn thing to budge.

"Stupid cartoons!" yelled Gaara.

The sand wasn't budging it, so Gaara started to push the anvil with all his might. Unforuntaely, Gaara forgot to take into account that he has the upper body strength of a sickly British boy, and that didn't budge it either.

"Sakura you look lovely" said Lee

"Why thank you" she responded, blushing

"Lets go inside, I've already got our tickets"

Lee and Sakura went inside. Seconds after they went in, Gaara finally got the anvil to fall off the building.

"HAHA! Take that you home wrecker!" he yelled triumphantly

But……Sakura was already inside, and the spot where Sakura was standing a minute earlier was then filled with Ino…

BBBAAAANNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!

"OWWWW!"

Gaara looked over. The person who yelled wasn't the pink haired witch, it was her friend, the mean one. Gaara silently swore to himself. Not only did he let Sakura get into the theater, he didn't even kill Ino. It was going to be a bad day for him.

Gaara decided that he should do his next attempt inside the theater.

* * *

**Murder attempt No. 2**

Inside the theater, Lee and Sakura were in the 4th row, waiting for the flick to start. Lee had ordered a large, extra curry popcorn, and a super large root beer (living the good life). Surprisingly, also in the theater a few rows back was Temari and Shikamaru. Even though it was dark, Lee could tell it was them because he could make out a girl voice swearing and a male voice crying.

2 rows behind Lee, Gaara was plotting his next attack. He was going to kill Sakura by dropping a boulder off a cliff and onto her head. Unfortunately, there was no cliff, and no boulder, so Gaara would just have to settle with shooting Sakura. Unfortunately, Gaara didn't have a gun, but he was sitting next to someone who did….

"Excuse me, Itachi, can I have your gun?" Gaara asked to the blind Nin

"No!" responded Itachi, clutching the gun

That's right, Akasuki was in the movie theater. Gaara was sitting to the right of Itachi. As it turns out, the leader guy of Akasuki took out the nins to congratulate them on getting rid of Tobi. Kisame was sitting to Itachis left, and was already on his ninth beer, to Kisames right Deidra was feeding popcorn into the mouths on his hands, Sasori was physically unable to eat anything (he is a puppet) so he was just drinking wood polish. Itachi had the jumbo popcorn, and everyone was periodically stealing popcorn from him (stealing from a blind guy, god those nins are cruel).

"come on, I need to kill the pink haired chick!" said Gaara angrily

"No! I cannot allow my gun, the broken butterfly, to be used in such a manner! It shouldn't be used for murder"

Gaara was caught off guard. The whackjob had actually named the damn thing.

"you named it broken butterfly? Why the hell would you do that?"

"I heard it from a game once"

"well, I still need it!"

"Tough, its not going to be used for murder"

"oh come on, you shot Tobi with that thing! Don't act high and mighty"

"that doesn't count! Tobi deserved it! He dyed my hair pink when I fell asleep, he deserved that one"

Gaara really didn't care, he suddenly lunged for the gun, trying to grab it from Itachis hands.

"gimmie that gun dammit!"

"No! you might cause it to.."

BAAAAAM!

"AAAAAAAAAA!!!"

"saw that one coming" said Itachi

Lee was shot, he fell to the ground and started to squirt blood and tears.

"Sakura!" he yelled in pain

"Lee are you okay?" she said clutching him while he was writhing in pain

"Sakura……I…think I might be a goner…..Would you do me one last favor?"

"yes, what is it Lee?"

"I……want to…………. have sex with you right here…….So I don't die a virgin"

"what are you, Zelos?" said Sakura angrily, punching him in the head

"I'll have sex with you Lee!" yelled Gaara, climbing over the rows, desperate to reach his wuv muffin and have naughty yaoi fun.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" yelled Lee, who past out with fright with Gaaras words.

Meanwhile, in the row Akasuki was in, Itachi was assessing the situation.

"uhh, Kisame?"

"yeah Itachi?"

"Did, me and that Sand kid just shoot someone?"

"yeah, you just did"

"oh, than I should warn some people, they need to know Someones been shot!"

Itachi than fired another shot, resulting in another person yelling 'AAAAA!'

"uhh, Kisame?"

"yeah Itachi?"

"did I just shoot someone again?"

"yeah, you just did"

Itachi than fired another shot to warn more people about the person he just shot, but that just ended with him shooting Ino.

"uh, Kisame?"

"yeah Itachi?"

"Did I just Shoot someone again?"

"yeah, you kinda did"

"oh boy"

"yeah"

"does that make three now?"

"yeah, it kinda does"

"oh boy"

"yeah"

"Lets get the hell out of here"

"that's the best idea you've had yet"

And thus, Akasuki ditched the theater, leaving Lee, Ino, and the other wounded person to deal with their mortal wounds. Cause that's how Akasuki rolls.

* * *

Well, Thanksgivings over now, I'm back in school, and i've gotta crap load of homework. I miss my week off...

But, now Christmas is just around the corner! Yippie! its going to be great.

Oh, and by the way, KibaXKankuro is (in my opinon) the worst yaoi couple imaginable. My gf knows how much I hate the very thought of dog boy and Kabuki kid togather, it practically gives me nightmares (currently, the only nightmares I get are GaaraXLee ones). Freaky stuff.

Oh, and when you send your reviews, tell me which character bio is your favorite. Theres just so freakin many of them...

Until next time, I'll leave you with this thought

If you do one thousand years of pain on Orchimaru, does he regain health?

Thankupo!


	35. Chapter 35, How to Write Porn

**Chapter 35**

How to write porn

NOTE: This chapter follows a different format than all of those before this. This chapter, is being written in the view of konohas most famous and favorite slut, Tenten! So sit back, relax, and remember, this is only rated T (cause I don't know how to type M rated stuff).

* * *

_Date, some time in december_

_Dear Diary_

_Ahhhh, it's a beautiful morning in the village of Leaves. Since it's a Saturday, we get theday off, which is handy for me, cause I was up late last night (Cenosred)ing everyone over at the (Censored). Anyway, my good buddy Lees been in the hospital since Thanksgiving, he was pretty badly hurt. Ino was hurt to, they left on the front steps for a few hours hoping that she would just die (they weren't that lucky. Anyway, as a get well gift, I sent Lee some naked pictures of me and a box of porn, when he got them, he freaked out, I'm not quite sure why…_

_Anyway, I got up, and decided to do my daily morning ritual of watching brand new porn. So I got up, went to my collection, and to my horror, I realized…._

"Oh no! I've already seen all this porn"! Tenten said Shocked.

She was right, Tenten had already seen "Shaman Sluts 3" about 7 times, she had also viewed "bleach super bimbos" three times, and she had also watched "Naruto Yuri gone wild" more times than she could count.

Horrified, she ran over to her erotic novel section and looked through it, only to realize that she had read/reread/acted out all of them.

Tenten sat down in shock. This had never happened before, not once in her life. This was all old porn, and the fear of something creped through her slowly, THE PORN STORE WAS CLOSED ON SATURDAYS.

This brought a horrible thought to her head

Tenten, for the first time in her life, would have to go 24 hours without looking at some new porn. That would surely kill her….

Tenten started to hyperventilate, but than calmed herself down, what could she do? she had to think….and fast….

_After much thinking, I thought of the most brilliant Idea ever! I'd create my own Pornographic novel! Its going to be easy, I'm already an expert on the subject, and I'm getting an A in sex ed (why is it called sex ed if you don't have sex in it? Very misleading, I brought all those condoms for nothing). The first thing I need to do is go around and get some perspective on this, so I went around, questioning people on this.

* * *

_

"okay, let me get this straight, your 14 years old, and you want to write a porn novel" Maes asked

"yup"

"and to do this, your going around, and asking people about their sex lives, so you can write about it"

"yup"

"and you want to know about my wife, right?"

"yup"

"okay, look, I have a question for you, were you dropped as a child or something?"

"nope"

"uh, well, than what the hell happened to you?"

"I just LOOOOOOOVVEEEEE sex, is that so wrong?!"

Maes started to wonder what they put in the water in konoha.

"So anyway" said Tenten, pulling out her piece of paper "I must know, this shape shifting genderless guy that tried to kill you, did you two do anything kinky?"

"what?!?! That son of a bitch tried to kill me!!!"

"I'm not real particular about these things" said Tenten "and what about you and this Elric kid, whats it like to have sex with a guy with a fake arm?"  
Maes Hughes pulled one of his throwing knives out

"Get the hell out of my house"

* * *

_Maes didn't really tell me anything at all. Kinda disappointing, I wanted to know how foreigners have sex. Oh well, my Next Conquest turned out differently. _

"So, Mr. Asuma, I'd like to know about your relationship with Kurenai"

"Sure kid" Said Asuma.

That's right, Asuma had just returned to Konoha. He was on assignment for the entire duration of the recent events, and had just gotten back to Konoha recently.

"I heard you've been kinda sick recently" said Tenten

"oh yeah, totally" he said, leaning back "First there was the lung cancer, than the had to do surgery on my cancerous jaw, than I got the stoma, than I had to get my stoma fixed from me shoving M and M's down it."

"you look fine to me sir"

"Oh, you know it, Tsunades Dog performed the best surgery ever on me. Now I don't have a stoma and I'm fine. Except on the way back from my mission, that son of a bitch Hidan Stabbed my Heart with that scythe thingie"

"owie"

"you know it, but I walked it off"

"okay, enough with the dilly dallying, Asuma, whats you sexual relation with Kurenai like?"

"oh, well, I (censored) her"

"really?"

'Ohhhhhhhhh yeah" he said with a grin, taking a drag from his cig.

"how was it?"

"well" he said Grinning, "a gentleman doesn't tell tales after school"

_I couldn't get any more than that, so I went straight to the source. _

"did you have sex with Asuma miss Kurenai?"

"what? God no? what the hell has he been saying?" Kurenai responded, looking embarrassed "The farthest hes ever gone is him doing a Miroku impression asking me to bear his child"

* * *

_Okay, so Asuma didn't tell the whole truth, I had to find some other sources, so I asked Kiba. I figured a guy that hangs out with animals all the time know how to 'do it like they do it on the discovery channel'. When I went to talk to Kiba, he seemed pretty normal._

"Hello Kiba, what can you tell me about your sex life?" asked Tenten

"_Well, I lovesssssss me ssssssssome boyssssss" _said Kiba, twitching slightly

"oh, so you like Yaoi sex" Said Tenten, writing this down

"No, I don't!" said Kiba, twitching again "I don't like boys, I like girls! Theres something in my heaadddddddd" he said in a whining/desperate voice

"_SSSSSSShut up! I'm in charge of Thisssssss body!!!"_ said the 'other' Kiba

"what did I tell you about sharing Orchimaru? Don't make me sing the sharing song again!" said the 'real' Kiba

"_That sssssssssongssss repulssssssssive, don't you dare"_

Tenten was writing about Kiba and the Yaoi thing down, completely unaware that Kiba was having a conversation with himself.

"So, Kiba, your into Yaoi, who do you think in the village is good looking?" questioned Tenten

"I told you, I'm not gay! I'm _incredibly attracted to SSSSSSSassssuke, he says no, but his eyes ssssssay take me"_

Wow, how disturbing

Tenten started to scribble away furiously in her notebook. She had hit a goldmine, everyone knows yaoi crap is always a sure fire hit.

"so, who else?"

"No one! I'm not gay! Orchimaru is trying to control my body and _I think that the Little Rock Lee boy would be oh sssssooo tassssssty…hehe_ AAAAAA! No! Tenten, Please, you've gotta save me!" he said, lunging at Tenten and trying to get her attention

"oh, Kiba, if you wanna have sex with me, lets not do it here in public, I am a lady after all, we can do it in the men's room."

"what?"

"Nothing"

* * *

_Wow, I never knew that Kiba was gay. But what I don't get is, how he can talk like that snake guy. Oh well, maybe hes just weird like that. Speaking of the snake guy, I decided to visit his little buddy, you know, the Sasgay guy, or was it Sasuke? I'll ask him that._

Tenten was at the Uchia place where the slaughter of the Uchias took place many years ago. She came looking for Sasuke, and found him. For some odd reason, Sasuke was in front of his house, leaning back on a chair, playing a banjo and singing a song.

"Now it's a job that just suits me  
A window cleaner you would be  
If you can see what I can see  
When I'm cleanin' windows" Sasuke sang, playing the banjo the entire time

"excuse me, Sasuke, can I talk to you?" asked Tenten, trying to get his attention

"Honeymoonin' couples too  
You should see them bill 'n coo  
You'd be surprised at things they do  
When I'm cleanin' windows" he continued, completely unaware that he had an audience.

"excuse me, but I'm writing a dirty novel, and I need to know how your sex life with Orchi was like…."

"The blushin' bride, she looks divine  
The bridegroom he is doin' fine  
I'd rather have his job than mine  
When I'm cleanin' windows" he went on

Tenten sighed, Sasuke was so wrapped up in his dirty window wiping song he didn't even see or hear her. So Tenten unbuttoned her shirt and began to sneak up on him…

"The chambermaids' sweet names I call  
It's a wonder I don't fall  
My mind's not on my work at all  
When I'm AAAAA!!!!"

Tenten had shoved her ample, umm, bosoms into Sasukes face, promptly getting his attention and almost sending him into cardiac arrest due to shock.

"AAAAAAA!" Sasuke fell over, breaking his banjo and the chair he was on.

"oh, good, I have your attention now" said Tenten, pulling out her notebook.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH! YOU BROKE MY BANJO AND oh crap!" Sasuke hid the banjo behind his back. If word of this got out he'd be branded a hick Ninja. "How much did you see?"

"Just you singing a dirty song"

Sasuke swore to himself, Tentens mouth was as big as her (censored, you get the idea). He knew he was in trouble.

"well, what do you want girl?"

"I just wanna know how your sex life was with Orchimaru, was it hot? Kinky? Did Kabuto join in?"

Upon hearing her ask these, Sasuke started to vomit merely at how disgusting the thought of him and Orchi. After he was done throwing up, he responded

"GOD NO!"

"are you sure?"

"YES! I did NOT have sex with Orchi!"

"Uh huh, so you were saving it for after marriage with him?"

"NO! I would never have sex with that freakin creep! Not in a thousand years!"

"darn"

"its not like he didn't try though, Every time I went out on assignment and came back, some of my underware was missing from my drawers. Not to mention he makes all his ninjas use a public shower. that was creepy"

"Uh huh" Tenten started to scribble away about Sasukes disturbing training

"the worst part was, one night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and for some reason, Kabuto was sleeping in my bed next to me"

"Hey, that sounds Kinky!"

"Not for me" Sasuke responded, disgusted "he wasn't wearing pants. Why cant I just live my life without going through all these traumas? Seriously, first my (insert 15 word sling of swear words) brother freakin kills everyone, than I get tied up with Orchimaru and his band of freaks, than I get back to Konoha and Rock Lee tries to snuggle with me (insert shiver). I seriously hate this town, and huh?"

Sasuke looked around, Tenten had already left.

"Soooo weird…" Sasuke muttered to himself

* * *

_Wow, Sasukes pretty nice guy. First he gives me a new dirty song to sing, than he tells me about how him and Kabuto slept together naked in the same bed. He really helped me out. The nex person on my list was a pretty hard person to interview, but I tried anyway. _

"So, how are you, Mr. ummm, Mog?"

"Kupo! Kupopo!" said Mog

Tenten had somehow tracked down mog, and they were currently inside the ramen shop conducting the interview.

"that's great to know" she said, pulling out her pen and paper "anyway, whats a sex life for a moogle like?"

"Kupopo! Kupo kupo pop ku kupo! Ku (censored for using incredibly vulgar words in mooglese) Kupo!"

"wow, that's the kinkiest thing I heard in a while" said Tenten writing it down

"Kupo!"

Even though Tenten had no idea what he just said, she guessed it was something hot and wrote it down.

"so lets see, you use a combination of peanut butter and whipped cream! Very interesting."

"Kupo?" said mog, confused at where the heck she got those

"yeah, its really kinky, nice going moogle"

"Kupo kupo! Kupooooooooo!"

"huh? I cant understand you, WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO?"

Mog realized at this point that Tenten couldn't understand him. He sighed than gave her a message she was sure to understand, than walked away.

"HEY" yelled Tenten, pointing at Mog as he walked away "that moogle just gave me the bird!"

* * *

_How rude. All I wanted to know how moogles churn each others butter, and he gets all offended for some reason. Must be a moogle thing._

_Oh well._

_After Mog left, the guy whos name I forget walked in. You know, the guy who is dating the chick from the party that attacked me. _

_I think his name was Chicagomaru, or chicamu, oh, Shikamaru, that's it._

"So, Chicagomaru…." Said Tenten, pulling out her notes

"Shikamaru" he said, annoyed, taking a sip of Root beer

"Super, anyway, lets talk about you sex life, honestly, whats it like (censored) to censor the mean chick"

Shikamaru was so surprised by what she asked he spat out his drink. Don't worry, he didn't hit Tenten, he hit Ino in the back of the head, who was in the booth behind Tenten.

"Why the hell do you wanna know?" said Shika, shocked and embarrassed

"cause I'm doing some writing, anyway, is it kinky, do you have handcuffs and rope and stuff?"  
"Ewwww, where would you get that idea?"

"Cause shes always bossing you around, and putting you on leashes and stuff"

Shikamaru started to turn red, and bang his head against the table. Did everyone in the village think the same thing? If they did, Shikamaru would never be able to live it down. He lifted his head up and answered, quite embarrassed by what he was going to say.

"uhh, I don't know quite how to say this….but….."

"what?" said Tenten, quite eager to hear what he had to say

"I'm, a" Shikamaru said something else, but he mumbled off

"A what?"

"I'm, a virgin"

"whats that?"

Not surprising.

"you don't know what a virgin is?" asked Shika, surprised by how big of a slut she was

"nope"

"Okay, me and Temari have not have sex. A virgin is a person who hasn't had sex, and that's me!"

Shikamaru looked quite embarrassed when he said this. It didn't help that Tenten got giggly when she heard the news.

"Oh my god"

Shika looked really annoyed that she seemed to find this funny.

"oh my god, hehehee, how long have you two been going out?"

"about, ten or eleven months" he said, looking the other way

"oh geez, and you haven't had sex with her? Oh geez, I've gotta say this, chicagomaru, that's just sad."

"no its not"

"yeah it is, you're a disgrace to men"

"are you going to keep insulting me until I leave or what?"

"no, I just wanna know, why haven't you put the moves on her yet?"

"she scares the ever loving hell out of me, you've seen her"

"oh, good point" said Tenten, packing up her stuff "thank you for your cooperation today, good luck with getting (censored)ed."

"yeah, whatever"

* * *

_That was an interesting conversation, I learned what a virgin is, and that Shikamarus never had sex with Temari (10 months, that's sad). Also, after he left the shop, Temari attacked him, yelling something about him talking to the sluty whore._

_I wonder who that whore was, I didn't see anyone whorish in the Ramen shop._

_Whatever._

_Oh, and I've written my porn novel. So, here mr. Journal, is my very own, and first, dirty novel.

* * *

_

_**The ultimate porno novel extraordinaire super happy pie fun sexy time of yummyness fun happiness!**_

_**Written by Tenten**_

Note from the author. Due to the incredibly graphic (and detailed) manner of Tentens novel, it will not be shown here. Instead of thinking about sex, you will think about puppies.

PUPPIES!

But, if you wish to still read Tentens erotic novel, run, don't walk to your local borders and pick up your very own copy of "The ultimate porno novel extraordinaire super happy pie fun sexy time of yummyness fun happiness!".

_Wasn't that jus the coolest thing you ever read ever? Man, this is so cool, I think I might start a series. It'll be like Make out paradise!

* * *

Yup, Tentens very own chapter. I figured that everyone loved the antics of Konohas most famous slut. On a side note, this was probably the hardest chapter for me to write. To be quite honest, its very hard for me to write the perverted stuff that Tenten talks about. It seriously is, I'm not very educated in the subject of pervness (My GF is)._

Oh, its CHRISTMAS TIME! I freakin love this time of year. The snow (Chicago area gets a crapload of that), the presents, the family, the presents, the christmas spirt, and the presents. But, this year were having finals before Christmas break, so I will have very few oppertunities to write. and as soon as I'm done with Finals, I'm going straight to Arizona to visit my relatives (Scottsdale kicks ass). Anyway, I dont know if my Aunts computor is going to allow me to update at all, so I might not get a chance to update there ethier.

Oh well

Oh, something else. Everyone knows Shika and Temari are a couple, but I've never seen any kind of proof of that. None of the Naruto fan sites even say anything about it. The only reason I know is because my GF told me. Just thought I should mention that.

And once again, another thought.

"why does only one member of the Sound four use sound?"

Thankupo!


	36. Chapter 36, Holy crap, a mission!

**Chapter 36**

Holy crap, a mission!

In the village of leaves, the genin were gathered in the office of the hokage. Tsunade had called together the nins for some kinda important announcement. The nins were lined up in front of the kage as such, Sakura, Neji, Tenten, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Shikamaru, Lee, Gaara, Kimimaru and Itachi (don't ask).

"Listen up you little bastards, I've got missions to hand out to you punks"

Wow, missions, that's never happened before.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?" yelled everyone at once

"that's right you little brats, I'm handing out some assignments. Now build a bridge and get over it" she said, with a real sour attitude

"Uh, whys is it that you haven't given us any missions for so long now?" asked Sakura

"whats with the blind guy?" asked Neji

"More importantly, why are Gaara and Kimi here? Aren't they from different villages?" asked Shika

"_ohhsss nooosssss" _wailed Kiba _"Itachisssss here, thissssss isssss not good_. Ahh, come on me, its important to make new friends. _Willsssss you jussst ssssshut up and let me posssseessssss you already?_ No, remember the sharing song? We need to share my body"

Everyone started to bicker and argue, except for Shino. He was standing next to Itachi, and decided to pay him a compliment.

"Those are some seriously nice sun glasses Itachi"

"thanks" Itachi responded "Kisame got em for me, he stole them from Tobi"

"SHUT UP!!!!!" yelled Tsunade, going into that pissed off form of hers.

Everyone stopped talking and snapped to attention (Itachi was facing the wrong way). Tsuande pulled out a bottle of tequila and downed half of it in one gulp. When she was done, she continued.

"your assignments, are, uhhh, oh! Theres two assignments, and there will be two teams, team one, your assignment is to locate and bring back out AWOL teacher, Iruka"

Everyone groaned, they knew that if they brought Iruka back, school would resume as usual.

"the second assignment, hic, is the second team has to find, and dispose of Naruto"

"don't you mean Return Naruto?" asked Shino

"no, im pretty sure, hic, I said dispose"

"excuse me, Tsunade?" asked Sakura "why is Itachi here?"

"oh, hic, him. He has to serve community service, he shot three people in a movie theater. We'd put him in jail, but he also shot Ino, so hes getting a his sentence reduced to community service"

Rock Lee yelped at this news, he was going to be teamed up with the guy who shot him, talk about bad luck.

At the end of the line, Gaara was silently giggling. He knew that him and Lee would have to be on the same team, he just knew it. They would depart, and have to share a tent, all alone in the middle of the woods, and then they would (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and (censored, god, this is the most overused joke ever) and then (censored, seriously, this joke needs to die) and then (censored, oh god, the pain) and then things would get kinky when (censored maybe next time I should just stop censoring this) what the whip was for, you don't wanna know.

"your teams are, on team one, the Iruka search team, is going to be lead by Shino, and is going to be Kimimaru, Tenten, Hinata, Kiba, and Lee. Team two is going to be lead by Sakura, and is going to have Gaara, Neji, Itachi, and Shikamaru"

Upon hearing the teams, Neji and Gaara both started to cringe. They were both not on the same team as their slightly unnatural love interest.

"you may, hic, notice that your teams have been made so that certain pairings can't happen. I made this so no one here will have inbred kids…" she said, looking at Neji "and that no one here will sand rape any taijutsu specialists" she said, looking at Gaara

Lee, as usual, didn't get what she meant.

"uh, sensei? If you don't want Gaara to do anything with this taijutsu specialist, than why did you put him on the same team as Neji?"

Everyone sighed, Lee was incredibly slow at picking these kinds of things up.

"anyway, you little bastards have only 1 hour to prepare anything before you leave. Team one will be heading to the land of stones, and team two will be heading to the land of clouds."

"why the hell would Naruto go to the freakin land of clouds?" asked Neji

"I don't know, just get the F!!! Out of here before you spoil my drink!!!" she angrily yelled, finishing off the bottle of tequila

Everyone filed out of the room, with the exception of Itachi, who shuffled off in the wrong direction and fell out an open window.

* * *

**1 hour later**

**Team 1**

Shinos team was at the north exit out of Konoha, everyone on his team had showed up so far except for Kiba and Kimimaru.

"Shino" Hinata said, turning red "why isn't Zelos participating with these missions? Hes a Konoha ninja too, right?"

"Quite honestly Hinata" Shino said, not looking, "I hate that Carrot top. I don't care what happens to him"

"oh" said Hinata, looking crestfallen "I was just hoping he'd be here, hes pretty nice to talk to"

"Doncha worry Hinata!" yelled Tenten, giving Hinata a hug from behind "I'm here for you! We can spend lots of time together, doing lots of things that I wrote about in my new novel!"

"You wrote a novel Tenten?" asked Lee "that's great, how many copies have you sold?"

"only four so far, but I'm hoping for more!"

Suddenly Kimimaru showed up, he was all packed, but for some reason, was carrying a cooler.

"hey everybody! Are we ready to go?"

"not quite" said Shino "were still missing Kiba"

"whats in the case?" asked Lee, pointing to the cooler

"ohh, this? it's a super medicine I just found out about. I can take it during battle and it can increase the strength of my body and bones!" Kimi said excitedly "I just learned about it from the nice lady at the grocery store (the one from chapter 5, you know…) it deposits minerals into my bones and makes them super strong!"

"wow, sounds like its pretty powerful stuff, can I see it?" asked Lee, interested in this mystery medicine

Kimimaru opened the cooler, and revealed that his 'super mystery medicine' was actually milk.

"isn't it the coolest? It even comes in 3 different medicine strengths, 2 percent, 1 percent, and Skim!"

Everyone there sighed and wondered if Kimimaru had started taking drugs. This was soon distracted by the arrival of Kiba.

"_whooo, I think we ssssssssshould sssssssshare a tent with Kimi and Lee! Then we'll have ssssssssome young boy yaoi fun! _Noooooo! I don't wanna! _Sssssssshut up! We will have yaoi ssssssome fun, and then crussssssssh these foolssssssssss and desssssssstroy konoha! They will all tasssssssste Chaosssssssss!!! _What does that taste like?_ It tasssssstessssss like Mountain dew, which is dissssgusssssssting_. No, mountain dew tastes great! All it does is stunt your growth, buts its worth it for all that caffeine you get!_ Sssshut up you fool!! _Oh come on! It does stunt your growth! I know this one girl who took it, and now shes a midget! _Ssshut up!"_

Oddly, no one on the team found Kibas little conversation with himself the slightest bit odd. What they DID find odd, was that the moogle was gone.

"hey Kiba, what happened to your fluffy friend?" asked Hinata "The little one with the wings that like to show the finger at everyone?"

"yeah! I talked to him, and he gave me the bird too! All I asked him was how his sex life was like!" said Tenten "he is so rude…"

Everyone decided to ignore that last bit.

"Listen everyone, now that were all here, lets go now and get our teacher" Shino said

Everyone listened to their fearless, kickass leader, but Hinata dragged behind, she couldn't help but wonder what happened to Zelos…

* * *

**Meanwhile, At Zeloses pad…**

As it turns out, Zelos was entertaining some guests at his house. He had invited over some of his friends from his homeland of Tehella. (forgot how to spell that)

"Hey Zelos, this town you live in, whats with all the funky buildings around here? Its like the guy who designed them was blind or something" said Sheena

"not a clue, I only came here because the hunnies are plentiful and easy" he said, making himself a drink

"I think the designs are absolutely fantastic!" said Raine, going into her usual 'knowledge' overdrive personality "I must find out more about the culture of this land and its history!"

"you know professor sage" said Zelos, sipping some root beer "I think your sexy teacher aura is hot and all, but it really creeps me out how you can get orgasmic about buildings…"

"Zelos, where did Kratos and Regal go? I could've sworn they came with us" said Sheena, looking around

"the big guy into bondage (aka, Regal) got attacked by some nude guy yelling 'root beer!' on the way over here, and Kratos, ummm, not a blinking clue. I think he might have gone to the wrong country."

"which one?" asked Raine "theres the land of wind, the land of fire, the land of rocks, the land of lightning, and the land of water, he could be in any one of them"

"yeah, you got that right" said Sheena

"hmm, you know the shinobi who founded those countries? They REALLY weren't thinking outside the box when they named their countries, seriously, LAME!" said Zelos

* * *

**Team 2**

In Sakuras team, everyone had already arrived at the south entrance of the village hidden in leaves. Gaara and Neji were upset they weren't in the same squad with their less-than-natural love interests. Shikamaru was glad for this assignment, because his manipulative crazy girlfriend had become more overbearing than ever, and had gotten back to cooking (her new specialty is burnt soup). Itachi was also there, which was amazing, because he had to stop at twenty three different houses to tell him where to go.

Once everyone got settled, Sakura took charge.

"Listen up everyone! I am the leader of this expedition, got that?" she said, in that bossy, mean tone of hers

Shikamaru sighed, there was just no escape, all woman were psycho like that. He started to understand why Hakus gay.

"Our goal is to rescue Naruto! Now remember, I really don't give a moogles pom pom if we get that little fox back! But its our assignment so don't complain! And remember, if we do find him, the person who finds him gets to break one of his body parts as incentive. Its only fair"

Hmm, beat the crap out of Naruto, that was some pretty good motivation for the nins.

"I have a list of things I will not tolerate on our mission, and here they are"

Sakura promptly pulled out a list and started to read from it.

"Number 1, I will NOT tolerate anyone who sings rascal flats on this trip"

Upon hearing this, Gaara cursed his bad luck.

"Number 2, anyone who says a 'your momma' joke will promptly get shot"

upon hearing that, Neji cursed.

"Number 3, anyone that likes country music, will promptly get shot"

While she was talking, Itachi questioned Shikamaru.

"excuse me lad, the mean girl whose talking, how big is the list shes reading off of?"

"mehhhhh, its pretty bothersome, but don't worry, it cant be that long"

* * *

**Three hours, twenty two minutes, and twelve seconds later**

"Number five hundred twenty six, saying that your feet are bleeding is NOT a legitimate excuse to stop working"

At this point, everyone in the party had ethier fallen asleep, or had started to drift off, Itachi held his gun, and pondered the benefits of shooting the loud girl.

"And that's it crew, any questions?"

"uh, yeah, I have one" said Itachi "which one of us is the warrior?"

"excuse me?"

"this is just like final fantasy, you know, theres the warrior, the thief, the black mage, the white mage, monk, and red mage"

Gaara and Neji woke up, and started to listen to Itachi.

"that's the most retarded Idea ever, its like something the moron were rescuing would say"

"nuh huh, seriously, the lazy one could be the white mage, the kid with the emo problem can be the black mage, the pervy guy could be the thief, and the mean girl can be the monk"

upon being called 'mean girl' Sakura hit Itachi in the bells, causing him to crumple.

"see what I mean?" he gasped out, rolling in pain.

"well, what would you be?" asked Shika, bending down next to him

"I, owwwie, would be the blind gun toting ninja"

"can we get going?" asked Neji, getting up "the other group left hours ago"

"yeah, lets go!" said Sakura, motioning them to leave

And thus, group two departed, leaving Itachi alone on the ground, in much pain.

"owwwww, guys? Could you get me an Ice pack? Oowwwww"

* * *

Well, its been a little while, sorry bout that.

Anyways, I'm on 'winter break' as the schools would call it (stupid democrats). Things in the southwest are super, except that its been freakin raining in the freakin desert (what the crap). but besides that, super duper. My decemberween gifts were pretty cool. I got some shirts, a new game (final fantasy III) and some dvds (the producers, robot chicken, and the fullmetal movie). I havent seen any of the movies yet, i've been kinda busy. oh, and I got an imaginary nintendo wii (its imaginary, because since there sold out, my folks havent been ablt to get one yet).

Anyway, the next 2 chapters will be about the thrilling adventures of groups one and two (not imaginative names) and thier respective goals on thier quests. I'll start working on that as soooooooooooon as my vacations done (not till january something or nother).

Oh, on a side note, I just recently learned how to download Naruto chapters on the web (not easy with dial up, but possible). And I've gotta say, Ive totally butchered the personalities of akatsuki. Seriously, its like I ran over thier personalility with a semi. But besides that, I have a new favorite character, my top three are Haku (he still rocks, hes my favorite crossdresser of all time). Rock Lee (sorry bout making you go through all that yaoi). And the new kid, Tobi (he totally kicks ass, he hasnt even really fought anything, and he still kicks ass).

Thankupo!


	37. Chapter 37, a hole in the story

**Chapter 37**

A hole in the story

It was the middle of the night, team one was resting on a hill top that overlooked the vast forests of the land of fire. There were four tents set up. One contained the team leader, Shino, the second contained Kiba, cause no one wanted to share a tent with him. The third contained Hinata and Tenten, with Tenten constantly trying to have a little 'sleeping bag fun'. The only two awake were Kimimaru and Rock Lee. They were both outside their tents, meandering around. Kimimaru was sitting down, staring at the beautiful full moon, while drinking some of his 'battle medicine'. Rock Lee sat down next to him, and started to stare at the moon too. After a minute he turned and asked him a question.

"hey Kimimaru?"

"yeah Lee?"

"Why are we here?"

Kimi leaned back, and continued to stare at the moon.

"that's a question man has been asking for a long, long time. Are we here because all of this is predestined and were all just tiny cogs in a big machine? Or are the result of billions of years of evolution and trial and error? Is there really a god that is looking out for us, or is god an image fabricated by foolish humans, afraid of the unknown? Are there secrets of life and the world we haven't discovered or will never understand? Will humans ever learn the difference between good and evil? I don't know, I've been pondering that for a long time too….."

Rock Lee blinked a couple of times, trying to comprehend Kimimarus answer. Than he responded.

"what?"

"didn't you hear me?" asked Kimimaru

"well yeah, but, you misunderstood my question, what I was asking is, why are we out here on guard duty, while the other guys get to sleep?"

"oh, well, I guess its because its our turn for guard duty"

"right, that makes sense, I guess. But what the hell was all that stuff about evolution and destiny?"

"uhhhhhhhh, nothing"

"umm, is there something you wanna talk about"

"not really" said Kimi

"cause the questions on life I want answered is, how come were on this hill, in the middle of nowhere, looking for a sugar high derelict teacher, when we could be training or finding Haku and Tobi?"

"I don't know, maybe the fifths been abusing morphine again"

"and that's another question I have, how come they sent Iruka-sensei to a rehab center for his root beer addiction, but not Tsunade for her beer addiction? Cause seriously, when she operated on me for my gunshot wound (courtesy of Itachi) she was already on her 7th beer"

"so?"

"it was freakin 10 in the morning!"

"okay, maybe she does have a problem, but look at you, its obvious that she did a good job, right?"

"not really, I think she damaged some of my nerves" Lee said, looking at his hands

"what do you mean?"

"well, every time I try to move my right pinky finger, I get an erection"

Albeit that was pretty disgusting, considering that he IS wearing a skin tight jumpsuit (reveals everything), Kimi couldn't resist a joke.

"don't you mean a **boner**?"

"AAAAAAA!!!!" screamed Rock Lee, sick of Kimimaru and his boner jokes

"besides Lee, shes got the drunken fist talent for surgery. You should be quite aware of what someone can do drunk"

"if your talking about what happened at the final fantasy musical, that was a freak isolated accident."

"what about the time you got drunk and we found you naked and handcuffed to a chocobo?"

"Shut up!"

Rock Lee swung his hand to hit Kimimaru. Halfway through the swing, he stopped and looked down at his pants.

"oh no, I moved my pinky….."

* * *

**The Next Night**

Once again, It was night time, and two saps were stuck outside on guard duty. It had been a strenuous day for the nins, first they encountered a blue haired man in a skimpy t-shirt and handcuffs (tenten liked that guy) who claimed he was looking for Zelos. The next guy they came across was Zabuza. The guy looked terrible, like a pack of Moogles tore into him (to find out what this means, check the miniseries).

Anyway, tonight, everyone was asleep except for the 2 nins on guard duty. Tonight, it was the fearless leader Shino, and the shameless slut Tenten. Shino was trying to meditate while Tenten (on a suger high) was going bonkers.

"hey hey hey hey hey hey hey Shino!" Tenten said, jumping up and down, trying to get his attention "try to guess how much Mountain dew I drank!!!!"

Shino ignored her and went back to meditating. Unfortunately for him, Tenten didn't give up.

"come on Shino" she whined giving shino a hug "I'm bored, your boring, lets just get right to the part where we have hot kinky sex"

Shino ignored this comment too. He had lots of hunnies back at Konoha, not this Minnie mouse panda slut.

"come on! Come on come on come on come on come on come on! Lets do it!" she whined, shaking Shino Left and right, trying to get his attention

Shino finally snapped out of his meditation, he turned his head, looked right into Tenten eyes and said his answer.

"no"

"wahhhhhhhhhhhh! Shino! You don't care about me, do you?" Tenten said, crying

"nice try, that ones not going to work on me" said Shino, going back to meditation

Tenten layed down on the grass frustrated. Shino sure didn't wanna have sex with her. She decided to annoy him until he caved and he would start to (censored) her.

"Heyyyyyyyyyy Shinoooooooooooo" she said

"yeah?"

"do you like high school musical?"

"no, it's an inaccurate depiction of high school and a cultural disaster"

"no its not! Its super cool! In fact, its sooooooo cool, that I think I'll start singing it!"

Shino turned his head. She couldn't be serious about that, could she?

Tenten started to sing at the top of her lungs.

**"Its hard to believe, that I couldn't see,  
****that you were always right beside me"**

Shino covered his ears. Tenten responded by singing louder.

**"thought I was alone, with no one to hold  
****But you were always right beside me"**

As Tenten continued her singing, it continued to grow more and more warbly, so it eventually became SOO bad, It sounded like Akamaru on helium and crack.

**"This feelings like no other, I WANT YOU TO KNOW!!!!  
****I've never had someone, who knows me like you do,  
****The way you,** ow!"

Shino had gotten up and hit Tenten in the back of the head.

"if you don't shut up right now, I swear to god I'll set you on fire"

* * *

**And The next night**

That's right; Shinos team had made their way out of Konoha. They had made their way to the land of yellow submarines (you know, in the sea of green). The night guard for their first night in the land of yellow submarines was Kiba and Hinata, who were rapt in a intelligent discussion.

"Well Kiba, I don't think your right" Hinata said to Kiba "when I am reading a fanfic, I think the author shouldn't post information about themself at the end of a chapter"

"Why not Hinata? They wrote the fanfic, they should have every right too!"

"That's what I think Kiba" she said, blushing a little

"Why?"

"Well, there are a few reasons, number one, the people read the fanfic for the actual story, not the author. If they wanted to know about the author, theyd go to his page, or read their blog. Secondly, I think that sometimes the author might ruin upcoming events in their story by mentioning them at the end of a chapter. And finally, I believe that most of what they post isn't even interesting."

"You really don't?"

"No, often times its just stuff they think is interesting, but really isn't, and theres nothing worse than an author that does nothing but make bad excuses for not posting often enough"

"Hmm, I hear you opinion, and even though it is different than mine, I respect it." Suddenly, Kiba twitched a little, and said "_Like Hell I do, I will rip out your heart and usssssse it asssssssss a bicycle pump, muhwahhahhahaha!"_

"What was that Kiba?" asked Hinata

Kiba twitched again, and than smiled

"Nothing, anyway, I think Authors should say that after a fanfic"

"Why do you believe that?"

"these authors have the right to do anything they want with their stories, if they want them to rant about the panama canal being built in 1942, that's their right. If they wanna make stories with lame plot twists like someone taking a magic potion, and someone from Amestis taking their place, that's their right. Or inventing fake diseases, like _badenglishdubious syndrome_. And sometimes the author thinks that the people reading his work would like to know a bit about the person behind the fic"

"hmmmm, you make a good point Kiba"

"_yesssssssss, I love it when the author dragsssssssssss on at the end, not only doessssssss it dissssssssssappoint the people reading, It can be usssssssssed to ssssssssssend them to Chaossssss! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I alssssssso like knowing if the persssssssson writing the fanfic is a sssssssssssstrong, healthy boy, HAHAHA!"_

Needless to say, that last sentence freaked Hinata out. Upon saying that, Kiba twitched again, and covered his mouth in horror!

"uhhhhhhh, Kiba" Hinata stammered "I have a question for you, are, ummm, you gay?"

"Of course not Hinata" Kiba said Frantically "I'm fine, great! I love boobs! Its just that, I think that Orchimaru has taken over my bod…._Heart! Yessssssssss, I think that Orchimaru is the hottesssssst man alive. I would jussssst love for that fifty year old man to get into my pants…_AAAAAA see? It did it again!" He said Frantically

Hinata started to inch away from kiba, who was starting to sweat profusely.

"no Hinata, I'm possessed! I'm not really gay! I seriously love girls and boobies! I love your boobies! You've just gotta believe me!"

Wow, Kiba knows how to make a bad situation worse.

"Uh, Kiba" said Hinata, edging away "I need to, ummmm, not be here" Hinata took off like a shot, leaving Kiba alone and frustrated.

"you know other me, you don't really have to chime into my life like that. _Ohhhhhh, but I mussssssst, and with your, ssssssucculent young body, I can get all the young boy booty I want! _No! I'm not going to allow that!" Kiba stood up and started to shake his fist to the sky "I will prove to everyone I am not gay, and I do not miss Akamaru! I will do it, just you see!" he yelled

Meanwhile, Rock Lee had gotten out of his tent to go to the bathroom and saw Kibas little monologue. He shook his head and said.

"that guy seriously needs to stop eating the pills he finds on the ground"

* * *

**The next night**

It was the last night before they reached the destined area. The next day, they would reach the location of the AWOL teacher and bring him back.

That night, once again, Kimimaru and Rock Lee were on guard duty again. They were both laying on the grass, and staring into the stars. Kimimaru was sipping some of his 'super' medicine, when suddenly Rock Lee had a question.

"hey Kimi?"

"yeah?" he responded

"theres this question that's been buggin me for a while. Can I ask you it?"

"For the billionth time!" Kimimaru said Angrily "I'm NOT GAY! I just like hangin out with pedopiles, and going topless, and painting my nails, and broadway. None of those things make a person gay. Geez…."

"no, its not that"

"oh, what is it than?"

"its about Neji" Rock Lee said, Looking up at the stars "you know for the longest time, he said that everything was predestined? And that all are lives are planned?"

"yeah"

"Than Naruto made him see that nothing is predestined like that, and you can challenge fate"

"yeah so? Whats the question?"

"what if it was Narutos fate to challenge fate?"

"that's what you call a royal screw over" Said Kimi, opening up another container of 'medicine' "Life finds funny ways to screw us all over like that. Naruto was born retarded. Sakura was born bitchy. Hinata is a complete ditz. Tenten was born perpetually horny. I was freakin born with an undisclosed disease that's going to kill me. And Sasuke, well, he was born fine, but his asshole brother went and killed his whole family and royally messed him up to the point where hes okay with being the lapdog of a demented snake pedophile."

"what about Itachi? He wasn't messed up in any way"

"hes blind"

"oh yeah, duh"

"yeah"

* * *

**The next day**

**11:45 A.M.**

**Outside Mt. Baku**

The nins were finally at their destination. According to the info Tsunade got, Iruka was somewhere on this mountain. Mt. Baku was a foreboding mountain. Covered in plants and shrubbery in some areas, and nothing but gravel in others. Due to its poor traction, it was hard to move up the slope.

Shino started out in front, with his team of faithful nins following shortly behind him. As he moved up, he scanned the side of the mountain, looking for possible hiding spots. As he looked up, he felt the odd feeling that he had felt since he arrived on this mountain, that something was wrong. Shinos Ninja sixth sense was going like crazy, indicating him to something was coming up. Shino decided it was best to press on till he found further evidence something was wrong.

As he was scanning, he noticed something up ahead.

"just a second" he said, Moving forward to take a look at said object "found it" he said

"found what Shino?" asked Hinata, walking next to him

"this"

Shino moved the shrubbery aside and revealed a hole in the side of the mountain, which revealed a long winding cave. It was disguised in a way that made it very difficult to find if you didn't pay close attention.

"hes, in there?" asked Lee, pointing inside

"probably" said Shino

"are we going in?" asked Kimi

"yeah"  
"oh boy!" said Tenten, jumping up and down "I just love holes! Theres just something About them that's just so appealing to me!"

Everyone ignored Tenten and climbed into the cave.

"why does everyone keep doing that?" She said, pouting. Tenten sat down on the ground "I'm not going in there till you guys admit that you like holes as much as I do! Hmmph!" Tenten sat crosslegged, with her back to the cave "hehe, holes, they're so much fun to explore, and to go in and out of, and to stick hmm?"

Tenten looked down the hill, there was something coming up the side. Tenten leaned forward and squinted. It was a ninja of some kind, but she couldn't make out who.

"Hello down there!" she yelled "wanna explore my hole with me?"

* * *

**Inside the hole**

"whew! What the hell is that smell?" asked Kimi as they walked through the cave "it smells like death wrapped in moldy bacon!"

"smells like Naruto after he ate the chili ramen with the rotten egg" said Rock Lee, who was starting to turn as green as his outfit after inhaling the rank smell.

Hinatas face was turning bright red, as if she was afraid to breathe, or complain about breathing. Kiba, with his incredibly sensitive nose, was on the verge of passing out.

"we must keep moving on" said Shino, who ignored the smell and kept moving forward.

As the group moved forward, the cave started to get darker and darker. Their feet started to make a clinking noise as they moved.

"whats on the ground?" asked Kiba

"probably the skulls of his victims" said Rock Lee

Upon hearing that, Hinata yelped.

"he probably devoured them, then used what was left of them for forbidden jutsus"

"No, your wrong" said Shino

"what makes you think so?" Rock Lee asked

"were talking about Iruka here, the things littering the ground aren't bones, their root beer bottles"

Hinata bent down and picked up a few bottles, looking at the labels, she started to read them out "A and W, Mug, barqs Old time root beer, IBC, Dads root beer, Sassafras root beer, Iruka Sensei sure loves this stuff"

Suddenly, from down the cave, there was a crackle. A crackle so foul sounding, it caused Kiba to pee his pants (literally, he actually peed his pants).

"oh man, I shouldn't have gotten that 128 oz coca cola at that gas station"

"shhhh" said Shino, motioning them to be quiet

The sinister crackling began again, and cause Kiba to pee his pants a second time.

"awwww, dang it, not again"

Lee ran ahead to see what was making the noise. After a few seconds, his voice could be heard giving them his location.

"GUYS! I FOUND HIM! HES UP AHEAD!" Lees voice boomed out "BUT, UMM, I WILL WARN YOU IN ADVANCE, IT IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT"

The other nins behind all gulped and pressed forward, and came into the small cavern that Lee was in. Upon entry, they all gasped in the horrible sight that befell them. There was a single ray of light coming from a hole in the roof of the cave, and that ray of light shined on a pile of root beer bottles the size of a small house. On top of that pile was Iruka, completely naked in the fetal position, drinking a bottle of root beer, muttering 'more…..more….need…..more.."

Needless to say, the young nins were horrified. Shinos sunglasses cracked at the sight, Hinata squeaked and turned red, and Kiba peed his pants again.

"Honestly" Said Lee, covering his nose "what is it with Iruka sensei and taking off his clothes?"

"I can understand that" said Kimi

"Anyone have any pants I can borrow?" Asked Kiba

"wha….what… what are you?" asked the freakish Iruka "wh……wh……why are you here?"

"calm down sensei" said Shino, approaching Iruka "were not here to hurt you"

"Liar" said Iruka, clutching the root beer bottle "you're here to steal from me, your thieves, you're here to steal, my, my, _precious_…….."

"oh for the love of God" said Shino "I'm so sick of that damned joke"

Shino ran up to the top of the mound and Roundhouse kicked Iruka in the face, knocking him unconscious. Irukas unconscious form rolled down the little mound onto the ground in front of Kiba, Lee, and Hinata.

"someone has to carry him back" said Shino "One……two……three….NOT IT!"

"not it!" said Hinata Lee and Kimi

"not, oh man, I don't wanna be it"

"sorry Kiba" said Shino, walking down the root beer mound "the konoha military has a very strict policy about the 'not it' rule"

Kiba sighed and went over to pick up Irukas unconscious form. As he he reached it, suddenly, the light in the cave went out.

"what the arrrrrrgh!" went Kiba in the darkness

There were some struggling noises in the darkness, then the sound of someone running away. After a minute, the light ontop of the cave shown again.

"what the hell was that?" asked Shino looking around

"I don't know" said Lee "but Kibas gone"

"oh no!" said Hinata, turning bright red "Not Kiba! What happened?"

"I Know I KNOW!" yelled a voice from further down the cave. Suddenly, Tenten came into view, coming from the entrance "that thing thing thingie that kidnapped our Kiba? That was Sasgay, he was at the front of the cave, and said something about kidnapping"

"Then why didn't you stop him?" asked Shino

"oh, should I have done that? Yeah, I probably should have" said Tenten

"what are we going to do now?" asked Lee "what do you think leader?"

Shino closed his eyes, and thought for a second.

"heres whats going to happen, Kimimaru" he said, Pointing at him "your going to take Iruka back to Konoha, and tell the fifth what happened"

"all right! I get to carry the naked Guy" said Kimi gleefully

"Lee, since your fast, you need to get to team two, and get them up here as fast as possible"

"uh, don't they already have a mission? They're going to rescue Naruto"

"no one cares about Naruto"

"oh, good point"

"Me and the rest of the team will chase Sasuke and find out what he wants with Kiba. Lee, Kiba, both of you should get moving ASAP"

"Alright sir" said Rock Lee, who suddenly disappeared

Kimimaru walked over, slowly hefted up Iruka, and started to go, leaving Shino, Tenten and Hinata together. Hinata was duley amazed by Shinos incredible concern for Kiba, While Tenten was thinking up ways the three of them could have dirty time fun.

"Shino, I must say" said Hinata, crying a little bit "The compassion your showing, and how much you want to rescue Kiba is inspiring. Its an unselfish act of true friendship"

"friendship?" asked Shino "bullcrap. The only reason I want to rescue him is that he owes me fifty bucks and a Nintendo wii. Now lets move out, and make that freeloader pay!"

Shino left the Cave, with Hinata following shortly behind, wondering how she could've been so off with her guess. Tenten was left in the cave thinking of some ideas.

"maybe we can use handcuffs, hehehe, and and, maybe some whipped cream and, wait" Tenten looked around and noticed everyone was gone "huh, they left me, maybe I should've told them that thing Sasuke said about Orchimaru being inside Kiba. Meh, maybe not"

* * *

I wonder the stuff Kimi wonders all the time. I could write my own freakin book on that philosophy stuff.

Oh, and The bears are going all the way to the super bowl! whoo! And its not optimism, its realism, theres a difference, sorta.

Until next time, Tobi is a good boy! Believe it!


	38. Chapter 38, the sound four, times four

**Chapter 38**

The sound four times four

* * *

**Time warp back into chapter 36, when they got their assignments**

"Rock Lee! I think I'm pregnant!" yelled Gaara "And Its your baby!"

"this doesn't seem physically possible!" said Lee

* * *

**No, I said time warp back, not forward**

"Deidra" said Orchimaru, embracing his akatsuki lover in his arms "I will always love you"

"oh orchi" said Deidra, accepting the embrace "Kiss me!"

(insert very disturbing Orchimaru and Deidra make out scene)

* * *

**Ewww, too far back, that's from before the story started, try a little later**

"Rock Lee! I think I'm pregnant" yelled Gaara "And its your baby!"

"this doesn't seem physically possible!" Said Lee

* * *

**Dammit, that keeps happening, no one likes a plot spoiler, lets just restart this chapter.**

**None of this ever happened…..

* * *

**

**Chapter 38, round 2**

Team 2

Lets go back to right after chapter 36, you know, the part where Team two left.

"Owwwww, that mean guy kicked me in my little Itachi" Itachi wailed lying on the ground.

Sakuras team had ditched Itachi in Konoha, leaving him to wallow in his pain, and more pain.

Eventually, his intense screams of pain attracted another member of his criminal syndicate.

"hey Itachi, whatcha doin?" asked Zetsu, looking at Itachi wallow in pain "Are ya lyin' on the ground? Rolling in pain? I can dig that"

"please, get me an Ice pack" said Itachi, who started to cry a little

"Okie dokey, you got it, you wanna nice hat" Zetsu smiled at him

"no, an ice pack"

"no, I'm pretty sure you said nice hat" said Zetsu

"no, an Ice pack, I'm in pain"

"you need a nice hat cause your vain? That doesn't make a lot of sense"

"no you retarded dandelion, I need an Ice pack because Sakura hit me in the bells"

"you peed on a nice hat cause Sakura went to hell?"

"NO!!!!!!" Yelled Itachi, annoyed by Zetsu "I AM IN TREMENDOUS PAIN!"

"you were struck by a weather vain?" asked Zetsu

"no, just leave me, to, wallow in my intense suffering"

"Okay" Zetsu smiled "I will weave a tree, and follow in tense buffering"

Zetsu walked off, leaving Itachi on the ground, plotting to kill that plant as soon as he could move again. If Itachi had actually put some thought into it, he would've remembered that plants don't have ears.

Luckily, another member showed up to assist him.

"hey Jackass, whatcha doin?" asked Hidan, approaching Itachi

"Hidan? What are you doing in this fic? I thought the author said he wasn't going to write you in because your too new of a character, and relatively unknown."

"yeah, well, that cheap ass author discovered how to read them online, and he put me in cause he thinks my hair is too damn sexy"

"uhhh" said Itachi nervously, looking around "are we allowed to break the 4th wall?"

"oh wait, your right, he might get in trouble, lets stop"

"right"

"so, what do you need again?" asked Hidan

"an Ice pack, ohhhh geez, and I need you to carry me so I can catch up with the others"

"okay, dude, I'll get you something to deal with the pain, but you want me to freakin CARRY you?"

"is there a problem with that?"

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhm yeah" said Hidan

"whats wrong with it?" asked Itachi

"Its freakin queer" said Hidan

"oh, your so insecure" said Itachi "I'm friggin blind, how am I supposed to find them?"

"what the hell did you do with the seeing eye dog we gave you?"

"I killed it, I mistook it for Sasuke in a dog outfit"

Hidan Sighed "I'm not going to do it"

"Fine, then I'm pulling rank on you" said Itachi

"f—k you Itachi"

* * *

**Meanwhile, on the voyage of the mean chick**

Sakuras troop was on the road northerly on their mission to find Narutard. Sakura led the group, with Neji in the middle staring at Sakuras butt the entire time, Gaara and Shikamaru were in the back, in a deep, serious conversation.

"So Gaara" said Shikamaru "your telling me that Lee is your wuv muffin, and your going to get married and have five beautiful red haired thick eyebrowed ninja kids?"

"yup!" said Gaara cheerily "its all planned out"

"and your plan is not bothered by the fact that its physically impossible for two men to have a baby"

"nope, not at all" Gaara responded

"and how are you going to get around that physical impossibility?"

"male pregnancy"

Shikamaru was shocked, even more so than the time he learned that Temari was into the rough stuff.

"male pregnancy" Shikamaru said

"is there an echo in here?" asked Gaara

"where the hell did you get Male pregnancy from?" asked Shika

"there in fanfics all over the web, its soooo awesome!" said Gaara, all giggly

"uhhh, I hate to break this to you, that's not even close to possible"

"what?" Said Gaara shocked "but, the internet said its possible!"

"the internet is the breeding ground of emos, preps, pedophiles, and Fangirls; you cant trust a single thing you see on it" said Shika

"hey jackasses!" yelled Sakura, from ahead "your infringing rule number 39! No talking about Male pregnancy!"

"I hate that stupid rule" mumbled Gaara

"and were here!" yelled Sakura, ignoring Gaara

The nins (Sakura, the leader; Neji, the perv; Shikamaru, the whiney guy; and Gaara, the yaoi guy) had arrived at the luxurious mountain resort 'the sounds four' a luxury resort, run by the sound four (they couldn't come up with a better name). The resort had super first class rooms, a indoor pool shaped like a ninja throwing star, a ski slope mountain range, all with that Colorado Aspen feel to it.

"were stayin here!" said Sakura

"what?" asked the male nins all at once

"we cant afford this!" said Neji

"we need to find Naruto" said Shikamaru

"I cant go to a place like this without my wuv muffin! I wanna go hot tubin with him!" Whined Gaara

Everyone ignored that last comment.

"were staying here with the money Tsunade gave us for our trip, If she asks if we could find Naruto, we'll just say hes dead" Sakura said, starting to walk in

"and what if we tell her that, and then later he comes back to town?" asked Shika

"then we finish the job"

* * *

**In da lobby**

"weeeeelllllcome!" said the resort hostess, Tayuya "how can I help you?"

"we need two rooms, one for the lady" said Sakura, pointing to herself "and one room for the smartasses" she said, motioning to the male nins

"alright! Two rooms, checked. Kidomaru will take your luggage"

The 8 limbed Ninja suddenly came from the ceiling and grabbed all their bags with his hands.

"follow me to your rooms folks" said Kido

Sakura followed Kidomaru to their room, while Neji and Gaara were eager to get naked and use the sauna. Leaving Shikamaru alone in the lobby.

"how bothersome" he muttered

Shikamaru looked over at the hostess, Tayuya. She was leaning on one arm and looking at him funny like. For some reason, Shikamaru thought that he recognized her. She started to look at him with a funny google eyed look.

"uhhh, hi?" said Shikamaru uncomfortably to her

"hiiiiiii" she said slowly

Tayuya slowly moved around the counter, and walked right behind Shikas back.

"you know" she said "your kinda cute"

Shikamaru gulped. He had nothing but bad luck when it came to women, and this one wouldn't be any different.

"also" she said, starting to slowly rub the back of his neck "I get off work around 9, maybe I'll, give you a visit" she said giving Shikamaru a kiss on the cheek.

Shikamaru started to tremble, what was this woman trying to do? Tayuya started to walk away, before she left, she turned around, and blew Shikamaru a kiss.

Shikamaru could've sworn he had a miniature heart attack as she did that.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Konoha**

"My spider sense is tingling!" Yelled Temari

Temari was looking through a magazine for shock collars (Shikamaru got the latest one off) when suddenly, she felt a tingly feeling. She had felt this feeling before, wait, SHIKAMARU WAS CHEATING ON HER!

She started to curse to herself. It figured as soon as the collar went off he'd make his move. She needed to find him, and stop him now. She grabbed her fan, and headed to the house of the only person in Konoha that she knew could help her…..

* * *

**Back at the Resort**

"LEROY JENKINS!" yelled Neji, as he cannonballed into the giant pool.

Neji began his usual perv activities, trying to snatch the girls bathing suits, taking pictures of girls changing, and putting a candy bar at the bottom of the pool (caddyshack style).

Meanwhile, sitting on of the beach chairs, Gaara was watching across the poolroom and watched Sakura napping in one of the chairs. He was contemplating about her and his wuv muffin. She was a road block, a hindrance of his love. She was an obstacle that need to be removed. He briefly thought about his past attempts, anything from loony toons wasn't going to work, he needed something new. He looked around the pool area. There was a hot springs area in the snow outside. An aerobics studio, and, he noticed, a tanning bed salon. A wicked grin slowly spread across his face. Giggling in that creepy way of his, he grabbed his wuv muffin doll and went off to put his plan into action.

* * *

**That night**

Shikamaru laid out on his bed, getting ready to sleep. It had been a bothersome day for him. Gaara had disappeared, and the last time anyone reported seeing him said that he had headed to the tanning room, carrying a green plushe doll with black hair, and muttering wuv muffin. Neji had gone streaking across the hotel wearing nothing, and ended up getting locked outside naked in 10 degree Fahrenheit weather. And Sakura had gone to the spa, complaining about how Lee hadn't made a move yet. Shikamaru sighed, this was all so bothersome, he just wished he could just go home. Actually, he thought again, Temari was back home, and he didn't want to get within a thousand feet of her.

Shikamaru sighed, life could really suck sometimes.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Shikamaru looked at the door. Someone was there. It had to be Neji, and Shikamaru wasn't too keen on letting the nude, frozen solid ninja in.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Shikamaru got up and answered the door.

"what do you want Neji? I'm think that maybe you should HOLY CRAP!" yelled Shika

The person standing in the doorway, to Shikamarus surprise, was not Neji, but Tayuya. What surprised Shikamaru more, was that she had nothing on but a bathrobe.

"hi" she said walking in "I was, thinking about you"

"w-w-what?" Shikamaru started to stutter, backing up

"yeah" she said, getting closer to him "I was thinking, maybe, you'd like to find out what's under this robe" she said, slowly undoing the knot around her waste.

"AAAAAAA!!! No! I wouldn't" Shikamaru said, panicing, waving his arms around. "I have a girlfriend, and she'll kill me!"

"well" said Tayuya, finishing untying the knot "I'm just going to have to make you forget about her"

As she said that. Tayuya's robe fell to the ground, revealing her feminine wiles to Shikamaru.

"ahhhh" Shika moaned, staring at Tayuya's assets "what would Zelos do?"

* * *

**What Zelos was doing**

"you want me to do what?" asked Zelos

"Simple" said Temari "I want you to help me find my bastard boyfriend and bring him back"

"please tell me your f—king kidding me" said Zelos, eating some puppy chow "your boyfriend finally grew a pair, learned he could do much better than you, and then took off to (censored) some new chick. If you haven't noticed, I do that a lot myself, and I applaud that kind of stuff"

If Temari didn't need Zeloses help, she would've killed him right there. She calmed herself down, and asked again.

"your going to help me, whether you like it or not"

"well, I don't like it, and I'm not doing it" he responded, finishing the puppy chow

"like hell you aren't" said a girl voice

suddenly, emerging from Zeloses basement, was Sheena (if you don't know who this is, go to your local Gamestop and buy Tales of Symphonia. Run! Don't walk). Zeloses pushy ninja friend. She was carrying a box that was labeled 'potions and viagra'.

"I don't care if you are a lecherous Chosen" said Sheena, putting the box down "your going to help her, and I'm going with you"

"and what if I say no?" Zelos asked Sheena

"I'll tell everyone that your Ladys man attitude is really a charade and that your really a depressed, fragile, wimpy emo?"

"fine, I'll help her, dammit" Zelos said, defeated

Temari smiled, she didn't know who this new girl was, but she was starting to feel she was going to like her.

* * *

**Outside the hotel**

It was about 9:30, on the same path the nins had taken earlier. Hidan was giving Itachi a piggy back ride because Itachi would only get lost out there. It was about 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and Hidan was starting to get cold. Itachi, had been asking the same question over and over, which he asked every time he went on a road trip.

"are we there yet?" asked Itachi

"If you ask me that one more time, I swear to god I'll rip out your skull and beat you to death with it!" yelled Hidan, who was getting really pissed off

"that's not physically possible" said Itachi "and how do you know where were going?"

"my eyes, unlike yours, actually work, dumbass" Hidan muttered

"oh come on, this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened in Akatsuki, remember when Deidra and Orchi broke up?"

* * *

**Flashback, Itachi's tales of Akatsuki**

It was about two weeks after the breakup between Akatsuki lovers Orchi and Deidra. Orchi left Akatsuki with the local village tramp Kabuto, leaving Deidra with a bad case of a broken heart. He had spent two weeks in bed, crying nonstop about how could his lover do this to him. The rest of Akatsuki needed him back in action, and desperately. Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, Kisame, and the leader were gathered outside Deidra's room.

"we've agreed" said Kakuzu "Kisames the one to do it"

"agreed" said Everyone

"Hey! Why am I the one who has to jump on this grenade?" asked Kisame indignantly

"you know how it works in Akatsuki" said the leader "we use the 'not it' method, we all said Not it, and you were last, its up to you"

"what about Tobi? Don't we usually shovel this kind of crap on him?"

"no, hes with Zetsu, remember? They're at E3 right now"

"crap" Kisame muttered

"Get in there or we'll turn you into sushi, move it" said the leader

Kisame grumbled and walked into Deidra's room. The room was completely dark, save a lone candle on the nightstand. As Kisame walked over to the sniveling lump on the bed, he looked around. The room was littered with used tissues, and Pictures of Orchimaru. On his stereo, Rascal flats was playing, on a repeated loop.

Kisame sat down next to the figure on the bed. Deidra looked terrible, he was doing nothing but crying, and it caused his mascara to run. He sniffed and looked up at Kisame, more tears welling up in his eyes.

"leave me alone" he said, tearing up some more "leave me all alone! I'm UGLY!" he yelled "and FAT! AND UNLOVED! I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND NEVER KNOW TRUE LOVE!" he cried

Kisame sighed, what he was about to say would undoubtedly be the worst thing he would ever say in his life.

"Deidra?" said Kisame

"sniff, sniff, yeah?" he said

"I………." Kisame said, not able to spit it out

"what?"

"I……..think……………" Kisame put his hand to his forehead, he was going to regret this

"what?"

"Deidra……I….Think…………..Your………..pretty"

"what did you say?" asked Deidra  
"I think your pretty!" yelled Kisame

"you really think so?" asked Deidra, who was starting to smile a bit

"yes, I do"

Outside the door, Kisame could hear snickering. One of the people outside fell over laughing.

"you guys are Assholes!" Yelled Kisame

"oh Kisame! Thank you!" yelled Deidra, flinging his arms around Kisame "I will love you till the end of time!"

"I didn't agree to this!" yelled Kisame, trying to get out of Deidras death grip hug.

* * *

"Oh, I remember that" said Hidan "thank god I knew about the Not it rule"

"me too" said Itachi

"E-e-e-excuse me" said a voice from the darkness "c-c-c-could you h-h-h-help me?"

"whos there?" asked Hidan, who started to look around

"I remember that voice" said Itachi "it must be Gandhi !"

"shut up numb nuts" said Hidan "its coming from the side of the road"

Hidan turned to see who it was. The lone figure stumbled out from the bushes. The person had Pale skin, and was completely naked.

"c-c-c-c-ould you help me?" asked Neji, shivering terribly and trembling "I think I have frostbite on my man area"

"hey wait" said Itachi "now I know that voice, its Shikamaru!"

Hidan sighed, everyone Itachi came into contact with seemed to end up either dead, or with incredible misfortune.

"where are the other losers you hang out with?" asked Hidan

"f-f-f-follow me" Said Neji

"wait kid" Hidan said, walking up to him

"w-w-what? I need to get i-i-inside, I think I have H-h-h-hypothermia"

"no its not that" Hidan said, throwing him a towel from Itachi's bag "cover up your thing"

"oh, y-y-yeah" Neji said, wrapping the towel around his waist "f-f-follow me"

Neji walked up the path, shaking the entire time, with Itachi and Hidan following. After a while, they reached the resort they were staying at.

"they loc-c-cked me outside" said Neji, talking through chattering teeth "we ne-e-e-d a new door

"Itachi" said Hidan, putting Itachi on the ground, facing the building "do that thing you do"

"you got it" said Itachi, making a hand gesture "AMERATSU!" Itachi yelled

Suddenly, a hole was incinerated into the side of the building. Around the edges of the hole, a dark flame burned.

"Holy crap with crap sandwiches in a canoe!" yelled Neji "what the F—k was that?"

"my super special awesome super move" said Itachi

"how'd you get it?" asked Neji

"It goes to the Naruto character with the most fangirls. I, have the most for some reason"

"if you two dumbasses are done chatting" said Hidan, who picked up Itachi again "lets go inside and get this little creep some pants" he said, motioning towards Neji

"oh, right"

As they walked through the hole in the wall into the building they were approached by Kidomaru, who was horrified by what he saw.

"you guys burned a freakin hole into the building?" he said Yelling as loud as he could

"serves you right for lockin us out" said Hidan Ignoring him

"we unlocked the doors five minutes ago!" said Kidomaru

Neji walked over to the door and checked it.

"hey! They were unlocked, silly me" he said

"well, whatever" said Hidan walking towards the way of the elevator "that way is funner cause now someone has to pay for it"

The group left Kidomaru to cry over the extensive property damage, and went to the floor where their rooms were. Neji led the way down the hall to their room.

"okay" he said, right outside their room "this is it"

As Neji was about to open the door, Itachi made a comment.

"hey, you guys ever hear that thing about when you lose your sight, your other senses become keener?"

"yeah" said Hidan

"well, I'm hearing something strange coming from the room"

"you must be hearing things" said Hidan

Neji opened up the door and they went inside.

"turn on the lights" said Hidan

Neji flipped the switch and the lights went on.

"what the crap" said Tayuya

"oh crap!" yelled Shikamaru

"OH GEEZ" yelled Neji, pointing at Shikamaru and Tayuya on the bed "Now that's kinky!"

"What is it with you kids and taking off your clothes?" asked Hidan shielding his eyes from the view.

"wheres my Camera?" asked Neji, looking around the room

Hidan grabbed Neji and pulled him out of the room.

"oh come on! I wanted to see how that ended" said Neji as he was dragged out

Hidan closed the door behind them.

"oh geez, I hate this place" sighed Hidan "akatsuki sure sucks sometimes, right Itachi? Uh, Itachi?" asked Hidan looking around

"uh, dude" said neji, sitting on the ground "hes gone"

"crap!" said Hidan, looking around "where could he be?"

Neji pointed to the door.

"where do you think? You must've dropped him from the shock of seeing Tayuya naked" Neji pointed out

"oh crap" said Hidan

Hidan went back into the room grabbed Itachi on the ground and pulled him back. As he did that, more screams came from Tayuya and Shikamaru.

"ouch" said Itachi as he was pulled back "what was happening in there?"

"you honestly don't know?" asked Hidan, shocked that Itachi could be so dense

"all I heard was some funny sounding noises, and some girl saying some dirty things"

Hidan sighed, he was going to have to spell this out to him.

"Shikamaru, was in there, having sex with Tayuya"

"he was?"

"yeah"

"wow" said Itachi, shocked "never knew that that guy had the shikas to do something like that. But what about the guy hes dating? Won't he get jealous?"

"he's dating the sand chick, you smurf tard" Hidan said, sitting down "any in any case, I'm not sleeping on either of those beds"

"I'm going to ask them if they want another person to party with" said neji, walking towards the door

Hidan got up and grabbed him by the neck

"no, your going to get some pants on, then direct me to the nearest bar"

* * *

**Back in Konoha**

"so that's it, fifth" said Kimimaru, talking to Tsunade in her office "I brought back Iruka to the ANBU station, Kiba got kidnapped, and Sasuke did it"

"wow, sucks to be you" said Tsunade

"and furthermore" added Lee, standing right next to Kimi "we need the units you sent to find Naruto to help us track down Kiba"

"this Is a very difficult situation" said Kimi "can you spare some troops?"

"well" Tsunade said, leaning back in her chair "theres a few things about your story that don't make sense"

"like what?" asked Lee "it all makes perfect sense to us"

"well, the problem is, you guys said you've been gone for a few days, yet you only left yesterday morning"

Rock Lee and Kimi looked at each other and gulped.

"might you explain?" asked Tsunade, a small grin spread across her face

"uhhhhh" stuttered Lee "bad plot device?"

"meh, I'll buy it" she said, pulling out some scotch "Lee, you go find Sakuras team, and get them to transfer some people. Kimi, you find the only available person in the village to go directly to aid Shino"

"what do you mean only person?" asked Kimi "don't you leaf ninjas have lots of secondary characters I can use? Or some generic people?"

"wellllll" Tsunade said, staring down her list "Anko's on mission, Genmas suffering major depression because the bears lost the super bowl, Hayate's dead (the 45th time), Shizunes just had a mid life crisis, Kakashi's went to an anime con, Kotetsu and Izumo are both too pointless to help you, Choji disappeared a few days ago, no one gives a rats ass about Ino, Kankuro is busy with a 24 marathon, Konohamaru is dead, ebisu quit to become a pornstar, MoogleBaku is too busy writing crappy fanfics, Asumas got lung cancer, Kurenai got food poisoning from Temaris cooking, Zelos and Temari left to do a mission, Yamato needed to update his wardrobe, Sai is too busy being a prick to help you, and Jiraya is busy running for governor of California."

"wow" said Kimi

"yeah wow" added Lee "wait, who the hell is Konohamaru?"

"whos the only one left?" asked Kimi

"that annoying guy" said Tsunade, spinning her chair so her back faced the nins "that keeps asking me If I want to see pictures of his daughter"

"oh"

"now get out of here before you spoil my drink!" she yelled

* * *

**Special segment, Comments answered super fast!**

With hosts Rock Lee and Sasuke emo guy

Lee "Hiya folks, it is I, Rock Lee, konohas squirrely ninja, and my associate, Sasuke somethingchia"

Sasuke "what?"

Lee "you know, remember we were chosen to respond to some of the comments that were made for this fanfic?"

Sasuke "people actually responded to this pile of crap? Why would they waste their time?"

Lee "I don't know, but were running out of time, first comment please!"

**Pft.  
The Chicago Bears can kiss my ass.  
Good chapter.  
****Sent by- lallyzippo**

Lee "that's just plain cruel

Sasuke "they did lose the superbowl dog brow"

Lee "so? I know the reason why they lost"

Sasuke "is it because Rex Grossman is a total idiot?"

Lee "no! its because their team wasn't named after a squirrel"

Sasuke "…"

Lee "what?"

Sasuke "I cant believe I lost to you"

Lee "I think that a lot of Pro football teams need better names!"

Sasuke "really, what would you rename the patriots?"

Lee "the ninja turtles"

Sasuke "the packers"

Lee "the avians with bird flu"

Sasuke "the broncos?"

Lee "the super duper steroid horses"

Sasuke "the dolphins"

Lee "the knife wielding killer dolphins"

Sasuke "The saints?"

Lee "the kung fu monks"

Sasuke "the chargers"

Lee "the lightening Lee super ninjas"

Sasuke "you know, it would be much easier to just assume your just an idiot and stop naming teams…"

**hehe yup i won lol and yes tsunade is god she is the big lesbian in the sky the very well endowed(sp?) lesbian in the sky please don't asj how that works  
****Sent by- Wake me up When the World ends**

Lee "why is the author posting a comment that his girlfriend wrote?"

Sasuke "cause hes a spineless kiss ass"

Lee "your very mean, is that why so many chicks dig you?"

Sasuke "probably, and as for this 'big lesbian in the sky' thing, I kinda like the sound of it"

Lee "me too, I'm not really sure why. But anyway, since the topic of girlfriends has come up, its that time of year again. That's right fellas, its valentines day.

Sasuke "I hate that freakin holiday"

Lee "yeah, we know. And to show how much we care, were going to get a list of things the fellas can get their sweethearts for the international day of love"

CANDY  
FLOWERS  
HEART SHAPED CARDS  
A MARIACHI BAND  
MOTOR OIL  
CHAINSAW  
A RAKE  
A KATANA  
THOSE CRAPPY CHALK-LIKE HEART THINGS  
AN EXTENSION CORD  
A BOEING 747  
A NINTENDO Wii  
CANADA

Lee "give your sweetheart any of these and I guarantee you will win her love!"

Sasuke "…"

Lee "something wrong?"

Sasuke "have you ever talked to a woman without giving your credit card number?"

Lee "fine, if your so smart, then what do you recommend for the fellas to give their girls?"

Sasuke "I'd have to say Yaoi, I'm pretty sure they love that stuff"

Lee "yeah, I wonder why"

**SAKURA DOESN'T HAVE THE BUST TO BE TIFA! I SHOULD KNOW, i was her for an anime con. sakura ia about...an A26, tifa is a F38 custom-made  
****Sent by- Mewy**

Lee "A26? Is that good or bad?"

Sasuke "let me describe that to you in two words, IRONING BOARD"

Lee "are you insulting her?"

Sasuke "no, but I'd like to see that Tifa chick, F38, geez, that's like, the largest floatation device ever"

Lee "well, this Mewy person said something about a con, I think Mooglebaku went to one of those once"

Sasuke "yeah, he did, and about ten seconds into the con, his group ran across some middle aged men dressed as Japanese schoolgirls"

Lee "wow, that sounds awful"

Sasuke "things got worse for him, besides the ridiculous prices of everything, one of the girls in his group kicked him in the face with steel toed boots"

Lee "that poor bastard"

**FOFLMAO! I love the nickname Gaara gave Lee! Wuv muffin! Tee-hee! keep writing! Btw, You need to add more of tsunade! She rules!  
****Sent by- Prodigus feldspar**

Lee "that's what Wuv muffin means!?!?! Me?"

Sasuke "geez, I've only been in this fanfic since the play, and even I knew that"

Lee "well, what does wuv muffin mean? And whats wuv mean?"

Sasuke "…"

Lee "what?"

Sasuke "I cant believe I lost to you"

Lee "you know, you've been really mean to me ever since I got drunk and did that nude snuggle with you"

Sasuke "and can you guess why?"

Lee "welllllll, yeah, I guess so…..onto the last comment"

**Nice chappie! Luffed this one! And, yaoi is a good thing. Not a bad thing. So, therefore, everytime a yaoi is made, three puppies and two kittens are born healthily, angels sing with joy, and the next Naruto episode moves closer to the Kakashi Gaiden and the end of the fillers. Therefore, more yaoi is needed! w00t! Go GaaLee! squeals fangirlishly  
-Atari  
****Sent by- Atari Atagashi-chan**

Lee "this was a pretty long one"

Sasuke "what the hell is Kakashi Gaiden?"

Lee "who knows, and whats GaaLee?"

Sasuke "uh, I think it refers to GaaraXLee"

Lee "what does the X in that mean?"

Sasuke "…I really hate you"

Lee "I hate you too, buddy"

Sasuke "whatever, and what's with that yaoi thing at the end of every chapter? It makes for a very lame joke"

Lee "yeah, well, what does GaaraXLee mean again?"

Sasuke "hey, would you look at the time, we have to go!"

Lee "but…"

Sasuke "to all you readers out there, remember, send some more comments, and the other losers from this series can answer, maybe, sorta, yeah. Believe it!"

* * *

This Chapter took a long time to write mostly cause its the longest chapter to date also. I've been pretty busy with alot of things, such as Turnabout, Homework, the super bowl, ACT prep, The legend of Zelda, my new obsession with the BLEACH series, 24, my crappy computor, valentines day, and sickness.

On a side note, i'm thinking about ending this fanfic soon. Its not that i'm out of ideas (ive got plenty of those), its just that its alot chapters (38 encounting).

So, be sure to send lots of reviews for this extra long, extra spicey chapter, which probably bumped me up to a M rating (naughty naughty Shikamaru and Tayuya).

Until next time, Thankupo!


	39. Chapter 39, Yuri, crossovers and Guns

**Chapter 39**

Yuri, crossovers and guns

* * *

"Rock Lee! I think I'm pregnant!" yelled Gaara "And Its your baby!" 

"this doesn't seem physically possible!" said Lee

**Crap, Lets not start this one again**

**Authors note: in this installment of "Don't believe it", all mooglese will be translated, for reasons I don't care to discuss.

* * *

**

Team Kimi was heading rapidly towards the direction that shinos team found Iruka. Team Kimi was composed of three people. Kimimaru (duh) was jumping through the trees ninja style, while Mog (kibas moogle) followed, jumping shortly behind. The last person in the group was Maes Huges, who ran along the ground, panting the entire time.

"puff, puff, Slow, down! Dammit" he yelled at Kimi

"Your out of shape" yelled Kimi from the trees "and why aren't you tree jumping like all the other nins?"

"I cant! How the hell are you even doing that?" yelled Huges to kimi "it doesn't seem possible how the freakin trees here are so big!"

"Kupo kupo kupopopo KU!" said Mog (translation, yes, I agree with the bearded one, it makes no sense)

Kimimaru looked at the moogle jumping behind him. "I don't know what the hell your saying, why are you even coming with?"

"well" said Maes "we were, pant, playing cards, and you interrupted me for a pant pant, mission. He wanted to tag along. Something about rescuing his friend the wussy"

"kupo kupopo ku po! Kupopo kupopopo kupo!" Said Mog (translation, yeah, I gotta rescue that sonovabitch; he owes me a PS3 and a Milkshake)

"I have no idea what you said Mog" said Kimi "but I'm sure it was a beautiful statement about your deep friendship with Kiba"

"Kupo kupopo ku" Responded Mog (translation, yeah, go with that you freakin fruitcake)

* * *

**In the woods**

It was the day after Shikamaru and Tayuyas little 'fun fest'. Temari had forced Zelos to use his magic to help her find him.

"find him faster you red haired freak!" yelled Temari "I sense hes happy right now! And that Can't be good! Whenever a man is dating a girl, hes never happy unless hes cheating on her"

"you've got a messed up idea of the ideal relationship" said Zelos, scouting ahead for tracks

"yeah, hurry up Zelos" said Sheena, right next to Temari "I want to help her extract her revenge"

"First of all" said Zelos turning around, looking pissed "I'm working as fast as I can, secondly, Shut the F--- up both of you, thirdly, why the hell are you here?" he asked Sheena "this Fanfic has way too many characters already, its too hard to keep track of The Naruto losers and the crossovers are too hard to keep track of already."

"shut up! No one asked for your opinion!" yelled Sheena, going into her angry chick form

"Suck it!" said Temari "and get back to tracking them!"

"F—k you both!" yelled Zelos angrily "you both suck! Were out here, in the middle of the woods, all alone, and your both not making out! I'm not helping either of you two broads unless I see some makie outie"

"fine!" yelled Temari, turning to face sheena

* * *

**Nearby**

Rock Lee was tree jumping tree to tree in usual ninja fashion. His tracking skills brought him out this far, by recognizing the smells of Neji's Ax body spray (that's pretty strong stuff). He had also picked up the scent of Puppy chow for some reason, but he wrote it off to the gum drop bushes. Suddenly, Lee stopped and started to look around. He had just heard a strange noise, nothing quite like anything hes ever heard. Being the curious little squirrel he is, he decided to find what this noise was. Lee headed off in the direction of the voices.

"I wonder, why does this puppy chow smell get stronger as I go this way?" Lee thought to himself

Suddenly, Lee stopped on a tree branch to get a look around. He looked down at a small clearing and to his surprise, he saw Zelos, eating a bowl of puppy chow, and intensely staring at something.

"that explains the smell" Lee thought "but whats he looking at?"

Lee cocked his head to get a look, and to his surprise, he saw Shikamarus girlfriend, and some foreign girl making out. This was so surprising (and hot) that Lee completely fell out of the tree onto the ground.

"YUURRRRRRIIIIIII!!!! GERONIMO!" yelled Lee as he fell

Lee fell down next to Zelos, who was so intent on watching the girls that he didn't notice the green ninja right next to him.

"Okay" said Temari, stopping the kiss "I expect that there will be no more complaining from you now"

"yes sir" said Zelos, giving a joke salute "I will lead the way"

"whos that?" asked Sheena, pointing to the unconscious Lee on the ground next to Zelos

"beats me" said Zelos, picking the unconscious Lee up "but Lets bring him with, maybe we can get some hostage money from his parents later"

* * *

**At the sounds four**

Inside the bar (run by Sakon and Ukon), Hidan, Itachi, and Gaara were drinking their problems away with some sweet, sweet root beer (theres no underage drinking in this fanfic, with the exception of Lee).

"hey Itachi" said Hidan, taking a sip of Root beer "did you know that they don't call them quarter pounders in Europe? They call them a Royale with cheese, its because of the metric system"

"wow, thats cool and all Hidan" Responded Itachi "but what do they call the super happy Ramen special?"

"they call it a pile of Japanese Sodium noodles"

"is that metric?"

"no"

"hey guys?" said Gaara, butting into Hidan and Itachis incredibly pointless conversation "I know that you guys in Akatsuki have 'other teamly' ideals, so would you mind telling me some ways for me to get my green lover to like me?"

"The only person in akatsuki that's gay is Deidra" said Hidan "and hes in love with the sushi retard"

"did a girl just ask that question?" asked Itachi, looking around "please tell me it was a girl"

"my plan to kill Sakura failed" continued Gaara "instead of frying her like an egg, the tanning bed gave her the perfect tan. I just know that whore is going to use her evil feminine charms to brainwash my precious wuv muffin, I just know it!"

Itachi and Hidan were a bit speechless by the gay red head.

"uhhhhhhh" said Hidan

"please make him stop talking" said Itachi

"Como estan bitches!" yelled Zelos strutting into the bar, getting a seat next to Itachi "whatcha loosers doing?"

"plotting the perfect murder" said Hidan, incredibly annoyed that Zelos walked in "now scram before we test it on you"

"ahhh, what? You got blue balls or something? Jealous of my incredible gigalo skills?" said Zelos, grabbing Itachis root beer

"the only person I know that has blue balls is Kisame" said Itachi feeling around the bar table"where'd my root beer go?"

"anyway" said Zelos, ignoring the fact that he just stole from a blind guy "I'm here cause your buddy Chicken Wuss (I haven't used that in a while) cheated on his boyish girlfriend, and they made me track him down to this location"

"so?" said Gaara

"well, on the way here, we ran into the green guy with the crazy ass hair, and he told me what happened to the other team. Itachi" Zelos said, facing him "did you know that your gay emo brother kidnapped that dog guy?"

"Hes still alive?" asked Itachi, facing Zelos "I thought I killed him at our hideout when I incinerated his head"

"no" said Hidan, laughing a bit "that was Deidra, you incinerated his head, and his eyebrows never grew back"

"f--- the other guy without eyebrows!" yelled Gaara Lunging at Zelos and grabbing him by his collar "what did you say about a green guy?"

"the guy with the huge eyebrows with a crush on the pink chick" said Zelos "and get your hands off my light red shirt"

Hidan got up and grabbed Itachi and started to leave "you two freaky Redheads can do all you want, were going to find the pink haired chick and find out what were doing from there.

"wheres my root beer" moaned Itachi as he was carried away.

Gaara ignored the pair leaving and went back to interrogating Zelos.

"my wuv muffin is here?" he said Frantically "where is he?"  
"last I saw him" said Zelos, finishing Itachis root beer "he was talking to Sakura"

Gaara hit his head against the bar table.

"hey!" yelled Sakon from behind the bar "I just got that polished! Don't ruin it!"

Gaara kept his head down, making sniffling noises. Zelos felt a little bad for him and decided to ask him what was wrong.

"dude, you okay? Do you have a crush on Sakura and that Lee guys hornin in on her?"

Zelos couldn't have been more wrong.

"do you have time to listen to a story of love?" asked Gaara, lifting his head

"hell, I'll listen to the spice girls if you buy the next round"

* * *

**Upstairs**

Temari was scouring the resort, looking for her cheating boyfriend. Sheena was tagging along, being her helpful, bossy sidekick. She found which floor he was on, but not the exact room. In Temaris rage, she decided to do the only thing she could do, break into every room there and find where he was. Temari went up to the first room and began barging on the door.

BAM BAM BAM!!! "OPEN UP YOU SON OF A (censored, too many swears in this chapter)" she screamed

The door creaked open, and the person who opened it was not Shikamaru, but a short boy with golden eyes, blonde hair, a red cape, and a metal arm. Further in the room was a talking suit of armor.

"hey lady" said the short kid "I'm Edward Elric, I'm not the son of a (censored) your looking for, but me and my brother Alphonse are looking for a man named Maes Hughes, could you help us fin…."

Before Edward could finish, Temari slammed the door in his face.

"THIS (censored) FANFIC HAS TOO MANY CHARACTERS ALREADY!!! NO MORE (censored)ING CROSSOVERS!!!!" she yelled

A few doors down, Sheena barged on another door, only to have it opened by a teenager with crazy Jet Black Hair, round glasses, a lightening bolt scar, and a funny British accent.

"Hello bird" he said "I'm Harry Potter! Could you tell me where…"

"WE DON'T NEED ANY BRITISH PEOPLE!" yelled Sheena, slamming the door in his face.

On the other side of the door, Harry mumbled to himself. "This county is full of bloody wankers"

* * *

**In Shikas room**

Shika was cowering under the bed, whimpering like a dog. He had sensed a holy terror was coming this way, he just didn't think it would come so soon. He had It all planned out, him and Tayuya were going to go to Vegas, get hitched, and then they would move to Nano country to avoid Temari.

"Honey" said Tayuya, sitting on the bed, above Shika, smoking a cigarette "will you stop being such a pussy and actually face this rotten bitch?"

"you don't know what shes like" Moaned Shika, whimpering "shes from the 6th circle of hell, and shes pissed off, the last time she was this mad, I didn't even cheat on her"

"why the (censored) were you dating someone like her again?" asked Tayuya

"I don't know" moaned Shika "some horny fangirls jumped to a conclusion, I cant help it"

BAM BAM!!! "I KNOW YOUR IN THERE YOU CHEATING BASTARD!!! NOW COME ON OUT SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!" yelled Temari from outside the room

"I'm going to die…." Moaned Shika, giving up on life "tell my teammate Choji that he was my best friend, and that I loved him like a brother. And Tell Ino that's shes a bithc, and that I always hated her, I always hated her the most…"

"gawd" said Tayuya, walking towards the door "thank god your cute, cause you sure as hell aren't brave"

"no! don't do it! She'll kill us both!" yelled Shika from under the bed "escape out the window!"

"don't worry, I'll take care of it" said Tayuya

Tayuya went to the door and opened it, to find Temari, mad as hell.

"IS MY LAZY ASS CHEATING BOYFRIEND IN THERE?!?!?" she screamed so loud, it could shatter paper

"hello" said Tayuya politely "my name is Orihime Inoue, and I'm from the bleach anime series"

Temari scoped Tayuya up and down, she had red hair, and her boobs were kinda big…Orihime, Temari thought to herself, from bleach, that made her a crossover character….

"WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE CROSSOVER CHARACTERS!!!" she yelled, slamming the door, and moving on

Upon seeing that his mistress had tricked his evil girlfriend, Shikamaru crawled out from under the bed.

"God I love you" he said

"yeah, I know Hunny, now take your pants off, I have this cool thing I wanna do with my flute…."

* * *

**The Bar**

"so let me get this straight" said Zelos, on his 6th root beer "your in love with Rock Lee, a dude, cause you spent your whole life ignorant of what love was. Then he teaches you love indirectly, after you try to kill him. And then you fall in love with him, but he is in love with the pink chick, and is completely ignorant of your love for him. And you have tried many times in the past to make him fall in love with you, but all have failed, and usually end up with him either being physically maimed or mentally scarred."

"yeah" said Gaara "that's pretty much it"

"and now you want Rock Lee to make love to you so you can become pregnant"

"yeah"

"and your not at all bothered by the fact that your both men and that's a physical impossibility"

"yeah" said Gaara

"well, I have a question for you, fellow redhead" said Zelos, finishing his root beer "why the hell did you have to ruin my life by telling me this?"

"well" said Gaara, looking at his root beer "you have a reputation of being…..well…..a manwhore"

"yes? And your point is?" asked Zelos

"well, can you help me?"

"hmmmm" said Zelos, scoping Gaara from head to toe "you know, I've helped some people here before…..but nothing, ummmm…..other teamly……but, I think I can help you"

"you can?!?" asked Gaara, lighting up

"yep, anything for a fellow redhead, but, theres going to be a catch to this"

"what?" Asked Gaara, perplexed

"well" said Zelos, pulling out the knapsack labeled 'big bag o potions' "your biggest problem is quite simple, the reason Gaara doesn't love you is……he's simply not gay"

"okay" said Gaara "whats the solution?"

"hehe" said Zelos, looking at a strange, aqua colored potion "I've used this baby whenever I wanna get some inside pics of the girls locker room…..good times" he said, reminiscing

"what is it?" asked Gaara, getting up to take a look at it

"this" said Zelos "is a magic potion, if you drink it, it will…

* * *

**Aint cutoffs a bitch?**

**In Rock Lees hotel room**

Rock Lee was lying in his bed at the inn. Things had gotten pretty darn depressing for him since he arrived. As soon as he got there, he went to go find his girlfriend, only to find that she was completely tan. While Rock Lee thought this was great, she looked so beautiful, he felt too intimidated by her beauty to tell her about what happened to Shinos group. Rock Lee cursed at his own weakness, how could he be so spineless?

Rock Lee sighed to himself, he asked Zelos to explain the current state of things to Sakura for him, but he had the feeling that he had simply gone off to the hotels bar (bingo).

He felt depressed, he was a super awesome cool ninja based entirely based off of Bruce Lee, and he was too cowardly to face the woman he loves. Rock Lee started to roll around on his bed, hitting himself in the head. This was not the time to be depressed, and he needed to get his mind off it.

KNOCK KNOCK!!!

Rock Lee sat up, there was someone at the rooms door. He pepped up, could it be Sakura? Had she come to his room to talk to him alone?

KNOCK KNOCK!!!

Rock Lee got up and cautiously walked towards the door. He was telling himself to calm down. Rock Lee slowly opened the door.

"uhh, Sakura, its nice to…." Said Rock Lee as he opened the door.

To Rock Lees surprise, the person at the door was not Sakura. It was the most beautiful woman Rock Lee had ever seen, She had long red hair, no eyebrows, a sand gourd on her back, and a red tattoo of the Kanji symbol for love on her left temple (those are popular these days). To complete this vision of beauty, she was completely naked and had a Bottle of root beer. Rock Lee could perfectly see her nice curves and lady parts (not writing the real words).

Rock Lee started to stumble back and stutter, he had problems talking to beautiful woman, and now, there was a beautiful woman, in the buff, in his hotel room! Rock Lee stumbled back some more and fell down onto the bed.

The mysterious red head giggled, and gracefully walked into the room, closing and locking the door behind 'her'. 'She' walked over to the bed and put the root beer on the ground, and then started to climb on top of Lee and the bed, who started to stutter like crazy.

The 'girl' giggled at Lee shyness, 'she' was finally going to have 'her' wuv muffin, 'she' only hoped that Zelos could distract the pink haired bitch long enough….

* * *

**In the Bar**

Zelos was distracting Sakura, Hidan, and Itachi, in the bar, doing his best to stall some time for Gaara.

"….and that's the story of how I saved Hanukah!" said Zelos

"I had no idea that Hanukah was in July" said Itachi, amazed at Zeloses story "this changes everything!"

"you know, I don't think that there is a Hanukah Harry" Said Hidan, annoyed at Zelos "and what was the relevance of that part about the playboy mansion?"

"oh, that?" said Zelos "I just wanted to rub in your face that I'm that much cooler than you"

"Your Story was completely full of Shit" said a tan Sakura, leaning back in her chair "I'm more interested in what happened to Shinos group, was Kiba really kidnapped?"

"uh huh" said Zelos

"who told you this?" asked Sakura, her head resting on her arm

"uhhhhhhhh" said Zelos, stuttering for words, how did Gaara describe his man crush? "The Muffin man?"

"Your Lying" said Sakura, standing up "what are you hiding?"

"nothing" said Zelos, panicking a little "your being Paranoid?"

"what's going on?" asked Itachi to Hidan

"Zelos is going to get pummeled by the mean girl" grinned Hidan

"the mean ones a girl?" asked Itachi surprised "I thought it was another gender confused person, like that Haku kid"

"how could you even tell he was gender confused?" asked Hidan "your freaking blind!"

"oh, I could tell" said Itachi "I could smell it"

Hidan briefly pondered what the Hell Itachi was smoking, but was distracted by what happened next. Sakura leaped at Zelos, grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up, pinning him against the wall.

"TALK" She screamed at him "YOUR HIDING SOMETHING!"

"AAAA! NOT THE FACE!" yelled Zelos, trying to cover his moneymaker "I'm too pretty to die!"

"WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" yelled Sakura, raising her right hand, aiming for Zeloses head "WHO TOLD YOU THAT INFORMATION???"

"AAAA!" he yelled "ROCK LEE IS HERE!!!"

Sakura dropped him as soon as he said that.

"what?" she asked, shocked that her boyfriend was here, and he didn't say hi to her. "who did you say?"

"what are you, deaf?" asked Zelos "I said Rock Lee is here, you dumb broad!!"

Sakura kicked Zelos in the stomach and then ran off, Leaving Zelos to wallow in his own pain.

"oh, what was that for?" he asked

"what happened here?" asked Itachi

"Zelos got hosed" Said Hidan "what a limey pansy"

"glad I'm not as stupid as Zelos. Taking on mean Girl? That's just plain stupid" said Itachi, pulling out his gun "and anyways, time to clean ol' peacemaker"

"uh Itachi" said Hidan, slowly walking away "you might want to unload that thing while you clean it, or at least put it on safety"

"oh come on Hidan" said Itachi, waving his gun around "Guns don't accidentally go off like that"

BAM!!!

"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" screamed a voice from outside the bar

"oh my god" yelled Sakon "you killed Jirobu!!!"

"you bastard!" yelled Ukon

"oh crap" said Itachi "Now I have to do more community service…"

* * *

**Kimimaru and company**

After spending the entire chapter running, Kimimarus group decided to take a break. Kimimaru climbed to the top of one of Konohas big ass trees, trying to get a look around in the area. On the forest floor, Maes and Mog were deeply involved in a conversation.

Kimimaru scanned the horizon, in the distance, he could make out Mt. Baku, his destination. Kimimaru wondered to himself, did Shino leave markers for him to follow him? Why would Sasuke kidnap Kiba? And what was the point of asking all these questions?

Kimimaru jumped down back to the forest floor. As he got lower, he heard Maes and Mogs conversation.

"you know, you make a pretty good point little budy" said Maes

"kupo kupo" responded Mog (translation, Damn Straight)

"what were you talking about?" asked Kimimaru

"hey boner" said Maes "we were talking about how Konoha will be destroyed"

"huh?" asked Kimi, expecting a lame subject

"I belive that Konoha will be destroyed from the outside, when Akatsuki attacks the village and the inferior Konoha shinobi get ahilated" said Maes

"uh huh, and what about him?" Asked Kimi, pointing to Mog

"he believes Konoha will be destroyed from within" said Maes

"how?"

"Mog said Konoha will be destroyed when Tsunade hits menopause and goes (censored)ing crazy from hormones"

"holy crap" said Kimimaru "your right! And that can happen any day now"

"kupo ku kupopo ku!" said Mog (translation, hell yeah, that's why I built me a sweet ass bomb shelter, its hormonal insane Kage proof!)

"well, we better get going" said Kimi, turning away "we need to hurry"

"yeah, well" said Maes, getting up "I still think this is a bigger pain in the ass then its worth"

"kupo ku kupopo kupo" (translation, don't worry, we'll all be dead soon)

"thanks for the uplifting thought" responded Maes

* * *

**Special Segment, Where'd he get that?**

With hosts Itachi and Kisame

Itachi "hello, fans of this sub-par fanfic, welcome to another special segment"

Kisame "AKA, filler crap"

Itachi "you know, mooglebaku has received a lot of questions from readers of this fanfic"

Kisame "yeah, and the follow terms came up a lot, Crackfic, Random, Randomness, super special awesome, Weird"

Itachi "lota adjectives there"

Kisame "yeah, well, we figured if we told you where the author came up with these, so we'd stop getting the term crackfic"

Itachi "is that like plumbers crack?"

**NUMBER ONE. THE MANY 'RENT' REFERENCES**

Itachi "uh, I can't read"

Kisame "then why the hell are you here?"

Itachi "cause I'm fanservicing my fangirls"

Kisame "lucky bastard…anyway, it was about RENT, and why it appears so much"

Itachi "oh, well, the Authors girlfriend forced him to watch that movie, and, well, its not the kind of movie he usually watches"

Kisame "yeah, hes more of the Indiana Jones, or Reno 911

Itachi "yeah, anyway, basically, he impleamented a lot of the stuff from that movie into the story, like how Gaara and Haku like it so much"

Kisame "I cant imagine why"

Itachi "yeah, and so, because this was originally a fanfic for his GF, he decided to put in the RENT thing as an inside joke"

Kisame "inside jokes suck, their not funny unless your inside the joke"

Itachi "did you eat mercury as a child or something?"

**NUMBER TWO. THE FULLMETAL REFRENCES**

Itachi "yeah, as the author has stated, hes a fan of fullmetal alchemist"

Kisame "I like the alchemist who takes his shirt off a lot"

Itachi "and that's why you don't have any fangirls"

Kisame "shut up or I'll put super glue on the toilet again"

Itachi "the last time you did that, I was stuck in the bathroom for nine hours"

Kisame "that was funny, and to you fans, The author guy, person, thingie, has one more crossover joining this crap fanfic, and as you can probably guess, this person is from Fullmetal Alchemist"

Itachi "it's a villain"

Kisame "if you give any more plot spoilers, the author is going to write you out of the story"

Itachi "I'm not scared of him, I'm only scared of two things, Evil clowns, and Garfield the cat"

Kisame "…"

Itachi "what?"

**NUMBER THREE. KIMIMARU AND GOD**

Itachi "back a couple chapters ago, Kimimaru was asked a simple question from Lee, misunderstood it, and turned it into a philosophical talk about god and existance"

Kisame "philosophy, for those who don't know, is a high school subject for people who don't have talent"

Itachi "this part was loosely based off of the beginning scene from Red vs Blue, when we first meet Grif and Simmons"

Kisame "all the things mentioned were actual philosophy thingies the author guy actually thinks about"

Itachi "no one cares about that"

Kisame "my mommy cares…"

Itachi "no, she doesn't, and stop lying"

**NUMBER FOUR. KIBAS MANY PETS**

Itachi "if you look back to the first chapter where Lee goes to the hospital, you'll notice that all of Kibas pets have specific names, it goes like this

**Buddy the raccoon**- named after a bulimic raccoon the author met (long story)  
**Garfield the Cat**- AKA, Itachis worst enemy  
**Mog the Moogle**- the loveable furry guy from Final fantasy, the creators favorite animal  
**Will the guinea pig**- the name of the authors girlfriends pet guinea pig, the guinea pig wants to kill the author

Itachi "betcha didn't know that"

Kisame "betcha no one cared"

Itachi "yeah, that too, but whats the deal with the belemic raccoon?"

Kisame "heh, I wonder"

**Authors note, if you want to know about the Bulimic raccoon, Email or AIM me**

**NUMBER FIVE. SHINOS ADVICE TO LEE**

Itachi "this advice which every guy probably gets at least once in their life is the advice a respected friend once told Mooglebaku"

Kisame "its so obvious its almost sad"

Itachi "remember the advice we gave you when you started to date Deidra?"

Kisame "F--- you, I'm not gay, I keep telling you guys that"

Itachi "you can't hide whats inside"

Kisame "and I'm tired of Deidra slipping 'I heart you' letters into my room

**NUMBER SIX. ITACHIS GUN**

Itachi "what about my gun?"

Kisame "its freaking stupid to give a blind person a gun"

Itachi "So? its not like anything bad has happened since I got it"

Kisame "..."

Itachi "what?"

Kisame "anyway, the story behind the Gun is, Back a couple years ago, there was a show on CBS called 'blind justice' which was about a blind cop that solved crimes. As lame as this show sounds, you can ignore the funniness of a blind guy toting a gun at all times"

Itachi "whats so funny about it? People can fight blind with swords and no one questions that"

Kisame "Yeah, but they get years of training. You hear about this show and you want to be just like him"

Itachi "yeah. lets move onto the last one"

**LAST ONE. WHERE DID WUV MUFFIN COME FROM**

Itachi "oh crap"

Kisame "wuv muffin?"

Itachi "oh boy, I don't think were prepared to answer this one"

Kisame "yeah, do you have any idea though?"

Itachi "I think so, the term wuv muffin is what Mooglebaku calls his girlf…."  
POP!

Kisame "hey? Where did Itachi go? Oh crap, I think The author wrote him out of the story…. I told him not to piss him off. Anyway, were out of time, so until next time, Believe it!"

* * *

Sorry about the long wait. I've had soooooooooo much crap in the past month to deal with. I had to write my junior research paper (I wrote about Korea) had to take the ACT, and March 3rd was my 17th birthday (I'm getting real old). I got lots of crazy crap, like a game for a system i dont own (Zelda for the Wii), some crappy shirts (I already own to much CUBS stuff), and my GF got me Guitar Hero II (Shes the sweetest). 

Anyway, yeah, lots of stuff happened in this chapter, and since the next chapter is the big 40 (this story is getting old too), I'm putting in another Character profile block (that'll take up some space).

Oh, and too all the Gaara fangirls/boys, sorry about Gaara new 'look', I just had to try it.

And Until next time...

Tobi is a Good boy, Believe it!


	40. Chapter 40, Names Axel, got it memorized

**Chapter 40**

Names Axel, got it memorized?

* * *

**Naruto**, the main character of the series is ironically not the main character of this fanfic. The main character is, ummmmm, mehhhhhh, Lee, yeah, why not. 

**Sasuke**, this evil emo kidnapped kiba for a perilous plot. His hobbies include gardening, and watching desperate housewives.

**Sakura**, the bitchy pink haired girl. Shes Rock Lee's girlfriend, but is still rather shy around him. Leader of team 2, she decided getting a tan was more important than finding Naruto. She gets the award for being the third most useless person in Naruto. With first going to Tenten and second going to Iruka.

**Lee**, our beloved Spandex wearing hero. Thanks to the potion Gaara drank, he is in love with Gaara, and has completly forgotten who Sakura is.

**Neji**, the second biggest perv in this fic. Almost had his area frozen off due to an incredibly stupid prank. Also has a unnatural crush on his cousin.

**Tenten**, the biggest, nicest, and most contagious slut in this fanfic. Her porn series has become a bestseller across konoha. She also currently has over a dozen STDs and even more fetishes. Currently tracking Sasuke with Shino. The achievement shes most proud of is that shes discovered how to use scrolls to summon sex toys.

**Hinata**, has become slightly more perverted thanks to Hinata. Thanks to Tentens perv guidance, she has attainend the title of creepy girl.

**Kiba**, his body is currently possessed by Orchimaru. No one but Kiba knows this, and hes trying to turn evil orchi good with the magical powers of Yoga. As expected, its failing miserabley.

**Shino**, leader of group one, he was in charge of finding Iruka, but is now in a Kiba rescue operation. He is the biggest ladies man ever, and has more fangirls than Itachi. Shino has created a ninjutsu that is the only known thing in the universe that is more powerful than Chuck Norris, called the Chidori-rasengan.

**Ino**, a real bitch, not much else to say

**Choji**, wide load disappeared recently. He was last seen with a gender confused foreigner

**Shikamaru**, Chicken wuss. He cheated on Temari with Tayuya and now plans to get married to her. Tayuya did something to him with her flute which is worthy of being in the movie 'American pie'

**Gaara**, had a little sex change operation care of Zelos. Is he pregnant? Is he insane? Or is he even a he anymore?

**Temari**, the insane girlfriend from hell. Chasing after her cheating boyfriend.

**Kankuro**, has been phased out of this fanfic. His obsession with dolls got so creepy, the author wrote him out because Kankuro gave him nightmares.

**Jiraya**, the perv nin. Arrested for selling black market Viagra.

**Orchimaru**, The creepy snake pedofile thing has become kinda over played for him. He is currently inside of Kiba, and a struggle for dominance inside the body has been happening. His favorite things to do are spy on boys and putting curse seals on Sasuke

**Tsunade**, the alcoholic Kage of Konoha. Besides her drunken surgery style, she is also known for having hormonal mood swings that have destroyed entire city blocks.

**Kakashi**, lost all of his sanity due to an overdose of Final Fantasy. He now thinks that he is cloud strife and has left to stop the SHINRA company. To accomplish this, he stole Zabuzas sword.

**Anko**, the current distance that Anko must stay from Kakashi because of his restraining order aganist her? 150 ft, which means if she yells loud enough, she can still make him uncomfortable.

**Iruka**, currently in root beer rehab. As part of his 28 days program, he needs to apologize to everyone for his actions while suger high. Its going to take him a while…

**Konohamaru**, who the hell is Konohamaru?

**Hayate**, has died 254 times. The reason why hes still alive? He eats subway. Its that good for you.

**Haku**, Left with Tobi for another Fanfic, might be back soon…

**Asuma**, got lung Cancer, empazema, and cancer of the trachea. That's what smoking does for you. Remember kids, Butt out! Smoking kills, and I'm totally not getting paid to say this.

**Kurenai**, is pregnant. The father is unknown, but shes narrowed down the suspected father to 31 people (ironically, the exact number of Men in this fanfic, excluding Haku)

**Obito**, from the side story. His favorite thing to do is piss off Tobi and to be a perv.

**Rin**, her favorite things include the color pink, reading people magazine, buying clothes from American eagle, and being mean to girls until they develop an eating disorder. If you haven't noticed, shes a prep.

* * *

**The Sound four**

**Tayuya**, Shikamarus mistress. This foul mouthed girl is almost as bad as Tenten when it comes to doing things of a 'bow chica bow wow' nature

**Kidomaru**, commited suicide when he realized his whole character was ripped off a American comic book hero. Oh just kidding, hes just a waiter at the resort.

**Jirobu**, died before he could get any lines. No one cares, he really was only existent so Choji could have ten seconds of coolness

**Sakon**, The guy who works at the bar. His best customer is Kisame. Not much else to say about him. Uhhhh, yeah, nothing.

**Ukon**, technically, if Sakon and Ukon count as two people right? And that would make them the sound five, right? Then theres Kimi, whos the next guy, which would make it the sound six, right? WTF is going on with this group?

**Kimimaru**, hes on konohas side. You wanna know why hes with Konoha and not his friends from the sound four? So do I.

* * *

**Akatsuki**

**Tobi**, the akatsuki wannabe that's on a wild goose chase. Hes been missing for a long time now, but he might be back soon….  
On a side note, Tobi is a good boy

**Itach**i, Sasukes blind older brother. Even though he lacks the ability to see, he still owns a gun (named Broken Butterfly). Current number of people shot by Itachi, 18……..and still rising.

**Kisame**, still not cool enough to have an underlined name. An alcoholic fish that tries to fend off Deidras yaoi attacks

**Deidra**, the prettiest member of Akatsuki. Orchimaru is his ex-lover, but recently, hes began to develop a Crush on Kisame. He chose the robes that Akatsuki wears

**Hidan**, The least popular member of Akatsuki. No one likes him, so he hates them all. He also has an odd obsession of Guitar Hero.

**Zetsu**, The dandelion of Akatsuki. He has incredibly bad hearing. Also the official flower of Akatsuki

**Sasori**, the member of Akatsuki that's got wood. Literally. He also has developed an unhealthy addiction to drinking wood polisher.

**Kakuzu**, The Akatsuki member. A little known fact about him is that he created the 'tentacle rape' genre of anime (you know why). He is on the run from ANBU for doing so.

**Akatsuki leader**, (INFORMATION UNAVALIBLE). The only info that the general public is allowed to know is that the Akatsuki leaders personal hero is Oprah Winnifry.

* * *

**Crossovers**

**Zelos**, the horniest angel you ever met. Also the proud creator of Perv no Jutsu, which allows him to 'see' through womans clothing and see their bra size. His life goal is to establish a secret task force and compile the bra sizes of all the girls in Konoha. Originally from tales of Symphonia

**Sheena**, Zeloses crazy ninja friend. Shes an incredibly bossy broad, who teamed up with Temari, another bossy broad. She has a secret crush on Zelos, but has no intention of telling nim. Originally from tales of Symphonia.

**Maes**, The brigadier General from FullMetal Alchemist. He went with Boner boy to help Shino. Maes's favorite activitites include talking about his daughter, showing pictures of his daughter, and playing with his daughter. Originally from FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST

**Moogles**, the coolest little creatures ever. The only one currently in this Fanfic is Mog, who is the most foulmouthed little moogle you ever met. Mog is capable of speaking human speech, but doesn't. His reasoning is that pretending to be a deaf mute is much more fun. Originally from Final Fantasy.

**Roxas**, The semi main character of Kingdom Hearts II. Roxas is a youth of Twilight town enjoying his summer vacation with his best friends. Unforunately, this vacation is getting weird, as he beguins having the dreams of another person, and the mysterious nobodies are infiltrating his town, looking for him. Upon learning from Axel that Roxas was a past member of the evil Organization XIII, and learning that he is the nobody of Sora, who has lost his memories and he………wait, what does this have to do with Naruto?

**Sweet Naruto in a birchbark canoe that was hard to type. Anyway, once again, be sure to send a review or e-mail thingie for your favorite description**

**Oh, and Roxas kicks ass.

* * *

**

Far North of Mt. Baku, Shinos group was camping out on one of the f-ing huge trees of Konoha. His group had been camped out there for the past couple days, observing a strange fortress like building ahead in a clearing of trees. Shino tracked Sasuke and saw the tracks led inside the fortress. What worried Shino was that this building was heavily guarded by what looked like jonin leveled Sound ninjas. Shinos instincts told him that there were many more inside the building. This made him worried, it seemed like this reminded him of the invasion of before.

"hmmm" Shino thought "This is not good, if Konoha gets invaded again, I might not have time to pick up chicks, this is not good at all"

Shino's thoughts were interrupted by slut nin.

"heyyyyyyy Shinoooooooo" said Tenten, jumping behind him "come onnnnnnnnn, lets do it" she said, trying to put her hand down his pants

"Listen Tenten" said Shino, grabbing her hand "I've told you before, I'm not going to have sex with you, I do not want to have a three way with you and Hinata, and there is no chance that I'm going to do that thing you suggested with the moogle"

"boooooo, you no fun" said Tenten, pouting "how about you in a moogle suit"

"When hell freezes over"

"Ummmm, Shino?" said Hinata, jumping behind him "there are some people coming this way….."

"Yeah?" asked Shino "who are they?"

"ummmmmmm, it's the guy who likes to go topless, the guy who likes his daughter, and Kiba's foul mouthed pet"

"hmmm, Kimimarus coming?" said Shino "that might be good…He was a sound ninja, he might know something about this fortress"

"I have another question about that Shino" said Hinata, blushing a bit "if hes a sound ninja, why is he working with Konoha?"

"Because you touch yourself at night" said Shino

"oh, sorry" said Hinata, turing really red

"Don't worry Hinata" said Tenten smiling "your finally learning! You did your homework!"

"Tenten, What did I tell you about talking?" Yelled Shino

* * *

**Somewhere between the fortress and the sounds four**

"dude, admit it, were f---king lost" said Tobi, looking around Konohas foliage "this whole place is freaking trees and nothing else"

"every time you swear, a kitten dies" said Haku cheerily "besides don't consider it being lost, consider it not knowing where you are"

"you're f---ing stupid" said Obito, landing next to Haku "wheres that damn map?"

"well" said Rin, landing next to Obito "I, like, totally lost it somewhere, cause I, like, had to kill a bug with it, and then, I like, totally threw it away"

That's right, Tobi's motely crew was back in konoha, and picked up two others (if you didn't read the side story).

"Okay morons, circle up" said Tobi. The group got onto one branch in the tree "we've just finished my quest to Join Akatsuki, and I have only one last task to complete, once I do that, I am an official member of Akatsuki. I would just like for you guys to know, that I couldn't have gotten this far without your guys help. I mean it. And once I become Akatsuki, I promise I will misuse my power, and personally kill all of you. Seriously, I f---king hate all of you, and I'll make sure that I'll kill you all in ways that are so sick and twisted, their worthy of that crappy movie 'Saw'…"

Haku started to cry "that….." he said with a sniffle "was beautiful, I love you too Tobi!"

"what? No, you don't understand" said Tobi pissed off "I hate you guys and I wanna kill you all!!!"

"Lets, like, totally Glomp him!" yelled Rin

"Yeah!" said haku and Obito "Its glomping time!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Tobi as they all glomped him

* * *

**Meanwhile, 20 feet away**

The members of team two that were sent to help Shinos group were watching as Tobi was getting glomped to death. The group consisited of the leader guy, Hidan (carrying Itachi), Itachi (now with a fine for killing Jirobu), Zelos (Sakura wanted him out of there), Lee (he's forgotten who Sakura is), and Gaara (with double D's). They had heard somebody up ahead screaming with Pain and decided to investigate. To the groups surprise, they saw Tobi getting mauled by the others in his group.

"holy Crap" said Hidan, watching the scene from a nearby branch "Tobi's alive, I thought you guys killed him"

"no" said Itachi "we sent him on an impossible quest, why?" he said, trying to listen to the screams "is he getting shoved into a wood chipper? It sounds like hes in pain. Lets wait a few minutes to see if he can save him self"

"uh" said Zelos, squinting to see "looks like they're giving him that killer hug fangirls give people, the uhhhh" said Zelos, thinking… "what do you call that unpleasant hug again?"

"A glomp?" asked Itachi

"yeah, that's it" said Zelos

"should we help him my cherry blossom?" asked Lee to his sweetheart

"no wuv muffin" Gaara giggled "lets watch them kill that son of a bitch"

"oh, your so feminine" Lee laughed, giving Gaara an Eskimo kiss

"maybe we should ask them where the hell were supposed to go" said Zelos, jumping down

Hidan Sighed and followed suit. Gaara and Lee totally ignored the others and started to snog right on the branch.

"get a room you little bastards!" yelled Hidan as he went to investigate

Hidan and Zelos landed on the same large branch the glomping was on. As soon as they landed, they broke off the glomp, giving Tobi time to breathe.

"Hey guys" said Haku smiling "long time no see"

"Some longer than others" mumbled Itachi depressingly

"Hey, I recognize you" said Zelos, pointing at Haku "your wuv hunnie, what the hell are you doing out here? I heard you got shafted"

"oh!" said Haku, fanning himself a bit "Mr. Zelos" he said, moving in on him, getting a little to close for comfort "are you here to play the big strong handsome hero rescueing the lost princess in the woods"

"no, I'm not" said Zelos pushing him away "Gaara and Lee are playing that" he said, Motioning behind him

"oh!" said Haku cheerily "so Gaara finally confessed his feelings to Lee? And now their in love?"

"nope" said Zelos "Gaara got a sex change, and Lee thinks hes hooking up with a foxy redhead hes never seen before"

Haku was puzzled by what Zelos just said, but all of a sudden, a girly scream filled the air.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

"oh no!" yelled Obito "Rins in trouble!!!"

"I'm like, right next to you dumbass" said Rin angrily

"I Know, I was just saying that so I could distract you and feel your boobie" Obito grinned, copping a feel of Rins chest

As Rin proceeded to beat Obito within an inch of death, Gaara and Lee came tree jumping and landed right next to the others.

"Who screamed?" asked Hidan to the two "was it her?" he asked, pointing to Gaara

"No, that was me" said Lee, panting "theres some kind of monstor out there" Lee said Shaking "its horrible…."

"what does it look like?"

"I can't describe it" said Lee, quivering with fear "but…..It was the most ugly thing I've ever seen before! I felt my eyes burn as I saw it. Just being in its presence was like hearing the wailing of thousands of souls, screaming in agony…." At this point Lee started to cry like a girl

"oh, hold me wuv muffin" said She-Gaara

As soon as the two held each other, they started to make out, which totally grossed out everyone there.

"what should we do?" asked Zelos to Hidan and Tobi

"Kill the f—king thing" said Tobi

"play guitar hero" suggested Hidan

"ask my fangirls?" asked Itachi

"Make her stop punching me!!!" wailed Obito, between punches to the face

"Oh Zelos!" said Haku "protect me!" Haku yelled, glomping Zelos

"If your hands go below the belt I'm going to beat you into next Tuesday" said Zelos angrily

**Da Duh Duh DA DAA!**

**Zelos obtained the title of, Glompaphobe**

"just ignore that" shrugged Zelos, as everyone looked around

"oh my god, there it is!" yelled Obito, between getting punched by Rin "up there!"

Everyone in the group turned around and viewed the most vile, disgusting, and monstrous thing in existence. Ino

"hey guys, I'm here to help you!" She said Cheerily

"OH GOD!!!" yelled Zelos, falling to the ground "THE BLOODY SIRENS WORKING ITS EVIL MELODY!!!" He wailed, clutching his head "IT'S LIKE MY HEADS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!"

Haku Screamed like a girl and past out from fright. Obito goggles cracked from the sight, and he started to vomit profusely. The sight caused Lee and Gaara to hug each other closely, saying that if that had to die, they'd do it together. Hidan had fallen into the fetal position, realizing his immortality thing finally worked against him. The only ninja in the group left standing was Tobi, who was shaking uncontrollably.

"stay back succubus!" yelled Tobi, trying to stay brave, but his courage was slowly failing him "get no closer!"

"guys, I'm here to help you out!" yelled Ino, jumping down onto the same branch as the others. "I've got something to tell you…"

"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" yelled Tobi, starting to spazz "The harpies dark magic is burning my skin!!!"

Haku started to convulse on the ground and foam at the mouth, and Rin started to scream 'OMFG!' as loud as she could.

"uhhhhh, guys?" said Ino, unsure of why everyone was screaming "I'm here to help you! I know what Sasuke is planning, and why he took Kiba!"

Her words were lost on them. Tobi started to wail on the ground 'Tobi is a good boy' as he started to lose control. Hidan started to start coughing up blood, and screaming in pain.

"what the heck is wrong with everyone?" asked Ino, getting mad that everyone around her was dying. "I come to help you and everyone is dying just from my presence? I have news for you! Sasuke has created an army of sound ninjas and plans to destroy konoha! And the invasions going to start any day now! See? I'm useful for something and……"

BAM!!!!!!!!

AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

A shot was fired, and Ino screamed and fell backwards off the branch. Everyone suddenly stopped dying and looked up. Itachi was standing up, pointing the broken butterfly at where Ino had just been. Smoke was still coming from the barrel as Itachi blew it away.

"Did I kill the wildabeast?" asked Itachi "its horrible goring noise seemed to have stopped"

Everyone got up and started to recover from their death symptoms, they recovered slowly thanks to the added shock that Itachi had done something useful for once.

"Holy crap!" said Tobi "you killed the evil monster! You're my hero!"

"I didn't shoot someone again, did I?" asked Itachi, remembering his bad track record with his gun.

Lee went over to the edge of the branch to see where the evil sea cow had landed. He leaned over and squinted below.

"I think I see something down there" he said "its not the monster though…"

The others ignored his observation, as Rin and Haku were busy asking Itachi if they could become his fangirls. Gaara was the only person to take heed of Lee. And remembering something from before, he walked over to his wuv muffin, and pinched his fanny. Lee, just like the last time that happened, fell off the ledge.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (gasps for air) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Lee Screamed

THUD!

"Are you okay?" asked Hidan as he looked over the edge

"well, sorta!" said Lee, from far below "I think I'm okay, but for some reason, the bone is poking out of my leg, is that good or bad?"

"Are you okay my wuv muffin?" asked Gaara, yelling down there

"I'm okay my cherry bollusom" said Lee, "luckily, this orange thing I spotted broke my fall…"

When everyone heard Lee say 'orange thing' they knew they had to check it out…

* * *

**Shinos group**

Back outside the super evil sound fortress, Shinos group was watching and waiting to see what was going to happen. Shino, Maes, and the moogle went inside to do some reconisence, while Hinata stayed on guard. Tenten was getting Kimimaru up to speed.

"…And that's the story of how I saved Hannukah!" Said Tenten

"wha?" said Kimimaru confused "I didn't know that Hannukah was in July"

"it is, you just didn't know" said Tenten

"How is that even closely related to why were here?" Asked Kimi looking around "whats going on here? And wheres Sasuke"

"Oh come on, you didn't even let me get to the part in the story where the Jonins show up" said Tenten, thinking slutty thoughts

Suddenly, Shino came back, with Mog trailing him.

"We know their plot" said Shino, out of breath

Everyone gathered around Shino and Mog as he disclosed the perilous plot.

"I was right about one thing" said Shino, looking around at his group "Theres definetly a large force in there"

"How many?" asked Kimimaru

"There were too many to count" said Shino "but the size looks at least three times as big as the sounds last invasion of Konoha"

"kupopo kupopo!" said Mog (translation, you guys are totally boned)

"Whats more" said Shino "the mastermind behind this whole attack is none other than Sasuke"

"What?" asked Kimi, Tenten, and Hinata at once

"Kupo kupopo ku ku po kupo kupopo!" went Mog (translation, yeah, the emo loser with Glompaphobia is going to kill every single last one of you)

"Hes not the only one" continued Shino "for some reason, Him and Kiba were addressing the troops, and Kiba was saying some pretty weird things"

"Like what?" asked Hinata, shocked that her teammate betrayed them

"Something about sparing the tender young boys" said Shino "anyway, for some reason, Choji was there too"

That part was more shocking than the invasion army.

"What the f—k is that fat f—k doing with them?" asked Kimi

"I don't know" muttered Shino "its all just weird. He was dressed in this really weird outfit. And he was standing next to some gender confused guy with the tattoo of the ouroburos on his thigh"

"Kupo ku ku po popoppoo kupo ku ku kupopopo kupopkupo kupopo kupopokupo ku popo" said Mog (translation, yeah)

"sounds like trouble…" said Kimi "but where did Maes go?"

"he's right behind us…." Said Shino looking around

Everyone turned around and started to look, and Maes was no where to be seen.

"oh f—kberries" said Shino

Suddenly, a loud noise could be heard coming from the fortress. All the nins (and the moogle) jumped over to see what was making the noise.

"Hinata, what's going on?" asked Shino

Hinata used her evil eye to see what was the commotion.

"I see" she said "Maes is running right out of the center of the fortress, waving his arms and yelling something…."

"what else?" asked Kimi

"well, now all the sound ninjas are running out of the place and throwing stuff at him. It looks like there's over a thousand of them"

"this can mean only one of two things" said Shino, thinking "it means that either the invasion has begun, and Maes tried to get moving before getting discovered. Or it could mean Maes got discovered and now he's running like hell"

"Kupo kupo ku" said Mog (translation, it's the second one bugtard)

"what are we going to do?" asked Hinata, growing scared "we don't stand a chance against this army!"

"lets have sex!" yelled Tenten, glomping Shino "I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"no ones falling for that twice Tenten" said Shino "what we need to do is separate into two groups, one group needs to go back to konoha and warn the 5th, the second group needs to distract the sound army or slow it down"

"I call not it for the second one" said Hinata

Tenten and Kimi called not it at the same time, leaving Shino with the task.

"dammit, who told Hinata about the not it rule?"

"That would be me!" said Tenten "ciao!"

Hinata, Tenten, and Kimi all ran towards the direction of mt. Baku, leaving Shino and the moogle to take on an army of Jonins.

"This just sucks, but why did you stay?" asked Shino, looking at the moogle

"Kupo ku kupopo ku kupo ku kupopoku!" said Mog (translation, Maes owes me a milkshake, and that sonovabitch Kiba still owes me a PS3)

"Whatever" said Shino, making some Ninjutsu handsigns

After Shino finished the signs, suddenly, a swirly ball of electric energy started to appear on his left hand. The mere presence of the Chidori-rasengan cause the bark to strip from the trees, the wind to blow at 70 mph, and the fur to start to blow off of Mog.

"Kupo kupo kupo! Kupopopo ku! Ku ku popo!" said Mog (translation, Holy f—k on a f—cking sandwich!!! What the hell?!?!)

"time to take out the trash" said Shino, lunging at the invading army chasing Maes.

* * *

**The other group**

The other group had gathered around the thing Rock Lee had found. The figure was a strange dead animal wearing an orange jumpsuit, with Blond hair, and a konoha headband.

"That is ONE ugly animal" said Obito, kicking the limp form "lets put it in the microwave!"

"Yeah, that things like, totally unfashionable" said Rin, being her usually preppy self "he needs some ugs, and pink, pink is totally in right now, right Zelos?" she said Looking around

While the group had gathered around the orange object, Zelos hung around the edge. His face was oddly looking of extreme fear, guilt, and wonder.

"Something wrong?" asked Hidan, suspiscous of Zelos "you look guilty…."

"Me?" said Zelos, turning red "I'm fine, really! Super" he said, trying to laugh it off "I have nothing to do with this narutard"

"I thought this lump looked familiar" said Tobi, poking Naruto with a stick "it smells just like Mountain dew flavored Ramen"

Haku was looking at the body real close, and making noises like 'hmmm' and 'I see'.

"Watcha doing?" asked Rin "are you trying to be like doctor Mcdreamy?"

"I've had some training as a nurse before" said Haku "I mostly did it cause the outfit totally showed off my child bearing Hips"

No one wanted to question that.

"Anyway" said Haku, cutting through the uncomfortable silence "I think I know what's wrong with him"

"What is it?" asked Hidan

"It's this disease I've heard about" said Haku "It looks like his _badenglishdubious syndrome_ has gotten worse, and he's digressed into a whole new disease"

"Herpes?" asked Itachi

"What the f—k Is wrong with you" asked Hidan to Itachi

"Just trying to be helpful"

"He's got _Fillerous syndrome_" said Haku "it's a syndrome that happens when a series starts to spew out pointless repetitive crap in order to make sure their series doesn't tank. Some of the symptoms are a total lack of plot, a total lack of character development, and introducing characters that only appear for about ten minutes and are never seen or mentioned again."

"much like this fanfic" said Itachi

"exactly" said Haku "and it looks like Naruto here has suffered the worst case I've ever seen"

"how many of these have you seen?" asked Tobi

"I saw it in One piece and Yu-gi-oh" said Haku "not nearly as bad as this though"

"Yu-gi-oh sucks" said Zelos "so does One piece. The 4Kids company ruined them"

"what about Shaman king?" asked Obito "they did a good job with that"

"No!" said Everyone at once

"uh guys?" said Rock Lee lying on the ground "I do not mean to be rude, but my femur is poking through my skin, and I think I've lost a lot of blood"

"nahh, you'll be fine, just drink some orange juice" said Zelos

"ewwwwww, blood" said Rin disgusted "that is like, soooooooo nasty"

"shut up prep" said Gaara, pissed off "or I'll sand slap you to next Tuesday"

Suddenly, Lee had a flashback. Sand, why had his cherry blossom mentioned sand? He could only think of one person that had anything to do with sand. But before he could come to any conclusions, he passed out due to blood loss. No one really seemed to care.

* * *

**Back to the army part**

Shino's ridiculously powerful attack slammed into the forward part of the army, taking them completely by surprise. In the confusion caused by the explosion, Shino grabbed Maes and ran back to the branch that Mog was waiting on.

"wake up!" said Shino, slapping Maes "wake up you creepy old man!"

"ow! Crap!" yelled Maes, waking up "you didn't need to slap so hard"

Upon Maes waking up, Mog slapped him in the face also.

"Ow! I'm already conscious Mog!"

"kupo kupopo ku kupo" said Mog (translation, I know, but you still owe me that milkshake dammit)

"Shino!" said Maes, totally ignoring the moogle "We don't stand a chance against them! They have a homunculi!"

"a what?"

"a homunculi!"

"is that supposed to be scary or something?"

"yes!" Maes yelled "Homunculi are evil creatures that were conceived by a dark ritual"

"like how Ino was born"

"not quite, Homunculi are created by alchemy. And the one I saw was the worse of the worst, its name is Envy"

"the movie?"

"No! Envy is a homunculi! He has the frightening ability to change shape into any person!"

"uhhhhh" said Shino "so can every ninja that isn't a retard"

"and Envy's immortal!"

"so is Hidan"

"and Envys incredibly evil and cruel!"

"so is every girl in konoha"

"and Envy is gender confused! No one knows if it's a he or a she"

"same for Haku"

"damn it!" said Maes "I just realized I almost got killed by one of the most unoriginal characters ever!"

"well, we all go through that at some point" said Shino "now lets get going before they regroup and attack"

Shino started to tree jump, leaving Maes to climb down the trunk of the tree, mumbling something about not having tree jumping skills. Mog remained on the branch, looking out at the fortress, and the armies of the land of sound, re-organizing, preparing to invade his homeland.

"mog!" yelled Maes, half way down the tree "are you coming"

"kupo kupopo ku ku popopp kupo!" said Mog (translation, I have this feeling that I'm never going to get that PS3)

* * *

**Special segment, PSA time**

**With hosts Tobi and Haku**

Tobi "hey whats up guys? This is Tobi, and its great to be back"

Haku "its great to be back also, I love this fanfic"

Tobi "who said you can talk?"

Haku "the prompter, that's who"

Tobi "stupid prompter, remind me to kill him after I become an akatsuki"

Haku "anyway, today were having a segment to talk about a very series issue"

Tobi "I think that lazy Bastard MoogleBaku touched on something like this a whiles ago"

Haku "that is correct, a little while back, the author talked about _Badenglishdubious syndrome_, a terrible pox upon anime and fans"

Tobi "what the hell is a pox?"

Haku "in this chapter, we made fun of two other conditions, one is called Glompaphobia, and _Fillerous syndrome_, both series problems in their own right"

Tobi "no seriously, what's a pox?"

Haku "glomping, for those who don't know, is when fangirls or fanboys hug other fans"

Tobi "glomping is the crapiest invention ever, it makes the rubics cube look like the Wii"

Haku "While Glomping is the greatest thing ever invented, there are some people that dislike Glomping. Those people are called Glompaphobes"

Tobi "its not called Glompaphobia, its called being normal, you bloody fangirl"

Haku "people who suffer from this terrible fear of hugs include my co-host Tobi"

Tobi "f—k you"

Haku "Zelos, as shown earlier"

Tobi "he didn't want a hug from a shemale, big whup"

Haku "Sasuke"

Tobi "he doesn't like that since he's a waterhead inbred Uchia whose daddy never loved him"

Haku "the author of this fanfic"

Tobi "f—k him"

Haku "and Tobi"

Tobi "you already said me you limey pansy"

Haku "indeed, anyway, the next disease was explained already, but we would like to list a number of Animes that suffer this same thing"

Tobi "Actually, at some point or another, every anime goes through that"

Haku "yes, actually, that's true, and for the fans, here's a list of the symptoms"

An incredibly ridiculous amount of flashbacks

Characters stop in the middle of a battle to explain every detail about their technique

Really bad dialogue, leading to cheesy catch phrases like 'believe it' or 'Dattebayo'

More flashbacks

Drawing out emotional scenes until you just wanna kill the characters

A lack of character development

Even More Flashbacks

No plot

A focus on characters that no one gives a damn about

The characters promising to see the aforementioned characters again, but never seeing them

Japanese puns that make NO sense in English, but are still really crappy puns in Japanese

Flashbacks Flashbacks Flashbacks

Tobi "what is it with Anime and Flashbacks?"

Haku "this syndrome is very serious, and many series suffers from this horrible disease. Notably, Naruto recently had the worst case of this in history"

Tobi "the character or the series"

Haku "both, its been dragging out pretty bad"

Tobi "yeah, I can't wait till I show up, it'll be awesome, I was such a good boy"

Haku "your digressing from the point of this PSA"

Tobi "whatever, to all you fans out there, remember, Glompaphobia apparently is a serious mental disorder, and the cure for it is…………………glomping? What the f—k kind of cure is that?"

Haku "whats wrong with that cure?"

Tobi "you can't cure the fear of hugs with more hugs! That's like trying to cure hydrophobia by drowning someone"

Haku "what do you know? Were out of time, save your complaints for the next chapter"

Tobi "wait, don't cut me of! Tobi is a good boy!"

* * *

Remember Kids, the more you know about Glompaphobia and Fillerous Syndrome, the more you can do to fight it. Oh, and Roxas kicks ass, and so does the rest of Organization XIII. 

Oh! and other news. My humble (yet crappy) fanfic has over 200 reviews, and over 30000 hits (I finally figured out how to use some of the features!). In addition, I also have a fangirl now, and as for who it is, you know who you are...

Oh, and on my profile page, theres a link to a forum thats made for Naruto. Yours truely is part of the forum. So please go there, its new and needs more members.

Oh, and opening day for the Cubs is in four days. GO CUBS!

Until next time, Tobi is a good boy!


	41. Chapter 41, Saving Private Zelos

**Chapter 41**

Saving private Zelos

At the northern border of Konoha, Asuma, Kankuro, Kurenai and Hayate were on guard duty at the northern checkpoint. As boring as their job was, Kankuro and Asuma were trying to find ways to remedy this. Hayate was too busy trying to stop the spread of Lepracy in his body.

"hey Kurenai" said Kankuro "whats your Zombie plan?"

"A zombie what?" asked Kurenai, slightly grossed out that she was talking to a man wearing makeup

"your plan for when the Zombies rise up against humanity"

"who in their right mind would waste their time on stupid ideas like that?"

"hey Asuma" said Kankuro "whats your Zombie plan?"

"My plan is to load up on Shotguns and Cigarettes" he said "its common knowledge that the natural enemy of a Zombie is a shotgun, didn't you watch that documentary on the animal planet about zombies?"

"good, good" said Kankuro "but what are the cigarettes for?"

"my nicotine addiction" said Asuma "if I do become a zombie, I don't wanna have to give up smoking just cause I'm dead"

_**NOTE: Mooglebaku does not enocourage the use tobacco products in anyway shape or form, to the living and the undead**_

"whats your plan Kankuro" asked Asuma, lighting up another cigarette

"I'm going to stock up on phoenix downs and holy waters" said Kankuro "you know, the final fantasy way of doing it"

"those items don't exist" said Kurenai "and I think I'm loosing brain cells just listening to you two"

"uh, could you help me?" asked Hayate, coughing up more blood "I think my kidney just burst, and I was saving that one for later"

"just crawl over to your corner and die" said Kankuro

"you got it" Hayate said, as he bodily dragged himself across the battlement. As he dragged himself, he looked north, over the battlement, over Konohas thick foliage. "hey guys, I think I see something…."

"next up" said Kankuro, ignoring Hayate "who would win in a fight, Akatsuki, or organization XIII?"

"a classic argument" said Asuma "I'd have to say Akatsuki, they've got Itachi, he has a pretty good track record for killing people with that gun"

"what? Its definetly Organization XIII, they outnumber them, and they have Roxas"

"uh guys?" said Hayate "I definetly see something, it looks like a large group of people chasing some of our nins"

"will you shut up?" yelled Kankuro "we're having a debate here"

"you guys need to get laid" said Kurenai

"oh come on" said Asuma "you should know perfectly well about me and layed….ness, right?" he said, elbowing her a bit "bow chica bow wow"

Kurenai grabbed Asumas lit cigarette from his mouth and shoved it up his nose. As Asuma rolled on the ground in pain, Hayate continued to describe what he saw.

"hey, its that guy with the bones, and the two other girls, and they're being followed by some other people, and theres a huge group of people running after them"

"I should just kill him" muttered Kankuro, looking at Hayate "and no one would even care"

Asuma pulled himself up from the ground and looked over the battlements. Upon finding out Hayate was right, he crapped his pants in fear.

"Holy ---- on a sandwhich!" he yelled "the sound is back! Run for your lives!" he said, running towards the Hokages office

* * *

**Outside the east side of town**

"how the heck are we supposed to get in?" asked Tobi, looking up the wall "the freakin gate is closed"

Tobi's group had reached the big wall that surrounded the village hidden in leaves. The group still consisted of Tobis group and Hidans group. Zelos had been sent to scout around for other entrances. Lee was carrying Naruto, and was trying to keep his distance from she-Gaara (he started having weird flashbacks of unpleasant memories).

"maybe its like the wizard of oz" said Haku "we are outside the emerald city, and the gate keeper won't let us in, and, OH!" said Haku, squealing fangirlishly "I get to be dorthy!"

"I wanna be the scarecrow!" said Obito "and Rin can be the preppy witch of west"  
Rin proceeded to break a few of Obitos ribs.

"I get to be Toto!" said Itachi

"Seriously dude, Shut up" said Hidan "I've got an idea"

Hidan walked up to the side of the wall and put Itachi down, adjusting him so he was facing the wall.

"do that thing you do" said Hidan

"AMERATSU!" yelled Itachi, using super Eye laser beam thingie to burn a hole in the wall with black flames.

"wow!" said Rin, who ceased beating up Obito to watch it burn "that's hawt"

While Rin was distracted, Obito pinched her butt, which prompted Rin to break the remainder of Obitos ribs.

"well" said Lee "lets go see the fifth, and tell her we found Naruto!"

"nah" said Hidan "we'll get the ransom money faster if we send a few body parts first"

* * *

**About 30 minutes later, in the Hokage office**

"Let me get this straight" said Tsunade, in her office, addressing Shinos team (Shino, Kimi, Hinata, Tenten, and Maes) and Hidans Team (Hidan, Itachi, Lee, Gaara, unconscious Naruto). "your telling me that Sasuke has assembeled a army that is three times as large as the last invasion army, and that they are right outside our villages walls right now, getting ready to invade at any minute. And that somehow, Kiba and Choji are active leaders in this invasion, and are in cahoots with Sasuke and a transgender homunculi. AND, that some of our ninjas are AWOL, and this one" she said, pointing at Gaara "got a sex change"

"sex change?" said Lee, confused

"Pretty much, fifth" said Shino

"man, I hope I'm having a really bad trip" said Tsunade, slumping in her chair "I had one last night. I ate some funny pills I stole from the hospital and spent the rest of the night eating Akamarus dog biscuits"

_**Note: MoogleBaku does not encourage the taking of strange pills, or the eating of Dog food**_

"what are our orders?" asked Shino, ignoring that last bit.

"to surrender and die" said Tsunade, pulling out a bottle of gin"

"in that order?" asked Tenten

"don't worry" said Tsunade, drinking gin straight from the bottle "as long as our wall surrounding the village is there and solid, they don't have a chance of invading"

"uh oh" said Hidan and Itachi at the same time

* * *

**Outside**

Zelos was wandering around the North part of the wall, looking for a possible entrance. It was pretty annoying that he was the only one that was sent, but he didn't care, he would leave those bozos and do some chickie poo searching. Unfortunately for him, he didn't watch where he was bumbling, and walked right into the sound army.

"oh snap!" said Zelos, seconds before getting dogpiled by sound ninjas.

Zelos was knocked out, and when he came too, he was bound up in front of the leader of the sound ninjas, Sasuke, and quite oddly Kiba.

"what? Why does the enviormentalist bitch get to be the leader of a totally rocking army?" said Zelos, indignantly

"_Oh, just how I like my young boys" _said Kiba "_all tied up in a bow." _

"what did I tell you about that" said Kiba to himself "your going to get in trouble with our armies sexual harassment policies, remember that seminar we attended?"

"_why can't you just shut up!_" said Kiba to himself yet again

"okkkkkkay" said Zelos, weirded out by Kiba "so you" he said, looking at Sasuke "are you going to kill me or let me live? Cause I'm cool ethier way. I'll ethier chase girls in Konoha or chase angels in heaven, it doesn't matter"

"whats with this guy?" said a voice that made Zeloses spine shiver

Out of nowhere, one of the sound ninja body guards next to Sasuke started to transform into an entirely different person. The person turned into what looked like a Haku-ish person wearing black, with an ouroburos tattoo on its thigh. The thing went up to the bound Zelos and looked him over. A grin spread across the mystery persons face.

"whats with this guy?" asked Envy to Sasuke "hes different from the rest of you ninja freaks"

"that's because he IS different" said Sasuke, apathetic about Envy "hes got some strange magical power none of us possess. Something called TP"

"Hubba Hubba!" said Zelos, checking out Envy, and ignoring Sasuke "what sexy child bearing hips! I'm going to call you, transformer babe!"

"you know that I'm a man right?" said Envy

"dammit!" said Zelos "that's the second time this has happened! What the hell is it with anime and crossdressers?!?!"

Sasuke was silent, but then pulled out his sword, walked behind Zelos. Zelos was expecting Sasuke to off him and braced for impact. Surprisingly, Sasuke cut the ropes binding Zelos, setting him free.

"why'd you do that?" asked Envy, perplexed by Sasukes actions "Hes the enemy!"

"_yesssssssss Ssssssassssuke" _said Kiba "_I liked him better all tied up. It made it kinky"_

_**Note: MoogleBaku does not encourage the act of tying up pretty boys**_

"ewwwwwwww" said Kiba to himself "you need to go to therapy about that"

"_what did I tell you about Talking!" _yelled Kiba to himself, again

Zelos decided to ignore Kibas monalouge and ask Sasuke about his actions.

"hey, you with the creepy intentions" he said "why'd you free me?"

"because…" said Sasuke, looking at him in the eyes "your just like me"

"I'm the whipping boy of a perverted old pedopile?"

"No" said Sasuke "nothing that trivial. Were both the same, we suffer the same fate. The same pain…."

"whats that supposed to mean" said Zelos, growing a bit afraid

"you must face the truth Zelos!" said Sasuke angrily "you are like us, you are, EMO!"

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Zelos "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"search your feelings!" said Sasuke "you know it to be true!"

"NOOOOO!!!!" Said Zelos "I'm too pretty to be emo!"

"god" thought Envy to himself "whats with the star wars crap"

"can I eat him?" asked Choji

"once again, stop talking"

* * *

**Nearby**

Nearby in some trees, two figures were watching the events unfolding. While one of them diligently watched, taking notes on the situation, the other complained like a whiney Ten year old.

"Sakuraaaaaaaaaaa" moaned Neji "lets get outta here, were in deep crap if that sound army sees us"

"shut up Neji!" said Sakura angrily

That's right, Sakura and Neji were headed to the village hidden in leaves. After Rock Lee, and Gaara disappeared, Sakura had feared the worst, and decided to head back where Hidan said he was going. She brought Neji with because she knew she needed his super new jutsu in case she ran into trouble. She didn't bring Shikamaru because he mysteriously disappeared, only leaving a note behind that said 'going to Vegas, be back when Temari is dead'.

"hey, wait a second" said Neji, looking ahead "I can see Zelos"

"really" asked Sakura

"yeah" Neji started to grin "I can finally extract my revenge for my humiliating defeat I suffered at his hands! The Jutsu I designed was especially made to combat that pretty boy! Hehe"

"your not talking about that Yaoi jutsu, are you?" asked Sakura

"hehe, you know it" said Neji "after I perform that technique, he'll never be pure again"

Sakura sighed, she doubted there was a time in Zeloses life that he ever was pure.

Suddenly, the horde of sound ninjas started to move towards the village hidden in leaves.

"oh f---berries" said Neji "they're going to destroy the whole town. Well, it was fun while it lasted. I hope he doesn't kill my cousin, I still need to post some nudie pics of her on the internet"

"I swear, if you mention one more time about your unnatural cousin lovin', I'm going to beat you to death with your own skull"

"oh come on" said Neji confidently "that doesn't seem physically possible"

* * *

**Back in the village**

The Sound Ninjas had already begun the invasion. Thanks to Itachi and Hidan ripping a hole in the hard shell that is the wall that protects the village hidden in leaves, the raiding nins were free to attack the nugety center. Explosions and skimishes were flaring up all over Konoha, and the ninjas of the leaf village were being pushed back by the superior sound ninjas.

Pinned down outside the Hokages office was Kimi, Lee, Itachi, and Hidan, all taking defensive positions below a half wall. They were pinned down by a few platoons of Sound ninjas, throwomg explosives at them. Kimi was panicing, Lee was panicing, Hidan hated everyone he was with, and Itachi thought they were watching a movie.

"Were friggin Screwed man!" said Kimimaru, panicing like a schoolgirl "were going to die out here! And I never got to do my big dance number on broadway…."

Right as they said that, a kunai with an explosive tag flew over them and detonated, causing everyone but Itachi to duck and cover.

"I think theres someone at the door" said Itachi, shifting his head "I think I'll go answer it"

"No!" Said Lee, stopping him "If you get up, they'll have a clear shot at your head! You'll be killed!"

"but I need to answer the door…."

"wait" said Hidan "The green guy is right, you might get…..wait" said Hidan, having a change of heart "your right Itachi, go answer the door"

Itachi got up and started to walk to where he thought the door was, but ended up falling down a staircase.

"when did that get there?" asked Lee

"why didn't they pincushion him?" asked Kimimaru "he was right in their field of fire, and he was walking!"

"who knows?" said Hidan "maybe they think were dead already, or their out of ammo, let me check"

Hidan got up and looked over the half wall to check for sound Ninjas. As soon as he did, a Kunai with an explosive tag hit him right between the eyes.

"oh son of a bitc…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!

Hidan was instantly blown into confetti. Lee and Kimimaru were shocked that something so violent happened in a T rated fanfic.

"oh my god!" yelled Kimi "they Killed Hidan!"

"you bastards!" yelled Lee, getting up and giving the enemy the finger

As soon as he did that, he got back down, and Kunais aimed for him passed over his head.

"well, what do we do now?" asked Lee

"I dunno" said Kimi "I suppose if this was a war movie or something, it would be the part where the two guys are about to die, and they tell each their entire life stories. Then they go on about their hopes and dreams and loved ones, then they say that they love each other and that they will go down together."

"are you coming on to me?" asked Lee "cause I've got enough girl problems right now, I'm having some problems with my Cherry blossom. Everytime I look at her, I think of Gaara for some reason. And for some reason, I keep seeing this pink haired girl every time I close my eyes, I have no idea why"

"weird, heads up!" said Kimi

Another volley of explosive kunais flew overhead, exploding nearby, and spraying the nins with rubble.

"but" said Lee "if were in a war movie, It'd have to be Kellys Heroes. that movie kicked ass"

"is that the movie with the crackers?"

"No, Kelly's heroes is the WWII movie with the tank that fires paintballs"

"oh, whats the movie one where the guy eats crackers?" asked Kimi

"that's 'midway'"

"Oh, heads up again!" said Kimi

Another couple of explosice kunais flew over the nins, causing another explosion and spraying the nins with more rubble.

"oh man!" said Lee "were screwed!"

"you know what I could really go for right now?" said Kimi "some crackers"

_**Note: MoogleBaku does not encourage the act of eating crackers in battle, unless your in a WWII movie**_

"stop that!" yelled Kimi "that's really annoying!"

_**Note: MoogleBaku says, "Make me"**_

"awww dammit" said Kimi

* * *

**On the other side of town**

Meanwhile, while Rock Lee and Kimi were preparing to die, Haku, Hinata, and Tobi had been captured by the enemy. The three of them had been tied up together to a tree, and were under guard by two sound ninjas.

"SON OF A BITCH!" yelled Tobi "I get back home, finally getting some Ramen, then some sonofabitch hits me in the back of the head, and I wake up tied to you!" he said Looking at Haku

"oh come on" said Haku "its not that bad, I've read Yaoi's where this sorta thing happens, and they always end super special awesome!"

"what happens in them?"  
"well, first the guards get in front of us and unzip their pants, and…"

"hey" said Hinata "I think I saw that one with Tenten"

"you did?" said Haku "oh, another Yaoi fangirl! Oh joy!"

Haku and Hinata proceeded to talk about yaoi, which caused Tobi to start to beat his head against the trunk of the tree.

"For (thud) the (thud) Love (thud) of (thud) God! SHUT UP!" He said, while trying to beat himself into a coma

Haku and Hinata ignored him and started to talk about a movie that had something to do with an indecent action involving corn. Tobi started to whine like a stuck pig.

"hey Screw!" he yelled at one of the guards "can't you mercy kill me or something?"

"no can do" said One of the sound nins "we have strict rules in this army about capital punishment of prisoners"

"Crap!" yelled Tobi, continueing to bash his head against the tree.

* * *

**At the Leaf Battle HQ**

During the last great ninja war (the war from Kakashi Gaiden), Konoha had built an advanced fortress in the middle of the village hidden in leaves as a last defense in case of an invading army. There, the nins of Konoha could fall back and prepare for counter attack, while the brilliant minds of Konoha could think of countstrike strategies. However, the brilliant minds of Konoha these days numbered somewhat less than the orginal thousands from the last great war. To be precise, there were only six people there. Tsunade (to drunk to be understood), Jiraya (to horny to be understood), Hayate (to dead to be understood), Kakashi (to deluded to be understood), Zetsu (to deaf to understand anything) and Genma (not important enough to be understood). The Meeting room was deep underground, with a gigantic round table in the center, and the large rooms walls were covered with maps of the ninja world, for plotting invasions and strategies. So far, the meeting had surprisingly made no progress.

"I think we should get hammered before they kill us" said Tsunade, drunkenly

"I think we should stop Shinra before they suck the mako from the planet!" said Kakashi, pulling out his buster sword "where's Barret? We need to get rolling!"

"you need a ferret to start molling?" asked Zetsu "are we looking for rodents now?"

"I'd be amazed if we actually accomplish something down here" said Genma "what do you think corpsey?" he said, looking at Hayate

"Can someone re-attach my spine?" asked the dying man "its trying to escape again"

"there ain't no getting offa this train we on!" said Kakashi, swinging his sword around dangerously

"Stop Kakashi!" yelled Jiraya "be careful with that"

Kakashi turned around and corrected him

"my names not Kakashi, its Cloud Strife! And don't worry, I'm SOLDIER first class, I know how to use a sword…"

Upon saying that, Kakashi's grip on the sword slipped, and it flew from his hands, right into Hayates back

"AAAAAAA!!!" he yelled "wait" he said, looking down "you popped my spine back in, thanks! That's the first time anyone ever helped me when I was in troub…"

As soon as Hayate said that, he was struck with Colon Cancer, a stroke, and Guacoma.

_**Note: MoogleBaku does not encourage using swords to pop people's spines back in

* * *

**_

**Outside the Kages office**

Sasuke and his generals were outside the office of the Kage. They had already taken over 80 percent of Konoha, and were stomping out resistance wherever he found it.

"have you found our objective?" said Sasuke, to one of the Sound ninja Jounins

"no, we haven't Sasuke-Sama" said the ninja "please forgive our slowness"

"no excuses!" yelled Sasuke, pulling out his wicked ass sword "this is an example for all who are slow to obey me!"

Sasuke promptly turned the unfortunate ninja to shreds with his freakin cool sword

"DUDE!" yelled Zelos, next to Sasuke "was that necessary to kill one of your comrades like that?"

"he is of little consequence" said Sasuke, putting his sword away "he wasn't even a minor character, besides being a random Sound Jounin"

"Brutal" said Zelos "anyway, you invaded all of Konoha just to kill your insane older brother? Seems a little too much"

"You should know the pain I've been through" said Sasuke "after all, you had to watch your own…."

"hey shut up!" said Zelos, cutting him off "Don't say my back-story, if you do, it'll totally ruin my game"

**Zelos Spolierz!**

"your mother was murdered right in front of you, in an attack that was ment for you. and as she was dying, she told you that you should never had been born, your 100 percent emo, no matter what you do. Your just like me"

"AAAAAAAAA!!!! SPOILIERS!" said Zelos, falling to the ground and twitching "its people like you that spoil the upcoming Harry Potter books!"

"oh yeah, about that…" said Sasuke "in the next book, Harry Potter Teams up with Tom Cruise and Mike Myers to stop Voldemort"

"NOOOOO!" screamed Zelos, clutching his ears "I haven't been in this much pain since we encounted that she-beast in the woods!"

* * *

**Closeby, watching**

There have been WAY too many cut aways in this chapter

Anyway, Kimimaru had been captured by the enemy, but Rock Lee escaped using his super squirrelly jutsu attack. He was watching Sasuke from the balcony of a nearby building, and listened to his whole conversation. He could only guess the reason why Sasuke would arrange an invasion army this massive in size, and why he would invade and horribly destroy his own homeland.

Lee leaned back and thought about it for a bit. It didn't seem right, if all Sasuke wanted to do was kill Itachi, why assemble an army this big to do so, when he could've done it while he was in Konoha earlier? Lee pondered, it was either an incredibly complex motive he didn't understand, or a incredibly big plot hole the author didn't feel like solving. His train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of two figures.

"whats up Lee?" said Neji, landing in front of him "is Hinata around? I wanna get some pictures while I still can"

Lee was shocked to see Neji again, but when he looked at Neji's pink haired cohort, he suddenly remembered who she was.

"Sakura!" he said, giving her a hug "oh thank god its you"

"wait!" said Sakura, stopping Lee before he hugged her "theres something we need to talk about. Neji" she said, looking at him "take a hike"

"you got it!" said Neji, disappearing, leaving Sakura and Lee alone

"Lee" said Sakura "I know that we haven't been able to spend much time togather as a couple, and because of that, you became interested in other people, and, well, I'm just sorry I wasn't always there for you…"

"uh, what?" asked Lee

"you broke up with me" said Sakura "Zelos said you broke up with me cause you like Gaara"

Upon hearing Gaara, Rock Lee felt something funny happen in his head. Suddenly, Lee remembered everything about what happened between him and Gaara, and that fateful night.

"He said you broke up with me and made love to Gaara" said Sakura "is that true?"

"well…" said Lee "I think I better tell you what really happened"

* * *

**Back a couple Chapters ago**

**There's something about Gaara**

As Gaara was thinking about Zeloses distraction downstairs, she climbed on top of Lee in bed to kiss him. Unfortunately for her, she didn't get a good balance when she climbed on top of him and slipped, and hit her head against the dresser. Gaara fell to the floor, unconscious.

Now, Lee was in a tough situation. He was locked in a hotel room, with an incredibly hot, naked girl, UNCONSCIOUS, lying on the ground. Dirty thoughts ran through Lees mind. He started to wonder what he should do, and what his friends would say in this sorta situation.

**Shino**-"Don't do anything! There is no honor in taking advantage of an unconscious girl, no matter what the situation. What kind of sick pervert would even think about doing something to a vulnerable girl like that?"

**Zelos**-"DO IT!"

**Neji**- "DO IT! and when your done, invite me upstairs so I can have a go too"

**Jiraya**-"DO IT! and get me some pictures…"

**Tenten**-"DO IT! and invite me over so I can take pictures…:

**Sasuke**-"I'm going to destroy the village of hidden leaves to distract my revenge upon my brother! HAHAHA! Wait, what did this have to do with date rape?"

**Naruto**-"Yo estoy Don Quijote! Yo voy a pelear Gigantes con un espada de Fuerte!"

**Gai Sensei**-"Don't give up on yourself Lee! Otherwise all of your hard work will have been wasted!"

Hmmm, thought Lee, Gai-sensei seriously needs to have more than one phrase. Lee shook those thoughts out from his head, and looked at She-Gaara hot body, got up, and walked towards her.

* * *

**Teh Present**

"what happened Next?" asked Sakura

"I picked up Gaara, tucked her into bed, and went to sleep on the rooms couch" Said Lee "Taking advantage of an unconscious girl just isn't right"

"wow" said Sakura "your incredible lameness proves you're a better person then most of the people I know"

"Its just not right" said Lee, blushing

Sakura giggled. She knew for sure now that Lee was a straight arrow all right. She figured that falling in love with Gaara must've been one of the side effects of the spell Zelos used. She made a mental note to kill Zelos for lying to her, but she could worry about that later, she was too happy because she got her boyfriend back.

"oh Lee" she said hugging him

As Sakura flung her arms around him, Lee blushed, and then did that goofy smile of his. Gai sensei was right, all his hard work was finally paying off. Lee wrapped his arms around her, completing the embrace. It was a beautiful scene, but the two quickly snapped back to reality.

"get a room" said Shino, as he hopped over next to the couple

"AAA! Shino!" said Sakura, angry and flustered that another perfectly good moment was ruined.

"Ralley-ho!" said Tenten, landing next to Shino

"where'd you two come from?" asked Lee, a little upset that he missed the opportunity to go to first base.

"I led them here" Neji appeared behind Lee and Sakura. "I figured the nudie pics can wait until after we get rid of those pesky sound ninjas"

"yes" said Shino "I've already have a battle plan in mind"

"what is it?" asked Lee

As Shino was about to answer, they heard some yelling coming from the clearing near the office.

They looked over and saw Sasuke, standing in the open, next to Choji, Envy, Kiba, and to everyone's surprise, Zelos. They were all staring at Kakashi, who was waving around a ridiculously oversized sword and shouting at Sasuke.

"you Shinra Bastards!" yelled Kakashi "I will strike you down with Omnislash! Prepare to be burninated!"

"uh, isn't that your teacher guy?" asked Envy "you were taught by a waterhead dumbass?"

Sasuke covered his face with his hand and sighed. his ninja teacher, a supposedly famous and powerful super nin, had seriously lost his marbles.

"Kakashi…" said Sasuke, putting down his hand and looking him straight in the eye. "I really don't want to have to hurt you, but I will if you don't back away now…"

"nice bluff!" yelled Kakashi, swinging his sword "but I'll stop you! I have the power of Justice on my side!" and with that, Kakashi charged towards Sasuke

"I don't believe it" said Shino "he's actually going to try it"

"he's doomed" said Lee

"I AM THAT IS!!!" yelled Kakashi, swinging down his sword, trying to cleave Sasuke.

Within a flash, it was over. There was a blur of movement from Sasuke, and Kakashi went down like a sack of rocks.

"no…." said Kakashi as he fell "tell Tifa that I loved her.."

"peh" said Sasuke, walking away "pathetic"

"soooo weird" said Envy "anyway, where's this jackass brother of yours? I wanna crack some skulls"

Sasuke and his guard moved away from the ninjas on the balcony, leaving them awestruck with what just happened.

"Did you see that?" asked Sakura "Sasuke Leveled Kakashi like he was nothing! Isn't he supposed to be strong?"

"Sasuke looked SOOOOO hawt!" said Tenten "maybe I should help him revive his clan, someone who's the last of their clan is SUCH a turn on"

"does anyone else wonder why Zelos was with them?" asked Lee "isn't he on our side?"

"so is Choji supposedly" said Neji "my theory is, Choji became evil because he saw profit in eating everything he could, or he decided that he was tired of being a minor character, and wanted to join one of the villains, either way works"

"well, were going to need to take him down either way" said Shino "were going to have to spilt up, Sakura, you can fight Zelos, you seem to scare the (censored) out of him anyway"

"no arguments there" said Sakura

"Tenten, you can fight that gender confused person"

"you got it!" she said "can I use my ninja skills I learned from watching 'la blue girl?'"

"whatever floats your boat" said Shino "Lee, you'll come with me to fight off the hoard of Ninjas, and Neji, you can take on Sasuke"  
"why do I have to fight that lunatic?" asked Neji "why I can't I go with you and Lee and fight a bunch of nobodies?"

"because were going to take on a horde of Ninjas that numbers at least two thousand"

"oh, well, good luck doing that"

* * *

**Special Segment "why no one likes me"**

**With today's Host, Ino**

Ino "hi everyone, I'm Ino, and I'm part of the Naruto universe, and a character in MoogleBakus crappy fanfic. I'm here today to talk about why no one likes me, the reason no one likes me is….

_**Note: MoogleBaku is saving that explanation for a different chapter**_

Ino "oh dammit

_**Note: MoogleBaku says 'girls don't swear'**_

Ino "yes we do!"

_**Note: MoogleBaku says 'liar' and 'hurry up, you should be grateful I gave you any time at all'**_

Ino "whatever, well, until next time, keep reading and Believe it!"

* * *

Hello readers, sorry about the pretty big delay for this chapter, i'm at that part of my junior year of high school where students start having mental breakdowns (I'm on my third one, Hooray!). In other news, I also finally got my wii, and I can honestly say, Its become like a brother to me.

Also, I recently discovered this incredible internet site people call 'youtube', and have actually posted some of my creations on it. I currently have three up there, one is a AMV about Neji (Neji always hardcore), a Funny video that takes scenes from Naruto and dubs them over (Naruto fun with Audio), and a crappy video I made for my chem class about powerplants by using Halo 2 (Educational film about Powerplants). My Name on Youtube is **TheMoogleGuy** (not very creative, so sue me), and the link to my channel is my homepage on my writer bio thingie. Please watch my videos, i'm pretty desperate for some ratings. Oh, and if you know any cool youtube videos, please tell me.

And Until next time, I love puppies! kupo


	42. Chapter 42, the war to end war

**Chapter 42**

The war to end war

About seconds after the last chapter ended, Sasuke and his posse of evildoers were called over by a generic henchmen about the captured hostile forces.

"well" said Generic Henchman A "earlier, we captured these three in a bunch" he said, pointing to Tobi, Haku, and Hinata, still tied together. "these two girls were talking about Yaoi the entire time" he said, pointing at Hinata and Haku "and this one…" he said, Pointing at Tobi "was trying to kill himself, he's probably one of them super high officers that are trained to commit seppuku if their captured"

"Please kill me!" said Tobi frantically, rocking back and forth while tied up "They just won't stop talking!"

"hmmm" said Sasuke "your part of Akatsuki, so tell me…." He said, leaning right up to Tobis face "where is my older brother? If you try to hide his location from me, I'll have you killed, slowly…"

"how the (censored) should I know?" said Tobi "I hate that prick! I hate Hidan! And Kisame! And Deidra! And Sasori! I Hate all of those bastards!"

"Where is he?" yelled Sasuke, grabbing Tobi by the collar

"I don't know, he went with Shino and that Green guy to the office of the Kage! But could you do me a favor?" asked Tobi "if you kill him, can you let me have the ring he has?"

"why" asked Sasuke "is it one of those middle earth rings that are all the rage these days?"

"no, its just that I wanna go around punching people in the face with it like Rick James"

Somehow, what Tobi just said was strangely familiar to him, like something like that had happened to him before. He took a second to ponder what it was. Then, not remembering what it was, shrugged it off. Sasuke walked over to the next P.O.W that envy was interrogating.

"Yo estoy Don Quijote!" said Naruto "Donde esta Roncinate y mi armor? Yo nessecita pelear gigantes!"

"for the love of god" said Envy "you stupid bastard, Your Not Don Quixote! And your saying it wrong, it has a bloody X, NOT a J…."

"Mi llamo es Don Quijote de la mancha! Y yo voy a pelear los companeros de malo! Creerlo!" said Naruto, completely oblivious to Envy

"at least hes got one thing down" said Sasuke, walking up to envy "hes about as crazy as the real Don Quixote"

"hola Sancho!" said Naruto, looking at Sasuke "donde esta su asno? Necesitamos pelear gigantes para mi dulciena!"

"get anything outta him?" asked Sasuke to envy "you know, useful stuff?"

"just the Spanish Don Quixote crap, and a bunch of crock pot recipes." Said Envy, standing up

There was an uncomfortable silence as Envy and Sasuke stared at each other. Eventually, Sasuke sighed and covered his face with his hand.

"we don't have a crock pot"

"dammit" said Envy "why do we have about six million ninjas, Armageddon weapons, more biological enhancements than we can count, but not a single bloody crockpot?"

"bring it up at the next staff meeting" said Sasuke "were having one tomorrow night, Kiba suggested we hold it to toughen our armies sexual harassment policies…"

Right as Sasuke said that, a Kunai landed right between Sasuke and Envy, causing Envy to jump back and find cover, and Sasuke to pull out his sword. Sasuke checked to see if the card had an explosive tag on it, but all it had attached to it was a risqué playing card that had a picture of Tenten in a compromising position (use your imagination).

"Hey Bitch!" yelled Neji, somewhere in hiding "next ones going into your head!"

"you think you can hit him from here?" asked Tenten

"probably not" whispered Neji "I kinda threw that one by chance…"

"whats your plan to fight Sasuke?" asked Tenten

"I'm going to use my 8 trigrams, 64 palms against him. And if that fails, I'm going to soil myself, regroup, and think of a new plan. What are you going to do about that crossdresser?"

"oh, I'm going to use my sex kunocihi skills from 'la blue girl' said Tenten cheerfully "its going to get messy"

"I gotta video tape that" thought Neji "I could make millions"

"hey" said Tenten "wheres Sasuke?"

"hmm?"

Neji looked down and noticed Sasuke was gone. "oh crap" thought Neji to himself as he looked around, trying to find where the lunatic went.

"where'd he go?" asked Neji

"peek-a-boo" said Something behind Neji

Neji turned around, and as soon as he did, Sasuke was behind him with a fully charged Chidori, and Impaled Neji right in the chest. The Lighting blade tore through Neji and knocked him off the building, leaving Tenten by herself to fight the insane ninja.

"uhh, yeah" she said "I'm too pretty to die!" and with that, Tenten used a flash flicker and vanished, leaving Sasuke to finish off Neji.

* * *

**Other side of town**

On the other side of Konoha, Shino and Rock Lee were observing the encampment of sound ninjas. From what Shino could gather, the prisoners were being held on the south side of town, and the sound ninjas had turned the academy into a makeshift barracks. It was good for them, because that ment Shino and Lee wouldn't have to hunt them down, but the fact that they had to face thousands of enemies at once far outweighed that.

"we don't stand a popsicles chance in hell" said Lee, looking at the armies "Permission to walk away from this hopeless situation?"

"Permission denied" said Shino "they may have numbers, and more strength, and experience, and be better rested and equipped, and probably much more morale, and every possible terrain advantage imaginable, but…." Shino said, smiling a bit "we have two things on our side, which we can use to our advantage, and make this an infallible plan…"

"what?" said Lee "is it our spirt and determination?"

"oh hell no, save that for American Cartoons…" said Shino "the two things we have going for us is the fact that were main characters and we have the inverse ninja theory to aid us…"

Rock Lee was confused by this. Sensing this, Shino sighed and explained it too him.

"were main characters in this story" said Shino "therefore, we can't die"

"you mean like, were in a story right now?" asked Lee, looking around "like, in a fanfic or something?"

"what are you, stupid?" asked Shino "were making the story right now, you know, like what Aurons always talking about"  
"oh" said Lee, feeling disappointed "I thought maybe we were in a story, so my fangirls could hear my tales of bravery…"

"whatever"

"what about that inverse thing though?"

"oh that" said Shino "Basically, the inverse ninja law states that the more people you versus, the weaker they are (If you don't believe me, look up the **inverse ninja theory** on wikipedia. go on, I know you want to…). Thanks to that, we should be able to saw through that army like their made out of butter."

"what kind of butter"

"the soft kind"

"gotcha" said Lee "should I use my ultra super special inner gates move?"

"go ahead"

"okay…" said Rock Lee, focusing his Chakra "Third gate Seimon, release!"

As soon as Rock Lee released the inner gate, there was an explosion of Chakra, and the ground around Lee was getting destroyed by the mere presence of it. Lees hair stood on end, his eyes bulged, his veins were swelling, and he had a really bad case of the runs.

"wow" said Shino, awed by Lee's transformation "so that's what steroids do to people"

"I……" said Lee, his voice sounding horribly distorted by the release of Chakra "AM…………IN………….THE………..SPRINGTIME…………OF………..YOUTH!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly, in a flash, Lee was gone.

Shino Looked around, was Lee doing his magic?

* * *

**387 Nanoseconds Later**

Lee had indeed been doing his magic. In the 387 Nanoseconds that he had disappeared, he had already defeated 192 sound ninjas by beating them to death, killed 11 enemy officers, destroyed 7 enemy defensive positions, seen the lord of the rings trilogy twice, read every book in the 'Redwall' series, beaten final fantasy VII three times, made twelve AMV's, ordered thirteen pizzas, and watched all of 'themoogleguy's videos on youtube over fifty times. Naturally, its not humanly possible to exactly measure how fast Lee was moving, but to sum it up, pretty damn fast.

Even moving at this super Human speed, Shino was able to guess that Rock Lee had wasted lots of energy doing trivial things instead of actually accomplishing their mission. As usual, Shino Guessed right. Lee reappeared on a tree branch near Shino, looking incredibly tired, and for some reason, wearing a Mickey mouse cap and drinking a icee.

"how was your trip?" asked Shino, a little annoyed

"super" said Lee between gasps "by the way, the queen of England says hi"

"Great…." Said Shino. Lee pissed Shino off, he knew that he had to finish off the rest of the horde, and started to charge up his trump card. Shino focused all his energy into his palm and started to form Chidori-Rasengan, causing a 50 mph wind to blow, bark to strip off the trees, and Lees Mickey mouse hat to blow away.

"try not to blink…" Said Shino as he lunged at the enemy encampment.

* * *

**At the other side of town**

Itachi had just pulled himself out from the staircase he fell down, and was sitting down trying to get it together. When he fell down, he got knocked out for a bit, and everything went black. Unbeknownst to him, when he was down there, he was out of the field of vision at the top of the stairs, which effectively hid him from the marauding sound ninja patrols, searching for him. When Itachi came to, he realized what he heard earlier was NOT actually a doorbell, and realized he was in the middle of a war zone. Itachi felt his way to the top of the stairs, and once up there, sat down to contemplate his next action. Suddenly, something disrupted his train of thought.

"HEY DUMBASS!" Yelled a voice

Itachi started to move his head, he recognized that angry voice from somewhere…

"Hidan, is that you?" asked Itachi, crawling around

"yes dumbass!" the voice yelled "come over here and pick me up!!!"

Itachi was confused by this. What exactly did 'pick me up' mean? With that thought in mind, Itachi crawled over to the area he thought he heard the voice. While fumbling around, Itachi found the newly detached head of his comrade, Hidan. Itachi picked up the head by its hair and grinned.

"hey Hidan" said Itachi "have you loss weight?"

"LET GO OF MY HAIR!" said Hidan "I'M A GOD DAMN SEVERED HEAD!!!!"

"ewwww!"

Itachi dropped the head, and Hidans head fell onto a pile of dirt. Grumbling, Hidan explained the situation.

"after you went to answer the damn door, I got hit with a kunai loaded with explosives, and my body got blown up, and now I'm just a friggen head, got that you moron?"

"that's not very nice" said Itachi, picking up Hidans head "I could just leave you in the trashcan"

"good luck finding one blindy"

"find, then I'll use your head as a soccer ball…"

"no wait!" yelled Hidan "NOT AGAIN!"

And thus, the blind man spent the rest of the day playing soccer using his friends head as a ball.

* * *

**The hunt for red October….er….Zelos**

Sakura had been searching all over Konoha for Zelos, and was currently having no luck. She had searched all of the pervy angels hiding spots, the ramen bar, the schoolyard, the nudie bar, the topless dancing bar, the bottomless waitress café, the porn shops, the XXX stores, the hentai store, the local KFC, and the angel food store. Sakura was at the end of her rope, She thought to herself, Zelos was the perviest guy she knew (sans Neji), and any other guy after an extended leave of absence would have to be looking around for girls, and Zelos was just like any other guy.

Sakura was hopping from building to building, looking around, and trying to find out where the mysterious perv angel could be, suddenly, she heard someone yelling something horribly clichéd….

"AAAAAAAAAA!!!! DADDY! WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE MEEEEEE?"

Sakura heard the voice coming from the hospital roof, northwest of her. She figured by the whiny tone of the voice, It had to be Kiba, so she decided to go check it out. When she got near the hospital, to her surprise, it wasn't Kiba at all. It was Zelos. Zelos, was on top of the hospital, crying like crazy. At first Sakura thought Zelos was putting on an act to lower the guard of one of konohas nurses, but then she looked around and realized that Zelos was doing this by himself, not wanting anyone to see him. This perplexed Sakura, realizing that maybe Zelos was not the shallow person he always depicted himself as, and maybe, she thought, Zelos might actually be a deep, well minded person. She thought about that for a second and dismissed it. She figured it would be more fun to pummel Zelos than to help him sort through emotional trauma.

* * *

**Saturday night, Amestis fight**

Envy and Maes Hugues were embroiled in a fight to the death, to say the least. Maes, and his extensive knowledge of militaries and how they functioned, knew one technique for avoiding being seen or captured. This secret army technique was the art of hiding under a park bench until things cooled down. Maes hid under the bench until the sound ninjas settled down their attack. When things calmed down, Maes crawled out of it, hoping to find the other konoha nins to prepare for a counter strike, he was unfortunately spotted by his mortal enemy Envy, and thus the two began to fight to the death.

Envy had transformed both of his arms into scythes, and was trying to slice Maes to ribbons. Envy leaped high in the air, and came down with a crashing force that broke the ground. Maes got out of the way in time and threw a knife at Envy, hitting him directly between the eyes.

"Arggggghhhh!" screamed Envy as he fell to the ground, and pulled the knife out of his forehead "that (censored)ing hurt you prick!"

Envy ran towards Maes again, but Maes swung his arm, throwing another barrage of knives, which pin cushioned Envy in the Right Leg, torso, and neck.

"Arrrrrrrgh!!! DAMMIT!" Screamed Envy

"Man…." Thought Maes "the comic relief better arrive soon, or I'm screwed…."

Luckily, it did, Lee passed by while in his 3rd gate stance (he was returning from Disney world), the speed of the spandex lad passing by was so great, it created a sonic boom and a sonic blast that blew both back Maes and Envy. Maes got Sent flying, and conveniently landed in a pillow factory. Envy got sent flying back and ended up in a wood chipper factory. You can take a guess what happened to him from there.

"wow" said Maes, "I haven't seen a plot hole that lame since I read one piece"

* * *

**Back to Sasuke**

Sasuke walked over to Nejis Limp form on the ground. Surrounding Neji was a shallow pool of blood. Sasuke walked over to inspect the body. To his Surprise, It began to move, and Neji slowly rose up. Slowly, as it was evident Neji was in great pain.

"how the hell did you survive that?" asked Sasuke

"I'm a main character, I can't die" said Neji

"no way…" said Sasuke, chuckling "your not a main character, I am, you can just go ahead and Die!"

With that, Sasuke Lunged and ran Neji through with his sword.

"game over…" whispered Sasuke in Neji's ear

Suddenly, to Sasukes surprise, the Neji disappeared. Sasuke looked around frantically.

"a replacement, where is he?"

"surprise!" said a voice from behind

Sasuke turned his head, and behind him was Neji, still bloody. Neji was behind him making the hand sign of the tiger. Sasuke had seen someone do this before, but before he could get a chance to react, it was too late…

"Konohas most secret and sacred technique!" yelled Neji "Eight Trigrams, sixty-four palms, SIXTY FOUR THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!!"

BAM!!! Two Strikes up Sasukes butt!

BAM!!! Four Strikes up Sasukes butt!

BAM!!! Eight Strikes up Sasukes butt!

BAM!!! Sixteen Strikes up Sasukes butt!

BAM!!! Thirty two Strikes up Sasukes butt!

BAM!!! Sixty Four Strikes up Sasukes butt !

Nejis Ultimate attack (64 thousand years of pain/yaoi no jutsu) successfully fingerbanged Sasuke in the ass 64 times, causing Sasuke to fall over in incredible pain.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" yelled Sasuke on the ground, in too much pain to move due to his ass trauma "YOU JUST JYUNKENED MY ASS!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"  
"Jiraya-sama taught me that technique" Said Neji "he said that I should save it for a time like this. But for some reason, he told me not to use it on Orchimaru…" he continued, crossing his arms to think about it "he said something about Orchimaru regaining health…."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Oh, and just so you know…" added Neji "you probably shouldn't sit down for a while…"

And with that, Neji pasted out due to blood loss, leaving Sasuke alone, and in incredible pain.

"owwwwwww" said Sasuke, gritting his teeth from the pain "I haven't been in this much pain since Orchimarus special 'friendship lotion'…."

* * *

**Near the thingie**

Shino and Lee were busy causing havoc to the massive armies of the sound ninjas. Using the combined power of the hidden lotus (or reverse lotus if your going to be a pain in the ass about it) and the Rasengan blade, they had effectively shaved off two thirds of the sound army, proving once again that main characters can't die. Unfortunately, the two began to wear down, Shinos attack drained energy faster than a game gear, and the hidden lotus (once again, reverse lotus if you're going to complain about it) had caused a very bad case of Hemorrhoids for Lee. Eventually, Lee and Shino were too weak to fight back, and were overpowered and captured by the enemy. When the two awoke, they were tied up, and surrounded by the hundreds of remaining sound ninjas, eager to slowly avenge the deaths of their comrades. Standing before the sound army, to Lee and Shinos surprise, was Choji.

"how the hell did he become a villain?" asked Lee

"it makes for a plot twist…" said Shino "but I wanna know is, what is he planning to do?"

"looks…..Tasty….." said Choji, looking quite deranged "TIME TO EAT!"

And with that, Choji ran over, picked up the Tied up Rock Lee, and ate him whole.

"oh my god, you ate Lee!" said Shino

A few kilometers away, Neji woke up for a second and said "you bastards!" then passed out again.

* * *

**Make love, not war**

Tenten was tree jumping around the occupied Konoha, looking around for her target. She was assigned to take out the androgynous foreign guy, but she had no idea where he was. She looked all around, and ran into Sakura beating the crap out of Zelos, and Sakura had no idea where Envy was. Depressed, Tenten kept looking around. She always wanted to do it with a gender queer person, and Haku wasn't one to get 'busy' with any girl…

Suddenly, she spotted something up ahead, and went over to check It out. To her surprise, it was Kiba. Kiba was in a clearing, and was doing some Yoga, all the while talking to himself.

"can't you feel the positive energy flowing through you?" said Kiba with a smile

_"after the three yearsssssss are up, I'm going to make you ssssssssuffer so much, you'll beg for death!"_

"awwww, it is working! Your threatening to kill me less, now time for some back stretches!"

Back in the trees, Tenten thought about what she just saw. She remembered something earlier about Orchimaru being inside Kiba. That meant there were two people in one body right? That made Tenten giggle, she always wanted to do it with someone who had multiple souls in one body (like I've said, shes got a lot of fetishes…). So, Tenten jumped down, approached Kiba, and

**THIS PART IS CENSORED OUT TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT**

"Holy cow Tenten…" said Kiba "Thank you for getting Orchimaru out of my head!"

"hehe, its no problem" said Tenten, holding up a mayo jar with a seal on it "orchimarus soul is sealed inside here, he won't be bugging us for a while…"

"yeah, but your plot to free me of him was ingenious!" said Kiba "I've never seen such a well thought out, yet still X-rated plan. It was brilliant!"  
"thank you!" she giggled

"can you explain how you did it again for me?" asked Kiba "so I know every step of what you did?"

"nah" said Tenten "too complicated, all I know is, I don't ever have to do it again…"

* * *

**Haha, cheated you out of a plot line**

**Somewhere inside the bowls of Choji, next to the dueadenum**

Rock Lee was lost in the black abyss that was the inside of Choji.When Rock Lee had been swallowed, somehow, he wasn't in what looked like a stomach. It seemed to him like he was in the darkness of space. Floating in one direction in zero gravity, trapped forever in that dark scary world. Lost for all eternity.

"here I float, lost in time…" said Lee "doomed to spend my life, falling through the gap between dimensions, to spend eternity in eternal darkness. To exist in oblivion until my mind is purged, until my soul is Weakened and destroyed, to….Hey" said Lee, looking around "the weather here is kinda nice, and theres so much room! I should build a dojo down here sometime…"

"Rock Lee…."

"holy crap!" shrieked Lee, shocked that there was another there

"Rock Lee…."

"god?" asked Lee "is that you?"

"no Idiot…"

"is it the great lesbian of the sky then?" asked Lee

"no you idiot, come this way…."

Lee could'nt see far into the nothingness, but he knew something, that voice, whoever it belonged to, sounded familiar.

* * *

**Cleaning up the trash**

The nins of Konoha had successfully defeated the sound ninjas. Once Choji had swallowed Lee, Shino regained strength, thanks to the inverse ninja theory (it works dammit). Thanks to the theory, Shino had defeated the entire remaining sound army by himself, and Captured Choji (that was easy, cause he had gotten extreme heartburn from eating Lee). Neji had revived himself and brought the defeated and tied up Sasuke to the Hokage office, Tenten brought the Orchimaru sealed in a jar, Maes brought what was left of Envy (just his man-skirt), and Sakura brought Zelos (who was now suffering from Mental AND physical trauma).

"well, that takes care of that…" said Neji, throwing the tied up Sasuke in the pile with the other captured ninjas. "lets go buy some victory porn!"

"not so fast" said Shino, taking Sasukes sword

"give that back you bitch, OWWW!" said Sasuke, rubbing his butt again

"I bet your ass hasn't hurt that much since Orchimaru discovered 1000 years of pain" joked badly injured Zelos

"I'm taking this…" said Shino "to get Lee out of fatass!" he yelled pointing the sword at Choji

"AHHHH!" yelled Maes, suddenly seeing Choji "ITS GLUTTONY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

And with that, Maes ran like hell away.

"What a freak…" muttered Sakura

"well, anyways" said Shino, focusing on Choji again "for Lee!"

With that, Shino stabbed Choji in the stomach, causing Choji to scream like crazy. To everyones surprise, Chojis bad began to open up vertically, which revealed a vortex inside of him, with a creepy ass eye staring back at them. When this vortex opened up, out of Choji popped some of the various things hes eaten, such as some doors, Halloween decorations, his desk, a bulimic raccoon, and two people that looked familiar.

"wow" said Lee, covered in puke and debris "we sure are lucky, aren't we Gai Sensei?"

"HAHA, Lee, my apprentice, Luck is a part of Skill!" said Gai, standing up and getting into a heroic pose "and don't forget, all your hard work will be wasted if you don't believe in yourself!"

"oh my god!" said Sakura "you've been gone for a long time!"

"whos this guy?" asked Zelos, pointing to Gai sensei "what is it with Ninjas and spandex?"

"Oh god no…" said Sasuke, looking at Gai "another loser for the peanut gallery"

"I thought you were dead!" said Sakura "I even pitched in to buy a tombstone for you!"

"hahaha, no…." said Gai "Months ago, I was sent out to find information about a threat upon our fair village, and lo and behold I discover that Choji and Sasuke were behind it the entire time!" he said, pointing to the two "Their perilous plot was to destroy Konoha and kill Itachi! Sasuke was hoping to kill everyone here cause he hated this place so darn much. When I discovered their plot, the fat kid swallowed me up and I was floating inside of him until my beloved apprentice showed up!" he said, putting his hand on Lees head "we stopped the forces of evil, I mean, Sasuke…."

"yeah, and I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and that dog…"

"what dog?" asked Shino "Akamaru? Pakkun? Link?"

"that flying bastard!" said Sasuke, pointing at Mog, who just happened to be floating by "he was able to stall my entire plan, so I didn't get to strike early enough…"

"Kupo kupo kupopo ku!" said Mog (translation, the power of justice and friendship will always triumph over evil. dumbass!)

Suddenly, Kimimaru showed up. He landed next to Sasuke, and seemed kinda surpised they actually won.

"hey Sasuke" said Kimimaru "hows Jugo doing?"

"he says the reason you defected Is because you owe him 50 bucks and have no intention of paying him back" said Sasuke, still in great pain

"well, that sounds about right…anyways…" continued Kimi "I freed the prisoners that the sound guys took"

"how are they doing?" asked Gai "are my precious students all right?"

"well, Tenten got V.D, Haku and Hinata are forming a Yaoi religion, Tobi has suffered extreme mental trauma thanks to that religion, Asuma got the crap beaten out of him, Kurenai is pregnant, Kakashi now thinks hes Tifa, Shikamaru is still AWOL, Naruto thinks hes a fictional Spanish hero, Itachi's playing soccer with somebodies head, and Ino's still crazy"

"what?!?!" Yelled Sasuke "Itachi! Where is he! Don't try and stop me!"

Sasuke Got up, ran one foot, and fell over in pain.

"GODDAMN YAOI!" yelled Sasuke

"hahaha!" exclaimed Gai proudly "everything turned out okay!"

"Okay?" said Kimi "Most of Konoha is in ruins, there's a hole in the wall around Konoha, there's billions of dollars worth of damage, there are thousands of dead civilians and militants and even more wounded people!"

"haha! None of that matters!" said Gai with a smile "after all, none of the main characters died, and that's all that matters"

"hey" said Sakura "what about hayate? he died"

"like anyone cares" said Gai

* * *

Well, that ends the mission arc, wasn't it super special awesome? Sorry that this chapter took so long to come out, there was an error or something every time I tried to load this up, and then I got disconnected from the internet. My guess was that Y2K came a little late

On a separate note, I'm going on a trip this summer, from June 13th to June 27th to the southwest (again). I'm going to be about 100 miles away from the nearest internet capable computer, so I'm sad to say this, but it might take a while for the next chapter to come out (I can't write for the next week cause I've got finals).

But since I'm almost done with my junior year, I'd like to list 10 things I've learned this year.

Health class- boys and girls are different, stop the freakin press

Chemistry- Acid can burn the skin, and burning is bad

English- I'm probably the only person in the world that liked the Great Gatsby

Math- Blonde girls can't count

Spanish- Don Quixote kicks ass, he just does

Com Studies- Speachies freak me out

RTE- I learned that RTE is the dumbest class ever, it makes P.E. Look like a college course

Lunch- My friend Taylor is just like Zelos, without all the pink clothes

US Government- Politics makes me so horny (if you don't know where this is from, then find out)

And finally, I learned that it is never a good idea to get between a fangirl and her yaoi

Until next time, believe it, and enjoy the end of the school year!


	43. Chapter 43, What is love?

**Chapter 43**

What is love?

It was about a week after the invasion of the sound army, and the residents of Konoha were recuperating from after the invasion. Since large portions of the city were destroyed, the residents pretty much had to make do with all that was left. The only portions that received a minimal amount of damage were the residential district and the commercial district, where most of the nins hung out anyway.

Outside of his house, Tobi was skipping out to his mailbox, happy for the first time in a while. Tomorrow was the day Akatsuki was going to gather for a meeting, and would have to let him join by default. Since he had only one last task to complete (he was going to do that tonight) Tobi figured it was going to be a freakin breeze. Tobi went out to his mailbox to get his usual mail.

"lets see…" said Tobi, looking through his mail "Bill…..Bill…..llib….Death threats…..bill…..More death threats…..bill…..Letter bomb….more bills…..national geographic……more bills…..my weekly porno magazine…..hey whats this?"

Tobi pulled out a rather odd looking card that was a lightish red color on it. The only marking on the outside was "your invited". Curious, Tobi opened up the letter to see what it was.

**Your invited to…..  
**

A WEDDING

Between **Nara Shikamaru and Tayuya**

That is going to be held at…………………… **St. Yondiame the fourth**

The Date will be at…………………………… **THE NEXT CHAPTER**

Around…………………………………………** The exact time you read it**

You are allowed to bring one guest

If you wish to bring a gift for the happy couple, please buy it at **Too cool** or **Hot Topic**

"ZOMG!" said Tobi "aren't those little bastards only fifteen years old? What the crap?"

Tobi shoved the letters into his pocket and walked back inside. He had about 2 hours before he had to go to do the final task, so he had some time to burn. As Tobi walked inside his pad, he was greeted by an annoying guest…

"okay, listen…." Said Haku "I know your on a limited budget since you just an intern and all, but I have to say, you seriously need some more style in this house!" said Haku "you should let me buy you some stuff to make your place FABOULOUS!!!!"

"oh shut up" said Tobi

Since Haku was one of the unlucky ones that had his house destroyed in the war (Haku lived under a bridge), he was living at Tobis place. Tobi felt like he was obligated to do so, since Haku did help him on his quest, but that didn't stop him from being annoyed at Haku every single time he opened his mouth.

"seriously, and like, what are you wearing to your date tonight?" asked Haku "you can't go out to see Ino in those baggy clothes that akatsuki wears, you'll look unfabulous!"

That's right, the only thing that Tobi hadn't done yet was go on a date with Ino. He figured if there was one thing on the list that was going to kill him, it would be Ino, so he was going to do that one last.

"I only have to go on one date…." Said Tobi "dinner and a movie, that's all the fine print said"

"well, I've got a date too tonight!" said Haku "why don't we go on a double date! It'll be fun"

"are you still dating that Sai person?" asked Tobi "the one that looks like hes constantly wearing a sport bra?"

"hehe" upon hearing Sai's name, Haku blushed "maybe yes, and Maybe no…"

"then no" said Tobi, getting his bow tie on over his Akatsuki uniform "I think that just seeing Ino will make me lose my dinner, seeing you and that Sai Kid lip mashing is going to cost me my life…"

* * *

**Later, at Super freakin Curry house**

Surprisingly, lots of couples decided to the super freakin curry house that night. Since the grocery stores were destroyed, and the only other available thing to eat was what Choji threw up, lots of people decided to just eat out. The other couples on dates included the newly reunited Lee and Sakura, Anko and Kakashi were also surprisingly on a date (Kakashi was hallucinating since fighting Sasuke and thought she was Aeris), Shino was out with a new Hunnie to celebrate something, Naruto was there with his dulicinea (a mop with a face drawn on it), Kisame was there with Itachi (Kisame wanted to use the handicap parking space), and finally, Tobi was there with his lovely, err, ugly date, Ino…

"uhh, Kisame?" asked Itachi, reading an upside down menu "why are we on a date?"

"its not a date you idiot" said Kisame "the boss wanted us to keep an eye on Tobi to make sure he goes through with this"

"well, whether it's a date or not, your still paying for dinner" said Itachi "I've got a reputation to keep yaoi free you know"

"whatever" said Kisame "hey look!" he said Pointing "there he is, hes sitting at that table over there!"

"where?" asked Itachi, trying to look around (pointlessly)

As Itachi turned around, he fell backwards in his chair, which knocked over a passing by waiter. The waiter dropped the food he was carrying onto a person at a nearby table, hitting some poor kid named Dosu in the back of the head. Unfortunately for Dosu, the waiter was carrying flaming sichcabob (no idea how to spell that), and promptly impaled him and set him on fire simultaneously. Dosu ran around the restraint, flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs. At first the restaurant goers were horrified at this spectacle, but then started to laugh at him then order more drinks.

"sure are a lot of clumsy people around here" said Itachi "I think the waiter set a kid on fire…"

"you have no idea" shrugged Kisame

* * *

**At Tobis table**

Tobi could not believe how bored he was already at Ino. She kept going on and on, something about puppies or unicorns or some kinda girl crap, he just couldn't tell

"Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah" said Ino with a smile

"oh crap" Thought Tobi "shes expecting me to say something, uhh, think quick!"

"uh, yes?" said Tobi

Suddenly, Ino smiled again and laughed "Blah Blah Blah! Blah Blah Blah….."

Tobi sighed a sigh of relief, he had gotten through that part, thank god that he figured out a way to get by this. Tobi was preparing to set his mind on autopilot for the rest of the night, but then something unexpected happened. Tobi felt something rubbing up against his knee, and then realized that Ino was rubbing his knee. Tobi started to sweat profusely, Ino was making a move on him! The little piglet no one liked was feeling up his knee! This almost made Tobi cry, remembering the fine print on the quest form.

(If Ino makes a move on you at your date you have to go along with it, even if she makes one of 'those' kinda moves, you know what that means Tobi…)

Tobi groaned, those guys at Akatsuki were really trying to kill him alright…

"may I take your order?" asked the waitress

"Long Island Ice tea!" yelled Tobi, slamming his hand on the table "extra strong too!"

"okay, and for the lady?" asked the waitress  
"I'll have water with a lemon in it"

"okay" she said, writing it down "would you like me to poison her drink sir?" she asked Tobi

"yes, very much so" said Tobi "could you actually do that?"

"nope, I'm just messing with you" She smiled, walking away

"there goes your tip…" muttered Tobi under his breath

* * *

**About four drinks later**

Tobi had just downed his fourth ice tea, and was feeling strange. It wasn't the urge to go to the bathroom, but it was like a feeling of emptiness inside.

"why the hell aren't I drunk yet?" asked Tobi to himself

"Blah Blah Blah Blahblahblah!" continued Ino

"oh god" said Tobi, grabbing his fifth drink "take me home…"

A few tables back, Kisame was snickering to himself. He had secretly paid off Tobi's waitress to give him non-alcoholic ice tea, just to screw with him.

"hehe, that little punks going to fry up on impact…" said Kisame "I think that that blonde chick is hitting on him"

"really?" asked Itachi "what is she doing?"

"shes doing something to his leg under the table" said Kisame "Looks like Tobi's about ready to cut off that leg to get out of here"

"what an Idiot" said Itachi, grabbing what he thought was his drink "glad I'm not that stupid"

Unfortunately, what Itachi grabbed was actually NOT his drink, but was the candle that was on the table. Itachi effectively downed a whole serving of Hot wax. Kisame watched in amazement as Itachi swallowed a whole candles worth of melted wax.

"wow" coughed Itachi "I know that this is a curry place, but man, even the water is hot and spicy"

"you know, you are so lucky you've got that blindness excuse"

* * *

**A few tables back**

Zelos also happened to be on a date that night, with his ninja hunny Sheena, who had just gotten back from the Sounds Four (a few chapters back). She had ditched Temari because everyone knows when two bothersome girls are alone together, there's a power struggle/cat fight, and when Temari beat her up, she only had one person to turn too.

"man, we didn't have any luck finding that chicken wuss guy" said Sheena, eating a breadstick "we looked all over that place"

"oh didn't you hear?" asked Zelos, leaning back in his chair, with a slightly evil grin "him and that flute girl are getting hitched"

This caused Sheena to choke on her bread stick. After she coughed it out, she gasped in shock.

"what the hell?" she said "we spent all that time looking for him, and he's right here in Konoha!?!"

"well, yeah" said Zelos, grabbing another bread stick "duh"

"how'd you hear about this?" asked Sheena, getting mad at Zelos

"he told me, that's how"

"was it guy talk? You guys comparing the notches you put in your belt?"

"nah" said Zelos "he asked me to be the minister at his ceremony"

This one caused Sheena to fall out of her chair.

"Whyd the hell did he ask you?" She asked him angrily "besides, isn't Shikamaru Jewish?"

"he is.." said Zelos, grabbing a breadstick "Tayuya's catholic, and shes in charge of their relationship, so naturally, she choose where its taking place"

"that still doesn't explain why your doing the ceremony"

"that's simple" said Zelos "I'm the only justice of the peace in this village"

"you have to be kidding"

"well" said Zelos "there's technically two, me, and that Hidan guy, and since he doesn't have a body, that just leaves me"

"what makes you so qualified?"

"hellooooooo?" asked Zelos "I'm a freakin angel! Doesn't that make me like, the go-to religion guy In this village?"

"I think I'm going to be sick"

* * *

**Back to Tobi**

The waitress had finally brought over the food that Tobi and his date had ordered to their table. Tobi had ordered the barbeque ribs with meat sauce and a side of fried chicken and steak (and a milkshake made of bacon), while Ino ordered a strange meal she referred to as a 'salad' (whatever one of those's are). As Tobi ate his heart attack inducing meal, him and Ino surprisingly started to have a conversation.

"did you know that they don't call them quarter pounders in Europe?" said Tobi, drinking some bacon "they call it a royale with cheese, its because of the metric system…"

"wow, that's interesting…" said Ino, eating her 'salad' "so Tobi….what are your future plans for life?" she asked him, staring into his eyes…..er...eye……er…mask

"well, the only person that's asked me that Is Haku…." Said Tobi "my plans are to join Akatsuki, kill obito, kick Haku out of my house, destroy Canada, then get a nice little place Hyrule next to lake Hylia"

"why do you wanna join Akatsuki?" asked Ino "you don't seem all that evil"

"cause I wanna….But there's a problem…." Said Tobi "the problem is, the Akatsuki mansion was destroyed during the war, so they've been forced to relocate"

"where are they now?"

"well, they're either behind the bowling ally or next to the towns medical waste dump"

"couldn't they have chosen better locations?"

"The process in Akatsuki is, whenever the current hideout gets destroyed, we relocate, and theres a system as too who chooses. This time, Itachi came up in the cycle, and, well, you get the idea."

"ohhh"

* * *

**Back at Blue boys table**

Kisame was still spying on the couple from their table, and something oddly was not right with him.

"stop spying on them" said Itachi "and eat your freakin dinner"

"yeah, maybe…."

Kisame had ordered the curry eggs, with a side of fried pork and a prime rib smoothe, while Itachi had ordered the curry chicken stuffed with curry and deer with a side of meat French fries and fried grease juice (the members of Akatsuki don't know how to eat healthy). As Itachi munched on his curry chicken, he couldn't help but ask that question.

"so, has Tobi killed himself yet, or has Ino done it for him"

"nope" replied Kisame, munching on his eggs "I'm kinda surprised"

"well, its not just that" said Itachi, thinking to himself "that Ino girls voice, It sounds so familiar, I just can't put my hand on it"

"what do you mean?"

"well, when we were back in the forest we came across a hideous sasquatch demon that sounded awfully similar to her…."

"well, what did you do to it?"

"I shot it"

"oh my God!" said Kisame in shock "you actually did something useful! Were their any witnesses"

"just the Yaoi fangirls…" said Itachi, going back to his chicken "those girls Rin and Haku have already formed a fan club for me"

"alright…" said Kisame, wondering if Itachi realized that Haku was a dude "whatever"

Kisame turned around again to look at Tobi at his table. A look of horror spread across his face

"egads!" he said "its worse than I thought!"

"what?" asked Itachi "did she kill him yet?"

"far worse……..I think they might be getting along! I think Tobi might actually be enjoying this!"

"uhhhh so?" asked Itachi, confused by Kisame "I thought we were supposed to hate Tobi cause he's the stupid Noob, remember?"

"yeah, but seriously…." Said Kisame, sitting back down "going steady with Ino is a fate worse than death…"

No arguments here.

"soooo" asked Itachi "what are we going to do about it?"

"we need to stop that date" said Kisame, thinking about it "got any ideas?"

With that, Itachi pulled out the broken butterfly.

"I've got one"

When Itachi was acting all cool like with a gun, the waitress came back to give Kisame the check.

"okay, mr. blue guy here's your…."

She saw Itachi with the gun and started to scream.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! BLIND MAN WITH A GUN! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Once again, people started to pile out of the restaurant screaming.

"why does this feel familiar?" asked Itachi, as him and Kisame walked out of the empty restaurant.

"because it is" said Kisame, stealing the tip money from the vacant tables.

* * *

**Movie theater madness**

Tobi and Ino next went to the Cineplex movie theaters to see the blockbuster movie 'pirates of the Caribbean 5: and a bottle of rum'. Ino and Tobi sat in the middle of the theater together, holding hands, eating popcorn, and watching the movies. A few rows back, Kisame was voicing his disgust.

"look at them, we need to stop this" said Kisame "I thought this was going to be funny, but we need to help Tobi before that she-beast kills him. I mean, I hate that little bastard, but no one deserves torture that horrible, am I right?"

"perhaps" said Itachi, sampling some of the gum he found under his seat "why is there free candy on the ground?"

Kisame thought about telling him why, but decided against it.

"hey, Itachi? Can I borrow that gun for a second?"

"it depends…." Said Itachi "are you going to use It for truth and justice, or are you just going to shoot someone?"

"uhhhhhh I need to use it to uhhhhhhhh cure an itch?"

"meh, good enough" shrugged Itachi as he gave him the gun

Kisame raised the gun and pointed at Ino's back.

"sorry Tobi" he muttered "but its for your own good…"

Right as Kisame was about to squeeze the trigger, something unexpected happened…

"HEY! ITS MY BUDDY THE SMURF!!!" yelled Gai sensei, slapping Kisame in the back.

The impact from getting hit by one of Gais uber punches caused him to jerk while firing the gun. The bullet completely missed Ino and instead landed in Naruto, who was sitting a few rows in front of the couple, with his 'dulicinea'.

"AAAA!!!!!" yelled Naruto after getting shot "Yo tengo un dolar de mi Cula!"

Once again, mass panic resumed inside the theater, other couples on dates started to panic and run to the exits, which caused a massive jam.

"hey Kisame?" asked Itachi

"yeah?"

"did you just shoot someone?"

"no, I think it was you" said Kisame, giving Itachi back the gun

"oh, well, I guess I should warn people that someone's been shot…"

With that, Itachi Shot his gun pointing up. The bullet hit the roof, ricocheted off and then landed in Lee (again). The second shot caused even more panic, and the movie goers started to stamped and tramp people in attempts to escape the blind ninja.

"hey Kisame?"

"yeah?"

"did I shoot someone again?"

"yeah, It kinda looks like that"

"am I probably going to jail again?"

"yeah, probably"

"darn it"

* * *

**The next day**

Tobi was waiting outside the Akatsuki conference room (behind the bowling alley). Tobi had finally accomplished all the missions that they gave him, and now they would have no choice but to accept him as a member of akatsuki. Tobi was so excited, all that crappy hard work was finally going to pay off. He just couldn't wait to hear them say, welcome to Akatsuki.

"Tobi, your not welcome to Akatsuki…" said the leader

"WHAT!?!?!" yelled Tobi incredulously "I completed all the freakin tasks you gave me, and Tobi is a good boy, why wouldn't you let me join you?"

Since the manor was destroyed, the criminal organization was using the area behind the bowling alley as their temporary lair. All of the members were there, sans Itachi (hes doing time for shooting Naruto and Rock Lee).

"because we simply don't like you" said the leader "your whiney, annoying, bothersome, and I suspect that under that mask, your more ugly then ten miles of bad road"

"no arguments here" said Tobi

"and besides, we already appointed someone to fill the opening that Orchimaru left. We kept it open, in the case he might come back…" he said, looking at Deidra, who started to cry from the painful memories "but since his soul is now inside a jar of mayo, he just ain't coming back"

"you gave away my opening?" said Tobi in disbelief "after I worked so hard?"

"pretty much" said Sasori "it was fun to watch you struggle and flounder though"

"I tried to help you" said Kisame "but you were lost in the darkness….."

"who did you give It away to?" asked Tobi "for the love of god, please let it not be Haku…"

"no actually…" said the leader "the person we chose was…."

As soon as he said that, the mysterious ninja appeared. Tobi couldn't see who it was, because the mystery persons face was obscured by shadows, but he could see that they had already donned the Akatsuki uniform.

"speak of the devil" said the leader "come on out and show the good boy Tobi who you are…"

The mysterious person stepped forward into the light, only to reveal that the newest member of Akatsuki was……………………………………………Shino!

"ZOMG!" yelled Tobi "IT'S THE CREEPY BUG DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?"  
"hey, I'm just as surprised as you are…." Said Shino

"how…." Said Tobi, getting dizzy from shock "how did this happen….. He didn't even audition!"

"we saw his actions during the second sound war…." Said the leader "he showed courage, determination, strength, wisdom, and a vast knowledge of the inverse ninja theory, so he was perfect for the job."

"yeah, not to mention hes totally badass" said Kakuzu

"and we have the same sunglasses" said Itachi

"and he doesn't kick me around" said Hidans Head

"and hes sooooooooo HAWT!!!" said Deidra, fawning over Shino "I'm forming a fan club right away"

"yes….thank you Deidra, that was disturbing…" said the leader "anyway, Tobi, we have no use for you, so, if you would, please leave"

Then, suddenly, Tobi did something that not only shocked the members of Akatsuki, but broke the laws that was set up by the man law committees (from the bear commercials) in so many ways that it wasn't funny.

He cried.

Tobi started to wail like a child. Not in a Deidra manner where he whines while he does It, but a full blown crying act. That, added with the fact that Tobi was a grown man, caused an air of incredible awkwardness for the other akatsuki members.

"uh, Tobi?" said The Leader, trying to get him to stop "could….you….go……please?"

"WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" wailed Tobi

This lasted for about ten minutes. The leader looked around, and it was apparent that the situation was so awkward, that none of the other members we going to do anything. With that, the leader sighed, and spoke up.

"SHUT UP!" he thundered

When Tobi finally stopped wailing, he continued

"If it will make you shut the hell up, I'll make you a deal, The NEXT time a member of akatsuki dies, you can get his job, you get that you little prick!?!?"

Tobi started to bright up upon hearing this

"really?"

"yes" the leader said, with the sinking feeling he was going to regret that

"for reals?"

"yes….."

"really really?"

"stop reconfirming it!" he yelled "you're next in line! So shut up!"

"Hooray!" yelled Tobi springing up, acting joyfully once again "and on that note…."

With that, Tobi pulled out and ax and walked up to Sasori

"hey Sasori, I've got this really cool magic trick I wanna show you…"

"hmmm" thought Sasori "okay"

* * *

**Special Segment-your comments answered, 2!**

**With hosts Rock Lee and Sasuke (again)**

Lee "hello again, its your two favorite hosts, Rock Lee and Sasuke"

Sasuke "when did you become a favorite for anyone?"

Lee "onto the first question!"

**...  
the scary part is...  
I agree.**

**Vagito**

Lee "I agree too!"

Sasuke "on what?"

Lee "that squirrels kick ass"

Sasuke "how do you even know what hes saying?"

Lee "my squirrel senses"

Sasuke "………..when did you develop a squirrel fetish anyway?"

Lee "that's a story for another time"

**your rock!!**

**The All mighty Black Death**

Lee "yes, I do Rock"

Sasuke "why do you think every single comment is about you?"

Lee "I'm just trying to be polite, you have a problem with communication"

Sasuke "I don't have a problem with communication, I just have a problem with stupid people"

Lee "is that why you don't have a problem with me?"

Sasuke "you just keep telling yourself that"

**Wow. This is the best piece of crap I've ever read. Ever. Great use of Bleach and FMA (great shows). Can't wait for the next chapter.**

**AnimeAlways8**

Lee "I like bleach"

Sasuke "me too, I especially like how everyone in bleach has about 12 gallons of blood in them"

Lee "yeah, I also think its funny how Ichigo is so riducoulous overpowered yet no one really questions it"

Sasuke "yeah, too bad Mooglebaku doesn't have cable, hes never actually seen the show"

Lee "wow, he must be living in the stone age"

Sasuke "yeah, totally"

**Chidori vs. Rasengan**

Lee "what does ROFL mean?"

Sasuke "wow, I'm surprised you questioned that before you asked about the wuv muffin part"

Lee "is ROFL kinda like that thing Tsunade is, that four letter word that starts with M?"

Sasuke "hey! This fanfic is rated T! Don't say that word, and no it isn't"

Lee "oh, well, in any case, if Chidori did vs. Rasengan, which would win?"

Sasuke "whatever one I was doing at the time"

**RedBlade**

Lee "it wasn't slow to reload, it was the coolest gun in the game, it was soooooooo cool, Itachi got one from Jiraya"

Sasuke "Jiraya gave a blind guy a gun? I wish I could say I'm surprised"

Lee "well, that Merchant guy does comment how 'guns not about shootin', its about reloading, you'll know what I mean'. Once again, Red is right"

Sasuke "whos Red?"

Lee "Red is what I named the merchant, I wrote a fanfic about his backstory"

Sasuke "oh my god"

Lee "as a child, Red was made fun of by the other kids for keeping all of his possessions hidden under his clothes at all times. And when he turned into an adult, he was shunned in his village because of his odd tendancies to sell weapons to heroes"

Sasuke "it just won't end…"

Lee "he was kicked out of everywhere he went, except for a crappy village in Spain, where ironically, all of Resident Evil four takes place"

Sasuke "are you done"

Lee "yeah"

**yeah shino has been in a couple of fan fics..not written by me i write crack lee/gaara fics and my friend on this acount makes dark naruto anyways off topic...yeah shino has I have seen him paired up with Shikamaru and Kankuro...once with Neji...o0 that one was just weird..anyways...yeah sry to burst ur bubble...btw...I LOVE YOUR STORY!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA I SAT ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING FOR LIKE AN HOUR! then my mom came in and was all ...o0 wtf?? OMG DO I NEED TO GET U THE PYCHYATRIST (sp?) AGAIN! runs out of room OMG NO MOM WAIT HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH dies**

**Spicey Lime 63**

Lee "wow"

Sasuke "yeah, wow"

Lee "whats a crack fic?"

Sasuke "use your imagination on that one. I want to know why according to this, Shino is going out with Neji"

Lee "Shino would never go out with Neji, Neji is too busy hitting on his cousin"

Sasuke "their fathers are identical twins, their more like half- brother and sister that way"

Lee "oh, well, nevermind about that. I just hope this poster is okay, looks like she died after writing it"

Sasuke "another one of my fangirls are dead, darn, I need an army of fangirls that can destroy Itachi"

Lee "you can borrow my army of squirrels for that"

* * *

**Authors Note**

Nihao, I recently received a review for this fanfic where a reader made a comment about the orgin of my name (mooglebaku). I must say, I'm kinda surprised that no one asked sooner what the Baku in MoogleBaku means (everyone knows what a moogle is…). Heres a list of all the different Baku's, and the one where the name actually comes from.

Baku (name)- Baku is the name of the leader of tantulous in Final Fantasy IX, he was a bandit leader and adoptive father of the main character Zidane. While it does go along with the moogle part (both final fantasy tidbits) that Is not where the name is from

Baku (Fijin)- is a supposed word in Fiji which has the magic ability to piss people off, not sure why, I just learned about that recently. However, my pen name is not based on that.

Baku (animal)- is a mystical creature, lumped in the same catergory as unicorns, chupacabras, leprachauns, and fangirls. They are magical Japanese monsters said to eat dreams. Also not where the name comes from

Baku (ship)- was a soviet destroyer before getting its name changed to something lame and Russian. Also not where the name comes from/

Baku (place)- the capital and largest city in the country of Azerbaijan. This is where the name comes from. If you wanna know why I chose the capital of a obscure nation for my pen name, hehehe, that's another inside joke.

* * *

Hello, I'm Back. Yes, I know, its been a while, Yes, I know, I suck and all that, but I have an excuse for it. In my 'vacation' I spent that two weeks backpacking across New Mexico. That was two weeks of eating nothing but dehydrated food, no indoor plumbing, and no showers. I love the outdoors, so it was one of those things I do every year. It was the only time in my life I trekked through Forest, Desert, Mountains, and snow, all in one afternoon. I must say though, I love the southwest, and I have to move out there some day (the land of sand kicks ass). 

I have to talk about one experiance that happened to me while I was there. At one point on the trek, we stopped at a general store being run by a college student from texas. Me and some of my friends started talking to her, and then it happened, the single most insulting moment of my entire life. As you all know, I'm from the Chicago area and I 'supposedly' have a chicago accent (which I TOTALLY do not have), and while I talked to the lady, she started to laugh. When I asked her what was so funny, she said (this is it) "y'all have funny accents".

I must say, I'll be damned if someone who says y'all says I have an accent.

And thats my rant, I just had to say that.

Anyway, there are about two chapters left, Three If I decide to stretch out the wedding (OMG Spoilers)

Until next time, Believe it!


	44. Chapter 44, love is blind, and deaf

**Chapter 44**

Love is blind, and deaf

* * *

It was the scheduled day of the wedding, and birds were singing, the sun was shining, and other clichéd wedding crap was happening. The church that the ceremony was set to take place at was a giant church, with a high roof, with a giant picture of the fourth Hokage above the alter. The nins were getting ready for the pre wedding crap. 

Tayuyas brides maids consisted of Kin, Karin, Sakura, and Haku (don't ask). As for the Maid of honor, Tayuya chose Tenten (she wanted a slut to make her look like less of a home wrecker). While Shikamarus grooms men consisted of Kiba, Neji, Lee, and Yoh Askura (he came all the way from Shaman king land). As for the best man, Shikamaru would've chose Choji, but since he was in jail for treason, he chose Shino.

Zelos was at the alter, reviewing his lines and constantly complaining about his robes.

"dude seriously, why do priests have to wear dresses?" asked Zelos indignantly

**NOTE: MoogleBaku at this point was struck down by a lightning bolt for making fun of the fact that priests wear dresses**

"don't question those kinds of things" said Shikamaru "bad things might happen"

"whatever…." Said Zelos "you still owe me for that bachelor party I planned for you…"

"why the hell would I owe you for that?" yelled Shikamaru "that party was disasterous"

* * *

**The night before**

To celebrate Shikamaru getting married, Zelos organized a bachelor party at Lee's dojo. They had everything there, snacks, enough root beer to feed an army, and more dvd's of 'la blue girl' then you can count.

"WOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled Kiba, running around Chugging root beer "THE VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME TO MOLEST MY FRIENDS IS GONE!!! PARTY!!!"

Upon saying that, Kiba was promptly thrown out of the dojo to sober up from being suger high. The bachelor was sitting on the couch, surrounded by the other nins who were busy having a root beer drink off (theres no underage drinking in this fanfic, with the exception of Lee). Suddenly, Zelos strolled back into the room looking excited.

"here comes the best part!" yelled Zelos "wheel it in boys!"

Kakashi and Asuma entered the room, pushing in a Giant cake on a platform.

"oh my god!" said Shikamaru "that cake is huge!"

"it could fit a person inside of it" said Lee

"Uhh, guys?" said Shikamaru, leaning in close "I think there IS a person inside of there…."

Suddenly, the cake exploded, and standing in its place was a playboy bunny version of Haku.

"Does the groomie groom want a rubbie rub?" he asked "I also give Fabulous lap dances!"

With that, every man in the room started to vomit profusely.

"heyyyyyy there big boy" said Haku, strutting up to Shikamaru "wanna get the bachelor special?"

Things would've gone downhill from there, but then a deranged Iruka promptly entered the room and started to steal root beer, so the remainder of the party was spent trying to recapture said root beer.

"That was honest to god, the worst moment of my life" cringed Shikamaru "even worst then the day I accidentally found out what futanari means…"

"hey hey hey!" said Zelos indignantly "I misread the advertisement, so sue me, it could've been worse, the only other stripper advertising in Konoha is someone called the 'Yaoi fairy' (also known as Kuja), whoever that is…"

"you just better not mess up the ceremony" Threatened Shikamaru "I swear to god, if you do, I'll kill you…"

"geez, fine, whatever…" said Zelos "you should be a little more worried by the fact that one of your grooms men has been kidnapped by Gaara"

"what?!"

Everyone looked to the back of the church to find a big sand hand, dragging Lee, with him screaming the entire time.

"For the love of God! Somebody get Sakura!!!!" he yelled, being dragged away "Gai Sensei! Please save me"

And with that, Lee was dragged out of the church.

"god I miss it when that happens" said Shikamaru

"yeah, its been awhile" said Zelos "may the fellow red head find happiness with an unwilling dog brow"

* * *

**The bride**

The bride (Tayuya) and her flock of harpies, I mean, bridesmaids, were in a nearby room in the church, discussing all things that girls discuss before one of them gets married.

"hows the sex?" asked Tenten "the last time I talked to Shika, he said he was something called a virgin"

"its, interesting" said Tayuya, putting on her makeup "he seems to cry a lot during it, it must be something psychological that he got from his previous girlfriend"

"no kidding" said Sakura "did any of you just hear Lee Screaming just now?"

"Nope" said everyone else at once.

"oh, nevermind"

"anyway, its time for the wedding items" said Karin "do you have something old, something New, something borrowed, and something blue?"

"When you say borrow, is stealing under the same catergory as borrow?" asked Kin

"probably"

"Well, then you can count Shikamaru, you stole him" chuckled Kin

Tayuya promptly got up and stabbed Kin. As Kin fell to the ground and started to bleed, Tayuya stood over her and yelled.

"what have I told you about talking? This isn't your day, ITS MINE! This is MY WEDDING!" she added, screeching it out so loud, it could shatter paper (so don't print this chapter out).

There truly is nothing more frightening then a chick on her wedding day.

* * *

**The grooms men**

"no" said Yoh Askura defiantly "I don't think it's a good idea"

"oh come on!" said Neji "the bride and all the brides maids are going to be in one room! You know whats going to happen…" elbowed Neji "some yuri bow chica bow wow"

"has that ever actually happened in the past for you, or are you just pulling everything you say out of your ass?"

"damn, was it that obvious?" asked Neji "I seriously wanna see some yuri though, I've been out of town for a while and they just let me out of the hospital"

"why are you talking about Russian cosmonauts?" asked Kiba

"its nothing…." Said Neji "go lick your crotch like a dog or something"

"you got it!" said Kiba, wandering off to do who knows what

"anyway" said Neji "it's a proven fact that all girls secretly love Yuri"

"yeah right"

"I'm telling you! It's the truth!" said Neji "seriously, for all we know, in that room right now, Tenten is between Tayuyas legs and…….."

**This scene where Neji graphically describes bride/bridesmaid yuri has been censored to protect the innocent.**

**Use your imagination**

"what do you think?"

"You guys from Konoha are freaks" said Yoh "not like the guys I hang out with"

"who do you usually hang out with?"

"I hang out with a Chinese midget, a Japanese midget, an undead version of Michael Jackson, some freaky ice guy, a pedophile that hits people with a wooden sword, and the violent demonic harpy that I'm engaged to"

"wow, yeah, that's totally normal" said Neji "I don't know what I was thinking"

* * *

**Inside the Church**

Friends, family, comrades, associates, coworkers, and wedding crashers and all the sort had already poured into the church, waiting for the ceremony to start. At the end of the church, Shikamarus father was at the alter with his son, giving him some advice.

"shikamaru, my son, as your father, on the day of your wedding, I have some advice to give you for your married life."

"really? Well, what do you have to say?"

"shikamaru, having sex with your wife is like playing chess, You do it on a table, you get really frustrated when the other person has no idea what they're doing, and the older you get, the less exciting it becomes……any questions?"

"Dad, you just scarred me for life"

"Continuing" said his dad "generally, after your married, your wife is gonna take the pants of the relationship, and your going to spend the rest of your life miserable and in a constant state of despair"

"dad…."

"your pretty much going to be praying for death after a while, hoping that the earth will swallow you up and kill you when she asks you 'does this outfit makes me look fat?'"

"dad…"

"and more so, woman are completely insane, don't even get me started on my theories that women enjoy torturing themselves, you ever take a girl to a sad movie?"

"dad…"

"what?"

"did you take your medication?"

"why would I need to take that?"

"so you don't act like how you currently are"

"ignoring that" continued his father "remember, never buy real estate, there's no such thing as fangirls, the moon landing was faked, the fluoride in the water is controlling your mind, cell phones give you cancer, the only reason you became a chunin is because the proctors were idiots, never buy dvds, Voldemort was framed, and always invest whatever you can in Yaoi, ALWAYS"

"oh god" said Shika, covering his face "I hate you so much"

"I love you too"

"Let me give you some real advice" said Shino approaching Shikamaru

**Authors note: cue screaming fangirls**

"be courteous, be kind, and for the love of god shikamaru, don't f--- this up"

"that's the best advice I've gotten all day"

* * *

**A few rows from the back**

The guys we all know and love from akatsuki had already showed up and had already gotten themselves seated. Every member was present, with the exception of Itachi, who was doing hard time for capping Lee and Naruto, and Zetsu.

On a side note, the member of Akatsuki that's got wood (Sasori) had passed away recently due to an unfortunate magic trick accident (at least Tobi SAID it was an accident). Sasori went peacefully, actually, as peacefully as someone can go when they get their heart impaled upon an ax. And thus, the empty position created by his death was filled by Tobi, as begrudenly promised by the leader.

"I'm in akatsuki!" whistled Tobi gleefully "I'm a super duper cool criminal"

"yeah, great, whatever kid" said Kisame "did you ever find out the reason why everyone in Konoha hates Ino?"

"you bet!" said Tobi "it's an odd reason though, I'll tell you later, it'll create more suspense"

"bastard" muttered Kisame under his breath

"did you say something?"

"its nothing"

"okay……well….where's Zetsu-sama?" asked Tobi "he's the only member that isn't likely to kill me in my sleep, and he isn't even here"

"he's in jail visiting Itachi, remember he's Akatsukis active lawyer?"

"oh yeah, how did a plant get a degree from a law school anyway?"

"how could a woman sue for 20,000 dollars over a starburst?"

"good point"

* * *

**Konoha prison**

Zetsu was in the visiting room of Konoha prison. It was like that of most prisons, dark, damp, with a wooden table in the center of the room with a solitary light hanging over the table. There were two chairs on both sides on the table, for the inmate and the visitor to sit on. Zetsu sat down on his chair, opening up his brief case to look over his legal papers. He had some documents in there, including Sasoris remains (lunch, as Zetsu would call it). Suddenly, Itachi was led into the room by two guards.

"Hey Kisame!" said Itachi "its great to see you again"

"I'm Zetsu"

"same diff" said Itachi sitting down "how's it going"

"I'm still working on the legal mumbo jumbo to get you out" said Zetsu "we can plead that shooting Naruto was in self defense, I'm pretty sure the judge will be lenient on that, as for shooting that Lee kid, that might be a little difficult"

"hey, you don't need to get me out"

"what?" asked Zetsu

"I've been in prison too long, I've become an institution man now and shit"

"too long? You've been in jail maybe 18 hours tops"

"hey, 18 hours on the inside is like 23 hours on the outside, us guys in the joint are different from you outsiders….and stuff"

Zetsu sighed, this was going to be harder than he thought. Was Itachi playing stupid, or was he really that dumb?

"Itachi, you can't stay in jail, you'll never survive"

"oh come on, prison life is great! We get to eat bologna sandwiches for every meal! And My cellmate is this guy called Mizuki, he's the prison bitch around here."

"Itachi, you can't stay in jail, your blind, and unfortunately, many people find you pretty, you'll never last in a all male prison"

"name one reason why I should try to get out of jail" said Itachi

"……………………………….yaoi prison rape"

"okay, yeah" conceded Itachi, a look of horror dawning on his face "get me the hell out of here"

"well, the legal part is the plan A" said Zetsu, putting away his brief case "Plan B is were going to bake you a cake"

"are you going to hide a nail file in it?"

"no, we won't, but it will make you feel better after you become the boyfriend of some guy named Tank"

"I really hate you"

* * *

**Back to the wedding**

"You have the ring?" asked Shikamaru to Shino, while waiting on the alter

"Yup" said Shino, pulling it out "Haku was trying it on earlier, he was giggling really creepy like every time he put it on too"

"Whatever" said Shikamaru "just don't lose it"

Shino pocketed the ring and scanned the crowd of people sitting in their seats. On the left side of the church (the grooms side) their were the entire cast of series such as Fullmetal alchemist, Inuyasha, Negima!, Bleach, Love Hina, Trigun, gundam wing, speed racer, Shaman king, dragon ball Z, Ghost in a shell, and Final fantasy VII. On the right was the brides side, and it was full of cutise girl anime crap series, such as fruits basket, descendants of darkness, angel sanctuary, sailor moon, hello kitty, hamtaro, and other girly crap.

"do you even know half the people here?" asked Shino

"nope" said Shikamaru "Tayuya was in charge of invitations"

"wasn't she in charge of the ceremony too?"

"Yeah"

"And the reception?"

"Yeah…"

"And what everyone wears?"

"Yeah, she was in charge of pretty much everything"

"Were you in charge of anything?"

"Well…" said Shikamaru "no not really?"

"Whipped!" said Zelos, strolling in behind them

"Where the hell were you?" yelled Shikamaru "the ceremony starts in minutes, and you've been gone for hours!"

"I went to the strip club to relax before the ceremony" said Zelos "it was funny, cause the strippers were giving me lots of attention, it must be cause I'm in my priest robes"

Shikamaru would've killed Zelos at that very moment of time, but he remembered the only available alternative justice of the peace besides him was missing his body, so he bit his lip and waited for the ceremony to start.

"you…… better…… not….. mess…..this…..up…Zelos"

"heh, don't worry man, I'll do great. By the way, I was going to ask you…….how's the sex?"

"interesting, and awful" muttered Shika, his head dropping a bit

"why?" grinned Zelos, moving closer "is having sex with a girl that has horns as Kinky as I think it is?"

"well, you see….." mumbled Shika, the last part of his sentence was intelligible

"what is it?"

"well…"

Shikamaru leaned forward and started to whisper into Zeloses ear. Upon hearing what Shikamaru had to say, he leap back in horror.

"OH MY GOD!!!" he yelled "SHE SHOVED A FLUTE UP YOUR WHAT!?!?!"

Suddenly the whole church went quiet. Everyone stopped talking and started to stare up at Shikamaru. Throughout the crowd, there were muttering of 'flute?' and 'sounds yaoi-licous"

This incredible tension spawned an awkward silence that lasted for a few minutes. That entire time, the entire crowd stared at Shikamaru, who at that point, would've given all the money in the world to blow up at that very moment of time. Thankfully, the awkward silence was broken by Shino.

"Here she comes" said Shino, pointing down the aisle

The wedding music started to play (that corny wedding music), and the bride came down the aisle. Tayuya was followed by her harpies (I mean, bridesmaids), who were all dressed in the best dresses you could possibly buy at Hot topic (they sell them, I think). Tayuya, was dressed up in a black leather dress (very classy), with shiny silver skulls and bats decorating it on the arms.

As she was descending down the aisle, Kiba sprang up from his seat and started to yell "it's a witch! Burn her!". Upon yelling this, the wedding bouncers (Sakon and Ukon) promptly dragged him out of the church, with him shouting 'she turned me into a newt!' as he went out the door. Tayuya ignored this distraction and moved to the alter next to her soon-to-be-husband.

* * *

**About Ten minutes later**

The ceremony had started, and Zelos was in the middle of the wedding ceremony, and staying on track the entire time.

"……and then I took that chick back to my house, and I totally spiked her end zone, if you know what I mean, heyo!" he said

Needless to say, the bride, the groom, and the entire congregation in the church was horrified.

"this is the best wedding ceremony ever!" said Tenten, crying a bit "Its just soooo beautiful! Please continue Zelos!"

"get on track!" hissed Shikamaru

"okay, fine, whatever"

* * *

**Five minutes later**

"….and then Professor Sage and I bow chicka bow wow'd all night long!"

"Zelos!"

"fine, whatever"

* * *

**Another five minutes later**

"…..and then I almost died the seventeenth time!"

"Zelos! If you don't get back on track, I'm going to kill you!"

"that's what she said!"

* * *

**Once again, Five minutes later**

"….and that, is why Itachi murdered the entire Uchia clan…."

Everybody in the church went 'ohhhh' at once. Zelos explanation was totally believable and true.

"Zelos…" said Shikamaru "I'm swear, as soon as this ceremony is over, I'm going to kill you"

"oh come on" said Zelos, closing his bible "I get that threat more than you might think"

"listen Shitface" said Tayuya, suddenly stepping forward and grabbing Zelos by the collar "if you don't get on with this ceremony, and wed me and Shiky, I swear to god, I'll cut off the reason you like girls…."

"fine fine fine" said Zelos, pulling the bible back out "lets just skip straight to the vows, Tayuya" he said, facing the bride "you may read your vows"

"thank you" she said, pulling out a piece of paper "Shikamaru……. You're the first Man I think I ever was able to manipulate so easily, your weak, slovenly, and your will bends so easy that its pitiful. These are the qualities that I fell in love with, and I promise you that when we are married, I will spend the rest of our lives nagging, manipulating, strong arming, insulting, controlling, questioning you and your life. For I….am your manipulator, and you are my subservient."

"at least she's being honest as to what's ahead" said Zelos aloud "now, its time for the groom…"

Shikamaru pulled out a piece of paper that looked like a crushed napkin, and started reading from it with much difficulty.

"Tayuya, I tried to write the vows in a way that glorified you like heavens sent you like you told me to, but I figured that was too much work and just wrote this on my way up to the alter. I love you, the end, I don't care if your about as manipulative and insane as my last girlfriend, I still love you, just please, don't try to reenact any more scenes from American pie, I don't think I can take it….and thank you"

Everyone in the church was surprised at Shikamarus honesty, and his incredible lack of initiative. The only person who was not surprised was Tayuya, who was crying at Shikamarus words.

"Shika honey" said Sniffled out "that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard you say……I love you"

"yeah….super, whatever" said Zelos "anyway…." He said, skimming through his bible "blah blah blah, wedding, blah blah, holy union, blah blah blah, love, and some other crap, lets stick to the good stuff. If anyone here has a beef with these two shacking up, speak up or Shut up"

There was a silence in the church, and then a rustling as people looked around for Temari. They figured that if anyone was going to try to spoil the ceremony, they'd do it now. To their surprise, no one stood up or interrupted in any way.

"really?" questioned Zelos "no ones gonna say anything? Dammit. Come on people, I'm pretty sure someone here has a problem with these two" he added, pointing to Shikamaru and Tayuya "I mean, come on! Their freakin kids"

"what the hell are you trying to do?" asked Shikamaru

"trying to make this more dramatic, and hey what do you know!" he added, pointing to the crowd "some one else agrees with me"

Someone sitting a few rows back did stand up and agreed with Zelos. And this person was no other than……Kurenai.

"Shikamaru…" she said "you can't marry Tayuya…"

"why not?" asked Shikamaru, shocked that an unimportant character like Kurenai got a speaking role

"Shikamaru…" she stuttered out "I didn't want to tell you, but…..I just can't keep it in, Shikamaru…." She said, looking down at her pregnant stomach "…..its your baby"

"WHAT?!" yelled Shikamaru "I'm not the one that (censored) you, that was Asuma!"

"no, he was killed by Hidan…" she said "he died before I became pregnant, you're the only one!"

"uh, Kurenai?" said Asuma "I'm right next to you, alive too I might add"

"you hear that?!?" yelled Kurenai "you can hear his sprit in the wind, verifying what I've said"

"Shikamaru" yelled Tenten, getting up "I'm preggers too! And its your baby"

"oh that baby could be the child of any one in this room"

"oh" and with that, she sat back down

"Shikamaru! I'm pregnant too! And its your child!" yelled Haku

"shut the (censored) up!" yelled Shikamaru

"Rock Lee! I think I'm pregnant" yelled Gaara "and you're the father"

"this doesn't seem physically possible!" said Lee

Suddenly, chicks from the shojo side of the of the Church started to confess their pregancies to guys from the shonen jump side of the church, causing much confusion and denying.

"Ichigo Kurosaki!" yelled Rukia "I'm pregnant, and…"

"shut the (censored) up" said Ichigo "I finally got a cameo in this crappy fanfic, and I'm not going to spend my cameo talking to you"

"you know what?" yelled Zelos, cutting off Ichigo "(censored) this, lets just get this over with"

"you" he continued, pointing to Shikamaru "do you take this broad to be your ball and chain?"

"sure, why not" said Shikamaru

"do you, Tayuya, take Shikamaru, to be your sniveling whining husband?"

"I do" she giggled

"good, now kiss each other dammit"

Tayuya and Chicken wuss looked into each others eyes for a moment, as if they saw each other for the first time. Then, smiling, Shikamaru leaned forward, and they kissed their first passionate kiss of marriage. The entire congregation of wedding goers stopped what they were doing, and a giant 'awwwwwwwwww' swept throughout the church.

"Zelos!" yelled Sheena, running up from behind "I'm pregnant! And its your baby!"

"oh son of a bitch" he said "too many cliffhangers…"

* * *

_**Don't Believe it, Special segment**_

_**A look back**_

This story has so far stretched more than 40 chapters, with more characters than I can keep track of (no wonder so many of them get killed off). So, as a little look back, I'd like to mark my own personal favorite moments and parts of my fair fanfic.

**Favorite chapter- chapter 22- ying yang parties**

Out of everything I wrote, I like this the most. I really don't know where I got most of my ideas for this chapter, but some were things I wanna do (Kibas awesome stunt).Also, just recently, I went to a party and saw someone pull off a stunt similar to what Kiba did (not the same, but still just as dangerous and involving bottle rockets)

**Favorite character- Itachi**

I originally had no intention of putting Itachi in this fanfic, when I first started to write this, I had not seen any episodes with Itachi in it, or read any of the scanlations, but eventually I got my friend to get me the episodes where Itachi whups Sasukes ass, and thanks to me watching a couple episodes of 'blind justice', I began to think 'hey, if Itachi has bad eyesight, what would it be like if I gave him a gun?'. The rest is history, there is so much you can do when you give a blind guy a gun, I suggest all readers should come up with their own wacky stories of blind Itachi with a gun (I would SOOO read all of them).

**Favorite moment-**

My favorite part? Probably the part where Kiba drinks a whole bottle of Soy sauce then tries to do Dream a dream on extreme in the DDR contest chapter, or the one where Zelos finds the holy grail, or the one where Naruto speaks in his French dub, or……..wait, did any of these things happen?

**Most half assed written part of the story- Probably the Tenten chapter**

I really don't know anybody that is that slutty (actually, anyone that is that open about their sluttiness) and my total lack of knowledge of the dark underworld of yaoi fangirls and perverted fangirls left me in the dark when I wrote this. I pretty much had no idea what to write, so I went with what first popped into my head.

**Has my writing skills gotten better?**

I really hope so. I look back at what I wrote in the beginning, and compare it now, and I see a really big difference (really short chapters then, longer chapters now). I also kinda noticed the newer stuff makes more sense, I think….

**Least Favorite Character-Temari**

I really didn't know what 'hook' to give her in the beginning, so I decided the old girl-is-bad-cook-boyfriend-suffers idea might've worked for it. It really didn't and she quickly changed into the sociopath possessive insane girlfriend that most guys have. I consider her my least favorite cause she probably had the crappiest start.

**Most character development-Naruto**

You gotta admit, a lot has happened to him, he was stuck with a bad catchphrase, got diagnosed with _badenglishdubious_ _syndrome_, got switched to dattebayo, had a mental break down, got stuck in his Spanish dub, was stuck in a inter dimmenisonal warp created by Zeloses potion, brought back, and now thinks hes a fictional spanish hero (Don Quixote, who totally kicks ass). If all that doesn't show a tiny bit of character growth, than hes as crappy of a character here as he is in the manga.

**My opinon of Choji**

Choji went from a stupid fatass (what I first thought of him) to tubby slightly cool guy (what I think of him now). To bad Makashi Kishimoto probably won't ever give him lime light again.

**My opinon of Ino**

Shes still a bitch

**Longest chapter**- Chapter 40

**Shortest Chapter**-Chapter 7

**Interesting Tidbit**

I doubt anyone but me noticed it, but the Halloween chapters number was 31. Anyone guess the connection between Halloween and the number 31?

**My opinon of the no-show characters **

(Kabuto, Sugiestu, Jugo, Ebisu, Konohamaru, the 3rd hokage, sir not appearing in this fanfic, you)

Most of those guys suck, Kabuto is whiney, Sugiestu and Jugo appeared to late in the manga to be in my story at this stage of it, ebisu is a loser, I have no idea who Konohamaru is, the 3rd Hokage is senile, sir not appearing in this fanfic is aptly named, and sorry, only fangirls of mine are allowed to appear (if you wanna fill out an application, get in line). On a side note, I already have three fangirls (you rock shizuru-kun!)

* * *

Well, only one to go, maybe two if the finale turns out longer than I thought (maybe i'll give it multiple endings like in red vs blue). My summers been going pretty good i guess, I did some volunteer work at the local forest preserve (I do that alot), got a part-time job (its like being in the movie clerks, but with more swearing), and discovered the meaning of life (just kidding, still trying to figure that one out).

And in case your wondering, YES, I am one of those annoying people that went to the midnight release of the last Harry Potter the deathly Hollows. The line at the book store i went to streched to the back, around the whole place, and out the door onto the sidewalk (it was a three hour wait to get the book). Instead of waiting in line, I went to the local grocery store (where I work) and picked up a copy (there were like, fifty books on display, and no lines of people to get it). Anyway, I got a copy, and no I haven't finished it yet (I wanna read it slowly).

Oh, and I got sorted into slytheran, just in case you care to know...(hehe, being the evil guy is fun for once)

Also, in this chapter, of all of those anime references for the wedding guests, I have honestly read (or seen) less than half of those i mentioned. I tried reading a shojo once, it was called angel sanctuary, it was oddly drawn, horribly confusing, and the major plot point was that the main character was in love with his sister. That pretty much set the pace for the entire series.

Anyway, until next time, Believe it! and Kupopo!


End file.
